“Oh, no, Tams. It wasn’t like that for me.”
“Yeah, well, it all got wrapped up in my head. I couldn’t deal with it, so I unloaded it all to Joey. He told me to confront my dad, to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake. So I did, and Dad… he started crying, said it was all a big misunderstanding, that he didn’t mean it. He said he was comforting her out of pity. That he felt sorry for her.”
She kept her eyes on her fingers. “That’s when I first realised that Joey would stay with me if he pitied me. I knew he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I knew it, and I didn’t care as long as I was with him, as long as I had someone for myself. It sounds stupid now, stupid saying it out loud, but at the time, I needed him. I needed someone, and you weren’t there anymore. No, I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying it was a bad time for me.”
“But what happened with your dad?”
“He made me promise not to say anything. He said Mam would kick him out, that he would have nowhere to go. So I agreed. I still didn’t want them to break up, but I felt like a little kid again. I was terrified, like, all the time. It was ridiculous, and my head kept getting all screwed up over it.”
She exhaled shakily. “I couldn’t blame Dad because he would get mad at me and make a million excuses, so I blamed everyone else. I took it out on everyone, pretty much. Especially you.” She shook her head, looking disgusted. “But then he started getting me to lie for him, to cover for him. I mean, he made a fool out of Mam, and he used me to do it. I was so stressed out that I’m pretty sure I failed my summer exams.”
She quickly wiped her eyes, but when she spoke again, her voice grew stronger. “I wanted to talk to you, but you’ve been really distant for a while. You had stuff on your mind that you weren’t telling me, and I was kind of scared to know what was going on with you. I couldn’t handle any more, you know? And sometimes, I would be afraid that you knew already, and that’s why you avoided me. I started thinking that Dawn knew, and she told Nathan, and he told you, and you were all having a good laugh about it behind my back.” She gave a humourless laugh.
“I would never do that to you, Tams,” I said softly.
“I told you, my head was screwed up. You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve been thinking. I couldn’t handle it, and I was so paranoid about every little thing. I do that, though. That’s my thing. I get fixated, imagine things.” She sighed and shook her head. “I picture it happening in my head, and then I get mad because I convince myself it’s true. But this was worse, and I swear, I thought I was losing my mind for a while there. So anyway, I ended up telling Joey everything. The truth this time, and I’m pretty sure he really is sticking around out of pity. We’re going to split up. Soon, I think. He’s biding his time, and I don’t know how to make him change his mind. Sometimes I want him to leave me alone because we’re connected with everything bad. I’m sick of worrying about when he’ll end it. I told you. My head’s messed up.”
I saw the tears in her eyes and the trembling of her lower lip, and I realised I hadn’t been there for her through any of it. She hadn’t trusted me, just as I couldn’t trust my own father, just as I couldn’t trust Tammie or Joey. So many secrets and lies. We both knew what it was like to deal with something alone, and I felt a pang of regret for her. “I’m sorry I wasn’t… I’m just sorry.”
She made a face. “Like you said, I pushed you away.”
“So what happened with your parents?”
She gave a watery smile. “I told the truth, and Dad freaked out. He called me every name under the sun and told Mam I was looking for attention, that I was jealous and spoiled and that nothing was ever enough for me. My sisters all believed him, and none of them talked to me for weeks. Some of them still won’t. But Mam asked me out straight, and I told her everything. She just nodded, her mouth all tight. She made him leave, said she might have forgiven him for betraying her, but she could never forgive him for what he had done to me, how he had torn the family apart.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, fully aware of how inadequate my words were.
“Don’t be. I got what I deserved, didn’t I? I thought Dawn would tell everyone, that she’d really make my life hell over this, but she didn’t. I can’t believe it after everything I’ve done to her. I… I actually made myself believe she was lying years ago. I made myself hate her, but she’s a much better person than I am. She should have told everyone. I deserve it.”
“You don’t deserve any of it. You were just a kid back then.”
“Maybe,” she said. “At first, yeah, definitely. But the rest of it? All on me. Worst bit is that I’m just like him. Mam’s always said it, and now I know it’s true. You were right before about me treating you like crap because I knew you’d take it. Just like Dad did to me. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
She sounded absolutely disgusted with herself, and I felt horrified that so much had gone on with her that I had been completely oblivious to. Life had gone on for everyone around me, and I was at a standstill, wishing everything could go back to the way it had been.
“You were manipulated by your own father. He’s the one in the wrong.”
“You’re lucky,” she said abruptly. “Your dad would never ever do anything like that to you. I used to think he was annoying, but now I’m kind of jealous because at least you know he cares about you.”
I stared at her, startled by the truth in that.
“I’m going to apologise to Dawn.” She swallowed hard. “And I really think you need to talk to Nathan. The way you look at each other… it would be a waste not to at least talk. I mean, even if you don’t get back together, you could still be friends, right?”
“I don’t know.” I hugged her. “Thanks for telling me everything, Tams.”
She gripped me tighter. “I’ve missed you lots, Per. I know it’s hard to be a friend to me, but thanks for listening. I don’t deserve it.”
“Course you do.”
She hurried away, a new expression on her face, almost as though she was relieved to have gotten it all off her chest. Sometimes, I wished for that relief. I wished my father knew everything so I could stop that tight, choked-up feeling in my chest whenever I had to lie to him and pretend that everything was okay. That I was okay living with what I had done.
The circle kept coming back to me, to the things I had done… or hadn’t. I couldn’t believe I had been so self-absorbed that I hadn’t realised something was terribly wrong in Tammie’s life. I hadn’t thought about considering why she was acting the way she had. Or that Dawn had a reason for disliking Tammie. That made me no better than anyone.
Worst of all, I had been so concerned with werewolf business that I had neglected Dad, Gran, and even Tammie. I had messed up so badly in every area of my life.
There was still one thing I could fix. Nathan had looked so guilty when he saw me, and once I had laid eyes on him, I could almost forget about the reasons why we shouldn’t be together. But they still existed, and he needed to be able to go about his business without feeling at fault for having a life after me.
We needed some kind of closure, at least for the moment, and I needed to get rid of that ache in my gut whenever I looked his way. I would find him, I would talk to him, and I would give him an excuse to move on, because until he did, I couldn’t.
Chapter Fourteen
Nathan
Seeing her changed everything. Everything. Gone were my resolutions to forget about curses and soul mates until after we had sorted out pack stuff.
Looking at her felt like home.
“Can I speak to you alone for a minute?” Amelia demanded rather than asked, completely ignoring Dawn and Abbi. I had asked them to come with me for moral support, but judging by Amelia’s expression, that had been a bad idea.
“Go ahead,” Dawn said. “I need to speak to someone anyway.”
“What are you doing?” Amelia asked as soon as they walked away. “Are you completely stupid?”
“I have
n’t done anything wrong,” I reminded her.
She stuttered something I couldn’t make out before closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. “Bringing them was wrong,” she said in a slightly more level voice. “I asked you and Perdita both to come here so you could talk to each other away from anyone who might interfere. You just ruined that, genius.”
“I get that you’re trying to help, but she doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“If I thought that, do you really think I would make her see you? Come on!”
“Ryan said—”
“Forget what Ryan said! I like Ryan, but keeping you two apart is what’s best for him. I miss having Perdita around, and you obviously do, too, so why not man up, speak to her, and figure out what’s going on?”
“It’s not that simple anymore. After everything that’s happened, she’s finally free. She can walk away from me.”
She frowned. “What if she doesn’t want to, Nathan?” She turned on her heel and joined Connor.
Connor rubbed her back absentmindedly as he spoke, and I felt a pang of something. Almost like homesickness. I wanted to talk to Perdita, but I was afraid for a million reasons. What Ryan said made a lot of sense, but it wasn’t what I wanted, and I realised I had no idea what she wanted. The days of certainty were over. Even before, she had always found ways to disagree with me or get mad at me. How would it be when there was nothing magical keeping us together? I was terrified to find out.
But I wanted to find out.
I wandered outside, disinterested in the party itself. I had only turned up because a tiny part of me had hoped she would somehow be there. No matter what happened, she was still at the forefront of my mind. Even being away for a while hadn’t helped me switch off that part of my brain. She should be with me. I just needed to figure out a way to convince her of that. She had looked mildly horrified when she saw me, so how could I force my presence on her without coming off like a complete dick?
I sat on a bench on the patio at the back of the house. The neighbouring houses were all quite nice, and I wondered why the area was such a ghost town. It had been pretty much crime-free, at least before we werewolves invaded.
“I wondered where you got to,” Abbi called out, joining me on the bench.
“I needed some air,” I muttered.
“Sorry about you and Perdita. You both looked pretty uncomfortable back there.”
I laughed in spite of myself. “Understatement, Abbi.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing, seeing each other before school starts back. Means you have a chance to get over the awkward stage before Aaron can make it so much worse.”
I grinned. “Thanks for putting an upside to it. Doubt he could make it much worse than it already is.”
“It’s not so bad. I mean, she’s not all psycho outraged ex, is she? And we’ll hide you if she is.”
I glanced at her, seeing a hint of worry in those smiling eyes. “She’s not like that, Abbi.”
Her smile faltered. “I was just kidding around. I hate seeing you so unhappy. She’s nice enough, but you were miserable most of the time you were together.”
I clenched my fists, my inner darkness fuelling my rage. “I wasn’t miserable. Not with her.”
She looked confused. “Then why aren’t you together?”
Why indeed? I shrugged. “Lots of reasons. Right person, wrong time, maybe.”
She laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “What if it was the wrong person, right time?”
That confused me, and my entire body froze as she leaned forward, glancing at my lips. I closed my eyes, wondering if I could even do it, but my wolf howled inside with displeasure, and I pushed her gently away before she got close enough to kiss.
The door closed softly behind us, leaving behind a trace of the scent I liked most in the whole world.
“I’ll be back,” I said, jumping to my feet.
Abbi grabbed my hand. “Nathan, wait.”
“Just… Abbi, give me a minute. Give me two minutes, okay?”
She nodded, and I ran after Perdita for what felt like the umpteenth time in my life. I caught her in the kitchen, her face paler than I liked.
“Let me explain,” I said hurriedly, moving too close to her, judging by the way she backed away.
“There’s nothing to explain. You’re a free agent. I’m not… I’m not going to try and get in your way. Don’t worry.” She said it in a kindly way. I would have preferred a scream or even a slap in the face. But not a smile. Not with those words.
“She tried to kiss me,” I said, unsure of what to say in the face of her calmness.
“I saw. I didn’t mean to. It just happened in front of me. I tried not to look, but… you know.” She shrugged. “This might be good for you. You need something normal, something drama-free.”
“I don’t need anything else,” I said, confused again.
Her lip trembled a little. “I’ve felt so bad for you. That you thought… listen, I’m not your responsibility. It’s not your fault what the curse did. You don’t have to… you don’t owe me anything. I can deal with it. You don’t have to feel embarrassed about moving on. It’s just the way it is.” She was gone before I could form an answer.
I started after her, stopped, and couldn’t move again.
“I swear to God,” Amelia snapped, coming out of nowhere. “If you listen to what she just said and didn’t hear what she was really saying, I will bite you.”
“I’m not going crazy, right?”
She laughed in spite of the dark look on her face.
“Should I run?”
“Yes, you div!”
I ran.
I found Perdita on the next street, and I got ahead of her, my heart threatening to explode out of my chest. “Wait,” I gasped. “Now, just wait a minute, okay?”
She froze, obviously startled. Recovering quickly, she made to move on, but I grabbed her arms and refused to let go.
“You can’t say stuff like that and not even give me a chance to reply.”
She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, and her eyes glittered. “I’m not supposed to talk to you.”
“So I’ll take the punishment from your dad. I don’t care. Just talk to me, please.”
She fell silent, looking stunned and unsure of herself.
I wasn’t above taking advantage of that. “I’m letting go of your arms, but you can’t walk away until the conversation is over.”
She nodded, her eyebrows rising.
“Good.” I grinned. “Thanks for being cooperative.”
She gave me that look.
I hurried on. “Here’s the thing. I don’t want to move on. Not with anyone else. I keep telling myself that staying away from you will keep you safe, that I can try to make things up to you, prove that I’m not who you think I am, after.”
“After?”
“After. When all of this werewolf crap is over and done with. But anything could happen, and I’m sick of missing you.”
“The curse—”
“I don’t care about the stupid curse. So it’s over. Fine. Done. That doesn’t mean we have to be. I still care about you, Perdita, and I still want to be with you. I know you hated the influence of the curse hanging over us, but that’s over, so it’ll be just me and you from now on. We can handle anything, but if you tell me to keep away from you, I will. Okay, I’ll try, anyway.”
The corner of her mouth twitched.
I carried on, barely taking a breath. “But I have to make sure you know that nothing’s changed for me. I need you to know that us being over isn’t what I want. It’s never what I wanted, and I know I acted, well, like a cretin, but I promise you I’m not like them. I could be, trust me, the opportunity has arisen, but I kept thinking of you, of how you’d think, and I always backed off. I’ll always be darker than you like, but it’s important that you don’t think of me like a monster, like someone who could hurt you because I… I could never… Perdita, I’m still th
e same person who saw you for the first time in a classroom. I’m still the same person who made you mad, who you danced with, who you kissed. The curse ending hasn’t changed any of that for me.”
She stared at me, and my brain stopped functioning.
“So, um, has it changed for you?” I asked.
She looked away and shook her head as if confused. I began to lose hope then, but she turned back to face me with a look I knew well in her eyes.
The rest of the world fell away. She took one step closer to me and cocked her head to the side. “Not one bit.”
It sank in after a couple of seconds, and a grin spread across my face, a weight lifting off my shoulders. “Are you sure you can deal with the other stuff?” I asked.
She took my hands, entwining her fingers with mine and gifting me with a smile I hadn’t seen in too long. All of my fear drifted away. Pulling her arms around my back, I let go of her hands and cupped her cheeks. Wolf growled at me to get on with it already, but I was nervous. There were no certainties anymore. I couldn’t tell what she was feeling. At least, not exactly.
Brushing her hair out of her face, I tipped her chin upward and leaned forward to kiss her, relishing her taste, the warmth of her skin, how her fingers gripped at my shirt as if she wouldn’t ever let go, and the way her pulse raced against my fingertips.
It was as if we had never been apart, as if the curse hadn’t been broken. And I realised none of that had ever mattered. Not deep down.
We swayed toward a garden wall, and I lifted her to rest on top of it, lost in the kiss. Maybe we had attributed a little too much blame to the curse because I wasn’t ready to let her go any time soon. Her hands found their way to my hair, and I shifted her closer to me, forgetting we were in public. Not really caring, if I was honest with myself.
She broke away abruptly, her eyes wide with guilt as she slipped off the wall. “Nathan, it hasn’t changed for me, but Dad’s still—”
“So I’ll wait,” I said hurriedly. “I’m sorry if I came on too strong. I get that it’s not the same anymore, but I missed you. And I’ll wait. I’ll talk to him. I’ll do whatever it takes. This is worth it.”
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