by E. L. Todd
Sean pushed him. Ryan took the hit but didn’t retaliate. “Is that supposed to justify it? And what happened to ‘your part of this family’ bullshit? You didn’t mean a word you said? You’re my brother! You should have told me.”
Ryan bowed his head. “This is Scarlet’s relationship, not mine.”
Sean shook his head. “I don’t want her anymore.”
I rose to my feet and grabbed Sean’s hand. “I didn’t cheat on you, Sean. I didn’t. I was wrong for keeping it from you, but I didn’t cheat on you. Please don’t leave me. Please. I—I can’t live without you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He looked at me for a moment but then looked away. I knew I was losing him. He was too upset, too angry to come back to me. I grabbed his face and kissed him but he pulled away. “No.”
“Babe, please.”
He stared at me, a look of hurt on his face. “I can forgive you for sleeping with Cortland—eventually. But I can’t forget what I just heard with my own ears. You purposely kept something from me, that you slept with someone else when you claimed to be in love with me, and you had no intention of ever telling me. I was going to marry you, Scarlet, and I never would have known the truth. I—I can’t trust you.”
I felt my heart break. “Sean, it will never happen again. I promise.”
He pulled his hands away. “No.”
“Please don’t do this.”
He looked at the ground. “I don’t know how I feel anymore. I was faithful to you when I was in New York. Yes, we weren’t together at the time, but I still loved you. I just can’t believe you weren’t going to tell me the truth. I would have spent the rest of my life never knowing.”
I was shaking. “I only wanted to protect Cortland.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Well, I’m glad you care more about his feelings than mine.”
More tears fell. “It’s not like that, Sean.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Please don’t do this to me. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’ll marry you in Connecticut.”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t work like that, Scar.”
“You left me for Penelope and I forgave you. Your love is unconditional.”
“It’s not the same thing and you know it, Scar. Penelope was having my baby. I never wanted to be with her—I had to. I never lied to you about anything, Scar. And I kept my own secret because it was none of your fucking business. This is completely different in every way. How dare you use my wrongs to justify your own!”
“That isn’t what I meant.”
“Yes, it was.”
I ran my hands through my hair and tried to calm my breathing. “Please, Sean. I can’t live without you. I can’t.”
He looked away from me, unable to look at me for a moment longer. He turned to Ryan. “Help me get her things.”
Ryan didn’t respond in any way.
I fell to my knees. “Please don’t do this,” I cried. “Please.”
Sean walked to the stairwell, but Ryan didn’t move. “I can get it myself. It doesn’t matter.”
Janice came to me and wrapped her arms around me. “I got her.”
Ryan followed behind Sean and disappeared from my sight. I felt my body shatter into a million pieces. I had never been in more pain in my life. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I loved Sean. He was the love of my life. How did everything get so messed up so quickly? I wished I had never slept with Cortland to begin with. The affair meant nothing. If anything, it made us closer as friends. Better yet, I should have just told Sean the truth. He was right. I was just a huge hypocrite. I couldn’t believe I lost him.
Janice helped me to my feet and escorted me back to the apartment. I had no control over my body. Janice had to drag me into my bedroom. I’m glad she didn’t put me on the couch. Now I just wanted to crawl into a ball and wait for death to take me. This was the worst thing that could have possibly happened. I never thought I would lose Sean over this.
I turned on my side and clutched my body, crying to myself. I didn’t know what to do without Sean. He was everything to me. Everything.
I heard the front door open again and I cried harder. I knew Sean brought the rest of my belongings back to the apartment. I couldn’t believe our relationship was over. I wanted to fight for him, but I didn’t see the point. He didn’t want me anymore. And he shouldn’t want me anymore. My bedroom door opened but I didn’t turn around to look. I knew Ryan would come eventually.
“Can you give us a moment?”
I stiffened when I recognized Sean’s voice.
“Sure,” Janice whispered. She left my side and closed the door behind her.
I sat up and looked at Sean. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to say to me. He didn’t reach for me in any way. I wrapped my arms around my knees and looked at the floor.
He sat down on the bed next to me. “Scarlet.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know.”
I closed my eyes and felt the tears fall.
“I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”
“I know.”
“I need some time.”
“I understand.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out my engagement ring. It reflected in the light of the moon. I knew he was going to give it back to me. Not so I could wear it again, but because he had no use for it. It was engraved with my name. What could he do with it?
He kneeled down on the floor in front of me and grabbed my hand, slipping it back into place. I felt my heart jump into my throat at the sight.
“Scarlet, I love you.”
I was too emotional to speak.
“And I still want to marry you.”
I wiped away my tears.
“But I’m really upset with you. I feel betrayed and hurt and—I just need space right now. We’ve both done things we regret. I should just end this relationship with you but I love you too much to do that. I can’t do it.”
“Okay,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Even if you had cheated on me, I would still be kneeled on the ground before you because I love you so much. I know that’s pathetic but it’s how I feel. But I’m more upset that you lied to me. You were never going to tell me the truth. I—I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t let it go.”
I nodded.
He touched the ring on my finger. “I’m still committed to you and you are to me. I don’t want you to sleep with anyone else.”
“I wouldn’t, Sean.”
His eyes became sad but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t know if he could trust me. When I ran away from him, I slept with the first guy I met.
“And I won’t be with anyone either, but I need my space. You won’t be seeing me for a while. I just can’t go back to normal and pretend that everything is okay when it’s not.”
“So we are broken up?”
He shook his head. “We’re still engaged.”
“Will that ever change?”
“Yes,” he said. “I still want to get married, but like I said, I need my space. I can’t trust you anymore.”
“Okay.”
He sat next to me on the bed. “I love you.”
I started to cry. “I love you, too.”
He kissed my forehead. “I’m still yours.”
“I know.”
“Goodnight.” He rose from the bed.
“Please don’t go.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him back to bed. “Please.” I cried into his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Stay with me. Make love to me.”
He kissed me on the forehead again. “I can’t.”
“Please.”
“No, I need to go. I can’t comfort you when I feel like this. And I certainly can’t make love to you when I’m this upset.” He pulled my hands from his neck then stood up. “Goodnight.”
I wiped my tears away. “Goodnight.”
He left my bedroom and closed the door be
hind him. The darkness overcame the room and I felt myself fall. The fact that Sean still wanted to marry me relieved my anxiety, but I still felt broken. I had changed our relationship, ruining the trust that we had for each other. Nothing would ever be the same now. There may not be a relationship to go back to.
15
Scarlet
I didn’t want to get up this morning. In fact, I wasn’t going to. Sean hadn’t called me and I knew he wouldn’t for a long time. I knew I messed everything up. I should have just told the truth to begin with.
Since Sean said he was still committed to me and we were still together, I didn’t feel so grief-stricken. I knew we would work this out together. Sean just needed space. I didn’t blame him. What I did was pretty unforgivable.
Somehow I found the strength to climb out of bed and walk into the living room. Ryan and Janice were sitting at the table eating their cereal. I grabbed a bowl and poured the milk in first then the cereal on top. Ryan watched me but he didn’t tease me about my unusual habit. Since he remained silent, I knew he was worried about me.
I joined them at the table and ate my cereal quietly.
Ryan stared at me. “I’m relieved this isn’t like last time.”
I ignored him.
Janice saw the ring on my finger. “Did Sean give that to you?”
I nodded.
Ryan sighed. “So you worked it out?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “He said he needs his space from me. He can’t trust me anymore, but he still wants to be committed to me.”
“That sounds complicated,” my brother said.
“Well, that’s good,” Janice said. “That means he still wants to be with you.”
“Yes,” I said. “I just hope he can trust me again. And I have no idea what he’s going to do to Cortland when he sees him.”
Ryan shook his head. “He better leave him out of it. Cortland didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve already settled my beef with him.”
Janice smiled. “I’m glad you worked it out.”
“I don’t think it’s over,” I said honestly.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, he wants to be alone. He doesn’t want to talk to me or see me.”
“How long?” Ryan asked.
“I don’t know. A week, maybe more. What if he realizes he can’t get past what I did?”
“He will, Scar,” Ryan said. “That guy loves you more than anything. Besides, your crime wasn’t that bad.”
“When we were at his parents’ house I made a big deal about him not telling me everything. Now I’m caught doing the same thing to him. It just makes this situation a million times worse.”
Janice looked at me. “As long as he loves you, he’ll move past it.”
“And what if he falls out of love when we’re apart?” I asked.
“I really don’t think that’s going to happen,” Ryan said. “He wouldn’t have given you back that ring if he thought otherwise. The guy just needs some space, that’s all. He’ll come around, Scar. And you don’t have to worry about him sleeping around. He said he wouldn’t.”
I nodded. “Sean wouldn’t do that.”
Ryan shook his head. “No, he wouldn’t. It’ll be okay.”
I sighed. “I just wish I could talk to him.”
“Don’t,” Janice said. “Let him be.”
“That’s so hard,” I said. “Imagine not talking to Ryan for a week or more.”
She cringed. “That sounds horrific.”
“Or not having sex,” I added.
“I don’t care how pissed Ryan is. We have sex no matter what.”
“Really?” I asked.
She nodded. “But we’ve never had a huge fight like you two. We mainly argue about stupid things like what to watch on television, where to eat dinner, and stuff like that.”
I sighed. “That sounds nice.”
“You and Sean will get back together. I promise,” Janice said.
“I hope so,” I said.
Ryan looked at me. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Well, what about Cortland?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Sean isn’t going to let me see him anymore. And I can’t cut a friend from your life, Ryan. I would have to stop seeing you.”
“Don’t worry about that, Scar,” my brother said. “Sean would never do that to you.”
I shook my head. “You obviously forgot how pissed he was.”
Ryan took a bite of his cereal. “I didn’t say anything about him not being pissed. I just know he would never put you in that situation. Sean understands how important I am to you. He might be a little possessive with you when he’s around Cortland, but he wouldn’t ask you to stop seeing him. He knows how important this family is to you.”
I played with the spoon and stirred my cereal. “I hope you’re right.”
“Let’s do something later to get your mind off of it,” Janice said.
I took a bite of my cereal. “I don’t want to go out.”
“We can just go to a bar, order some hot wings, and watch a game,” she said.
“We can do that here.”
Ryan laughed. “Come on, Scar. It’ll be fun. I love watching you yell at the television when other people are around.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m just enthusiastic.”
“So you’ll come?” Janice asked.
“I guess,” I said. “As long as it’s at a sports bar. Not one of those places where men are on the prowl.”
Ryan laughed. “You seem to think you’re more attractive than you really are.”
When my brother started to tease me, I knew he thought I was feeling better. I decided to play along. “Excuse me? I’m a hot piece of ass. And if I’m ugly, what does that make you, brother?”
Ryan smiled. “I didn’t say you were ugly, but I don’t think guys are immediately on the prowl when they’re around you.”
“Well, I’m your sister. That’s why you don’t notice.”
He shrugged. “Maybe, but I doubt it.”
Janice pinched his stomach. “Don’t be mean to your baby sister.”
“I’m not.” He laughed. “I’m just telling her the truth.” He rose from the table and dumped his bowl in the sink. After kissing Janice goodbye, he left for work.
I looked at Janice. “How are things between you?”
“Wonderful.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “I’m so glad I moved here for him. I’ve never been happier.”
“That makes me really happy.”
“And I don’t think I’m going to find my own place.”
“I don’t see why you should. If everything is great between you, then there’s no reason to pay rent at two different places.”
“He does like to have sex all the time.”
“What guy doesn’t?” I laughed.
“I’m serious. He needs it in the morning, when he gets home from work, and then before bed. His orgasms are like clockwork.” She paused for a moment and made an awkward face. “Is this weird for you? It must be.”
“It really doesn’t bother me. My brother and I are really close.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“He showed me how to put in my first tampon.”
She almost knocked over her bowl. “What?”
“He did a demonstration—he didn’t do anything to me. There are no secrets between us. I know it’s odd, but that’s just how we are. He knows a lot about my personal life. I told him when I lost my virginity, the first time I had an orgasm, and he helped me pick out my first birth control.”
She still looked shocked. “I guess this will take some time to get used to.”
I laughed. “Yeah. So what were you saying?”
“He just likes to have sex a lot. That’s all.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Not with him.”
“Does he make you come every time?”
“Pretty mu
ch,” Janice said. “I can tell he has a lot of experience.”
I looked down at my bowl and ate another bite. I didn’t know how much she knew about my brother’s sexual escapades. I wouldn’t reveal my brother’s secrets.
“Sometimes it bothers me how much of a slut he is.”
“Used to be. He isn’t like that anymore.”
“It still gets under my skin every now and then.”
“You aren’t so sweet and innocent.”
She laughed. “No, definitely not, but he’s pretty over the top.”
“Sean rivals his number of sexual transgressions.”
“Yes, he’s very experienced too.”
It became awkward. Sometimes I forgot that she slept with my fiancé. I tried to forget about it because all it did was cause me pain, but I knew I couldn’t be mad at either of them. They did nothing wrong.
“You know what I don’t get?” Janice said.
“What?”
“Sean slept with me, your friend, and he isn’t taking any heat for it.”
“Those situations are totally different. It isn’t about Cortland. My evasion of the truth is what upset him. Sean never lied or tried to hide his—encounter—with you. He was always honest.”
She shrugged. “I still think he’s being too harsh.”
“I don’t,” I said. “And we still haven’t resolved the wedding issue. I guess it’s irrelevant now since we are barely together as it is.” I felt my heart convulse in pain. The idea of losing Sean was unbearable.
She placed her hand on top of mine. “You’ll work it out. That man loves you too much.”
“I hope so,” I said. “Are you ever going to tell Ryan about Sean? Maybe you should be proactive about it. You’ve seen what’s happened to me because of it.”
“If I tell him he’ll be mad at you.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s always mad at me.”
“I’m being serious, Scar. He’ll be upset that you didn’t tell him.”
I shook my head. “I don’t see why. He didn’t even know you when you slept with Sean. How can he be mad?”
“Well, now he’s madly in love with me,” she said. “Knowing that I see Sean every day might change things.”
“All the more reason not to tell him.”
“I don’t know what to do.” She sighed. “I would rather keep it from him, but I’m afraid he’ll find out some other way and the consequences will be worse.”