Love Disorder

by Yuriko Hime

  I thought of the things we needed to do. "After coloring your hair, we need to meet with the wardrobe crew to try the costumes and do more fitting." Last week they met with us and took her exact measurements. Today they'd do it more thoroughly I guess. "I have a question," I said. "Won't they get mad because you colored your hair already?"

  "If they don't like the hue, they can always change it later," she said, shrugging. "I need this for myself so I can imagine the part."

  "Okay." I placed the wet comb on the container and dumped it on her sink. "We're done. Let it stay for thirty minutes more. Then you can bathe and wash it off." I removed my gloves and put it in the bin.

  She grabbed my hand before I could leave. "Where are you going? You're just leaving me here?" She pouted. "Tell me a story first so I won't get bored. I don't want to walk around the house looking like this." She pointed to her hair which resembled a glob of blue. It made her look like a hot alien.

  I shut the lid of the toilet bowl and sat. "What story do you want to hear?" I asked.

  "Anything. . . How about your dreams?" My dreams? I glanced up while trying to remember what it was I dreamt about last night. Let's see, I was walking down the hallway of the house when I stopped in front of her door. She was at the bed when I came in. I vaguely remembered jumping on the bed and. . . My face turned hot. Blaze was looking at me intently when I glanced back at her. She grinned. "That bad huh?" I nodded. "If it makes you feel better, I think about it all the time. About ninety nine point nine percent."

  "What about the remaining point one?" I said with wide eyes.

  "I think about food." She turned her head away. "You can leave the bathroom if you like. I can't stand being around you when this is the topic. I'll lose my control and get imprisoned. Uno will kill me for sure." I jumped up and adjusted my jeans. It has become uncomfortable again. She noticed what I did in the mirror. "Go, go, go," she said, shooing me away. I made my quick escape to the kitchen to prepare our healthy lunch.

  By afternoon, she and I drove to the meeting place. It always surprised me that the crew didn't use fancy hotels. Meetings were almost always done in a discreet location in an unknown part of the city, away from the touristy destinations. Maybe that was better. It made for an easier travel. From time to time it couldn't be avoided that we'd encounter the paparazzi though. This was one of those instances.

  A camera flashed when we were walking in the side street on our way to the building. Upon looking at the right, I saw two men approaching. They kept clicking as they walked to us. The film staff promised us that nobody knew the location of the meeting place. Maybe some of the paparazzi caught wind of the street, but not the building itself.

  "Here we go," Blaze said to me. She was careful not to come too close to me though I knew she wanted to. Blaze had no problems telling the world that she was gay. I, on the other hand, told her strictly that it wasn't a good idea for now. If she fed people's fantasies more and more, they'd keep prying, and if they continued to do so, her condition would eventually be revealed. It would hinder everything we were working for.

  "Smile," I said to her. "We've talked about this. Be better than Bianca."

  "Can I get a kiss from you after?"

  "Don't fool around," I murmured. The camera flashed. I heard her exhale discreetly before she smiled widely at the people who were taking her photograph. "Nice," I said.

  "Uno," one of the photographers said when they were near enough. "Where are you going? You're having a shoot for your film soon right? Can we grab a quick interview?" He was asking so much without giving her enough time to answer. Then he'd get mad and tell everyone that she was snob. I've studied the likes of him through mom's notes. Thankfully she was wise enough to scribble her thoughts about the paparazzi on her notebooks.

  "We're going to a meeting," I answered for Blaze with a smile.

  "Oh really? Who are you?" he asked.

  "She's my manager," Blaze said. She stopped. "Look boys, I know you're doing your job, and I really need to be at the meeting too." She glanced at her watch. "But I'll give you time to snap a photo so we can both go on our way. Deal?"

  The photographers seemed surprised but satisfied by her offer. "Sure!" they said. Blaze gave them enough time to photograph her candidly while walking. In one picture, it appeared that she was fixing her beanie without looking at the camera, making it seem genuine. I made her wear a beanie so no one would notice her new hair. After five minutes, everybody was happy and smiling. The two photographers shook her hand. "Pleasure seeing you today," one said.

  "See?" I said as they walked away. "Easy right?"

  "Not everyone is like that."

  "I know, but it's worth a shot." She smirked at my pun, and we continued on our way.

  I've been with her for months, yet it was still amusing to see someone stutter when they see either Blaze or Uno. The front desk people. The guards. Everyone who recognized her in the street. In the minimal amount of time we spent outside the house, everyone who saw her knew her and wanted to take a picture with her. The film staff were also guilty of this when she first walked in today, but after the initial embarrassment of, "Oh I'm a big fan of yours," or, "My daughter or son is crazy for you," we eventually got down to business.

  The movie wouldn't be complete without Bianca. We were prone to run into her, especially now that they were in the same movie. She was in one of the provided rooms for us, waiting for her turn to be called by the crew for fitting. "Pleasure to see you guys again," she said when we got settled on our chairs.

  "Who wouldn't be pleased to see me?" Blaze said. She laughed easily as she leaned back.

  "You got really lucky to get that part," Bianca said nicely, sugarcoating the insult underneath.

  "Thank you. You must be my fan."

  I twisted Blaze's roller chair so she would face me. "Don't," I murmured to her. "You'll piss her off."

  Someone opened the door before Blaze could defend herself. One of the wardrobe crew we talked to earlier was all smiles as she said, "Uno and Bianca, you can follow me now to try the uniforms."

  I went with them to another bigger room where most of the wardrobe people were staying. They had several clothes rack on the corner. There were also three tables that displayed some weapons. The movie they were doing was about an academy where strange things happened. It had everything on it- from action to suspense, to drama and love. I took a knife from the table and studied it carefully. It was lighter than an actual knife but looked realistic.

  "Careful," a crew said. "Some props staff dropped by to store their samples here in the meantime, while they're setting up their warehouse." The crew nudged his chin to the knife I'm holding. "About one or two of those are the real thing." I quickly placed the knife back on the table.

  The head of the wardrobe team, a short and plump woman who looked way too motherly, fussed over Bianca and Blaze. "That's not the final product," she said, handing their sets of uniforms. "It's a test sample. See if it matches your size so we can redo it." She pointed to the corner where a screen partition was located. "Bianca, why don't you use that space to change? Uno, you can wear yours in the room you came from. Let's re-meet here so we can see the result."

  I took the other set of uniforms that the woman offered and walked back to the room with Blaze. "I'm glad you're used to everyone calling you Uno," I said as I sat on the chair.

  "I don't get mad by it anymore. The only person that matters is you, and as long as you call me by my name, I can roll with the others." She twisted around and faced me. Blaze's eyes gleamed. I didn't realize what she was up to until she started removing her shirt while I was looking. My mouth fell open as she exposed herself to me and tossed the shirt on the chair. "I always like clothes fitting," she said, unbuttoning her jeans. "You like it too?"

  I gulped as my eyes traveled from her face to her well-rounded chest. Though it was covered by her red bra, I saw the hardening behind it. I regretted staring at it too long. It made me sweat all over and un
comfortably damp in some places. I turned away.

  I saw Blaze remove her jeans from the corner of my eyes. I desperately thought of a conversation starter that could make me focus on other things. "So," I said. "You're not guilty about Bianca anymore?"

  "Why should I be guilty when I never hurt her? I was so shocked when I saw her lying on the ground on the day of the concert that I must have blacked out." Then Uno came for her, I thought. Blaze walked sexily to me. Though I wasn't looking directly at her, I could see the outline of her hips as it swayed. She stopped mere inches from where I was. "Have you ever touched yourself while thinking of me?" she said in a low voice.

  I gasped and turned to her. She licked her lips. I kept my hands glued to my legs. It was the only thing keeping me from doing something we'd both regret. "Now is not the time for this," I said huskily. "They're waiting for you."

  She didn't appear to care as she leaned to me. Her curves and cleavage were ready for my taking, but I couldn't just ravish it without suffering the consequences. "Why don't you answer the question? Come on Riri, tell me."

  I breathed out, considering. She continued to study me unblinkingly. My resolve vanished. "Yes I did," I confessed. "Many times. Too many to count."

  She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "So have I." I tried not to fall and die. Her eyes fluttered open. "Your age won't protect you much longer from me. I promise you that." She moved away and turned around. "I smell your arousal all the way from here." I couldn't take it any longer. I bolted from the chair and sought the solace of the nearby bathroom. She was chuckling when I closed the door behind me.

  After collecting myself, I went to the wardrobe room and found Bianca and Blaze wearing their uniforms. Blaze's fitted her nicely, but the head person for the costumes was slightly dissatisfied with Bianca's because the sleeves were too long. The head made some notes on a paper. I stood in one corner as they were doing their thing.

  While Blaze was talking to the head person, Bianca went to the weapon props and chose from the knives. She took one and turned to me as she played with it. "I was trained to handle weapons like this for another movie," she said to me.

  I shrugged and said, "Good for you then."

  She showed me cool tricks by tossing the knife in the air and catching it again on its handle. I would nod whenever she turned to me so she would know that I was slightly amazed by it. "Here, catch!" she suddenly said. I was caught by surprise and wasn't able to prepare myself to get it. The tip of the knife grazed my arm. I yelped as I realized that it wasn't a prop but the real thing when it stung horribly. Droplets of blood oozed out.

  Blaze rushed to my side. "What happened?!" she said.

  Bianca looked concerned. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." She touched her chest. "I didn't know it was a real knife."

  Blaze gnashed her teeth. Things would turn ugly if I didn't control her. "It's nothing," I lied. "It doesn't hurt."

  "But—"

  "It's okay. Let's wash the blood off," I consoled. I caught Bianca hiding her smirk as we went to the door. The stunned crew didn't see it. Only I did.

  "Fuck!" Blaze yelled, once we were in the unoccupied bathroom. "Fuck!" I winced when her grip on my arm tightened as we washed the wound. "Sorry," she said.

  "Calm down Blaze. Breathe." She stared at me in the mirror. Her eyes were full of turmoil. She could vanish any moment. Though I wanted to see Uno, I didn't want Blaze apart of me anytime soon. I placed my trembling hand on her cheek. "Please," I whispered. "Stay with me. Stay with me Blaze. Calm down."

  She nodded and took a shaky breath. Blaze settled her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes. "I love you. Do you realize that?" she said. "Even though it's hard. Even though I can't control it. This time I'm not going anywhere but here."

  The ache and bitterness in my heart disappeared. "I love you too," I murmured.

  Chapter 25. Coming Of Age

  Patients with DID were not the only victims of the condition. The ones they came in contact with, especially the people who loved them, were also casualties in the war waged because of their inner mayhem. This realization would hit me like a speeding bullet whenever Uno or Blaze disappeared and an alter personality came out. I was affected emotionally too. I needed to be strong. After all, in essence, it was still her. Just her. Whatever she wanted to be.

  Blaze hasn't left my side since the day I begged her to stay. Though she was seething mad with Bianca and wished to punish her through Uno, Blaze held on to her promise. Since then, she would often close her eyes to meditate, or be careful not to be upset. The selfish part of me wanted her as much as I craved to talk to Uno.

  The day before my birthday, Blaze and I were in the living room, practicing for the movie. She'd run some lines to me, while I held on to the script and would answer her from time to time with other lines so there was continuity. We were careful not to go to her room or even touch during practice. The electricity between us were so charged that if our skin made contact, we would explode.

  "Our ears are powerful enough to hear the sounds from the human body when the external noise is filtered. Right now, you're hearing the sound of your blood flowing. And who knows? Maybe because I'm the one holding the shell against your ear, you can hear my heart throbbing for you too," she whispered. Blaze was in character. Her facial expressions were so convincing that I sucked in my breath out of admiration. She scowled when she glanced at me.

  "Did I make you lose your concentration?" I asked guiltily, placing the script on my legs. Though Blaze was a good actress, there were times when I'd do something to make her laugh whenever we were practicing. It was really a mood killer.

  She shook her head. "No, actually the next part is where I should kiss you. But since we can't do that." She shrugged.

  "Oh. Wait, you'll kiss someone for the movie?" I hurriedly skimmed through the script to see what part that was. Place shell against the other character's ear. Lines. Lines. I frowned and glanced at her. "There's no kissing part here."

  "In the book there was." She tried to keep a straight face. "I guess they omitted it for the movie. Can't blame me for wanting to try." I rolled the script and threatened to hit her. She burst out laughing. "On a serious note," she said. "What do you want to do for your birthday tomorrow? Dinner on a yacht? Booking an exclusive restaurant in the highest tower in Los Angeles? Watching a private concert with a popular band? I can do anything for you."

  "Those things sound amazing, but I have to decline." I unrolled the script and focused on the words. It didn't make much sense at this period. "If I was into those then I would have begged my mom to do it for me when she was still alive," I said.

  She touched my hand. "I know," she murmured. "Maybe I just want to impress you."

  I smirked. "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. Regarding your question for my birthday, just spending time with you is more than enough. Who needs a band, a fancy dinner, and a yacht when you have an international superstar by your side, right?"

  She puffed her chest proudly and nodded. "You're one lucky girl Riri Chance," she boasted. That I was.

  After our flirting and jesting, Blaze and I set out to practice again. It was important for her to know the lines and scenes by heart. The talent agent gave me a huge tip. She said that big productions like what Blaze would be in had a different rehearsal than other lower budget films or theatre. Four stages were typically involved- blocking, light configuration, camera rehearsals, adjustments, until finally, the shooting stage. Acting workshops were done before. No actor should go to the rehearsal without being prepared.

  Because the day of the blocking was soon, we were practicing double time for the movie. It could go for hours at a time, just us running lines. Sometimes Blaze would tell me that she needed internalization, in which I'd be happy to hide in my workshop, doing my own passion. But I always made her take a break. A weary Blaze wouldn't end up well.

  "What happened during your past movies?" I asked Blaze one time. "What did you do when Uno came out when you were s
uper stressed?"

  "That never happened while the cameras were rolling," she answered thoughtfully. "Because I love what I do, I can't give it up to her that easily. But there were dozens of instances when we'd switch during rest period. Your mom, being my manager at the time, recounted that Uno was confused to find herself in the set. Luckily, she was super brainy and was able to pick up where I left off. We switched again the same night."

  Mom did her best with Blaze and Uno, I thought as I went to my workshop. She treated them like her own child, like me. I opened the door and glanced around the room. It was somewhere in-between messy and neat. An organized chaos, I'd like to call it. The desk part was pristine, while the sewing machine and the immediate area were filled with pieces of cloth.

  I slid to my chair and checked my emails. The client that was interested in using my designs for his new company messaged again. I clicked on it and read. Greetings Miss Chance, he said. I was able to rent a warehouse to conduct my business. Your designs will be used for the clothing line that we will start producing here. I felt proud of myself as I took in the message. Obviously, the owner liked my work enough to showcase it for his startup. He was also interested in meeting me one of these days. I sent him a quick reply and got to work.

  The day quickly turned to afternoon, and then afternoon to night. Time was strangely fast when I was engrossed in my work. That night as I went to bed, I glanced at my right arm and noticed the white bandage wrapped around it. Blaze would carefully change it twice a day for me. She was so sweet and caring. Why was it that bad things happened to good people like me and her? Surely we deserved better than that. Those were my thoughts as I went to sleep.

  For some unknown reason, my eyes snapped open. I glanced at the clock on my bedside and saw that it was ten minutes before midnight. I sat and stretched. It felt like this has happened before. The sense of déjà vu was replaced with tension as I realized that Blaze might be in trouble again. She needed me.

  I bolted from the bed and opened the door wide. It was baffling to see that the previously vacated hallway was full of leaves- greenish, reddish, all manners and colors of leaves were scattered on the floor. I stooped down to pick one. "It's not a real leaf," I murmured under my breath. It was made with thin cloth to resemble one. What was going on?