37
Bo
Faith all but pushes me out the door when my parents arrive. I called them and asked them to stay with her until I return with Jess. She’s in good care with Mom, so I won’t have to worry about her while I am gone. Thought about calling Jess instead of flying across the country to see her in person, but I felt I needed to look her in the eye and beg her to come home where she belongs. Faith liked the idea of me going to get her, too. Jess couldn’t run from me then ‘cause I could chase after her.
My plane touched down in Phoenix in the wee hours of the morning. The sun has yet to rise so I decide it is best to grab a hotel room and crash for a few hours before going to Cassie’s parents.
I wish Cassie could’ve come with me, but Faith felt I needed to talk to Jess alone. Maybe I am making this harder than it really is. Should I be as worried as much as I am? I’m doing this for Faith, first and foremost, not me.
After changing my clothes and brushing my teeth, I fall onto the bed and try to get some sleep.
It’s eight in the morning and I am up and ready. I’ve already called and checked on Faith. She slept most of the night and her temperature came down some. Mom assured me she’s okay and it eases my worry a little.
After making sure I have everything, I head to the lobby to check out before hailing a cab. The ride is only about fifteen minutes before he pulls up in front of a nice two- story brick house with a white picketed fence.
I want this with Jess.
The thought hits me square in the chest, knocking the breath out of me. It hurts to miss her. It hurts to see her. Everything hurts when it comes to Jess.
My heart pounds in my ribcage as I knock on the red wooden door. After a minute it opens and I lock eyes with the girl I screwed up with so many times.
Her eyes widen and her breath hitches. “Bo, what are you doing here?”
She looks better, still sad, but she is starting to look healthier. And just like that, all of the memories we’ve shared, the good and the bad, come flooding back. You’re here for Faith, I remind myself. “Faith is sick, Jess. Her Leukemia is back and-” I swallow past the lump in my throat, trying to force the words out, “she is not doing treatments. She’s going to die, Jess.”
Her hand covers her mouth in shock. “Please, tell me you’re lying,” she murmurs, unable to believe what I just dumped on her. Hell, I can’t believe it either.
“I wish like hell I was lying, Jess.”
I watch as Jess breaks down in front of me. Unable to stand here and watch her crumble before me, I take her in my arms. I hold her as she cries, fighting my own tears from falling. I have to be strong for Faith and Jess and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle it.
When her tears stop falling, she moves out of my embrace and retreats into the house. She disappears inside, leaving me standing in the doorway, unsure of what to do.
After a moment, I walk in and shut the door behind me. I hear her soft cries growing closer with each step I take. I find her in a bedroom to my left, her back to the door, shoving clothes into a duffle bag.
“I’m a horrible best friend, Bo! I basically shut her out of my life like I have done to everybody and for what!” She throws her hands into the air and spins around, placing her hand on her hip.
“You’re not a horrible friend, Jess. You’ve been through a lot and you dealt with it the only way you knew how. We all wished you would let us help you, but you’re stubborn and independent.” Hopefully, my words won’t upset her even more.
Jess runs toward me so I open my arms and enclose them around her. I’ve missed the hell out of her and there is so much I want to say, but I know this isn’t the right time.
But, I can’t resist saying the three little words. “I love you.” She stills in my arms, and yet, I can’t bring myself to regret them. “I just wanted you to know that.”
Jess is quiet as she pulls away from me. She needs time to process it all, I get it. It still hurts to not hear her say she loves me, too.
38
Bo
Jess is quiet as we travel back home. I didn’t expect her to talk my ear off, but I’d hope she’d at least say a few words. While I know I probably scared her off with my confession, I don’t regret telling her. I’ll ask her questions and she will only nod or shake her head. Her silence is killing me.
Jess fell asleep as I drove us back from the airport. Even in her sleep, the frown on her face is still there. I want to talk to her and ask her if she is ready to date again, yet I am afraid to push her.
Putting the truck in park, I cut the engine. Reaching over, I shake Jess gently to wake her. “Jess, we’re…here.” I catch myself before I say home. To her, this place isn’t her home.
Her eyes flutter open as she sits up in the seat, rubbing her face. Without a word, she grabs her purse and climbs out of the truck.
Instead of following her, I grab our bags, taking my time so she and Faith can have a moment.
Leaning against my truck, I stare out into the field, admiring the view. A hand touches my shoulder and I turn. It’s my mom. “How is she?” I’ve been frequently checking on Faith since I’ve been gone.
Mom gives a small smile. “Faith is doing okay. Her fever is down and she’s been eating some.”
That’s good. Maybe she will get back to her old self and we can finish her list. I haven’t told Jess about it, but she can help us with it. We only have a few left to cross off before it’s complete and I’d rather complete them as soon as possible before Faith gets too sick and can’t get out. I promised her I was going to help her do everything on the list, except for the last one for obvious reasons, and damn it, I’m sticking to my promise. I hate Faith won’t get a chance to fall in love.
“Honey, you need to call a hospice center and get them to come out,” Mom suggests.
Pushing off my truck, I pace back and forth, my hands each grabbing a fist full of hair. It’s too soon for hospice, right? She can’t need them now.
Mom steps in front of me and hugs me. “Bo, honey, I know this is hard, but she needs you to be strong for her. Faith wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
She wouldn’t, but I can’t help it. Faith is too young to die. She has a whole future in front of her.
“I know, Mama, I just believe I’m going to lose her.” Faith is a one of a kind girl, you won’t ever meet another like her.
“God has a plan for her, remember that.”
“I will.”
Letting go of Mom, I head inside, steeling my emotions so Faith doesn’t see me upset. She will only worry about me more and she doesn’t need that.
Faith is sitting up talking with Jess who is crying. This is hard for her. It’s hard for all of us. None of us saw this coming. It’s as if our hearts are being ripped out of our chests.
Jess excuses herself and leaves the room, leaving me alone with Faith. Mom hasn’t come back inside the house yet.
Faith smiles at me, striding toward me. “I’ve missed you, cowboy, even if it was only a couple of days.” She hugs me tight, laying her head on my chest. “Thank you for bringing our girl home.”
My throat closes up, preventing me from replying. I hate feeling so vulnerable, especially in front of Faith and Jess.
Faith draws back, framing my face with her hands. “You’ll get through this. It’s going to be hard, I’m not going to lie, but I promise you that you will be okay.”
How can she act like this is not bothering her? Is she not scared? “How are you so calm about this?” I say, finding my voice.
“I’m not going to lie and say I’m not scared. Death is scary, but I’m at peace knowing I will be cancer free when I leave here. I won’t be in any pain. I won’t be suffering. It gives me something to look forward to.”
I don’t know if I can understand what she is saying. Faith is so strong to be facing this, to be at peace knowing that someday soon, she will be taking her last breath. “If you’re up to it, tomorrow we will be
crossing off another thing on your to-do list. I promised you that we’d complete it and I’m keeping my promise.”
A smile tugs at her lips. “Can’t wait, cowboy!”
We break apart just as Jess comes back into the room. “Jess can help us with my list,” Faith says, winking at me. I know exactly what she is doing. The ball is in Jess’ court though, not mine.
“Help with what?” Jess murmurs, confused as to what she walked into. Jess still seems timid around me and I hope I’m not the one who is making her uncomfortable.
While Faith fills Jess in on her bucket list, I head to the kitchen to figure out what I’m cooking for dinner this evening. Faith loves my cooking and if she requests it, I will cook her a home cooked meal every night.
Mom enters the kitchen, making me realize I forgot about her being outside. “What are you cooking tonight?”
Pulling a few things from the fridge, I reply, “Tator Tot Casserole sounds good to me. I’m going to check with the girls to see if it’s what they want.”
“I’m sure whatever you cook they will eat.”
As if they heard us talking about them, Faith and Jess breeze in the kitchen.
“That sounds yummy,” Faith says.
“I’ll eat whatever,” Jess adds.
“Okay, I’ll get started.”
“I’ll call your father and J and invite them over,” Mom says, pulling out her phone.
“Mom, I don’t think Faith is up to everyone being here,” I tell her, afraid Faith will be overwhelmed. I’m sure they know Faith’s cancer has returned by now from Mom and I’m afraid they will act differently around her.
“Bo, I’m fine with them coming. Tell them to come over,” Faith insists.
Mom gives me a knowing smile. “Stop worrying so much, sweetie, or you’ll get gray hair before you’re twenty-five.”
Faith and Jess crack up while I ignore my mom’s comment and continue preparing dinner.
“Have you talked to her?” Faith asks as I chop the onion. I knew it was a matter of time before she started asking questions.
“I told her I loved her and she hasn’t said a word to me since,” I mutter, pissed about the way Jess is acting around me.
“Give-” Faith starts to say, but I cut her off.
“Don’t say ‘Give her time’. I’ve heard that same phrase a million times, Faith. Time is doing nothing but pushing her away from me.” I hate I’m so harsh to her, but talking about Jess is making me hostile. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired of hearing it,” I say instantly, regretting the way I talked to her.
Faith smiles reassuringly. “It’s okay, Bo. Just breathe. It will all work out, I promise.”
How in the hell she can promise that I don’t know, but I don’t dispute it because Jess emerges in the kitchen.
“What do you need us to do, cowboy?” She is for sure feeling a lot better. I couldn’t stand seeing her so down.
“Nothing. You two go have girl time or whatever you call it. You have some catching up to do.” Laying down the knife, I spin around and lean against the counter. One look. I need one good look at Jess for now. She is standing a few feet away from me, looking awkward as hell. Her blonde hair is slowly growing back to the length it had been before her drastic change.
Her eyes finally meet mine and I silently tell her everything I wish I could say aloud.
You’re beautiful.
I love you.
I want your lips on mine.
The moment is short lived when she turns and walks out of the room. My eyes don’t leave her until she is out of sight.
Faith waggles her eyebrows at me and struts out the kitchen, earning a chuckle from me. I don’t know what I will do without her.
39
Jess
Dinner was amazing.
I didn’t know Bo could cook at all. He definitely gets it from his momma. It was great to see everyone together again, like old times, except we are at Bo’s home instead of his parents.
When Cassie arrived, she immediately handed off Ella to J and ambushed me with a hug. I’ve missed my other best friend and I miss not being in Ella’s life. Ella has grown so much since I saw her last.
J actually smiled at me and hugged me. He was so angry with me the last time I saw him so he must be over it now. Which I can’t blame him for being mad at me for what I did.
J appears beside me. “Can we talk?” he asks.
“Sure.” I wonder what it’s about?
I lead the way, stepping outside on the porch. J leans against the railing as I take the swing.
“I’m sorry for the way I treated you, Jess,” J begins. “I didn’t know what you were going through. Even now, I still don’t and I pray I don’t for a very long time. But Jess, I was pissed off because you had the perfect opportunity to get what you both had wanted for so long. Watching him self-destruct only fueled my anger. I hated you for hurting my brother. At the time, I didn’t care what was going through your mind or what was going on with you, I only cared about Bo.”
Even though I knew he was mad at me, I also knew that his anger had been justified. I don’t deserve Bo. When he told me he loved me, a few of the cracks in my heart healed. But it wouldn’t have been fair to him to tell him I love him back when I know I still need time. He may not understand why I couldn’t tell him, but hopefully one day he will. “I forgave you a long time ago, J.”
“Regardless, Jess, you still needed to hear an apology from me.” I didn’t, but I let it go. “Seeing him and Faith together...well…it made me happy because he was.”
A pang of jealousy hits me and I regret feeling that way. Seeing them together is harder than it should be since they are not dating. I guess I am worried he is in love with her and that I am slowly fading from his life.
“Jess, he may be really close with her, but you are all he’s ever wanted.”
“How can you be so sure of that?” I ask, worried that Bo is going to give up on me. If Faith wasn’t sick, would they still be a couple?
J shrugs. “He’s my brother, we tell each other just about everything.”
I knew they did, but he can’t blame me for being worried that Bo would rather be with Faith instead of me. Deciding I’d rather change the subject than talk about Bo and Faith dating, I say, “J, you and Cassie are so good with Ella. Are y’all planning on having another one soon?”
The smile I see each time he looks at Cassie spreads across his face. “Of course we are! Cassie looks amazing pregnant. How could I not knock her up a few more times?” he replies, laughter ripping through him. I shake my head. “Seriously though, we will. I think we are both kind of waiting for life to slow down a little bit.”
I’m really happy for them. J was always the romantic one between the two.
“I’m happy for you and Cassie.” I hope I can find that kind of love with a guy in the future.
Bo steps out onto the porch and J immediately excuses himself and heads inside.
The air shifts around us and suddenly I feel awkward sitting here.
I feel the weight of his stare on me as I look anywhere else but him. “Why won’t you talk to me?” he asks, hurt lacing his words.
“What do you want me to say?”
He shrugs and says, “Anything, Jess. Is it so hard to be around me now?”
“Yes,” I answer truthfully. Lying to him would only make me feel worse.
Hurt flashes in his eyes. “I don’t understand. If I ask why, will you tell me the truth?”
I’d rather not, I think to myself. “You wouldn’t understand, Bo.”
“Help me to understand. Is it something I did?”
“No, Bo, you didn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s me this time.” The choices I made will forever haunt me.
“Your life is a mess, right?”
“Yeah, and I’m trying to find myself again.” I’m also scared you don’t look at me the same way.
He gives me a knowing look. “Why do I feel like there is more to it
than that?”
I shrug indifferent, scared to tell him the last part. It will change things between us again. For better or worse, I’m not sure which, but I don’t want to risk making things worse. He may be standing a couple of feet from me, but he seems miles away.
“I wish you’d let me in,” he murmurs.
“Someday,” I promise.
“I’ll be waiting.” With that, he turns and disappears through the front door.
I haven’t thought much about where I’d be staying as Faith was all I was worried about. I needed to get to my best friend. Night has fallen now and I need to decide. I don’t think I can stay here because of Bo, even though I’d like to help out with Faith. I’d rather not impose on J and Cassie. I know I can call Bo’s parents and probably stay there.
“Whatcha thinking about over there?” Faith asks, with a smile. She probably thinks I’m daydreaming about Bo.
“About where I’m going to stay while I’m here.”
Her smile fades for a moment before it brightens again. “You’re staying here, duh!” I knew she would say that and I don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her no.
I give her a small smile, “Okay, I’ll stay here.”
“Good, we have lots of fun things planned for tomorrow,” she exclaims, excited.
Bo emerges into the room and takes a seat by Faith. “What numbers are we crossing off tomorrow?”
“Skinny dipping, tattoo, and sleeping underneath the stars!”
I almost swallow my tongue on the first one. Bo laughs and shakes his head at her. He’s seen her naked before, but he hasn’t me. Not for my lack of trying when we were in high school. Maybe Faith doesn’t expect me to go.
Then she winks at me. “Doesn’t all of that sound exciting, Jess?” Now I know exactly what she is doing. She picked it on purpose just like she knew I couldn’t tell her no to staying here.
Holding on for you (Saved #2) Page 15