by Susan Lewis
Please don’t go, please, please, she was crying inside.
Somehow she kept smiling as her brother came to hug her, his young, shadowy eyes heavy with misgiving, his mouth twisting slightly as he made a try for humour.
‘Brought you some box sets,’ he told her, ‘none of them any longer than six episodes, because we don’t want you hanging around in here to find out what happens next.’
Vivi’s laugh was half strangled by a sob as he folded her into his arms.
‘Love you, sis,’ he whispered in her ear. ‘It’s going to be fine, OK?’
She swallowed and nodded, and smoothed a hand around his cheek, having to bite her lips to keep her tears in check.
Her mother was the last to come and hug her, and as their eyes met Vivi wanted to tell her how much she loved her, and how sorry she was to be putting everyone through this, but the words wouldn’t come.
‘I love you,’ Gina whispered brokenly, ‘and I don’t want you to worry. We’re all here for you, you know that, don’t you?’
Vivi nodded, but she still didn’t speak. She knew if she opened her lips only sobs would escape, choked and desperate and full of fear.
Gina pressed a kiss to her forehead, and taking the baby from Josh she followed the others out of the room.
After closing the door, Josh came back to the bed and held her eyes as he sat down beside her. She couldn’t get enough of looking at him, would never be able to get enough of it, and she knew he was feeling the same. Understanding moved soundlessly between them, a connection that was intangible and powerful, and as the minutes ticked quietly by tears began to slide down her cheeks, dropping to the pillow as she imagined him finding everything she’d left for him. She realized he already knew it was there, but he’d never pressed her to tell him, had understood that it would be too hard. She could feel his grief, his loss and their love stealing through her, filling her up, and breaking every part of her heart.
In the end, she said, ‘If I don’t make it …’
‘You’ll make it,’ he told her firmly.
Her tired spirits moved towards his words, needing to hold onto them. ‘But if I don’t,’ she said, ‘you know what to do …’
‘Yes, so we don’t need to have the conversation.’
She thought about it and decided he was right, they didn’t.
They didn’t talk again, simply lay quietly in the semi-light holding one another, listening to the sounds outside the room, and echoes from the times they’d shared during this past magical year, as they resonated softly between them. So much laughter and music, words spoken in tenderness and joy, fear, hope, determination, endless support and of course love. She recalled the first time she’d seen him at Sam and Michelle’s, how deeply he’d affected her right away, how they hadn’t wanted to say goodnight when he’d taken her home. She pictured his face when he’d told her for the first time that he loved her, and remembered how often he’d made her laugh when she’d felt so afraid she’d almost been unable to breathe. She thought of the night he’d asked her to marry him, and their beautiful wedding that had meant so much to them, but nothing would ever mean more than their boy.
She inhaled the musky, male scent of him, as though to keep it with her when he’d gone; she tightened her arms around him and felt his tightening around her as the indomitable power of their love made them one.
When it came time for him to leave she could see how hard it was for him to tear himself away, and she wished so much that he could stay. He kissed her on the mouth lingeringly, and with so much tenderness that he didn’t have to speak the words in his heart, she could feel them.
She watched him walk to the door and gave him a smile when he turned back. There was so much more she wanted to give him, so many years she longed to spend with him, precious moments she wished they could share.
‘Thank you,’ she said softly through her tears.
He blew her a kiss, and raising a hand to catch it she placed it over her heart.
Josh knew even before he saw Matias Velez’s face the next day that something had gone wrong. It wasn’t only that the surgery had been going on for too long, or that there had been no news for the past two hours, it was that a short while ago a kind of hush had stolen into his heart. It circled it with warmth and tenderness, with words he couldn’t hear or discern, only feel. He’d held it quietly to himself, keeping his head down so the others couldn’t see his face, as the sense of her going trailed a gentle path around each and every heartbeat, until it disappeared like a mist that might never have been there.
It was the moment she’d gone. He’d known it, but had said nothing, for in the less spiritual depths of himself he couldn’t let go of the hope he was wrong.
Now, as the others listened to the surgeon’s words, desperate for them not to mean what he was saying, Josh was aware of a sweet scent of air moving past him. He felt strong hands grasp his shoulders, his grandfather and Sam. Gina cried out wretchedly; Michelle and Shelley caught her as Gil drew Mark into his arms.
Josh’s voice was quiet as he said to Velez, ‘You know what you have to do?’
Velez nodded. He looked as haggard and exhausted as any man ever could, after the kind of battle he’d just fought, but Josh wasn’t seeing him. All he could see was his darling, beautiful wife and the way she’d looked last night when she’d caught his kiss and pressed it to her heart.
EPILOGUE
The air was warm and still, the sky over the bay a mass of pale grey cloud, showing not a glimpse of blue. Gulls swooped and fluttered around the jagged cliffs at the end of the beach, where a churning sea crashed and fanned in wild and ceaseless waves. Down at the water’s edge, as though distancing itself from the stormy performance nearby, the incoming tide lapped lazily onto the shingle, drifting over seaweed and debris before sinking into the gritty sand.
Josh was sitting on a blanket close to the dunes, elbows resting on his knees as he gazed absently towards the distant horizon. Beside him Jack wobbled and gurgled as he chewed his fists, proud of his new achievement – sitting up on his own.
A month had somehow passed since Vivi had left them, although time had lost meaning for Josh and he wasn’t even sure he wanted it to come back. Nothing could have prepared him for what it would be like to lose her, how empty even the busy days would feel, how pointless everything important seemed. It was almost impossible to get a grip on this new reality, this place in his life that was the start of a future without her.
No one had wanted to think about a fatal stroke taking her during the surgery, not the doctors, nor the medical team, nor anyone else in the family, although they’d all known it could happen. There had been no sense in discussing it, for it would only make the stress of it all even worse than it already was. It was something they’d held at a distance, allowing it no more presence than a faint shadow at the edges of their hope and urgency for her to make it. And yet he and Vivi, on a level that only they shared, had sensed during those final days that their time together was drawing to an end. They hadn’t mentioned it, they hadn’t wanted to believe it, much less put it into words, and now he kept asking himself if they should have done so.
Some days anger swelled through him as powerfully as the longing that never released him. In many ways it felt as though his whole life had been leading him to her, and hers to him; that their chance to love, to share, to create a beautiful child was all they had ever been about, and all that would ever matter. Jack was all that mattered, but Josh needed to find a way to continue without her, to start feeling nothing but thankful that he was the man she’d loved, and that he’d been able to give her all that he had. He knew that if he had his time over he wouldn’t change a thing, apart from her condition, of course. No matter how raw and wrenching the loss he was feeling now, he would never regret what they’d had, would always treasure it and know that he was far richer and more human because of it.
But God, it was hard getting through each day without her.
&nbs
p; Aware of Jack toppling softly onto his back he lay down beside him, propping himself on one elbow to watch the joyful leg kicks and tiny punches, as though his growing son was trying out new yoga moves. Achieving something like a Happy Baby Pose with a foot in each hand, Jack gave full voice to a jubilant shriek and turned wide and mischievous-seeming eyes to his father. They were the same colour as Josh’s, even the same shape, and yet the looks his son often gave him, particularly the wicked ones, were entirely his mother’s.
They’d stroll back over the dunes soon to join a family barbecue at Nana Gina’s, but Josh had received a call on the way here that had made him want to bring Jack to this quiet spot where he and Vivi had spent so much time together. It was here that they’d come to realize just how much they meant to one another, and it was during moments like this, when it was only him and Jack, that he could feel her all around them, watching and listening, loving them with all her beautiful heart. She even spoke to them at times, but that was often what he found the hardest, the sound of her voice coming to him in the silence, and also in the letters she’d left them.
There were so many. She hadn’t forgotten anyone, but he’d only read a few of those she’d left for him and Jack. She’d written a card for each of their son’s birthdays until he was eighteen; she’d put together an album of photographs so he’d be able to see how very precious he’d been to her as a baby. She’d told him, in letters she’d left open so Josh could read them, about the night she’d met his daddy and how she’d known right away that she was falling in love. She explained about her condition, and how sorry she was that her heart hadn’t managed to last any longer than it had. She urged him to understand that it had never had the power to make her love him less, only to make her love him more. She wanted him to be as much like his daddy as he looked, and always to remember just how much happiness he had brought to their lives.
‘You are our miracle,’ she told him, ‘you are my real heart.’
To Josh she’d written more pages than he’d been able to face for a while, but recently he’d started to go through them. It was like spending time with her, just the two of them, reliving their love, feeling its truth and depth as more private tears were shed.
Today he’d read, ‘… my darling, thank you so much for everything you’ve brought to my life, the fun, the laughter, the friendship, the caring … There’s so much, but most of all it’s because of you that I know what it means to be a mother and to be truly loved. I hope you know it too, because you are truly loved, Josh, in so many ways and so deeply that I can’t believe anyone has felt this much for someone before.
‘I know our beautiful boy will have the best daddy in the world, surrounded by a family who loves him dearly. Maybe one day, when the pain of our separation has passed, you will find someone special to share your life with, someone who will love you and be a good mother to Jack. I want you to try to do this, my darling, please, for both your sakes.
‘So many thanks yous are coming to me needing to be said, and I’m sure I’ll think of many more before this letter ends, but the biggest one of all for now is thank you for being you.’
Josh swallowed hard. His eyes were blurred by tears as he recalled the words, and watched Jack scowling at him as though trying to figure him out.
‘One day,’ Josh said, touching a finger to Jack’s baby-soft cheek, ‘you’ll understand that your mummy wasn’t just any mummy, because she was a real live angel, and shall I tell you why?’
Jack made a grab for his father’s finger, trying to bite it with his four ferocious teeth. Hauling him up Josh settled him on his knee, facing him out to sea, and loving the way his small body sank so easily into him. ‘This morning,’ he said, pressing a kiss to Jack’s riot of dark curls, ‘I had a phone call from someone who’s alive because of your mummy. It’s …’ He paused, taking in the inexpressible wonder of it, still unsure exactly how he felt about it. ‘It’s true,’ he said softly. ‘They really are alive because of her.’ How could he feel anything but good about that? It was what she’d wanted, and if he had to lose her it was what he wanted too.
Jack’s head turned so he could look up at his father, his expression seeming faintly puzzled.
‘Just after she left us,’ Josh explained, brushing a finger under the baby’s chin, ‘she gave away the most precious gifts in the world to people who needed them the most, people she didn’t even know. And those gifts made the biggest and most important difference anyone can make to someone else’s life. She did it for eight people. Can you believe that?’
Jack frowned, and suddenly arched his back, letting it be known that he wanted to stand up. Josh raised him to his feet and put his cheek against his so that together they could gaze out at the bay. A gentle breeze stirred the grasses behind them, and a small patch of blue opened briefly in the clouds. ‘Those people won’t ever know her,’ Josh said softly, ‘and we won’t know them, but we don’t have to know them. All that matters to us is that she gave me the most beautiful gift of all, and that, my son, is you.’
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
It’s an absolute truth that I could never have written this book without Jim Lynskey’s willingness to share his experiences. Yes, he is a real person who very generously allowed me to weave some of his story with Vivi’s to bring a greater sense of drama and reality to this vital issue. Knowing Jim has made me more aware than ever of the importance of organ donation. It would change his young life immeasurably if the right heart could be found, and his remarkable endeavours to raise awareness of how important it is to be a donor will hopefully change the situation for many others in his position.
I would also like to thank Dr Robin Martin, Consultant Paediatric and Adult Congenital Cardiologist at the Bristol Royal Hospital for Children and Bristol Heart Institute, for so much guidance and enthusiasm for the story. Any anomalies or shortcuts in the telling are wholly my responsibility. Sometimes it is more expedient in a dramatic sense to move things along more quickly than might otherwise happen.
My thanks also go to Mr Ash Pawade, retired paediatric cardiac surgeon, Bristol, for pointing me in the right direction at the outset.
Then we come to Shelley’s part of the story and for that I warmly thank our local sheep farmer, Ruth Dixon. Ruth’s tales of farm life are many and varied, hilarious and inspiring, and in some cases nothing short of tragic. It was quite an eye-opener for me to discover that so much is going on just across the road from us. I should stress however that Deerwood is purely fictional.
I’d like to thank everyone at my new publishers HarperCollins for the incredibly warm welcome I’ve received since joining. The camaraderie is intoxicating – I use the word with feeling – and being included in the Harper family is a privilege. It’s been a tremendous pleasure working with Kimberley Young and her team in the UK on this book and with Liz Stein and her team in the US. I thank Charlie and Annabel Redmayne, Kate Elton, and Roger Cazalet for making the transition so enjoyable.
In a special category all of his own is my wonderful agent, Luigi Bonomi, who I thank with all my heart for so much enthusiasm, advice, support, laughter and fab lunches at The Ivy.
Susan Lewis is proud to support ‘Save9Lives’, an organ donation campaign founded by NHS Organ Donation Ambassador, Jim Lynskey. To find out more about the campaign and how you can help, please visit www.save9lives.com.
About the Author
Susan Lewis is the bestselling author of over forty books across the genres of family drama, thriller, suspense and crime. She is also the author of Just One More Day and One Day at a Time, the moving memoirs of her childhood in Bristol during the 1960s. Following periods of living in Los Angeles and the South of France, she currently lives in Gloucestershire with her husband, James, stepsons, Michael and Luke, and mischievous dogs, Coco and Lulu.
To find out more about Susan Lewis:
www.susanlewis.com
www.facebook.com/SusanLewisBooks.
Also by Susan Lewis
Fiction
A Class Apart
Dance While You Can
Stolen Beginnings
Darkest Longings
Obsession
Vengeance
Summer Madness
Last Resort
Wildfire
Cruel Venus
Strange Allure
The Mill House
A French Affair
Missing
Out of the Shadows
Lost Innocence
The Choice
Forgotten
Stolen
No Turning Back
Losing You
The Truth About You
Never Say Goodbye
Too Close to Home
No Place to Hide
The Secret Keeper
Books that run in sequence
Chasing Dreams
Taking Chances
No Child of Mine
Don’t Let Me Go
You Said Forever
Featuring Detective Andee Lawrence
Behind Closed Doors
The Girl Who Came Back
The Moment She Left
Hiding in Plain Sight
Believe in Me
Featuring Laurie Forbes and Elliott Russell
Silent Truths
Wicked Beauty
Intimate Strangers
The Hornbeam Tree
Memoirs
Just One More Day
One Day at a Time
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
http://www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
Bay Adelaide Centre, East Tower
22 Adelaide Street West, 41st Floor