by Larsen, K
“Good for you Manny.” He sets the tray down, hands me my pills, we cheers our cups and I swallow down my salvation. The sleeping pill is the only reason I sleep lately.
“Night ElleBell.” He waves.
“Night.” He shuts the door behind him when it hits me. Escape. All I have to do is escape.
For the next six nights I place my pills under my tongue, swallow my water and when Manny leaves I take the sleeping pills and stash them in my pillowcase, careful to relocate them on laundry day. On the third day I nicely ask Dr. Rand for a copy of the list that we’ve made thus far. After assuring him and Rachel that I won't off myself with paper cuts they let me keep the photocopied piece of paper taped to my wall. On the fourth day I manage to sneak a plastic bag from the trashcan at the nurses’ station into my room. After Manny leaves the sixth night I take all the pills from the pillowcase, put them into the plastic baggy and crush them into a fine white powder using one of my crutches that I no longer need.
It’s Friday, the seventh day. I’m sitting on my bed as always when Manny enters carrying the tray of cups and pills. When he reaches the side of the bed he sets the tray on the sliding table between us, pulls the pills and our two white cups of water off the tray and sets them aside.
“Hey buttercup. How’s things?” He asks. I feel like shit for what I’m about to do. I really like Manny.
“Things are status quo.” I tell him. He smiles at me, picks up my pills and reaches out to hand them to me.
“Ahh. I think there’s a mistake.” I never complain so he stops short. “Dr. Rand and I are working on my sleep cycle and were going to try a week with no sleeping pills. I think I’m supposed to be on multivitamin only tonight.” I say trying to keep my eyes from darting all over the room.
“Huh? I didn't see anything about that.” He says.
“Would you mind checking? Please? If I don't comply with the good doctor I end up in here longer.” I plead.
“Sure thing sugar.” He smiles, picks up the tray, leaving our two waters and my pills sitting on the table and walks out of the room. I quickly tag the plastic baggy from under my pillow and empty the contents into the water cup that he will use. I swish my finger around in it to try and make it dissolve faster. I yank my finger out and try to dry quickly on the leg of my pajama pants. The knob clicks and Manny walks in.
“Sorry Elle, he must have forgotten to make a note. You’ll have to take it tonight. I’ll write a note in your chart telling Dr. Rand so you don't get in trouble.” He smiles at me.
“Ok. Thanks Manny. So, did you win last night?” I ask putting the pills in my mouth.
“You know it!” He excites. We pick up our cups, cheers them and with smiles on our faces drink our water shots.
“Night sugar.” We wave goodbye and he leaves. I dart to the bathroom and spit the pills into the toilet before peeing and flushing. Now for the hard part; waiting.
I wait an hour. I pace around my room frantically trying to figure out how exactly to explain all this when the time comes. My heart feels like it might explode out of my chest. At ten pm I crack my door and peer over to the nurses’ station. Manny’s head is on the desk, his body slumped over. The rise and fall of his ribs slow and steady. Sleeping.
The list! I can't forget the list. I rip it from the wall fold it up and stuff it in my sports bra. My heart is beating wildly in my chest. I feel frantic and I’m starting to sweat. I pull on my hoodie sans hood strings of course, slip my feet into my lace less Keds and make my way to Manny’s sleeping form.
It’s eerily quiet in the corridor right now. Just the faint hum of the ice machine and various beeps and buzzes from patients rooms. I quietly sneak around the nurses’ station desk and crouch down to Manny. I’m so sorry. I really do like you. Please forgive me. I tug his wallet out of his back pocket and remove all the cash. A hundred dollars will be plenty to tide me over until the morning. I stuff the cash in my sports bra. I unclip Manny’s employee badge from the front of his shirt, toss the wallet on the desk next to his head and quickly walk down the hall.
Every noise, every beep, every voice makes me panic and stop moving. I press myself into the wall until I’m sure it’s nothing. This is crazy Elle. What are you doing? I silently scold myself. When I’m sure the coast is clear I walk to the main doors of our floor and hold Manny’s badge up to the magnetic reader. A slight click alerts me that all I have to do is push the door in front of me and I’m as good as free. My hand shakes as I raise it up to the door. It feels heavy and like someone else’s arm. With my palm on the door I lean into my arm slightly until it opens just enough for me to slip through.
I try to walk as inconspicuously as possible to the elevators and punch the down button. There is no one in the hallways except a few passing laundry aids who pay me no mind. The fact that I’m wearing scrubs, a hoodie and white sneakers is probably my only saving grace. I blend in pretty well. The elevator dings and the doors open. I put one foot in front of the other until I’m safely inside before hitting the lobby button. My skin feels like it’s on fire. My breath is quick and shallow and my heart is beating so fiercely in my rib cage that I’m afraid it might crack bone.
The elevator dings and the doors slide open. I step out of the metal box turn left and keeping my head down head for the glass front doors. The fifty foot walk seems to take forever. There is a woman sitting behind the information desk who’s watching me. I tilt my head up and smile at her. She smiles back. The revolving doors close around me as I step into their spin and then I’m out.
It’s the end of July or the first week of August. I’m not sure which. It’s muggy and damp and hot out. The humidity assaults my lungs when I try to inhale. It’s definitely too hot for a sweatshirt but I only have a sports bra on underneath it. I keep walking further and further away from the hospital until I’m sure that if someone looked out a window they wouldn't see me. I walk into the nearest convenience store to buy a pack of gum and a bottle of water. The air conditioning in the store feels heavenly. I’m dripping with sweat from my walk here and nerves.
I did it. A wave of relief washes over me leaving me temporarily giddy. When I exit the store I notice a few taxi’s parked waiting across the street. I make my way over to them. “Could you take me to a cheap hotel?” I ask through the open window to the cabby.
“How cheap?”
“Dirt cheap.” I reply. He nods his head at me and I open the back door and climb in. He drives four blocks before pulling up in front of a dilapidated brick building. “They rent by the hour.” He informs me. I didn't mean this cheap but honestly it will do. I hand him a ten dollar bill and get out of the car. When I finally check in, paying for one night, I’m left with fifty two dollars and change. The cab ride to my house from here will be at least thirty dollars. I lay down on top of the blankets full clothed and stare at the chipping ceiling. Jenny, we did it. I’m out. Almost free. Stay with me. An hour later I fall asleep.
I wake with a start. I’m groggy and can't remember where I am. It’s disorienting. When my brain catches up with me I let out a squeal of joy. This is the dirty, cheap hotel. I am not in my sterile white room at St. Francis. I escaped.
2012
August
At eight I check out and flag down a cab. “303 Westerly Rd.” I tell him. The drive takes us twenty minutes outside the city. The closer we get the more my palms sweat. He better be at work. I keep having hot flashes and my stomach rolls with each mile closer we get. When we finally pull up onto my street I’m a ball of nerves and anxiety ridden. What if he’s home, then what? As we pass my house relief washes over me. His car isn't there. I instruct the cab driver to pull over two houses down and to wait for me to come back. I pull the door handle and swing the door open. Mrs. Potter is watering the flowers in her front yard. I give a wave and walk down the sidewalk to my house.
I don't bother trying the door. It will be locked. I grew up in this house though and know all the easy ways to get around a locked door
. I pull the screen from the casement window and pull the edge of the window until I can reach my arm in far enough to crank it open the rest of the way. After I slip inside the guest room I stand by the door and wait. It’s dusty and clean in here because we never have guests. If I do this, really do this, everything changes forever. I turn the knob and step into the hall. My legs are shaking badly and it takes all my effort to suck breaths in and out of my lungs.
Upstairs I change into a summer dress and ditch the Keds in the back of the closet as I grab a pair of sandals. I throw a handfuls of summer clothes, shoes and other necessities into my suitcase. There’s a bra that doesn’t belong to me on the floor next to the bed. The sight of it makes my stomach roll but I push on. When I feel I’ve got everything I’ll need for the time being I zip it shut and carry it to the desk downstairs. Setting the suitcase to the side I start to dig through the side drawer of my desk. When I locate my passport and checkbook I toss them into the front pocket of my bag.
Turning to scan the living room I notice we already have a new giant flat screen TV hanging on the wall complemented by a new stereo system sitting shelved under it. Ryan’s been busy, that’s probably not the only new purchase. The house is a wreck. Beer bottles, discarded clothes and empty take out containers are strewn everywhere. My instinct is to pick it all up quickly before leaving. I shove the feeling away though. He can’t know I was here and I don’t owe him anything.
I take a deep breath, curl my fingers around the handle of the suitcase and leave through the back door making sure to lock the handle again before shutting it. With my suitcase rolling behind me I walk back to the cab. “First National bank on Pleasant St. please.” I tell him.
Entering the bank makes me nervous. People know me here. They knew my parents and my sister and now probably know Ryan. I sit in a chair, suitcase next to me and wait for a representative to come out. “Hi Mrs. Darling, what can we do for you today?” A man whose name tag reads Robert greets me.
“I need to make a large withdrawal.” I follow him to his desk and sit.
“That’s a hefty sum to walk around with.” He states as he looks over my account on his monitor.
“Yes, I’m aware, but it needs to be done. Leave three thousand in the account.” I hand him my passport and check book as proof of identification and he gets started.
By the time he’s finished the manager has joined us and is asking questions that are starting to alarm me.
“Is everything alright Mrs. Darling? We don't generally advise customers to walk out of the bank with a hundred thousand dollars.” The manager says as he eyes me suspiciously.
“Everything is fine thank you. If we could be quick about this I’d appreciate it.” Thirty minutes later I exit the bank with a large deposit bag full of cash zipped inside my suitcase. The cab the bank called for me is waiting at the door.
“Bus station please.” I tell the driver as I close the door.
I’m standing in line at the ticket counter trying to decide where to go. Just as I take my place at the window I decide on a little seaside town about three hours south of here. “One ticket to Searsport please.”
“Round trip?”
“One way.”
“That’s thirty three dollars.” He says. I had him a fifty and wait for my change and the ticket.
The bus doesn't leave for an hour so I’m stuck sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area. My knee bounces uncontrollably as I wait. I grab a bag of chips from the vending machine, the TV hanging in the corner is set to the local news station. Across the bottom the news ticker scrolls updated news stories. Local woman; Elle Darling, escaped St. Francis Hospital last night. If seen call 843-543-5555. A picture of me from Jenny’s funeral flashes across the screen. My face is gaunt and lifeless in the picture. I look around the waiting area but all eyes are on books, magazines, or travel companions. I sit back down keeping my eyes on the floor. I need to be on that bus.
If anyone on the bus recognizes me no one says anything. I sit at the back using my suitcase to keep the seat next to me vacant. The three hour bus ride is boring and mostly highway with the occasional glimpse of the ocean. Every time someone gets up and walks to the bathroom I think they’re coming for me. That they recognize me for the news. Damn Ryan for putting a picture of me up.
I walk away from the bus dragging my suitcase behind me and head straight for the line of cabs out front. I hop in the first available one keeping my suitcase with me in the backseat. Searsport is a decent sized city on the water. The small downtown district is charming, lined with shops and offices. The cabby lets me off at Jowett and Cutler’s law firm. I walk through the glass double doors into the lobby.
“Hi” I greet the receptionist.
“Hello. How can I help you today?” She smiles.
“I need to make an appointment with one of the attorney’s .” I tell her.
“Ok.” She hits a few keys on the keyboard as I wait. “The first available appointment I have is Tuesday at one. Will that work?” She asks.
“Perfect.”
“Your name?”
“Jenny Parks.” I say. I know it’s a lie but I don't want my name to spark any recognition until I can meet with the lawyer.
“Ok Jenny, I just need your contact information and then we’ll be set.”
I falter for a moment. “I ah, I don't have a cell phone or a place to stay just yet.” I shuffle my feet nervously.
“I could recommend a hotel for you. As long as we can contact you at the hotel that should be fine.” She says.
“That would be wonderful.” Half an hour later I have a beach front cottage at the Waterford Inn for the month.
“When you get there, you’ll need to pay and change the reservation to just your name.” The receptionist informs me.
“Thank you.”
I exit the office wheeling my suitcase behind me. It’s a beautiful sunny day. The air smells like the saltwater. I glance over the directions to the Inn again and start walking. Two blocks down is a CVS. I buy myself a box of ‘Mahogany’ hair dye before continuing on to the Inn.
Once I check in and settle into my tiny one room cottage I open the box of hair dye in the bathroom and get to work coloring my honey blonde hair. Thirty minutes later I am officially a brunette. The color works on me. It doesn't look unnatural and it actually makes my eyes pop more. Maybe I’ll keep it for a while.
The cottage is quaint. It’s one great room with a small galley type kitchen that runs along one wall. The rest of the room is open. There is a dining nook to the side of the kitchen and then it’s all living room. There’s a comfortable looking couch and two armchairs that face glass French doors that swing out to a small deck that has a view of the ocean. Stairs off the deck lead down to a small patch of grass and just beyond that there’s a path through the dunes leading to the beach. I already adore it. The bedroom is maybe ten by ten and houses a single full sized bed and one dresser. The bathroom is off the bedroom and simply has a shower, sink and toilet. It’s all that I’ll need. If I open the bedroom window I can hear the tide crashing against the sand. It’s peaceful.
A few hours later I venture out to the little Main drag and buy myself a new prepaid cell phone, a radio and a used kindle. For the next three days I sit on the beach or my deck and I read and listen to music in peace and sunshine. It feels good to be alone. It feels good to exist for me only. And each morning when I wake up I feel a little more whole. At night I bask in the glory of concocting meals for myself and experimenting with ingredients. I’ll be honest some of them are terrible and I end up eating a bowl of cereal instead. But with my little radio wafting music into the open space and me free to do and try as I please I experience joy for the first time in a long time.
Jenny can you see me? Can you see my happiness? I want you to know how content I feel right now. I want you to know you were right. I could, and I did do it. I wish you were here with me.
PRESENT
DAY 16
Dinner with Jenna was a blast. Blitz might be my new favorite place. We gossiped about her and Ben’s fledgling relationship, had an amazing dinner and drank too many martinis. Ben, John and Colin had a boys night but by ten Colin and Ben were blowing up our phones wanting to meet up so we all got together at The Lounge, a new club Jenna had wanted to check out. After a night of dancing our butts off and a drunken walk back to the cottage Colin and I had collapsed into bed immediately falling asleep.
After a late breakfast and an even later training session at the gym Colin surprises me by telling me that he took it upon himself to sign us up for a private ballroom dance lesson. I’m so excited I can hardly contain my glee. At his command we dress up and he takes me out to dinner before our lesson making a special date night out of it.
My heels echo on the hardwood floor of the empty dance studio. The old mill makes a beautiful place for a studio. Floor to ceiling windows run along one wall and the other wall is all mirror. From a door at the opposite end a short man walks out.
“You must be Colin!” He claps his hands together as he makes his way to us.
“Yes, nice to meet you.” Colin returns.
“Who’s this lovely thing you brought with you?”
“Hi. I’m Elle.”
“Larry, nice to meet you, aren't you lucky to be with this tall drink of water.” He winks at me. Colin shuffles his feet nervously before Larry pulls a nip out of his back pocket.
“I find that the men usually need a shot to loosen up.”