by L. B. Dunbar
“Watch the road,” I giggled, pressing his hand away from me. No sooner had he moved his fingers, they returned, finding their destination. He slipped under the band of my bathing suit, inside my shorts. It was an awkward angle and wasn’t accomplishing what I thought it intended.
“Open your shorts,” he commanded, keeping his eyes on the road but his hand at my heat.
“Tommy,” I hissed, uncertain we should be doing this.
“Take a towel and cover your lap, but push them down a little and open up.” I did as he demanded, pushing my shorts down my hips. His hand returned, fingers delved and I gasped. This was risky.
“Tip your head back. Close your eyes.” Again, I did as he said, letting him lead me to pleasure, but not quite over the peak. Suddenly, the car jerked right. He pulled to the side of the mainly deserted road, hit the hazard lights, and turned to me. Eyes wide under the broad daylight, he worked at my core until I clenched the door handle and the edge of my seat. I groaned as I came, startling a bird in the tree under which we parked. Panting, I turned to him.
“What was that?” I laughed, feeling carefree, spontaneous, and dangerous. He didn’t answer, but pulled back on the road, returning to our scenic drive. I reached for him, rubbing at his zipper.
“Darlin’, don’t start something you don’t intend to finish.”
I continued rubbing, stroking over the firm bulge that leapt under my touch. He spread his thighs a little. “Eyes on the road,” I warned.
Unzipping his shorts, I had just as much barrier as he’d had to me. He wore tight swim shorts under the outer ones, and I struggled to get at him. Freeing only the head, I leaned forward and licked. This warranted another jerk of the car. The hazard lights blinked again, and he shifted in his seat to free himself. I worked hard and fast, lapping at him, sucking deep in my haste to give him pleasure like he had done to me. It was sloppy work, at an odd angle, and I feared I couldn’t give to him what he’d given me. His hand came to the back of my head, holding me in place, and I dragged him deeper, swallowing hard, and licking the tight ridges of his length. My jaw ached, but I sucked.
“Darlin’,” he hissed, and too quickly, he shot to the back of my throat. I drew back, dragging the length of him with my tight mouth, and he stilled me with his hand. He pulsed once, and then again. Stroking down my back, his hand rested on my spine as I released him. I sat up to see his elbow set on the car door. Thick fingers rubbed at his forehead.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, suddenly terrified that I sucked, and not literally. His hand still on my spine, he rubbed upward, and turned for me. Gripping my neck, he squeezed.
“How am I going to let you go?” he said so quietly I wasn’t certain I heard him. We stared at one another for a moment before he lowered his forehead, resting it against mine.
“Maybe you could come after me,” I suggested, sensing the weight of such a heavy request. “Since I’m the queen and all, and I’ve been waiting for you, maybe you could return for me.”
My neck was tugged back and his mouth crashed against mine. The kiss was desperate. A farewell, and a remember-me, and a don’t-ever-forget-me, and I wanted to cry big buckets of tears. But I didn’t. I savored each pass of his tongue and the curve of his lips. There wasn’t a chance I’d ever forget him.
When we finally returned to the resort, I found Masie still napping despite the lateness of the day. Caleb remained at the bar watching football games, so when Tommy asked me to come to his room, I didn’t hesitate.
“I need a nap, beautiful,” he said, stripping off his T-shirt.
“Okay,” I said, thinking I’d misunderstood the invitation. I stood for the door, but he stopped me.
“Where you going?”
“Well, I thought if you wanted to sleep, I should go.” He chuckled as he tugged my own shirt over my head. “Or not,” I responded.
“Will you be comfortable in that?” he asked, implying my suit underneath. I wouldn’t actually, and I also felt like I needed a shower. Hiking, picnicking, having an orgasm in a car—it all made me sweaty.
“I need a shower,” I said after answering with a shake to his question.
“Nap first. Shower later,” he said, reaching for a clean T-shirt in a drawer and handing it to me. “Here.”
I undressed down to my bathing suit bottoms and tugged on the tee. It was two sizes too big, but comfy, and smelled of him. I sniffed the collar after climbing into his bed, and he wrapped around me. We lay only a few minutes in silence before I felt something press at my backside.
“Can’t seem to get enough of you today, darlin’, but I’m lazy.” His fingers slid between my thighs, and he stroked me again until I came. Then he slipped off his boxers and tugged one of my legs over his thigh. My back still remained on the bed as he lay on his side.
“Ever do it like this, darlin’?” Somehow, I knew he wasn’t looking for my sexual history, but more my permission to try this new angle.
“No,” I answered honestly. He scooted his body to line up his hard length with my wet entrance. One leg still over his thigh, he slid into me. The angle was different, the sensation unusual, but he filled me all the same. He scooted a little more so we were nearly at a right angle, and reached for my core, toying with me once again. He seemed to be waiting, holding off until I couldn’t take the pressure any longer.
“Tommy,” I hesitated, surprised with myself that another climax was building so soon. He strummed faster, and I reached for his waist, digging my nails into his side as I tried to meet his pace. I was a whirl of sensations, inside and out. Clenching around him, swallowing him deeply, I pressed upward, holding him into me. His hand reached across my waist and held me firmly to him as he pulsed within me.
We lay there, out of breath and energy, as he rested inside me, my leg still dangling over his hip. Suddenly, he perched up on an elbow.
“Shit,” he said, hastily pulling out of me. “I wasn’t wrapped.”
The haste of his movement and the crassness of his words startled me. Hadn’t we done it the previous night without anything? But then I realized his concern—He came inside me.
“I’m sure it’s fine,” I said, reaching out for his scruff-covered cheek, but the panic in his eyes told me my words did nothing for him. He gripped my wrist before I could touch him. Kissing my palm too quickly, he rolled away from me and shot off the bed. I slowly sat up having an image of him with a hundred other women, all rejected after he shot his load. He’d done the deed, gotten what he wanted, and split the scene. I didn’t like the vision nor the feeling that suddenly applied to myself.
He returned with a towel.
“I guess you should shower after all,” he suggested, his voice lower, and slightly colder than I’d heard before. There was no darlin’ or beautiful to accompany it.
“Can I shower here or should I go?” I asked, holding my breath with the question, and hating how weak I sounded. He twisted his lips and glanced away from me.
“I guess here is fine.” I didn’t like that answer, but I didn’t think my legs could carry me to my room quite yet, suddenly feeling too dirty to traipse the distance. I stood and entered the bathroom, locking the door behind me, willing myself not to cry until I entered the shower. Standing under the spray, I let the tears fall, ruining a perfectly nice day and a slew of sweet words that he never meant if he could dismiss me with his mistake. I washed quickly, knowing I’d wash again as soon as I returned to my rooms. I dressed in my own soiled clothes and found Tommy in bed, the blinds still drawn, and his back to the door. He snored.
I got the message and left.
+ + +
I returned to my room, and after I checked on Masie, I took a long shower despite the draw to my bed.
“You’ll have to fend for yourself for food tonight, honey,” I said, feigning a headache, as I’d lost my appetite around the time I lost Tommy.
She still looked a little green, and she shook her head to say she wasn’t hungry. She sat staring
at the television set, but her eyes were dull. She wasn’t watching anything, just staring. She looked like I felt—dead inside. I took a Tylenol PM I found in my shower bag and climbed into bed.
+ + +
I’d slept through the night and woke to what I believed to be a new day, a new insight. It was a new year, after all, and I was cancer-free, but I didn’t feel the inspiration of a fresh start. I hadn’t heard from Tommy through the night, although I shouldn’t have been surprised. Moments before we left for the day, he texted me.
We should talk.
Can’t. Have plans with kids.
As a family, we’d had difficulty scheduling all the things we’d wanted to do in Hawaii in a timely manner. The kids had each been allowed to pick an activity as their Christmas present on top of the trip. With only three days left in our vacation, today was our snorkeling and sea turtle swimming excursion. Masie picked this activity. Caleb wanted surfing, which we couldn’t get scheduled until the day before our last.
There was no response after that text, and the empty messenger app stared at me, hollowing my heart. I hated the feeling. It was the very reason I hadn’t dated much before. Dating led to heartbreak, I told myself. At my age, there were just too many unknowns with someone new. I wanted the history of someone when there was none. I had no interest in playing head games. I’d done it already in my marriage. For twenty years, actually.
I’d had my own meltdowns over the days Tommy and I had been together, but I honestly didn’t think this was a big deal. I couldn’t be pregnant, I told myself. At forty-three, I’m too old. I tried not to think of special cases I’d read about, and those tabloid ruses of women in their fifties having babies. It just didn’t seem like a strong possibility. I was upset with Tommy, but I couldn’t fault him his fear. Possibly pregnant, and with a virtual stranger, did sound a bit frightening.
I willed myself to keep my head in the day with my kids. Masie was so excited, and she squealed with each sea turtle we passed, reminding me that she was still a kid at heart—on the verge of womanhood, but not quite there yet. Caleb was convinced he’d seen a shark, and that was my cue to get out of the water. I watched them from the boat in wonder, relishing their joy at doing new things. I wanted the world for them—oysters and all that jazz.
Shortly after they returned to the tour boat, we saw a wonderful display of whale breeching and I remembered seeing one off the shore. Was that only a few days ago? How quickly the time had passed. How much had changed? In so many ways, I had changed. I wasn’t who I’d been when I arrived on this holiday. Tommy had changed me, and reminding myself of that fact calmed me.
I hadn’t been me in so long, I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. When I smiled at my reflection after my time with Tommy, the tinges of a new me appeared, and a hint of the old me dusted off cobwebs. Where you been? That haunting image asked, and I wondered the same thing myself. I’d been waiting, I decided. Waiting for that explorer, returned from the sea with his new ways of thinking, to show me what he had discovered. Through sharing his learnings, I found me. I was drowning before, but now I could swim, or at least be brave enough to wallow in the shallow end. I wasn’t anxious to rush home and date, but I realized I needed to try and experiment more often. I deserved to take the risk. I didn’t want to be alone. In fact, I didn’t think I could be as alone as I’d been. I needed to get out more. However, my days and nights with Tommy were going to sustain me for quite a while, and I was all right with that thought.
We returned to shore and had dinner at a local restaurant known for their oversized burgers and fish tacos. Caleb was continuously texting but Masie remained quiet, as she had been most of the day. When we returned to the condo, Caleb went out almost immediately, while Masie opted to stay in.
“What’s going on?” I asked, standing behind the kitchen island as she scrolled the television channels.
“I just don’t feel like going anywhere.” She shrugged, her eyes focused on the mindless channel surfing.
“Masie, honey, what happened?” She slammed the remote on the couch and looked up at the ceiling.
“I’m such an idiot,” she blurted, closing her eyes and rolling her head on the back of the couch. My mouth opened to speak but she continued. “He thinks I’m a kid, and after getting drunk, I’m sure that confirmed it.”
“Did he call you a kid?” I assumed we were referring to West.
“Actually, he acted interested, but he kept his distance. One minute he came to share music and fell asleep holding me, and the next day it was like I had a disease. Then he wanted to watch a movie, but he didn’t even hold my hand. What am I, his little sister?”
“I certainly hope not,” I scoffed. West had definitely shown signs of a crush on my daughter.
“Did I say something at the concert?”
“Well, uhm, I’m not certain that matters…” My voice drifted, but my daughter eyed me in that way that demanded I speak. “You said he didn’t like you when he offered to bring you home.”
“And why didn’t he bring me home?” she said, exasperated. “Because he doesn’t like me. Not like me like me.”
I paused, knowing the ice was thin, but I had to risk cracking it.
“He didn’t bring you home because he realized if he left the bar with a drunk high school girl it would make the tabloids.” Masie sat forward and turned in my direction. Her mouth opened and closed. Then opened again. Then closed again.
“Did I say anything else?” Her voice lowered.
“You didn’t say anything else at the bar. But you cried in the car on the way home, asking me why he wouldn’t kiss you.”
“Ugh,” she shrieked, covering her face with both hands and falling over to bury her head in the cushions.
“Honey, have you talked to him about this?” Her head rolled in response, still face first in the cushions. “Why not?”
She sat up, her face red, and stared at me. “What is there to say? I haven’t spoken to him since that night. I’m too embarrassed.”
“It’s been practically two days,” I said, startled that she’d let so much time pass. “Has he not tried to call you…or text you?” It still astonished me that all kids did was text, never using their phones to make a physical call and hear a voice. I didn’t realize I’d been flipping mine, rolling it on the surface of the counter I stood behind as I spoke to Masie.
“He’s texted. He’s called. I just ignore them.”
“Don’t you think he might be worried about you?”
“I’m sure Caleb told him I puked my guts out and was hungover.” She rolled her eyes and fell back against the couch cushions.
“But to be fair to him, don’t you think you should call him and just let him hear it from you?” A slow trepidation filled me with my words. “Maybe he doesn’t know what to say? Maybe he does like you but he doesn’t know how to proceed, because you’re still in high school, or maybe because he’s a superstar?” I babbled, guilt slowly eating at me with each word spoken.
“I think you owe him the courtesy of a returned call or text. Maybe he owes you an explanation.” The words flew from my mouth while my heart raced. Wasn’t I doing the same thing? Ignoring Tommy instead of facing him? Granted, Tommy wasn’t actually busting up my text messages or trying to call me, but I had been the one short with him in return. Did I warrant more communication after my response that I couldn’t talk? Maybe. Suddenly, I wasn’t willing to let Tommy off the hook any more than I thought Masie should dismiss West. West had been chasing her all week. I didn’t believe he thought she was a kid, or if he did, he needed to tell her that. But as he was the one still calling her, I didn’t believe he felt that way.
“By the way, who gave you all those drinks anyway?”
“Petty.”
+ + +
After three unanswered text, and one phone message, I decided I needed more aggressive action. I’d broken down and texted Ivy.
Tommy’s here, she sent back when I ask
ed if she knew where he was. She opened the door on my first knock.
“I’m so glad you’re finally here. He’s been a total sourpuss all day.” She paused as she closed the door. “No, he’s been an ass. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. A total asshole all day.” She smiled to prove she wasn’t upset with me, but harried over her uncle’s behavior.
I followed her through the living room and out to the rooftop balcony. Tommy sat in the same chair as the first time I’d been out there, his head rolled back as he stared up at the stars. The rest of the band was present, and suddenly the emboldened woman stalking across the resort wanting answers was nowhere to be found
“Hey Edie, how’s Masie?” West asked almost instantly, as I neared their seating. Tommy’s head shot up and his eyes met mine—dark orbs that didn’t look too excited to see me. The bottle of whiskey on the low table worried me.
“She’s good. Maybe you should go see her.” West’s brow rose in surprise at my suggestion. “She decided to stay in tonight and watch a movie.”
“Oh, Loverboy,” Petty sang out. “Your girl is calling.” He’d snatched West’s phone and dangled it in his hand. Petty held it back out of reach and West tried to lunge for it.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked, concerned that I’d just suggested he visit my daughter when another girl was calling him.
“No, but he wants one,” Petty snickered, wiggling the phone further out of reach.
“Are you jealous because you don’t have one?” I asked, and the slow ohs and sharp bark of laughter told me I’d hit a nerve for Petty. “Maybe, you wanted my daughter for yourself.” My voice was rising and suddenly so was my temper. My fist clenched at my side. “Is that why you gave her all those drinks?”
The patio went silent as Petty lowered the phone, and West paused to look at me over his shoulder. The next moment time sped up as West lunged for Petty, clocking him in the jaw, knocking his head back against the seat. Gage stood to grab West off Petty while Tommy leapt to his feet