by CJ Lyons
Now that I know he exists, I need to be near him. It was fine to picture some kind of happy and unattainable future before; before everything became real.
Noah is real. I’ve seen him, heard him, touched him, smelled him, tasted him. My senses tell me he’s everything I need and want.
My senses are addicted to him, from even the short amount of time we spent together.
This distance would be more bearable if I knew I’d feel him again. The uncertainty of his absence is what’s killing me right now. Know he had the noblest of causes, to keep me safe. But I’m hating him for it. Nobody asked you to be noble!!
Why did you leave? Why did you leave when I can’t bear to be away from you? How can you stand it?
Then, the worst uncertainty:
Did you lie to me?
Then noticed I was sweeping the same spot on the floor over and over, and shook my head, grabbing the dustpan.
Terra was very aware of how I must have been feeling, because she came home with pizza and a few video rentals.
To be honest, the comedies she picked out did lighten my mood a bit, and her genuine care was comforting. We sat together on the couch, and she kept her arm around me.
Feel kind of stupid. Weak and vulnerable.
The feeling of failure won’t go away.
When we went to our own rooms to go to bed, I opened the box we designated for my heart collection.
It was nearly half-full, glittering and shining up at me as if nothing were wrong. Gently, I ran my fingers over the varying surfaces, and then grabbed a handful, throwing them on the floor.
“It was a lie!” I yelled, upending the whole box on the floor. The fragile blown glass one Noah found at the dollar store shattered, its glass fragments dispersing amongst all the smaller hearts.
Impulsively, I reached for it, earning several sharp stings as the uneven edges pierced my hand.
The pain was almost comforting. Slammed my hand into the fragments, burying them deep, raging out my frustrations. The anger surged, making me strike the glimmering pile over and over, until my hand was raw and red. Tiny pieces of glass stuck in it at all angles, shining in the light from my lamp.
It occurred to me then. This was how we met. Glass pieces buried in soft flesh. Is this how we’re going to end too?
Leaned against my dresser, allowing the sharp pains to spike through my hand.
This is stupid.
This is stupid.
This is stupid.
The more I write that, the more I realise it.
Terra knocked on my door, and then cautiously opened it, peeking through the crack at me. “Aerian…?” Then she gasped, throwing the door wide. “What are you doing?” She ran to my side, reaching out for me.
“Nothing.”
Terra just stared at me, placing her hand on the side of my face. “What can I do?” She looked at me pleadingly, “What can I do to make you better? Is there anything I can do or say to make you not hurt?”
Looked away, wincing as she grabbed my hand.
“I know why you’re in so much pain. After everything you did for him, he left. But you have to try to keep it together, honey.” Terra brushed my fringe away from face, “You have to try. You can’t keep living in pain like this.”
Wanted to say something positive to her, to reassure her that I was going to smile for her again. But nothing occurred to me, so that’s what I maintained it was.
“It’s nothing.” I murmured, pulling my hand away from hers, dripping blood onto my floor.
“It’s not nothing!!!” she cried, grabbing the front of my shirt instead, abandoning the gentle approach. “I know you’re hurt, but haven’t I always been there for you? He might have left you, but that gives you no excuse for you to leave me!!! Now tell me exactly why you did this!!”
“It was a lie.” I said in a strangled voice. She released me as I reached into my shirt for Noah’s blue heart. “He told me that he never lies.” Pulled the necklace off, tears rolling freely down my face as I did so. Held the heart in my glass-encrusted hand, letting blood run down the chain to spatter on the other hearts. “He lied to me.” I choked, “My only friend, he said he’d stay with me. And I know, I know it’s stupid to get so worked up… but I-” I hid my face in my hands, barely aware of the glass piercing my cheek. “I thought he meant forever. That’s what we promised. I know this is stupid.”
“Oh, honey…” Terra touched my hands gingerly, pulling them down to look at me. “It’s not stupid. You love him, and he broke your heart.” She looked meaningfully at the other hearts surrounding me. “It only makes sense that you would break all these hearts.”
She hugged me, and I cried silently, squeezing my eyes shut to hide the innocent gleams of the hearts.
Allowed her to get a first aid kit and remove the splinters of glass from my hand, whispering apologies the entire time.
“It’s okay, honey.” Terra would whisper every time.
She ordered me to sleep after rinsing and bandaging the many wounds I had inflicted on myself. “You might see things differently in the morning.” Terra held me, kissing me softly on the head. “I love you, don’t ever forget that.”
It’s hard to write after removing that broken heart.
47 Days, 11 January, Sunday
Terra was right, I did feel better in the morning. Not a lot better, but the stinging in my hand reminded me of how messed up I was last night. In comparison to that, I feel pretty good.
Greeted Terra properly in the morning, with a cheerful smile, and got to work on making some waffles.
It does feel better to look at things positively. The idea of him with his father, or outside and alone is terrifying, but I don’t want to be angry with him if he does decide to come back.
That almost sounds like I’ll automatically forgive him. I’m not going to. He broke my heart, and he’ll have to work to fix it.
But misdirected anger doesn’t help anything. Anger in general rarely does.
So I will be as happy as I can be, my normal self, because that’s all I can really ask for. My own happiness is up to me.
Guess I had to reach the deepest sadness to bounce back.
After all that though, I feel kind of crazy. I’ve never been the type to just freak out like that. Maybe the knowledge that I’m going to die in 47 days is weighing more heavily on me than I thought.
As most Sundays go, it was relaxing today, and Terra and I started watching a new show, another supernatural type one. Terra’s always liked these types of shows, maybe because she really believes in it.
She didn’t even stop to consider the fact that curses don’t exist. That’s one of her best qualities, I think, that she simply just believes. It simplifies a lot of explanations.
Hope he shows up to school tomorrow; we only have a few days left before exams start.
46 Days, 12 January, Monday
Beautiful. Tragic. Heartbreaker. Strong. Stoic. Broken. Brilliant. Bright.
Gone.
Noah disappeared.
Nobody has heard or seen from him since he last saw me on Tuesday. My mind jumped to horrible conclusions, wondering if he actually tried to kill himself. Ariel seemed to think the same thing, almost immediately turning red and suppressing tears in her eyes.
After English today, Mrs. Trumpeter held Julia, Ariel and I back, asking us seriously if we knew where he was. Apparently, his father was calling the school, in some charade of concern. He filed a missing person’s report as well.
We answered honestly, that we really didn’t know. Hated that it was the truth. Ever since I’ve known him, I’ve had a fairly good idea of his well-being, and his location, safe or not.
So it’s weird to not know.
But he wasn’t at the hospital, this much is certain at least. Dunno if that’s a good or bad thing.
45 Days, 13 January, Tuesday
Things have become really stressful lately. Wish it was Friday so I could look forward to a relaxing weeken
d to recover from exam stress, deathday stress, and the fact that Noah, by all accounts, is missing.
Julia and Ariel are really helping me keep it together right now. Friends really are the best support during times like this. To thank them for their friendship, I made a huge lunch for us all to eat together.
Included what I understood to be their favourites; a few mini loaves of banana bread for Ariel, and tuna salad with celery for Julia. Our time spent together today was largely comfortable, mostly because the topic of Noah’s whereabouts never came up in actual conversation. It was likely that we were all thinking about him, but not saying anything for fear of the uncomfortable tension that accompanied that mystery.
Terra doesn’t talk about him anymore either. She’s locked his room. Only know that because I tried to go in today, and found the knob immobile.
Was going to just go in there and… Dunno, just confirm he was ever here maybe.
44 Days, 14 January, Wednesday
Got called to the office today, to pick up a letter addressed to me. It was on familiar ivory stationery, sealed with a silver rose sticker.
(Now that I think about it, Noah always kept that stationery in his binder.)
Dear Aerie,
You will not see me again. I am sorry, but I simply cannot allow you to ever be tainted by my father. I cannot see any other alternative than to disappear. Don’t try to find me.
Noah
He’d crossed out his whole letter, and continued another below it.
It had never been my intention to have to leave you in person. I am so sorry for what I’ve done. Please understand I believe there is no other option. I cannot allow you to be a part of my life any longer. This may seem foolhardy, but I cannot let you be hurt. However, I do realise that in leaving, I have hurt you. Forget me. Forget everything about me. I request that you leave me in the past, do not keep me in memory. You won’t see me again.
I’m sorry,
Noah
There were smudges in the ink towards the end of it, like it was getting wet while he wrote. The way it was written, though, it almost feels like a suicide note. Apparently, it was left in the office, and the secretary discovered it under a stack of papers. Since it was addressed to me on the front, they delivered it without question. I was reading it in English today, and Mrs. Trumpeter noticed the handwriting.
“Aerian! Is that a letter from Noah? Has he been writing to you since he’s gone missing?”
Looked at the letter, studying the fine lines of his name. “No. He left this in the office the day he disappeared.”
Mrs. Trumpeter looked sympathetic, “Are you alright dear? I know this must be very difficult for you.”
“The uncertainty of it is what’s difficult.” Continued staring at his name, and the apology above it. “This makes it sound like he…”
“What, dear?”
“The way he wrote it, it sounds like he was going to kill himself.”
She gasped, and placed her hand over her mouth, her eyes fixed on the letter. “Are you certain?”
“He says that I’ll never see him again.”
Mrs. Trumpeter said something after that, and I sort of numbly nodded. The 3:30 bell rang, and I silently left, holding the letter in my hand all the way home.
You won’t see me again.
43 Days, 15 January, Thursday
How am I supposed to regain some kind of normality? The worst part of this whole thing is the uncertainty. There was no closure, not really. He just left.
The letter didn’t help. It only made it worse.
Did decide to go look for him this weekend though. If anything, it’ll make me feel like I’m actually doing something constructive.
He’d say “A short, blunt human pyramid.” And then smile.
Inside joke, I guess.
Tomorrow after school, I’m going to walk around town, and just see if there’s any sign of him at all.
Need something more concrete from him than letters and words.
42 Days, 16 January, Friday
Think fate likes me.
Found Noah today, but couldn’t even get close to him.
As I was walking down one of the alleys in the seedier part of town, I saw him shuffling towards me. I froze, staring, momentarily unsure if it was even him. He looked terrible, even an alley’s length away. There was a brown blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and a mouldy looking toque on his head. His skin was as pale as the snow falling down around him, shadowed by smudges of dirt. The way he walked was sort of slow, with regular breaths puffing out of his mouth with each step. By all accounts, he looked very much like someone who’d been living on the street for weeks.
Noah bent down, picked something up, and put it in his pocket, before continuing on. As he got nearer to me, I could see his eyes widen, and he threw the blanket off, tearing down the alley in the opposite direction.
Obviously, I chased him, but he was way faster than me. Remember that from a long time ago. He should be an Olympic sprinter or something.
Could follow his footsteps though, which really helped. There were other people staring as I ran by, could feel their gazes on me. No doubt they watched him go by too, and a chase scene is always exciting.
My heart thrummed with excitement. At least he’s alive, at least he’s alive. Kept repeating that as I thundered through the snow after him.
He’s running away, but at least he’s alive.
Eventually, the alleyway opened up onto the street, and his footsteps became lost in the many others. I looked around wildly for him, and then I saw…
A man was holding his arm, and leading him down the sidewalk. The man was huge, and in an expensive-looking suit and coat. Noah may be fast, but I don’t think there’s any way he’s getting out of that man’s gorilla grip.
Called his name and ran towards him, which now doesn’t seem like the best idea.
Noah looked around, a blush rising in his sallow face. Could easily read his lips; it was something I’d seen countless times before.
“I’m sorry.”
The gorilla-looking man looked around too, and glowered at me. At least there were other people nearby, so he didn’t say anything. Have a feeling his voice would be growly and terrifying.
Noah reached into his pocket, and dropped something red on the ground, before a fancy-looking car pulled up, and the gorilla man and he got inside. The car drove past me, and I could see his thin hand pressed against the glass of the window.
So he’s safe now, presumably. Can only imagine the gorilla man was some kind of government guy or something. Guess I chased him right to that guy; gorilla-man must’ve been searching for him too.
When I went to see what he dropped, I found a clear plastic red heart in the snow. Picked it up, inwardly smiling as I realised exactly what that meant. Something I’d never thought of until just now.
He never gave back the heart I had given him.
He always kept it.
Thought he lied to me, but he didn’t. You have no idea the relief I feel right now.
Somehow, I just know that everything is going to be okay now. No matter what happens. Know my heart and soul will be safe in his possession.
Finally feel happy again.
He’s alive, and that’s all I can really ask for.
Tried my best to fix the heart I broke, but glue stuck to all the seams, and looked terrible. Not to mention, a lot of the pieces were missing. Opted to put it in its own box in amongst the other hearts, placing the new one on the very top of the pile.
Guess the reminder of the broken heart will serve me well in the future.
Terra was happy to see me in good spirits, and we had one of the nicest evenings for a long while.
Made a lovely dessert and we watched telly until pretty late.
41 Days, 17 January, Saturday
Good thing I had work today.
Actually got to talk to Noah today. But… he didn’t speak.
He came into the ho
spital, accompanied by his father. His father made a big show of being with Noah throughout his whole checkup, which it seemed most people bought as a ‘caring father routine’.
Noah was really ill, from the infection on his back that went untended for the past 10 days. (It’s hard to believe he’d been gone that long.) He was also really weak; it’s a wonder he could even run away from me yesterday. Adrenaline, I guess.
Terra wouldn’t allow me near him until his father left to deal with some paperwork and left him under the supervision of a couple nurses. Surreptitiously, I sat next to him, making sure he saw the glimmer of my blue heart.
From my seat next to him, I could feel the anxiety that gave him an unmistakable tension.
Noah looked at me, right in the eye, and then looked away, a crimson blush colouring his face.
Decided to just say everything I needed to say to him. “I do forgive you for trying to run away. I know what you intended to do. But you broke my heart, and it’s not going to be easily fixed.”
He looked wretched when I said that, resolutely staring at his hands.
“I love you, and I will forever and always, but you need to trust me more. You can’t run away from your problems, even if it is for noble reasons. You only wanted to protect me, I know. But I have to fight my own battles, and that includes fighting him.” He flinched when I emphasized there, “I know the idea of me ever confronting him is terrifying to you. So much so that you left me, and risked your own life.”
Grabbed Noah’s hands, making him look at me again.
“If he hurts you again, I’m going to confront him. You realise that, right? Anyone who tries to hurt you… I’ll deal with them. I’m going to protect you with everything I’ve got.” He closed his eyes, leaning forward and shaking his head. A few tears leaked from his eyes, running down his face. “And in return, you have to fix my heart. It’s still broken, and I think you’re the only one who can fix it. How bout it? Deal?”
Noah nodded, keeping his mouth firmly shut.
Looked up to see Terra giving me a ‘cut it out’ kind of gesture. Hastily, I released his hands, and stood up, only pausing to say ‘I love you’ again, before hurrying away. His father approached him, and escorted him out, wrapping his arm around Noah’s shoulders. It’s so weird to see how kind he can be when he’s acting. No wonder people have a hard time imagining him as an abusive man.