by CJ Lyons
Didn’t think kissing would be such an experience. Up til this point, I’ve only viewed it as some sort of obligation to the person you love, but now I see its actual function.
It really is quite enjoyable.
Heh.
We went home, (back to my place) and took showers to warm up. (Not together, mind.)
Made some hot chocolate too, and we were just settling down comfortably in the living room when Terra stumbled in, soaking wet and laughing.
According to her, it was one of her best nights all year.
I somehow doubt it was any better than mine.
After Terra decided to turn in after regaling us with the story of her evening, he yawned widely.
Led him to the spare room, which I’ve decided to clean up and use as his room whenever he’s here.
After he was tucked in, with pink spots on his cheeks from the warmth, I bent low and gave him another soft kiss.
We broke off and shared a mutual smile.
Okay, so the fourth kiss was magical, but I still preferred this one.
The fifth kiss was love.
October
/end/
118 Days, 1 November, Saturday
Okay, so now I just feel really guilty. Last night was amazing, wonderful, beautiful. But now…
If I’m going to die on the 27th of February, I don’t want to lead him on, and make him care about me. It will only hurt him more when I do die…
But what if she was wrong, and I’m not going to die? Then I would absolutely keep going with him.
But if we’re discovered by someone like his father, or our classmates, we could be horribly persecuted against.
This is so unfair. Why can’t we just be in love like other people?
Oh, because we’re just not like other people.
I’ve got a predetermined deathday, and he’s cursed with terrible unluckiness.
Star cross’d lovers indeed.
117 Days, 2 November, Sunday
Broke my lamp today. So now it’s really dark in my room in the one corner. It was sort of amusing how it broke I guess, like one of those drawings where there’s a whole chain reaction of things to open a birdcage or something.
Tangled my foot in the blankets on my bed when I got up, fell down, and kicked my mattress while doing so, which knocked into the night stand and the lamp fell off.
So both the lamp and I were lying on the floor on opposite sides of the bed when Terra came in to see what all the noise was.
Upon figuring out exactly what had happened, she smiled and shook her head, and left without a word.
She must be used to me by now. Haha.
Tomorrow will be the first time I’ll see Noah since the park.
He decided to return home after our ‘dance’ in the park, and seemed incredibly happy to me.
I love seeing him smile.
But I’m all happy and excited, with that nasty little thought in my mind warning me away from him. Don’t want him to love me if that means that I’m going to die and leave him alone.
What do I do?
116 Days, 3 November, Monday
It seems the same sort of thought occurred to him, as he seemed more troubled today than I had seen him in a while.
When I sat down in front of him in Math, he seemed to perk up.
“Hello, how are you today?” he asked, not sounding convincingly happy.
“I’m ok… are you alright?”
His reply took longer than usual, “I… am.”
At that point, the teacher came in and threw his textbook on his desk. Groaned, and he glowered at me.
We have a sort of unspoken mutual dislike for one another. He doesn’t like teaching me, and I don’t like learning from him.
Although, today was just a work period, about the confusing crap we learned last week.
Surprisingly, one of the girls from last week approached Noah to get help with the problems. Was actually really happy with that. Maybe if he can make a bunch of friends, it’ll be less painful when I die…
Listening to him explain the question to the girl made the questions make sense; he could probably be a teacher if he wanted to.
In English today, I ended up falling asleep. This has never happened before.
Had a really odd dream too. It was wintertime, there was snow everywhere, and I was walking past the school. Saw someone in the distance, and then they fell. Snow fell harder as I ran to them.
By the time I reached them, they were completely covered, so I worked to dig them out. Saw black hair, and immediately, my heart skipped, knowing exactly who it was. He frequents my dreams enough.
Somehow, there was a role-reversal, and I was trying to claw my way out of a snowdrift. Noah was tugging on me, could see his terrified eyes past the blowing snow.
Was having some trouble breathing, so I struggled less actively, falling back into the snow.
He called out to me then, so I answered.
Everything went red.
Woke to Noah tugging on the sleeve of my shirt from behind me, and the rest of the class talking amongst themselves.
Turned around, with the dream still fogging up my mind. “Mmgh, what?”
“It is not wise to sleep during class. You might miss something important, or get in trouble.” He looked at my face, “Also, you may wake up with saliva running down your chin.”
Hastily, I wiped my chin, and shook my head to clear the snow from my thoughts.
He didn’t make another comment about my sleeping in class, and we commenced our study questions.
For the rest of the evening, I still felt like my mind was cloaked in frost. Can’t concentrate. Things keep sliding out of my mind, like ideas on ice.
105 Days, 14 November, Friday
OH MY FREAKIN GODDESS. I am so happy to be writing in this book again.
Had to move all the stuff out of my locker last Tuesday, as apparently they’re renovating in the old wing of the school. In the move, my journal here became completely lost.
Found it in the lost and found box in the office here. I just pray that no one read it. Can imagine someone might, it could be kind of interesting. But… what if…?
Fingers crossed that no one read this. Eesh.
That would just create all sorts of terrible problems for us. Yes, us. Noah and I have gained a new shared pronoun. In my journal’s absence about three important things have happened.
First, Noah has an amazing ability to play the piano, something he claims is from years of discipline under the most accomplished pianist in this side of the country. It was awe-inspiring to listen to him play, and Terra was thoroughly impressed, and went on about just stealing him away and keeping him here. We exchanged glances as she hugged him enthusiastically. This past month, however, he seems in high spirits, and our classmates are less rude to him than usual. Don’t think his home life is terrible right now either, he’s almost completely healed.
Second, I fell down the stairs last weekend in my haste to answer the door, and my ankle is all gimped up now. It’s all black and blue. Urck.
Third, we tried kissing again, just last night, so the memory is fresher in my mind.
We were just watching my supernatural-type show, and there was one of the inevitable make-out scenes. I blushed instantly, my mind immediately going into the gutter.
He was as composed as ever, and kept his face completely blank as he watched the writhing couple on the screen.
I paused it at a nice dark screen, making him look over to me curiously.
“We could try that again… if you want.” I said softly, trying not to sound like a creep.
“Try what?”
“That…” I gestured at the television, blushing intensely. I could feel the heat radiating off my face.
“A display of osculation?”
“Wha-? No?! I don’t want- wait, what does that mean?”
“Osculation means to kiss. It is also used in a mathematical sense, although I don’t
think that definition is appropriate in this context.”
“Oh, yes, kissing. That’s what I meant.”
“If you like, I shall certainly participate.”
Chuckled, and ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah… okay.” At this point, I was kicking myself for how I initiated the whole situation. Should have just kissed him without all this weird precursor.
“Shall I turn a bit so it is more comfortable?” he asked, completely scientific about the whole thing.
“If you like.” I turned too, facing him. He leaned forward, and placed the tiniest of kisses on my lips. With his eyes open.
“Was that satisfactory?” he asked, leaning back.
“Er, it was a little… emotionless.”
“I see. How shall I improve?”
“Remember how happy you were when we were in the park? Try and think about that.”
“I understand.” He leaned forward again.
“Oh, and close your eyes. It’s weird if you don’t.”
He complied, and as I closed my eyes, I felt his hand on my knee. We kissed, this one lasted longer than any of the other ones. He broke it off and leaned back.
“This is a unique experiment. Do all friends study this act as a part of their friendship?”
My mouth dropped open. “Uh, no… not exactly.”
“We are an exception then?”
“No, well, yeah… er, don’t you know what it means?”
“An act to show mutual care between friends.”
Guess he completely misunderstood the kissing in the rain. He thought it was just some kind of platonic thing. Felt the blush in my face get even darker, now I was kind of embarrassed.
“It’s more than… It’s to show a romantic interest in people. It’s to show love for people. More than caring.”
He was silent for too long, staring at me intensely. Then he shook his head, shuffling away from me on the couch. “You can’t. You can’t love me. I’m dangerous. Haven’t you heard it from anyone?”
“People say you’re unlucky, but-“
“It’s true. Everyone important to me dies, or gets hurt, or something terrible happens to people they love. We have to remain friends, simply that. Anything more means we are connected more, and you are in danger.”
“What- why?”
“I am a curse. People around me get hurt, and they all die. Eventually, when everyone that matters to me is gone-“ he stopped, and looked away, swallowing. “I will not allow you to love me. I forbid it. You are too good to be a victim of my curse.”
Gaped, taken aback by his sharp tone. “But- but I, I want to-“
“You cannot.” He stood up, and grabbed his coat. Got up slowly, following him to the door.
With his hand on the doorknob, he turned around, “I wish-“ he shook his head and made to open the door. His face, it was expressionless, as usual, but I could feel more misery than ever before.
That’s when I decided.
Placed my hand on the door and pushed it shut, pinning him between me and the door.
“I won’t let you go. I’ll take your curse and beat it. I- I love you, Noah.”
At this, he almost looked furious. “Don’t you understand?” He pushed me off, “You can’t!” Could tell he was close to crying, just from the tone of his voice. “You’re just going to die like the rest of my friends!”
He leaned against the wall beside the door, sliding down. His shoulders shook as he rested his forehead against his knees. “I don’t want- it. I want you to live… I wished… I just want to be… happy.”
Knelt down in front of him, and grabbed his hand. “Is happiness for a short time better than never knowing it at all?” Knew I could make him happy for another 105 days before I died. It was a small guarantee, but I had been brought up to believe the whole ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ shtick.
Maybe it applies here as well.
He looked up, his eyes glistening. “Yes… you make me happy. I enjoy being around you. These past months were wonderful with you as my friend.”
“Then, why? We can be friends for longer than this!”
“You’ll get killed, don’t you understand??” he grabbed my shoulders, gripping them almost painfully. “You’ll die, and it’ll be my fault. I can’t do that again. Too many people have died because of me, and I will do anything to prevent that from happening again.”
“What if I can live? I could stay alive and then it would break your curse!”
I was playing with fire at this point. Don’t know for certain if I’m going to live or die on 27th February. If I do, it’ll break him. It’ll break another promise.
He closed his eyes, and slumped in his place beside the wall. “It would be remarkable if you do.” His eyebrows cinched together. “I just don’t want you to fail. I cannot live through the death of another important person.”
I wanted to make a promise, wanted to guarantee my survival. It’s so unfair. Just want to love him without problems! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???
“I’m so tired… of having my heart broken.” He mumbled, wiping his eyes.
“It won’t break again.” I said, thinking immediately of the blue heart he gave me. Pulled it out from inside my shirt, and let it hang between us. “I’m keeping it safe, remember?”
He smiled sadly, and touched the glass surface. “You are. I had forgotten.” He moved his hand to the side of my face, smiling more sincerely now. “I will try. You have convinced me.”
We stood up together, and he sniffed, scrubbing at his face. “I was easy to convince. I want to love you so much it is interfering with my common sense.”
“Love has that effect on people.” I smiled, “That’s why it’s tricky to get it right.”
“I will try my best to get this right.” He kissed me softly, hesitantly, “You are worth it.”
I smiled, hugging him tightly. Didn’t have any words for him. All I could do then was hold him, and feel his happiness all around me.
He did leave not long after that, though, but on better terms than if I hadn’t stopped him.
104 Days, 15 November, Saturday
Had one of the freakiest dreams ever last night. What the hell. It was terrifying. Still all shaky when I think about it.
It was a normal school day, but in fast-forward, Math and Physics flew by, and then I was walking alone in the main hallway. Turned down a hallway that doesn’t actually exist in the school, which had a door at the end of it.
When I opened the door, I was in an unused classroom in the old wing of the school. A weird way to get here, but whatever.
Took a step, and something splashed. Weird. I kept walking without looking down, very aware that whatever I was stepping in was getting deeper.
Finally looked down, and immediately freaked out. I was ankle-deep in blood. Jumped onto a nearby desk, horrified and grossed out by it.
Heard splashes behind me. Turned around quickly, meeting the ice blue gaze of Noah.
Except… he looked… different. His normally raven black hair was bright white, and there was no colour in his skin. At all. He was a sort of ashy grey. It wasn’t him, it was some weird shell of him. Like a terrible reflection.
“You’re… not…” I mumbled, thoroughly confused.
He looked at me sadly, and then bent down. He cupped a large quantity of blood in his hands, and threw it in his face.
“There!” he yelled, bending down and repeating his actions over and over. “I look like him now! You cannot tell the difference, can you?” He was drenched in blood now, so the dissimilarities between him and Noah were completely obscured by the blood. It really was hard to see the difference.
He approached me, the blue of his eyes even more intense amidst the crimson blood covering him. It was dripping off his face and clinging to his eyelashes, and almost made me ill.
Couldn’t move; think I was frozen in fear. Still remember the sensation of the rapid beating of my heart.
“But this kiss is wrong, you are wrong.” He walked away from me, heading toward the exit.
“You are wrong!!!” he yelled, slamming his hand on the door. He fell to his knees, smearing his bloody handprint all the way to the floor, crying softly, “You are wrong… why do I have to wait here so long? I want to die, it is not fair…”
I got off the desk, hesitantly putting my feet in the blood again and walked over to him.
“Who- who are you?” I asked, standing above him.
“You know me,” he splashed more blood in his face, rubbing it into his hair and making sure to cover his whole face. “I am Noah. That is me.”
Shook my head, “No… you’re different. You’re someone else entirely.”
“I am not!” he yelled, getting up and rushing at me. Before he could reach me, however, flames burst up from the ground and grabbed him, pulling him away.
Fell back, landing in the huge pool of blood. I cringed, pulling my hands out of it, disgusted by it. He was gone when I looked back up.
Sat up, awake, in my own bed. Visions of the dream overlapped reality, blood. Jumped out of bed, sickened by the cold wet crimson tide bursting out of my sheets.
Horrible. I blinked, and my sheets were clean and crisp, the normal pale yellow. Shook off the dream, shakily getting back in bed.
Felt really alone in my bed; wanted someone here with me. I’ve never had a nightmare so bad that I wanted someone to help me before. Wish Noah had been there with me.
Wish he was there to hold. I made do with holding a pillow and pretending it was him.
103 Days, 16 November, Sunday
Today was uneventful. Wish there was something significant I could put in her so that there would be a recording of something interesting for every day. But I guess that’s impractical, because there’s no way for every day to have something amazing or interesting to report.
All I did today was watch television and make cookies. Maybe there’s significance in the mundane.