by E. L. Todd
“Are you?”
“Maybe you should find out for yourself.” He moved his hands as he got into the music, and I was surprised he could loosen up so well. When he wasn’t being stiff, he was actually a lot of fun.
“Well, I know that isn’t true because I’m a much better dancer than a lover.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true.” My filter was off because I’d had way too much to drink. “Maybe that was why Drew was getting around.” Now it was easy to talk about it because I was over what happened. It didn’t sting anymore.
“Shut up.” He pulled me closer to him as we kept dancing. “That’s not true. I know for a fact it’s not true.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I’ve kissed you. Believe me, I didn’t want to stop. The only reason why I did was because I knew you didn’t really want it. But if you did…nothing would have stopped me from having you.”
“But I was out of my mind at the time… I don’t normally kiss like that.”
“So you only do that with me?” he asked quietly.
“I don’t know…” I wasn’t sure what I was saying anymore. I pulled away from him and started dancing again, trying not to think about anything with too much detail. If I did, I would just get confused.
And I was already confused.
***
We sat together in the back seat while his mom drove back to New York. I was still drunk from all the wine and dancing. When we first got into the car, I was a little sweaty from moving around so much. But I was too tired to care about Volt noticing.
I rested my head on his shoulder while he kept his arm around me. We were snuggled close together, both exhausted and buzzed. I drifted in and out of sleep. Sometimes, the lights from passing cars burned through my eyelids and stirred me. But when the road was dark, I drifted off again. Volt ran his fingers through my hair gently, lulling me back to sleep whenever I was stirred awake.
His mom spoke from the front of the car at some point. “Where to, Volt?”
“My apartment,” he answered.
She continued driving for several minutes until we came to a stop. “Good night, baby.”
“Good night, Mom.”
I forced myself to wake up so I could say goodbye. “It was nice meeting you, Vivian. Thanks for the lift.”
“Anytime, sweetheart.” She turned around and gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
I was just about to step out of the car when Volt scooped me into his arms and lifted me out. “See you later.” He shut the door with his hip and walked to the entryway.
“You don’t need to carry me…” I was already drifting again, comfortable in his arms.
“It doesn’t seem like you want to walk,” he said with a chuckle.
“Well, I know you haven’t been to the gym lately, so I’m giving you a workout.”
“A workout?” he asked with a laugh. “You don’t weigh enough to be a workout.” He carried me into the building and then up to his apartment. Once we were inside, he immediately carried me into the bedroom.
I knew I shouldn’t be there because Sage had a problem with it. But I really didn’t want to walk home, and walking at that time of night when I was still drunk wasn’t the best idea anyway.
Volt stripped off his clothes until he was in his boxers before he slid into bed beside me. He spooned me from behind, hooking his arm around my waist and resting his forehead against the back of my neck.
I was so comfortable I dared not move. I was still in my dress, but I was too tired to take it off. His scent enveloped me, making me remember that night in a blur of images. The scruff from his chin brushed against my skin, somehow lulling me into a deep sleep I never wanted to wake from.
I wanted to stay there—forever.
Chapter Five
Volt
We didn’t wake up until one the next day.
Taylor’s body was wrapped tightly around mine. She was snuggling with me like I was her favorite teddy bear.
I loved seeing her wrapped around me like that. But I knew it was just a fleeting moment. She was there now, but when she woke up, she would leave like she always did. I continued to set myself up for failure, and just when I thought I couldn’t get hurt again, I did.
Taylor stretched her arms before she woke up. Her makeup was smeared, and her hair was a mess, but she rocked the look. The only thing missing was red and puckered lips.
And being naked.
“I hate being hung over…” She ran her hand up my chest without even realizing it.
“Yeah, it’s a bitch.” I grabbed two tablets of painkillers and handed them over.
She swallowed them dry. “Now I’m ready to go back to sleep.”
“Good plan.” The longer she was in my bed, the better.
“But I’m hungry…”
“You want the chef to make you something?”
“You don’t have to cook for me, Volt.”
“I don’t mind.” I never cooked for anyone else, but I’d cook for her. “I say we make some breakfast and watch football all day. No grooming and no clothes.”
“No clothes?” she asked with a laugh.
“I mean, no street clothes.” Or just no clothes in general.
“I can get down with that. This dress is the most uncomfortable thing in the world.”
“I have clothes for you.”
“That would be much appreciated.”
I grabbed a t-shirt and shorts for her to wear, and I pulled on sweatpants so she wouldn’t see my hard-on throughout the day. She’d already rubbed it so it probably wasn’t necessary, but I would feel more comfortable.
After we had breakfast, we sat on the couch together and watched football all day. This is what I usually did in the fall and winter, but I usually did it alone or with the guys. Never with a girl.
During every commercial, she pulled out her phone and played a game of Candy Crush. This time, she looked too tired, so she set her phone on the coffee table and closed her eyes.
I didn’t dare wake her up because she looked too peaceful. She lounged on my couch, looking like a tiny person in my baggy clothes. It was hard to remember a time when I didn’t feel this way about her. Before she walked into my heart, I would have started out my morning by saying goodbye to the lover who slept over. Then I would spend my day alone, doing whatever I wanted to do without thinking about anyone else.
And I liked it that way.
But now, everything was different. I wanted to spend all my time with her, and I wanted her to feel the same way about me. It was frustrating to want someone you couldn’t have. It was even more frustrating that I couldn’t tell her…even though I made a few comments here and there.
Her phone started to vibrate on the coffee table. The screen lit up, and a name appeared on the screen.
Sage.
Why wouldn’t this guy just disappear? Why did he have to be good-looking and dreamy? Why did he have to take my girl away?
I glanced at Taylor and noticed she was still asleep. Hopefully, she wouldn’t wake up.
Sage’s phone call ended, but his name was still on the screen.
I wanted to swipe it away, so she would never know he called.
It would be so easy to do.
She wouldn’t call him back and would spend the rest of the day with me.
All I had to do was swipe.
I checked to make sure she was still sleeping before I snatched the phone and held my thumb to the screen. I just wanted to swipe and hide the notification. She would only see it if she went to her missed calls.
Just do it.
I continued to hold the phone, unsure if I could actually go through with it. If I did, I would be the biggest asshole in the world. If she really liked this guy, I couldn’t sabotage their relationship. I could linger and hope for my chance to swoop in when they broke up, but I couldn’t purposely destroy what they had.
No, I couldn’t do that to her.
Despite how shitty it made me feel, I put the phone back.
And left the message untouched.
***
I held up the pie. “Hey, Mom.”
Instead of being happy to see me, like she always was, she looked disappointed. “Where’s Taylor?”
“She couldn’t make it.” Because I never asked her. She was probably out with that douchebag.
“Oh… I wanted your father to meet her.”
“He’ll get his chance.”
She just stared at me, totally void of emotion.
“Alright then…” I walked inside and didn’t wait for the hug I usually received from my mother. I set the pie on the counter then walked into the dining room. “Hey, Pop. Feeling better?”
“Lots better.” He stood up and hugged me, but he definitely looked different. He looked like he lost ten pounds of water. His neck was slender, and his face was hollow. “It’s so nice to eat solid food again.”
I sat across from him and helped myself to a glass of wine. The food was already set on the table. “Where’s Connor?”
“So, I heard you have a lady friend.”
Dad wasn’t as obsessed with the idea of marriage as Mom, but it was important to him. “Yeah. Her name is Taylor.”
“Your mother made it sound like she’s the most perfect woman who ever walked the earth.”
Pretty damn accurate. “She is.”
Dad chuckled. “I’m glad you found someone, and I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Thanks. I think you’ll like her.”
“I don’t need to like her since your mother already loves her.”
Mom joined us at the table and served our plates. Soon, we were eating quietly together. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Mom asked.
“I don’t have any plans,” I said. “I figured I would come over here.”
“Great,” Mom said. “Does that mean you’ll be bringing Taylor?” She didn’t bother playing it cool. Her desperation permeated the air like toxic gas.
“I’ll ask.” I cut into my chicken and ate quietly. “So, where’s Connor?”
“Couldn’t make it,” Dad said. “Had to work late.”
My brother and I weren’t very close even though we were similar in age. He worked as an attorney for a financial group in Manhattan. He was pretty big time. “Are you back at work, Dad?”
“Yeah,” he said. “And the work piled on my shoulders the second I walked in the door. You remember that new teacher I had? Well, the parents are totally fed up with her. There hasn’t been a single fieldtrip, her second exam was totally different than the first one and most of the kids got C’s. The kids say she’s too hard. And that’s saying something since these kids are brilliant.”
I stopped eating and felt my blood run cold.
“She’s being replaced after Christmas. I’m already holding interviews.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. “Dad, don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?”
“No.” He kept eating. “You should see the emails that hit my inbox every day. I shouldn’t have hired a new teacher. That was my fault, and I’m paying the price.”
I had to save Taylor. She was a good teacher in a bad situation. “Dad, don’t you think it would be worse for the kids if you replace a teacher halfway through the year?”
“Not if they aren’t learning anything,” he snapped.
“But they are learning,” I argued. “Maybe she’s trying a new teaching method.”
“Well, it’s clearly not working.” Dad sipped his wine while he stared at me. “Why do you care about this so much?”
I didn’t want them to know it was Taylor. It would ruin her image to my parents. She had to redeem herself first. That was the only way it would work out in her favor. Plus, if she knew the truth, she would throw in the towel altogether. She was giving everything she had, and if that wasn’t enough, she’d probably change careers. “Once upon a time, I was a new teacher. I needed some time to learn the ropes, but once I did, I was a great teacher. Instead of kicking her aside, nurture her. Help her. Have you even given her a warning?”
“Well…no.” Dad held the glass of wine in his hand.
“Maybe you should talk to her,” I suggested. “How is she supposed to fix anything if she doesn’t know there’s a problem? And stop giving the parents whatever they want. You guys are the teachers, not them.”
“I would agree with you if they weren’t paying so much money,” Dad said.
“Just give this teacher some time. And direction. Don’t just pull the plug when she doesn’t know there’s a problem.” That’s terrible communication, and even worse, it wasn’t very professional.
“Alright. Fine.”
At least I diverted that crisis.
“Anyway,” Dad said. “What’s new with you?”
A lot was new with me. But I couldn’t tell them about any of it.
***
I was going on empty at that point.
The situation with Taylor was just getting worse and worse with every passing week. I expected myself to pull away and slowly move on, but that didn’t happen. If anything, I held on tighter. She was my someone, the person I talked to about mushy crap.
But I couldn’t talk to her about this.
Derek and I had been best friends since the beginning of time, but we’d drifted apart lately. After I got my heart broken, I went to the extreme and closed out everyone—until Taylor softened me up again.
Maybe I should talk to him.
He assumed I had feelings for Taylor anyway. Everyone did. He would keep it a secret if I asked him to. I knew he would. So I decided to go for it. I texted him. Hey, man. What are you doing?
Just got home. What’s up?
Can I come by? I hadn’t hung out with him in a while, so it felt strange having this conversation.
Sure. See you soon.
I walked to his place and knocked on the door. He didn’t seem to think anything was different between us because he acted exactly the same as always. “Hey, asshole. You want a beer?”
“A big one, cunt.”
“Coming right up.” He snatched a bottle from the fridge and tossed it to me.
I twisted off the cap and flicked it on the coffee table before I sat on the couch.
He fell onto the other couch and immediately put his feet up. A baseball game was on, and the score didn’t favor the Yankees. “What’s new with you?”
We made small talk about work and life. He told me he hooked up with a few girls but none of them led to anything promising.
“What about you?” he asked.
This was the moment of truth. “I haven’t been with anyone lately.”
“Like, since yesterday?”
“Uh, no. More, like, in a month.”
He sat upright and gave me a hard expression. “Shit, you have HIV.”
That was the last thing I expected him to say. “Dude, no.”
“It’s okay. It’s a treatable disease now. It’s not the end of the world.”
“Derek, I don’t have HIV,” I said calmly. It was embarrassing to even be accused of it.
“Then why would you go through a dry spell?”
Because of a woman. “I haven’t been interested in it.” I kept beating around the bush because it was difficult to admit these feelings out loud.
“Oh shit.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn’t know…”
Know what?
“When did you come out?”
Now I just wanted to smack him upside the head. “Derek, I’m not gay. I have feelings for Taylor, and I’m not sure what to do about them. I don’t have HIV, and I don’t like men.”
His jaw dropped like that revelation was worse than the first two. He slowly raised his hand and pointed right at me. “I knew it!”
I rolled my eyes.
“I knew you had a thing for her, and you kept telling me I was being a stupid asshole.”
“You were being a stupid asshole. And I
didn’t have feelings for her then.” At least, I don’t think I did.
“It’s so obvious. You spend every waking hour with this woman, and if anyone even looks at her, you flip out.”
I didn’t deny any of that. “You can’t tell anyone, alright? I don’t want it to get back to her.”
“Why wouldn’t you want her to know?”
The truth was undeniable. I could try to run from it, but it would just sneak up on me. “She doesn’t feel the same way.”
“She doesn’t?” he asked in surprise. “Are you sure about that?”
I was more sure than he knew. “Yes. Trust me.”
“But how would you know unless you’ve asked her?”
“Dude, I just know. I know when a woman is into me and when she isn’t.”
“And how do you know with Taylor?”
“Well, she’s dating other guys…that’s a big clue.” Sarcasm dripped from my voice, and I couldn’t keep it back. It burned like seeping venom.
“Who’s she dating? I thought Drew was out of the picture?”
“She’s dating someone else… Some stupid douchebag.”
“Why is he a douchebag?” Derek asked. “Why would Taylor date him if he was a douchebag?”
“Well…he’s not actually a douchebag.” I just hated him because he had the woman I wanted. And he didn’t do anything to get her. He just saw her across the room and asked her out. He didn’t deserve her more than I did. “I just don’t like him.”
“I’m gonna need a second to process this… Volt actually has feelings.”
“Whatever.” I knew I would be teased for this, and I didn’t bother fighting it.
“When did this start?”
“Not sure. But a while ago.”
“What happened? You just woke up one morning and realized Tayz was awesome?”
“I always knew she was awesome. But no, it didn’t happen that way. I’m not sure when these feelings started. I think they began long before I realized they were even there.” I think every other piece of me fell for her, but my mind held off the longest. Eventually, that snapped too—like a twig.
“If you aren’t going to tell her how you feel, then why are you telling me this?”
Just like everyone else, I needed someone to talk to. I was in a difficult situation, and I had no idea what to do about it. Taylor would have the best advice, but since she was the subject of the problem, she would be a little biased.