by L. B. Dunbar
+ + +
He stepped out of the tub first, and then handed me a towel. After exiting the tub, he worked the towel over me like a child, drying me off and wrapping it around me. He led me to his bed and pulled back the covers.
“I’ll set an alarm,” he said, setting up the time on his phone. I climbed under the covers and he tugged the towel off of me. “Naked cuddling,” he said, slipping behind me.
“Why aren’t you married, Tommy Carrigan?” I joked, but a tad serious in the asking. I didn’t understand. He was perfect in so many ways.
“Not my thing,” he muttered, wrapping an arm over me and dragging my back to his chest. I wanted more details. I’d already sensed he’d been scarred by love in the past. His songs were filled with pain, but I didn’t ask. After what felt like five minutes but was actually an hour and a half, I woke to dress.
“Don’t like you leaving my bed, darlin’,” he said with a groggy voice, leaving the bed as well to dress.
“Go back to sleep, baby,” I whispered, but he dressed regardless.
“Need to be a gentleman and walk you back to your room,” he said, reaching out for my hand as he led me out his door.
He kissed me at my door and waited as I swiped the keycard (Isn’t it a key card?). When I entered, I saw West standing in the living room, Masie on her feet behind him. They both looked guilty, in a way only teenagers can look guilty.
“West,” I addressed him. “Masie, honey, it’s getting kind of late.”
West nodded and stepped forward without a glance back at my daughter. Her eyes followed his retreat. As he passed me with a short, “Good night,” my eyes didn’t leave Masie. Her body language screamed of longing, and mine ached at recognizing in her how I felt.
Leaving Thomas Lawson Carrigan was starting to feel impossible.
+ + +
We went to the beach to surf on our day before the last, and some of the band decided to join us. Petty and Jared were practically pros, balancing and maneuvering as one with the water. Caleb, Masie and West were a little shaky. Masie, however, had balance as a former cheerleader, but for all of Caleb’s athleticism, he couldn’t stay on the board. Tommy told me West was from the East Coast.
“He’d never been on a board before, but he took to it pretty easily when he showed up in California.”
“What about Gage?” I asked, sitting on the white beach, watching all these young people enjoying sunshine and surf. Tommy laughed.
“I don’t think Gage trusts anything he can’t fully control, and since he isn’t mightier than the ocean, that would be a no to surfing.”
I smiled, staring off at the sea. We watched in amazement, soaking up the sun and letting the day drift. Tommy took a black notebook out of his bag and starting scribbling down notes. He looked up once, out at the sea, and then returned to writing.
“What’s that? A little black book,” I joked.
“Every man’s got to have one,” he teased.
“Surprised there are any blank pages in that one,” I retorted, feeling a little uneasy at the possibility that he owned an infamous black book, filled with phone numbers, amongst other things.
He glanced over at me. “Green is such a pretty shade on you.” His lips curled at one corner.
“Why do you always say that to me?” I laughed, knowing jealousy actually wasn’t attractive.
“It means you want only me for only you.” My breath hitched. He was so sweet. We stared at one another for a moment before he broke eye contact and wrote more in the book.
“Going to show me what’s in there, then? Since I’m jealous and all.” He snapped the pages closed with a soft clap.
“Nope,” he replied, slipping it back into his bag. Then he turned to me again.
“Have dinner with me tonight, darlin’?” His voice lowered, as if he were nervous.
“Of course,” I replied, leaning over and bumping his shoulder. His hand came up to my lower back and he tugged me to him for stolen kisses.
“Dress nice, like that black dress from our first night.” My brows rose at his recollection of my body-hugging black dress with the scoop neck.
“Okay.”
The day passed quickly, and I took my time to prepare for my final date with Tommy, because that’s what this night would be. The next day, we would leave one another. He’d return to California, and I’d go to Chicago, and despite the modern technology of texting and social media, I didn’t see how we’d keep up with one another. He was in a rock star world after all, and I was in plastic production.
The restaurant was fancy, with white linen tablecloths and a sunset view, but the only thing I wanted to watch was the man across from me. Dressed in a white dress shirt rolled to the elbows, a gray suit vest, and black jeans, his cleaned-up appearance took his hot factor to a new level of off the charts. We ordered wine. We chatted. It was another official date, and I wanted to believe the future held more times like this, but it didn’t.
Tommy had brought me to another place that had a dance floor and music playing.
“Isn’t this song typically a tango?” I asked, listening intently to the lulling sound.
“It’s ‘Sway’ by Dean Martin, but Bublé made it popular again,” Tommy said, listening as well to the sultry interpretation from the female singer accompanied by a piano. He reached across the table and stood, taking my hand and guiding me to the dance floor without asking me to dance. While he knew my apprehension, I trusted him to lead me. This wasn’t the swirling fun of a dive bar and the Bee Gees, this was the serious tempo of a seductive song. A violin was added to the mix. Tommy’s hip pressed near mine, and sliding a foot between my feet, he moved me to the lyrics about eyes for only one person and being swayed into seduction. His dancing skills were impeccable, and our bodies rolled together, gliding back and forth. A rippling embrace was the best description.
My fingers curled into the hair at the nape of his neck and his hand rested on my upper back. Chest pressed to chest, he held my hand propped between us. The singer shifted to a more modern song I recognized but couldn’t exactly place with my spotty musical knowledge. Tommy began to hum in my ear, as the song had a slightly stronger tempo and a clapping beat. The lyrics asked if the person wanted to fall in love, say the words, I love you.
“I love this song,” I said by way of catching myself from spilling my emotions to Tommy. The music washed over me as the warmth of his body added to the seduction of the music.
“Mmmm…I write songs,” he said, and I nearly tripped on his feet.
“What?”
“The black book. That’s what it’s for. I wrote many of the successful songs for Chrome Teardrops, Kit and Colt, and Collision. Sometimes, I collaborate with Gage to perfect them.” He nuzzled at my ear. “You inspire me.”
I blinked up at this man, who had one surprising secret after another. “Can you sing one for me?”
“One day,” he chuckled, leaning forward and kissing my neck, returning to hum the current melody.
“You’re an incredibly talented man, Tommy. Do you know that? I mean, really know that. You’re kind and generous, and a gentleman, and that’s a rare talent as well.” He pulled back to look down at me. His expressions sobered.
“Don’t make me feel like I could love you all the days of my life, Edie.” His tone teased, but his eyes remained dark, serious.
“Don’t make me want to fall in love with you, Tommy.” I tried to keep my voice even, steady, but it shook. It was too late, I thought. I was already in love with him.
“I wouldn’t,” he replied, his eyes opening wide, scared almost, as the chocolate melted to black.
“We shouldn’t,” I replied, trying to stay strong, attempting to keep my voice light, as I teased him. It was definitely a bad idea to fall in love with each other. But love had already tricked me, and one-sided love was never a good idea.
“But I could,” he teased, lowering his voice, raising one brow, and tilting his head.
&nbs
p; “Don’t say that.” My eyes closed, needing to shut him out and catch my breath for a second. I couldn’t play any longer. The conversation had turned too serious despite the teasing undertones in our voices.
“Don’t say goodbye, darlin’. Not yet.” His voice returned to pebbles plopping in a puddle, and I wanted to capture the sound and carry it home in my pocket. My eyes slowly opened, and I combed through the curling hair at his neck. We continued to sway.
Not ever, I wanted to reply, but didn’t. “No goodbye.” I whispered.
Later that night, we made love like we danced, and I melted under him, melding my body to his as he led me in ways I’d never moved before. Unhurried and honey-sweet, his movements were like warm syrup poured over pancakes—deliberate, drizzling, and layering me in sticky goodness and tender sweetness. My orgasm wasn’t an explosion of excitement but a tender rush, like water rippling over rocks, trickling slowly as I released and lingering as it flowed, coating my entire body from the tips of my fingers to the back of my neck in a glorious out-of-body experience. As I came down from the high, and he stilled to empty inside me, I knew I’d never be the same. Tommy Carrigan had swayed me, and I loved him.
11
Timing
I recruited Tommy for help the morning of our last day in Hawaii. With a mixing bowl, a stack of measuring cups, and a bag of ingredients, he opened the door to the penthouse for me. I set everything in the kitchen area and followed Tommy to Emaline and Ava’s room.
“Good mornin’, sleeping beauties,” Tommy softly greeted them, and they turned with sheet-creased faces and bedhead hair to look at their great uncle.
“Want to make pancakes?” I whispered, to which Ava sat upright and Emaline brushed back her mop of wayward blonde curls.
“Can I stir?” Ava asked.
“Mix, stir and pour,” I offered, holding out a hand for her. The brunette beauty stood in her princess nightgown and walked with me back to the kitchen. Under my direction, the girls measured ingredients, filled the bowl, and stirred. Tommy sat at the island, drinking coffee, and smiling in the atmosphere of excited little girls messing up a kitchen.
“What’s going on?” Gage asked, rubbing at the back of his head and standing in a pair of forest green boxer briefs. Averting my eyes, I raised my hands like blinders, whispering loudly, “Daddy’s in his underwear,” sounding like a child. Emaline giggled.
“Pancakes,” Ava announced, and Gage stared at Tommy before looking back at me. I peeked between separated fingers and then closed my eyes, telling myself not to admire his under-thirty body of steel and the strip of dark hair climbing to his belly button.
“I’d say…I could buy you another hour or so in bed.” It was a peace offering for borrowing his children for my own reasons this morning. I didn’t want to say farewell yet.
Ivy padded down the hall, a robe wrapped around her. “What’s all this?”
Gage turned to her. “Another hour in bed.” He rushed her, picking her up by lowering his shoulder into her stomach and carrying her caveman-style back to their bedroom.
Tommy and I exchanged a look before I laughed, shaking my head. Oh, to be so young again, I thought.
“Are you a grandma?” Emaline asked, and I smiled at the innocence of a four-year old.
“No, sweetheart. Caleb and Masie are my babies, all grown-up, but they don’t have any children, so I’m not a grandma yet.” Emaline looked at me, confused by the process, but Ava filled in for her sister.
“We don’t have any grandmas. Mommy’s mommy died and Daddy doesn’t talk to his. Tommy’s like a grandpa, though.” I looked at Tommy, whose face beamed with pride. His eyes lowered, but his smile said it all. He loved these girls like a grandfather.
“You could be our grandma,” Ava said, shrugging her shoulder, like what she suggested worked as easy as asking. Tommy’s eyes shot to mine.
“Well, I’d be honored to be your grandma, but it doesn’t work that way,” I said, not willing to tackle the complicated explanation of why I could not be her grandmother.
“Just saying,” Ava said, sounding wise beyond her years and equally innocent at the same time.
“Yeah, just saying,” Emaline repeated, brushing back her blonde curls. I shook my head with a chuckle, looking away from Tommy. Just saying, I’d welcome them with open arms in any capacity to be part of my family.
The door opened, and Petty walked in, followed by Jared.
“Pancakes?” Petty shouted in question, and reached out for me, embracing me in a fierce hug. Rocking me back and forth, he spoke over my head to Tommy. “Can I keep her, Tommy? Please, pretty, please.”
Tommy chuckled and then admonished him, “Get off my girl.” Petty released me and took a bite off Emaline’s plate.
“Hey, that was mine,” she whined, and Petty asked, “Want it back?” like the child he could be. He kissed her blonde head and moved to the coffee pot. Jared came up to me next, rubbed across my back, and kissed my cheek.
“Thanks, Edie,” he said, and I looked up to find eyes filled with a request for forgiveness. The fight from the other night was forgotten; he didn’t need to ask. I adored these young men.
Suddenly, I felt like I was at a play, the final curtain was falling and each of the main characters were taking a last bow. The performance was ready to end, and my heart cried out for an encore. I wanted more time with these amazing people. As if on cue, Gage and Ivy reentered the kitchen, freshly showered. Gage went to Ava first, kissing her head, before picking up Emaline and removing her from the stool. Ivy walked to me. Hugging me, she whispered, “Thank you,” and liquid filled my eyes. I pulled her tighter, blinking back the tears. How would I say goodbye to this sweet girl?
Releasing her, I stepped back to flip more pancakes. I’d already texted Masie and Caleb to join us, and I refused to look up when they entered. I couldn’t say goodbye to my growing children any more than I could separate from these strangers that had grown so important to me. But Masie was going to nursing school eventually, and Caleb would be leaving for spring training shortly after we returned home.
“You okay, darlin’?” Tommy asked at my side. I nodded without looking up at him. A thick finger tipped up my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Not yet, darlin’. Don’t go there yet.”
I nodded to agree but time was ticking. There wasn’t much longer to not go there, but I smiled weakly and returned to making pancakes.
+ + +
We spent the late morning and early afternoon at the pool, soaking in the final minutes of Hawaiian sunshine until the last possible moment. Caleb, Masie, and I had a later flight, but we still needed to shower and pack, return the rental car, and suddenly, a list of final details weighed on me.
“I think I’ll head up early,” I said, no longer able to sit still, and no longer able to prolong the inevitable. I collected my things and stood to slip on my cover-up.
I looked at Petty and Jared first. “It was a pleasure to meet you boys,” I said, nodding as they stared back at me. “Try to stay out of trouble.” Jared was the first to rouse from his questioning gaze and stood to hug me. Petty followed. West and Masie had gone for a walk, so I’d wish him well a little later. Ivy called Ava and Emaline to me, and I kissed them each on the head before telling them to be good girls for their mother. Gage surprised me, by enveloping me in a warm embrace. “Don’t say goodbye to her,” he whispered, and the concern in his dark eyes surprised me.
Ivy’s eyes filled when she stepped into me, as did mine.
“My beautiful new friend. Not goodbye,” I said. I pressed her back before she hugged me too hard, breaking me into a public display of sobs. Holding her at her shoulders, I gently shook her. “Not goodbye, right? You have my number and my email. You call me. I’d love to see you again.” She nodded, unable to speak as her eyes lowered.
“Not goodbye,” I whispered and tugged her to me. She returned the hug hard, and I willed myself not to shatter in front of them. I couldn’t look at Tommy.
He’d already said he refused to say goodbye, but he’d meet us in the lobby to load our car. “See you in a bit,” I struggled to say, still refusing to look directly at him as I walked away.
+ + +
“Mom, what’s wrong?” Masie asked, as she banged on the bathroom door.
“Nothing,” I said, through choking sobs. “Nothing,” I tried again, focusing on steadying my voice. “Be out in a few minutes.”
I heard Masie walk away from the door and then another door opened. There was a slam in the background and then a sharp rap on the bathroom door again.
“Edie, let me in,” Tommy bellowed. Oh, God, no, go away, I thought. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I promised myself no tears. I told myself I could be strong. I could walk away. I would walk away.
“Tommy, honey, I need to get ready to go. I’ll be out in a while.” We weren’t saying goodbye; he told me last night. “Tell Ivy I said safe travels and kiss the girls again for me.” Another sob threatened to escape and I covered my mouth with both hands. My voice refused to steady. I had faked a normal tone as long as I could.
“Let me in, darlin’.” The handle to the bathroom door jiggled. His voice rose, a touch of agitation to it. I shook my head as if he could see me. No, I thought again. No way. My hands remained over my mouth.
A thump on the door and it shot inward, opening towards me. Turning to face him, I was horrified to find he’d broken the door, but his expression of wide eyes and open mouth proved he was equally surprised. I was a mess of tears, and I spun away from him.
“Darlin’.” He touched my shoulder, and I shuddered, but I kept my back to him. He forced me to turn and pulled me into a hug, tucking me under his chin and into his chest. He let me cry, the tears no longer able to be retained, the sob escaping with a sharp bark. We stood like this a few seconds before he spoke.
“Darlin’, do you want to see me again?”