“You are truly something,” he said. “So beautiful and open.”
“Don’t try the charm on me, Willard Gabert. It won’t work.”
He stepped closer and regarded her with a steady gaze. “So what do you think of me?”
She didn’t flinch. “You are different from Josiah. You are stronger at the core. You seem encircled with a halo of pain and sorrow, but you are tender and determined at the same time. You are a man I can love with my whole heart. Why should I walk away from that? Answer me that question.”
Tears were bright in his eyes. “I will not try, Mary. You are beyond me.”
She took both of his hands in hers. “Don’t underestimate yourself, Willard. Look at what you already faced in Kenya. The dark night you have suffered. You have walked on when you had every reason in the world to turn back. You have loved when there was no hope. You have given when you had nothing for yourself. I see a man, a tower of strength and courage, whom I can follow and trust. I don’t promise, Willard. I’m telling you what is true. With you, I feel as if I have come home and found the key to the door.”
“Whew…” he said. “Isn’t that a little too much?”
“You will take me to Kenya, then?” She pled with her eyes.
“Mary!” he scolded. “Don’t look at me like that. Of course I will take you. I am the one who should be on my knees begging you to come.”
“You should not!” She tilted her head toward him.
“Are we going to argue all day up here?”
“Only if you insist.”
“Then I surrender. You are coming to Kenya with me.”
She reached for him and pulled him close. His gaze lingered on her face until he lowered his head and their lips met. They clung to each other under the whisper of the wind in the trees.
“Passing grade?” She peered up at him.
“You are asking me?”
Her smile was crooked. “You have never kissed an Amish girl before.”
“You hope,” he said.
“Willard!” Horror filled her voice. “Stop teasing me.”
“I don’t deserve a woman like you, Mary.” He laughed. “I already told you that.”
“How will I know when it’s time to go to Kenya?”
He held her at arm’s length to gaze into her face. “You can stop in at Grandma’s, or I can come to the co-op when it’s time. Either way, we’ll stay in close touch.”
“Yah, we will,” she whispered. “Oh, Willard.”
“To the future, then. To Kenya and to beyond. To what lies on the horizon for us.”
“Yah,” she said. “To our love.”
He took her hand, and they walked down the hill, pausing to look back at the massive entrance pillars, their gazes turning and lingering on each other.
THIRTY-THREE
Mary stood in front of the flickering light of the kerosene lamp set on top of her dresser and put the last pins into her dress. She took a deep breath when a knock sounded on the bedroom door.
“Come in.”
Betsy’s face appeared. “We have to talk. Gerald’s not up yet.”
Mary nodded. She had expected Betsy’s early morning visit. There had been no opportunity to speak in private before bedtime last night.
“Tell me what happened yesterday.” Betsy came closer, her voice a whisper.
Mary composed herself for a moment. Her plan to defy the community’s guidance was the right choice, but she had never walked this road before.
“What, Mary?” Betsy reached out her hand. “Did you do something terrible?”
Mary shook her head. “Will you come to Kenya with me?”
“Kenya!” Betsy’s hand dropped. “You want me to move to Kenya with you?”
“No, to visit,” Mary corrected. “Willard has agreed that I can visit so we can be sure this is the right choice for him and for me.”
Betsy sat on the bed and fanned herself, speechless for a moment.
“You will come with me, won’t you?” Mary turned to face her.
“Yah, of course.” Betsy continued to wave her hand. “I’m collecting myself, that’s all. So you are doing this! Finally. I…I never quite thought the day would come. Still…”
“I know how strange this is.” Mary seated herself beside her sister. “Almost like a dream, and yet it’s going to happen. You were right, Betsy. Willard and I were made for each other. Our hearts have walked much of the same road through life. Well, not exactly, but we have both suffered.”
Mary paused, and Betsy waited for more information. Mary took a deep breath and continued. “Willard told me the story yesterday of how he lost his parents when he was ten years old, and about being abandoned by his girlfriend, Carlene, which was even more painful than what I experienced with Josiah. Yet the man continued with his duties on the mission field. He is a strong man, Betsy, a survivor who is full of faith. I cannot walk away from him, whatever the cost. I would regret my decision the rest of my life.”
“I know,” Betsy agreed, “but I wouldn’t try this spiel with Mamm. Just warning you. Better that you leave quickly and not come back.”
Mary paled. “I can’t do that. There must be some way to explain. A visit to Kenya makes perfect sense to me.”
Betsy shook her head. “It’s not going to work. I would simply disappear if I were you.”
“But I have to visit there first. Willard and I agreed to that. I can’t push him into a decision before the trip, and neither will I be pushed into one without being certain that I am right.”
Betsy shrugged. “You know I don’t object to a trip with you—anywhere, in fact. Of course I’ll go.”
“Thanks. That’s the first step, I guess. I’ll have to feel my way from there.”
“I’ll support you, but this will not be easy.”
“If only Mamm and Daett could listen to Willard the way I have…”
Betsy grunted. “That will never happen, but you can try to tell them what Willard is like. Maybe I’m wrong that they won’t listen. But if you have to explain, it’s only going to get worse the longer you wait.”
Mary nodded. The moment had arrived. She forced herself to stand and followed Betsy out into the hallway.
Gerald greeted them with a suspicious look from his bedroom doorway. “What have you two got up your sleeve? I heard whispering in your bedroom, Mary.”
“You had best come and hear this,” Betsy informed him. “Hopefully Daett hasn’t left for the barn.”
“What have you done now, Betsy?” Gerald glared at her.
“Just come,” Betsy told him from halfway down the stairs.
Mary waited until Gerald had passed her. That he didn’t suspect her cut deep. That was about to change, and she would never be the same.
“Daett!” Betsy called ahead of them. “Come into the kitchen, please.”
“Why the kitchen?” Daett asked. “Have you already burned the toast?” His laugher rumbled as he placed his winter coat near the woodstove.
Mary couldn’t hear Betsy’s answer, but Daett was seated on a kitchen chair when she walked in. No trace of teasing was left on his face. Daett must have picked up the seriousness of the situation.
Gerald parked himself by the stove and rubbed his hands together. “Why do I have to listen to this female drama? Did Betsy’s boyfriend already dump her? What’s wrong with my sisters that they can’t keep their men?”
Betsy ignored him to glance at Mamm, who stood near the kitchen sink. “Perhaps you should sit down.”
Mamm turned pale but didn’t move.
“What is this?” Daett demanded. “You had best speak quickly, Betsy. If you have plans to reject Ronald Troyer and jump the—”
“It’s about Mary, Daett,” Betsy interrupted.
“Mary!” Daett and Mamm exclaimed together.
Gerald appeared incredulous. “What has she done?”
“That’s what we’re here for,” Betsy said. “If you would calm down and listen and not
get too excited, we can explain this. At least we can try.”
Mary tried to breathe. How could Betsy be so bold in the face of Mamm and Daett’s disapproval? Years of threatening to jump the fence must have hardened Betsy to this kind of confrontation.
The room spun as Mary forced the words out. “I need to make a trip over to Kenya with Betsy and Mrs. Gabert’s grandson, Willard.”
Daett appeared puzzled. “I know you have been involved with the man’s charity projects, daughter, but a trip over to Kenya? Do you think that is wise? It might seem as if you are taking things too far even with your interest in missions.”
“I want…I want to…” Mary ran out of breath.
Betsy jumped in. “Willard is a very nice man. He’s honorable, noble, cares about suffering people, and has suffered himself. You should think about that.”
Daett’s puzzlement had only increased, and Mamm had yet to make a sound. Mamm knew, somehow, how serious this was.
“Willard is a wunderbah man,” Betsy insisted. “Give Mary time, and she can tell you firsthand.”
“Mary?” Daett turned toward her. “What is this about?”
Mary kept her gaze on the kitchen floor. “I have to make a trip to Kenya so I can be sure, so Willard can be sure, that we are doing the right thing. Because we…because I care about the man a lot. Much more than I was willing to admit for some time, and now I must face the truth. I am…we may…” Mary gave up. She couldn’t say the words.
Daett leaned forward in his chair. “You are what, Mary?”
“She has feelings for the man!” Gerald’s incredulous voice filled the gap. “Now I have heard everything. I will bury my head in the barnyard mud and wear sackcloth and ashes at the next Sunday service.”
“At least Mary is not marrying him without first testing the waters,” Betsy chirped.
Daett and Mamm stared at her in stunned silence.
Mary struggled to speak. “I know this is a shock, and I am to blame for not saying something sooner, but I wasn’t certain myself. I had plenty of doubts, and I resisted the temptation for a long time before—”
“You are jumping the fence.” Gerald couldn’t recover. “My sister Mary. Have you thought of our family’s reputation? Betsy was bad enough, but she was always this way.”
Daett was on his feet. “What has gotten into you, Mary? We’ve lived for years with Betsy’s talk on this subject, but thank the Lord that’s all it was—talk. With you, we…” He shook his head.
“Are you really going to do this?” Mamm whimpered from the kitchen sink.
“Mary wants to visit Kenya so she can find out for sure whether this decision is right for her,” Betsy offered. “Isn’t that a sensible thing to do? I think it is.”
“Nothing is sensible about this!” Daett bellowed. “How has this been going on under our noses?” Daett turned to face Mamm. “Have you known about this, Mandy?”
Tears sprang to Mamm’s eyes. “I have many faults, Kenneth, as you know. One of them is not noticing things. I should have, but I didn’t.”
Mary spoke up. “Mamm is not to blame. I am the only one to blame, Daett, and I’ve tried to explain my reasoning. At first I saw this as a temptation and not from the Lord, but then I came to realize—”
“This is a temptation!” Daett declared in no uncertain terms. “This has always been a temptation. You had the goot sense to see that at first, so what changed your mind? Did your broken heart overcome you? Or did you pity Stephen Overholt and think you had to marry him? But that makes no sense. I heard that Stephen has patched things up with Millie Zook.”
“I know that,” Mary said. “Stephen has nothing to do with this. He has been supportive of me and Willard, but I made up my own mind.”
“Stephen told you this is of the Lord?” Daett half rose from his chair. “How many times has the man thought the Lord had given him a certain woman? No doubt he tried the same trick on you. Stephen thinks everything is from the Lord. Why did you believe him about Willard when you didn’t understand his own desire to wed you? The man is seriously confused.”
Mary kept her voice steady. “I know how this appears, but I came to my own conclusion on the matter. I believe I am called to stand beside Willard as his frau and to work with him in his mission. I…I love the man and everything about him.”
“The woman has lost her mind!” Daett declared. “As the Scripture says, much sorrow has cooked her brains.”
Gerald choked back a laugh. “I don’t think that’s in the Scriptures.”
Daett glared at him. “You can laugh at a moment like this?”
“Sorry,” Gerald muttered. “I was overcome, but who wouldn’t be with what Mary is doing?”
Daett threw his hands in the air. “It looks to me as if some other people in the house have been overcome. This is beyond me. I have chores to do, and you women have breakfast to make. Let’s get those things done, and then I’ll go to pick up Mose. The deacon will know what words must be spoken in a time like this.”
The mudroom door slammed as Daett left, with Gerald trailing close behind him.
Betsy began to follow the men. “Are you two okay without me in the kitchen? I really should help the men with the chores.”
Mamm nodded, and Betsy left.
Mary forced herself to walk over to the stove.
Mamm’s gaze followed her. “Now that we are alone, would you mind telling me what is going on, Mary?”
“I don’t think anything I can say will help, Mamm.”
She lit the fire in the stove, her fingers numb.
“What have I done to bring this about?” Mamm asked. “My prayers and focus were on Betsy and her problems. Now, when the battle seems won, you give in to temptation. If I failed you, I am sorry, Mary. I should have prayed for you more after Josiah broke off your relationship. I thought you were doing so well.”
“It’s not your fault,” Mary whispered. “I don’t think anyone is to blame. What is to be, will be. The Lord’s will cannot be argued with.”
“You would blame this on the Lord?” Horror filled Mamm’s voice.
Tears stung Mary’s eyes. “No, I blame myself. Is that what you want to hear? If there is blame, there must be a mistake, but I don’t think I’ve made one. I see clearer every passing hour—and yet of course, I could be wrong. That’s why I’m going to Kenya, Mamm, for Willard’s sake and for my own. He doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken the second time. Not when he dared love again after the pain he’s been through. Can’t you see how clearly the light is shining on this path? I know that Willard and I do not come from the same world, but I believe we were made for each other. Willard is the man of my dreams. He fulfills them perfectly, beyond what I would have imagined possible. His heart is tender yet strong. He is brave, can stand terrible storms, and yet guide me and our kinner—if the Lord should give us any—with a kind and steady touch. Please try to understand.”
“Your sorrows have affected you,” Mamm whispered. “I should have known better than to allow you to write poems. I thought poetry harmless, but I was so wrong. Fantasies are dangerous things. They give us wrong ideas. The soul is puffed up with great words and floods of emotion. Maybe that’s what Josiah saw in you that scared him away. I have always wondered what it was.”
Mary’s eyes burned from crying. “I never showed Josiah my poems, Mamm. How can you say that?”
“Men know,” Mamm insisted. “Just as women know. How could you suddenly take this turn, Mary? Nothing happens suddenly. Josiah must have seen what you were capable of and was simply unable to explain himself.”
“I’m not going to argue with you,” Mary replied. “Maybe I have always been flawed. Maybe I never should have dreamed, but I did. Now I love a man, and I can’t go back…unless I am wrong. That’s what the Kenya trip will show me.”
Mamm clutched the countertop to steady herself.
“I’ll fix breakfast,” Mary told her. “I’ll work fast, and it will be ready by the tim
e the men come in. Just sit down.”
Mamm hesitated before she took a chair. She stared at Mary. “You were always such a sweet baby, the easiest one of the family to care for at night. I don’t think you once had colic. I had you out of diapers right after your first birthday, more because of you than me. You came to me and made yourself understood long before you could speak a sentence. You’ve always been that way, Mary. What happened?”
Mary finished laying bacon strips in the pan before she answered. “I don’t know, Mamm. I would rather not talk about this.”
“You know that’s not going to happen,” Mamm told her. “Deacon Stoltzfus will want a full explanation, and the community will want to know. They deserve to be told why you are breaking your baptismal vows.”
“Guilt is not going to work on me, Mamm. I’ve already been over those points.” Mary turned the bacon pieces over with a fork, and the sizzle from the pan rose higher.
“I ask because I want to know,” Mamm said. “No one is trying to make you feel guilty.”
“Okay. I’ll try to explain. This is how I feel. I think the Lord has opened the door for me to true love this time. To a cause and a man I can give my whole heart to without reservations. My experience with Josiah appears foolish now, as if I were imagining a world that didn’t exist. If you want to know the truth, that’s what Josiah must have sensed. He never showed the slightest interest in my poetry, Mamm. Not that I thought he should have, but looking back, I think a man should appreciate what his frau can do. At least he should know about what makes her who she is. I had planned to show Josiah my poems once we were married, but I think he would have broken my heart. With Willard, he knew more about me in the first few days than Josiah learned in the years we dated.”
Mamm had paled. “So this was going on from the first, but I was just too blind to see? Those quilts the community made for you, Mary…You knew all that time and were deceiving everyone?”
Mary removed the bacon and then cracked the eggs into the pan. “Why do you accuse me of deceiving people, Mamm? That’s the worst thing you could say.”
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