I help Faith carry her luggage in the house. Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her close, kissing the top of her head. “I’m glad you’re here.”
She sighs happily, her cheek pressed to my chest. “So am I.”
Drawing back slightly, I tilt her gaze up to mine. “How about I cook us something for dinner and we enjoy the evening?”
She smiles, reaching up to capture my lips. “Sounds like a great plan to me,” she murmurs against my lips.
I know I should tell her, but hell, I don’t want to ruin her first night here.
It feels so wrong to kiss her now. Not when I have been thinking about Jess and not when my feelings are meshing, confusing me.
Leaving Faith to her own devices, I head to the kitchen to cook my famous steaks.
The more and more I dwell on the fact that I should tell Faith, the guiltier I feel for not doing it.
By the time dinner is ready, I’m still not any closer to deciding if I should tell her tonight or not.
“Faith, dinner is ready,” I call out to her. She had been awfully quiet since I left her alone. Either that or I have been too lost in my thoughts to hear anything else.
I had just set her plate on the table when she emerges, freshly showered. After pouring our drinks, I take the seat next to her and dig in.
Stealing a glance in her direction, I notice her frowning. “Everything okay?”
Her eyes flick up to me, and I swear I see anger in them. “When did you plan on telling me that you know Jess? There is a picture of you and her face down on your dresser.”
Shit, I didn’t want her to find out this way. “I wanted to tell you tonight, but I didn’t want to ruin your first night here.”
“I’m a big girl, Bo. I can handle it. Did you know who I was the day we met?”
“No, I didn’t find out until after I put two and two together when you were talking about your roommate and how she was acting. I didn’t tell you then because not only did I like spending time with you, but I was also pissed off at Jess.” Now, I feel like an asshole.
“Did you two ever date?”
I take a bite of my steak and shake my head. “Jess wanted to be with me, but at the time, I didn’t want to be in a relationship as I thought they only caused heartache. Of course, I believe differently now and when I decided that I did want to be with her, she said no and I lost it. I said some hurtful things to her out of spite I wish I could take back.”
“Why did she say no?” Faith asks.
Why she wants to know all of this I don’t know, but so far, she doesn’t seem very pissed at me which is good. As much as I don’t want to talk about Jess right now, I owe Faith an explanation. “She claims that it wasn’t a good time or something like that.”
Faith stares down at her food, pushing it around with her fork. “Do you love her?”
Love is a pretty strong word that shouldn’t be tossed around. If you say you love someone, you better mean it. “I do,” I answer honestly. Faith’s eyes soften as she grows quiet. I arch a brow at her, wondering what she’s thinking. “What?”
She sets her fork down, pushes her plate forward, and rests her arms on the table. “Can I be honest with you?”
“I’d rather you be,” I reply, chuckling.
“I like you, Bo, and I’m glad you’re being honest with me. I know you love her. You could have lied to me and I still would have known. It’s your eyes. Even though there is a hint of sadness in your voice, your eyes still light up a little when you talk about her. I’ve always heard that you can tell when a guy is in love with a girl by the way he looks at her and by the way he talks about her. I haven’t seen the way you look at her, but the look in your eye says a lot.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I haven’t been in love before so this is all new to me. But, does she love me back? I don’t know if I can handle being rejected by her again. My heart couldn’t handle it.
“What happens if I ask her out again and she rejects me? Then what?”
Faith covers my hand with hers. “Then you keep trying. Giving up means you don’t care as much as you say you do. If you keep fighting for her, she’ll see that you truly mean it.”
That makes sense, I guess. “I guess this means we’re not dating anymore are we?” I quip, unable to hold my laughter in.
Faith slaps my arm. “Of course we’re not.”
“How are you not upset by this?”
“When I had cancer and thought I was dying I learned to not let certain things get to me. This situation is one of them. I know it seems like I should be beating the shit out of you or crying, but I guess in my heart I knew that you and I weren’t meant to be, so why cry about it or get angry with you?”
This girl. “I feel like I should let you hit me once.”
She gives me a pointed look and punches me hard on my arm.
“Ouch!” I glare at her as I rub the sore spot. “Think you hit me hard enough?”
Faith grins. “Not really.”
“I guess I deserve it. I really am sorry though, Faith. I didn’t want to hurt you. For the record, I really do like you and I love hanging out with you.”
Her expression softens as she resumes eating. “I liked hanging out with you and you’re a really good kisser.” Her cheeks flush a deep shade of red. “But, a part of me wondered if there was someone else. Not that you were cheating, just someone who you wished you could be with. Now I know.”
“You’re right about one thing. I’m totally a good kisser.” Faith giggles when I waggle my eyebrows at her. “I guess it was that obvious, huh?” I add.
“Just a little,” she retorts. “I think we’re better off as friends anyway.”
“I’ve never had a female best friend before.”
“Well, there is a first time for everything,” she jokes.
This talk had gone a lot better than I imagined it would.
All that worrying for nothing.
32
Jess
It’s been a week since I started staying with Cassie’s parents and while I’m grateful they are letting me stay, it’s time for me to figure out where to go next. I feel like I’m imposing and overstaying my welcome even though they assure me it’s okay.
I talked to Faith a few days ago and she informed me she knew about the history between Bo and me. She was hurt that I didn’t tell her and I don’t blame her.
“Bo and I have decided to be friends,” she tells me.
“Don’t break up with him on account of me, Faith. If you like him then, by all means, he’s yours.”
“First of all, he’s clearly in love with you. Every now and then I catch him staring at a photo of you two longingly. You broke his heart, Jess, and now he’s scared to offer it to you again.”
“He broke mine first, did he tell you that?” I snap back, not caring that I sound like a child.
“He did, he told me everything. Secondly, you need to come back to Brilliant. Bo and his family love you and they miss you and I know you miss this place, too. You might say you don’t, but you can’t lie to me.”
I ponder her words, letting them sink in. Can I go back to Brilliant? Can I face Bo after all that has happened?
“And finally,” Faith continues. “You and Bo need to talk and work things out. It’s plain to see how much he cares for you.”
What if Bo doesn’t look at me the same way anymore? “I’m scared to face him, Faith.”
“You need to be able to lean on him for support. Don’t feel like you can’t ask for help, Jess, because you can, and we are all here for you.”
Since I’m a very independent person, I hate asking for help. It makes me feel weak.
But I can’t deny that I miss everyone back home.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll come home. But first, I have to dye my hair back blonde.”
Faith screams so loud I have to pull the phone away from my ear so she doesn’t bust my eardrum.
“Oh my goodn
ess! I can’t wait to see you! Bo’s going to be so excited to hear you’re coming home!”
An idea pops into my head. “Why don’t I surprise him?” You know, just in case I chicken out.
“Genius! I’ll be sure to keep it a secret.”
Two days later, I pull into Cassie’s driveway. Faith told Bo that she and Cassie were going shopping in Birmingham. Bo fell for it and went on to work.
My hair is back to its natural color, although it still isn’t as long as it was. Next time, I’ll think twice before dying it. I’m happy my hair is blonde again.
“Are you positive he doesn’t know I’m coming?” I ask, afraid of how he’s going to react to seeing me.
“I assure you, he doesn’t know,” Faith says with absolute certainty.
Their plan is to drop me off at his house and leave. Faith will give me her key so I can walk in.
Cassie and Faith spend the next hour finding me the perfect outfit as nothing seemed to look good for them. I honestly don’t care what I wear.
Unease simmers in the pit of my stomach knowing that I don’t think I’m going to hang around here. Faith managed to talk me into coming back, but this place holds some painful memories.
Before I know it, we are parked in Bo’s driveway.
Nerves flutter in my stomach and my hands begin to shake. I can do this, I think to myself.
Inhaling deeply, I exhale slowly as I climb out of the car. I’m so nervous that even my legs are wobbling. His truck is parked in the driveway in his usual spot.
The wooden swing he added to the porch since I had been here last is a nice touch. I envision Bo and I watching the sunset together on the swing. Too bad that probably won’t happen.
Using the key Faith gave me, I unlock the door, and slowly open it. I close the door behind me and step fully into the living room.
My heart pounds in my ribcage as I take another step. I freeze when I hear his voice.
“Faith, you back?” he calls from the bedroom. The words are caught in my throat, preventing me from speaking. “Faith?” he calls again, this time he’s closer. Still, my mouth won’t open.
Bo emerges, shirtless, and stops in his tracks. He blinks several times, I guess to make sure he’s not seeing things. “Jess?”
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I murmur a soft, “Hi.”
“You’re back?” he asks, astonished that I am standing before him.
My hand nervously rubs my arm. “Just for a couple of days.” I didn’t tell the girls this because I knew they wouldn’t approve of my plan. I had to see him one last time. For what, I haven’t figured it out yet.
He hangs his head, not allowing me to see the emotion on his face. I hate that I can’t tell what he is thinking.
My heart beats in anticipation when he raises his head. “Don’t keep running, Jess. Stay, please,” he murmurs, his voice cracking.
Oh, how I wish I could stay. How can I explain to him where he will understand why I’m leaving? “Bo, Brilliant can’t be my home until I face some things. I need to find myself again and I can’t do that around you.”
He advances to me slowly, his eyes locked on mine. “And why can’t you? I could help you with whatever you need and you know it. You’re just scared.” Unable to hold his gaze, I look away, ashamed.
“Yes, that’s part of it,” I admit, ashamed to be baring my soul to him. He deserves the truth. “I am scared you won’t like what you see.”
“Then why did you come here tonight? The real reason.”
“I didn’t want to leave without you knowing why. I do love you, Bo, but I’m a mess.”
“A beautiful mess,” he corrects. “Give me tonight, Jess. Give me one night to change your mind, to show you that I am in this until the end.” He takes another step toward me, and I fight the urge to not retreat backward. “What do you say? Spend the night with me?”
I hesitate, scared of the outcome of both paths. My eyes flick up to his and for a fleeting moment, there is hope for me to find my way back. “Yes,” I finally say, and he allows his body to release the unwelcome tension he’s been holding.
Bo engulfs me, lifting me off the ground and spinning me around. Setting me on my feet, he takes me by the hand and stares at me as if he is mesmerized by me. The longer he holds his stare, the more uncomfortable I grow.
I will allow myself to feel every touch, every emotion he evokes from me. The walls guarding my heart will disappear for one night.
“I don’t want anything between us tonight, Jess. Let me show you how much you mean to me, how beautiful you are. I pray I change your mind, but if I don’t and you leave, I don’t want you to forget this night.” His voice is low, but his words and the message behind them are loud and clear.
The words get caught in my throat so I nod in response.
Bo leans in, capturing my lips, and I instantly melt. He must’ve known how I’d react because his arms are suddenly around me, allowing me to fall into him.
Tonight will be the best night of my life. Come tomorrow I will be kicking myself and regretting my decision to leave, but in my heart, I know what I am doing is best for the both of us right now. There are some things I need to face and I can’t do that if I am always distracted by him.
Maybe one day when I return, he will forgive me.
33
Bo
Pulling Jess against me, I kiss her as if it is the last time my lips will feel hers. She’s giving me what I asked for and I am grateful for it. All I want is for us to be together with no walls or thoughts of the days to come. Right here and right now, I want her relaxed and carefree like she used to be. The other shit will still be there tomorrow to haunt her in the morning.
So many days and nights I dreamed of this. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get to hold her in my arms again. This may be my last chance so I’m not going to waste a second of it.
She reaches for my belt first and undoes it, then unbuttons my jeans, tugging them down, along with my boxers, until the fabric hits the floor.
Grabbing the hem of her shirt, I peel it off of her, discarding it along with her bra.
Her touch sets my body on fire and this kind of flame I never want to put out. “Jess,” I murmur her name and she moans, her head tilting back, allowing her slim figure to press against me. She really needs to gain some weight. Pushing that thought aside for later, I back her up until the backs of her legs hit the mattress. “Lie back, darlin’. Let me take care of you.” The husky way I speak to her doesn’t surprise me. I’m not forbidding myself of her anymore. Whether she realizes it or not, she’s mine.
Jess lies back on the bed and I lean over her, my hands on either side of her. I rub her sensitive bud, wanting her to come on my fingers. I watch as she bites on her lower lip and her hands grip the sheets.
I slip two fingers into her wetness, keeping my thumb in place in the same massaging motion.
“Oh,” she moans, and I know she is closer to release. I feel her tightening around my fingers and then she moans my name as she comes. It’s the most beautiful sight.
She lays there, unmoving, probably gathering her thoughts. I reach for a condom and slide it along my length. Grabbing her hips, I gently slide inside her, filling her. Letting her lay there lost in her thoughts could be dangerous so I make love to her, slow and steady, so she is forced to think of only me.
“Bo, I-”
I cut her off with my lips. God, I love the feel of her lips. “I know, baby.”
My hands play with her breasts, kneading them, pinching them. She fucking loves it.
She gasps, this time, screaming my name. I’ve never come so hard in my life.
I collapse next to her, our breathing heavy. I’ve officially had my taste of her and there is no way I can let her walk away from me. Not after this.
Pulling her close, I kiss the side of her head, feeling content. The war inside me has ceased for now.
She remains quiet and it scares me. What if it isn’
t enough? What else can I do to make her stay?
“Penny for your thoughts?” I murmur, raising my head and propping it in my hand.
She huffs out a laugh. “Please, my thoughts are worth more than a penny.”
I chuckle, letting my finger draw lazy circles on her stomach. “Okay, how about I give you ten dollars for your thoughts?”
She rolls her eyes, a hint of sadness in them. I’ve been taking note, paying closer attention to all of the emotions that hit her. Sadness has been the one feeling I’ve seen the most cross her delicate features. I hate that I can’t make it all go away.
“I think that’s a reasonable price,” she quips, obviously stalling about answering my question.
“I’ve been known to make a good bargain every now and then.”
She stiffens beneath my touch and I wish I could relax her.
I’m about to say something again when she sighs. “Do you ever think about how different your life could have been if you didn’t make certain choices?”
All the time. “Who doesn’t? We are all human, Jess.” I wonder where that question came from.
“I know, but some think about their mistakes more than others, you know?”
Where is she going with this? “I guess so.” I pause, swallowing hard. “Jess, you may have made some mistakes and you may regret a lot of things, but it brought you to where you are now. You want to know my biggest regret? Pushing you away that night. I wonder where we’d be if I hadn’t turned you down.”
“Who knows where we would have ended up. Life is funny, Bo, and it’s also cruel. I’ve learned that over the last several months.”
Curling my arms around her, I yank her on top of me, keeping my arms locked around her. Her full lips look so inviting so I reach for another taste. When I pull away, I almost smirk at the pleased look in her eyes. She wants this.
“Life is whatever you want it to be, Jess. I want you to be happy again and you can be, but you have to choose where your happiness is. Is it with me or somewhere else? Only you can decide that. I know what I want you to choose. No one can force you to stay or go. Only you, Jess.”
Holding on for you (Saved #2) Page 13