by L. B. Dunbar
“Next time,” he amended. “Next time, we’ll go to my house.” The answer worked for me, as his mouth took mine. His hands skimmed my body, reaching for hems and lowering waists, and any other questions I had about us were lost in the sex. This was my problem. The sex was a thick smog that clouded my decisions.
+ + +
We spent the rest of that night huddled under the blankets talking and kissing.
“Mmmm. You like that don’t you?” Tommy asked, as I stroked fingertips over his scratchy jaw and kissed his neck. My feet were tucked between his thighs and I moaned in response. Those scruffy cheeks brought me strange comfort and contentment warmed my insides.
“There are so many things we should talk about,” he said after another kiss, “but I just want to linger at your lips.” On this comment, I pulled back, the contented feeling cooling inside me a little.
“Like what?” My eyes searched his face, and my heart tip-toed toward my stomach. My emotions were on a rollercoaster, and I couldn’t get myself to settle into enjoying the ride.
“I want to know more about your marriage, but then again I don’t. I want to know what he did to make you the way you are, but then again I want to forget he had you first.” His fingers brushed over my hair and his eyes followed the motion.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” His words were so sweet, my own voice struggled to speak.
“I don’t know if I want the answers,” he said, finally looking directly at me. My brows pinched, completely uncertain what he might ask. His mouth opened and then it closed.
“Sometimes, there are questions that don’t need an answer.” He returned to caressing my hair and curling his fingers around my ear. “You’re with me now, and that’s all I need to know.”
My brow pinched again, but his lips took mine, clearing away the discussion. More smog, I thought.
+ + +
The next night he said he had somewhere he wanted to show me. We drove through the early evening darkness and wound through forested roads. The lush coastline surprised me, as most of my limited impression of California included palm trees and sandy beaches, not open fields and conifers. Eventually we turned off the two-lane highway and crept up a narrow path through thick-trunked trees, pulling to a halt at the top of a cliff. Turning off the headlights, we were surrounded in darkness.
“Whoa.” I giggled at the severity of black around us.
“Give your eyes a second to adjust.” Tommy opened his door and came around to mine. Holding it open, he extended his hand and helped me step out of the car. I looked up at the night sky, and my breath hitched. Millions of stars dotted the heavens. Under the slightly cool evening air, the image looked magical. Tommy had rounded the car for the trunk and returned with a blanket. Spreading it before us, he guided me to sit between his legs.
We’d had a nice day. Late breakfast. Wine tasting. Lounging in the room. The time passed, lazy and pleasant.
“I love you,” he whispered at my ear and something in his voice made me turn.
“I love you,” I said back, keeping my voice quiet as if I’d disturb the peacefulness around us. He swallowed at the words and kissed me too briefly.
“You’ve lived in Chicago your whole life, right?” I nodded, but he continued. “Ever consider moving?”
I pulled back, startled by the question. “All the time,” I laughed. “It’s cold there in the winter.”
His eyes glinted despite the darkness, but something serious lingered in them.
“It is cold there, but I’m being serious. Ever think you’d move somewhere else?”
“I guess I hadn’t given it much thought.” I shrugged. Any Midwesterner considers moving during sub-zero temperatures. We joke about it during an April snowstorm, but seriously considering a move, that I hadn’t done. Then my brain tapped itself and reminded me not to lie, because I had contemplated it, for about sixty seconds. I allowed myself the impossible dream that Tommy Carrigan would want to transplant me to California.
“My job is in Chicago,” I blurted as if he could read those wayward thoughts. “Caleb is in Iowa, which is near enough, and Masie still has to graduate high school. I keep hoping she’ll stay close to home for college.” I did hope she’d be close, but she’d been leaning toward the West Coast. Her graduation was another reminder I’d be even more alone sooner rather than later.
“You mentioned that,” he said, massaging at the nape of my neck. “You know, essentially, you’ll be an empty nester.”
The thought made me feel old, and a little no-longer-needed, as if my purpose as a mother had ended. I nodded reflectively, remaining silent under the eerie quiet of the dark night.
“Does that make you sad, darlin’? You’re very quiet.”
I exhaled before I spoke, preparing to share more honesty with him. “I hadn’t ever considered I’d spend the middle years of my life alone. David said it would be the time we’d travel, see the world and have an adventure. He’d tease the kids that we’d be happy to see them leave us, so we could do what we wanted with our lives. But the truth was, we never had adventures to begin with. We didn’t have grand plans. I didn’t know where his comments stemmed from,” I paused, uncomfortable that I mentioned David so casually. “I never foresaw travel in my future. Hawaii was a once-in-a-lifetime trip.”
Tommy kissed my neck, and his smile lingered. “Yes, it was, darlin.’” He nipped my neck again. “But you aren’t alone.” The words caressed my skin, and I shivered. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tighter against his chest. We both looked up at the stars, wanting, wishing.
“California is a lovely place,” he sighed behind me, and his shoulders released a hidden tension I hadn’t sensed.
I smiled to myself. “Yes, it is.”
“Want to move here?”
I tried to spin to face him, but he held me fast, my back still pressed against his chest. He didn’t allow me to look him in the eye to gauge the seriousness of his question. I twisted to look at him over my shoulder. “Why?”
He chuckled, his head shaking in the dark. “Always a question with a question.” I wanted to point out he sometimes avoided answers with that answer. His arms squeezed me, and his mouth lowered. Another too-brief kiss covered my neck.
“You’re igniting dreams I didn’t know could exist for me, Edie Williams.”
I giggled a little. “You’re quite the fantasy as well, Mr. Carrigan.”
He purred at my ear. “Speaking of fantasy…” His voice drifted as he shuffled behind me and stood. Reaching down for my hand, he tugged me upward as he bent forward to retrieve the blanket. He threw the blanket over the hood of his car and then spun me until I backed into the front bumper.
“Wha…” The word wasn’t completed before his mouth covered mine in that signature, capturing kiss. He gently pressed against my body, molding me to his as I lowered to the hood. Releasing my lips, he pulled back slightly as his hand travelled to the waist of my jeans.
“I want to make all your fantasies come true, darlin’,” he whispered, his voice not as playful as it typically was, but a combination of earnest and urgent. His fingers struggled with my jeans. The button. The zipper.
“What are you doing?” I chuckled as flutters tickled my belly.
“Fulfilling my own fantasy, beautiful.” His lips met mine, momentarily distracting me. He pulled back abruptly, working my jeans and underwear down to allow cool air to hit my thighs and a scratchy car blanket to tickle my backside. Fingers filled me, and I arched at the welcome intrusion. “Fuck, darlin’, this isn’t going to be enough.”
Releasing me quickly, leaving me empty, he wrestled my jeans to my ankles and then hastily undid his own jeans.
“Taking me on the hood of this car?” I questioningly muttered, my hazy memory recalling the flirtatious tease I threw out there when I first saw this beautiful convertible.
“Oh, I plan to, darlin’. On this car. In this car.” There was no time to clarify the specifics
as he leaned forward and thrust into me. I moaned as I slid a little with the force, the blanket slipping beneath me on the smooth hood. “I plan to take you places you’ve never been.”
His mouth crushed mine, so I couldn’t tell him he’d already done that. He’d already taken me so many places I never dreamed I’d go, done so many things I only imagined doing. He’d been the adventure I never knew I’d have. Hawaii was a once in a lifetime experience, and so was Tommy Carrigan.
15
Extra surprised
By March, the winter weather was getting to me. I hadn’t seen Tommy in nearly a month. He travelled to Chicago a second time at the end of February, but the physical distance and longevity of time between visits continued to wear on me. He said I wasn’t alone, but I felt more alone knowing he was out there and I was over here. We chatted often like teenagers. Some nights we sexually played. Other nights we talked about life, but the separation was draining on me. I was too old to consider that this was the full extent of our relationship. He lived in a whole different world in California, one that revolved around social activity, and the frenzy only increased the closer the boys got to their summer tour.
Ivy had been upset to learn I’d been in California.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whined.
“It was a spur of the moment surprise. Besides, we didn’t even stay near L.A. We went to Napa.” I tried to sound cheerful about the weekend getaway, making it appear as if Napa was too far away to be so close to her. I’d still been disappointed and a bit discouraged that I hadn’t seen his home.
“Why didn’t he bring you here?”
I sighed in response. I still hadn’t gotten an official answer to that question, and my overactive imagination told me he held more secrets.
“I don’t really know,” I said, my voice lowering. He said it was because he’d keep me there, but I choked on another thought. Maybe he didn’t want me to see his world. I didn’t fit with him. It was something I thought of often, and yet each time he called me, the negative thoughts erased. Nevertheless, I tried not to imagine a future with him, because I couldn’t envision us together. I swallowed hard at the thought. We’d never discussed how to end this, if things didn’t work out. We’d never had that conversation I’d read about where lovers agree when it’s no longer working for one person, they would let the other person go. I’d be crushed if he simply walked away.
“Well, it sounds romantic,” Ivy said, her voice quiet, encouraging, as if she could read my thoughts. “He’s been working so hard with the band lately. He must have wanted a weekend away, keeping you all to himself.”
“Probably.” My voice trembled, I wasn’t convincing her any more than myself. I nodded like she could see me and quickly swiped at a tear trickling down my cheek.
Thankfully, the conversation shifted to the music therapy school and her progression with the lawyer.
“I would have loved to show you. Do you think Tommy will bring you out here again soon?”
“I don’t really know, honey. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. We don’t really plan things. Besides, I have a trip to Arizona at the last week of March.” The words sounded pathetic. Again, I mentally questioned what type of relationship we had. Were we just long-distance lovers? What kind of relationship was that?
I had a strong suspicion I had a better-located, more-attentive, possibility in my boss, if I wished to date locally. However, Max’s attention cooled after I cancelled the Nights concert. He still flirted on occasion, and complimented me more than he had in the past. Or maybe I hadn’t noticed in the past, too absorbed in healing myself after the cancer treatments. Or maybe sex revived me, and the experience glowed off my skin, announcing I was ready to share myself with another person in a physical manner. I laughed at myself. The only person I wanted to share anything with was Tommy Carrigan.
+ + +
Masie’s spring break coincided with spring training games for Caleb. David not only offered miles and points for this trip, but he’d had slightly renewed interest in communication with me because of the trip. I wasn’t naïve enough to not be suspicious. My inner knowledge of him told me to hold on; the other shoe would drop eventually. However, he sounded sincere at moments, and I wondered if he felt the same as me. Our children were outgrowing us.
“It’s the last time we can really be together as a family,” he said, hinting at Masie’s impending high school graduation. I wanted to scream that the last time we’d been a family was over three years ago, and officially longer than that, but an eerie sensation prevented me from arguing. David teetered on the brink of being an absentee dad, and I feared that Masie’s graduation would sever ties with his daughter. He didn’t know how to communicate with his children, unless they were doing something he wanted them to do. Thus, Caleb had a connection with his father because of baseball. Masie, not so much.
I was worn down by work, the weather, and the wayward thoughts of Tommy when we finally left for Arizona. I needed the long weekend respite Max allowed me to take, and looked forward to time with my children. The sunshine alone would do me good, I decided, and I went into the trip full of hope for rest and relaxation.
“You look different,” David said, eyeing me as we stood in the hotel lobby. I didn’t see my ex-husband often. He’d been one of those men on the edge of model good-looking. Angular cheeks. Sparkling eyes. A dimple in his cheek that melted panties. It stung me that he was aging well: fine lines by his brown eyes, salt and pepper mixing in his once dark hair. But the swollen jowls of his neck told me he still indulged in too much alcohol.
We hadn’t flown together, but we coordinated enough to meet at the airport and ride to the hotel together. His eyes continued to skim over my body, taking in the skinny jeans and fitted T-shirt I’d worn, and the flip-flops at my feet.
“You look good.” He spoke as if the comment surprised him, and I hated him a little more. There were so many times I’d look at him and try to remember I once loved him. Then he’d say something that would remind me why I no longer did.
We were called forward to register, and I beamed heat into the back of his head, noticing a slight balding that strangely pleased me. He’d traded me in for a younger model on a whim that ended before we divorced. I’d never recovered from the betrayal. His freedom meant he partied harder than previously. My head shook, willing away thoughts I didn’t want to envision because I no longer cared.
“Where’s my room?” I snapped as we stood by the concierge desk, checking into the hotel, and I watched the desk clerk slide one envelope to David.
“I only had enough points to book one room.” If David had hit me over the head with a baseball bat, I’d be less surprised.
“You what?”
“Do you know how expensive it is here at this time of year? Not to mention how full most of these places are because of the pre-season games?” He tapped the keycards on the counter and took the pen from the pretty young thing working the desk. After signing a receipt, he slid a card to me.
“I can’t believe this,” I muttered, turning for my bag. Masie stood a few feet back from us, typing on her phone. The sight reminded me to text Tommy. He wanted to know we arrived safely and checked in. He wasn’t pleased with my travelling with my ex-husband but he understood the concept of family, no matter how loosely ours was linked.
Made it here. I sent.
What room you in?
Without considering the question, I replied: 323.
The elevator dinged, and we each entered, pulling our suitcases behind us. I lost connection for a second in the lift and slipped my phone back in my bag. Entering the room, I silently seethed as I noticed the two queen-sized beds and rather tight space. Clearly, Masie and I would be sharing a bed, but the thought of being in the same room with David made me uneasy. Had I known this was the arrangement, I would have booked something myself. I sat with a huff on the edge of a bed.
Hardly a minute passed before a knock came to the door. D
avid looked around at our bags, taking stock that we brought up our own luggage. Shrugging, he walked for the entrance and opened it.
“Who the fuck are you?” The slight accent and gruff tone, sharp on the k sound could only be one man. I stood and turned for the door.
“Tommy?” A smile broke on my face at the welcome surprise of him, however, my expression quickly shifted when I saw the look in his eyes. Cold black steel.
“What the fuck is this?”
“This is my room,” David interjected. “And you clearly have the wrong one.”
“Where’s your room, darlin’?” Tommy asked, ignoring David, and attempting to pass him for entrance into the small space. David’s hand came up and pressed toward Tommy.
“What do you think you’re doing?” The calmness to his defensive tone almost made me laugh. The comparison between the two men was night and day. Lion and mouse. Sunshine and snow. Tommy was black T-shirt and dark jeans—broad, powerful, confident. David, on the other hand, was thick from alcohol, demeaning in tone, but weak in presence with his golf shirt and khaki pants.
“I’m getting my girl,” Tommy announced, brushing past David and strutting to me. His hands cupped my face, and while I anticipated a kiss, none came. His cold eyes searched mine, thick thumbs stroking over my cheeks.
“What’s going on here?” David barked behind Tommy.
“Where’s your room, darlin’?” Something shifted in Tommy’s eyes, the darkness lightning to confusion.
“I don’t have one. I didn’t know he only booked us one.” A hand slipped from my face. The other stilled its caresses. His eyes shifted to coal again.
“For the two of you?”
“For the three of us.” I waved a hand out at Masie, who stood between the beds, watching this awkward interchange between her mother, her father, and her mother’s lover. Tommy turned toward her.