It’s one of the packs I used on Rainen’s. It’s about a hundred and fifty strong. You need to disappear.
He was right. Jasper nodded and grabbed his pack. “Everyone clear out!”
I watched as Luke tried to pull Mel away from Trent’s final resting place.
“Mel, Love, we have to go. Dying won’t help.”
“I can’t leave him.”
My throat tightened. “Mel… I… I know this is probably not anything like what you’re feeling right now, but I think I might know a bit how you feel.” She looked up at me and frowned. “You see, just before Jasper and I crossed back over here in the spring, well, I found out I was pregnant.”
Mel glanced to my belly and I shook my head.
“When I was trying to save Damian I died. Emelly was able to bring me back, but the baby didn’t make it.” I had to clear my throat as the memories flashed through my head.
“Oh, Hayden. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged. “Some of it was because there was no point. I didn’t want to bring it up. It was also because… well, I was ashamed that I had lived and it hadn’t. I feel selfish for thinking of this stupid war when I should have been thinking about what was best for it. Everyone tried to convince me either to stay in the other world or to just come home and wait until it was born, but I didn’t listen. It’s my fault it died.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“Not exactly how it would happen, no, but I should have known it would.” I put a hand on her arm. “I can’t change what I did and didn’t do, Mel, and for that reason I will always wonder what would have happened had I done things differently. The only thing I can do is make sure we win this war so that it didn’t die for nothing.” I looked into her dark brown eyes. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
She took a deep breath and nodded. “We’ll make sure neither of them died for nothing.”
I gave her a sad smile. “Come. We have to get moving.”
Mel kissed her hand and placed it on the fresh grave. “I love you, Trent.” She took a deep breath, stood and shifted before trotting to where Luke was sitting, waiting for her. He licked the end of her nose. I turned and ran into Jasper’s chest. His eyes were the saddest I’d ever seen them.
“You kept all of that from me?”
I felt the blood rise to my face and I shrugged. “Let’s go. I don’t feel like burying anyone else today.”
He frowned but didn’t push the issue as I ran to Dodge and swung on. We all loped off to catch up with the others.
*****
I got our blankets ready for the night and watched as Jasper instructed a blue bird to deliver our location to Damian and the others. He glanced to where Luke and Mel lay together. Luke smoothed her hair while she sobbed quietly into his chest. Jasper’s shoulders slumped and he ran a hand over his face before turning away. I expected him to come to bed but found that I wasn’t very surprised when he walked in the opposite direction toward the creek. I struggled with my options. Should I go to him? Maybe he wanted time alone. I’d have given anything to be able to read his feelings.
He can’t always be the strong one, my love.
I frowned. “What are you, my marriage counselor?” I whispered.
Your what?
“Never mind. I know. I just… this is going to open up a can of worms I thought I’d be able to put behind us.” I stood. “Do me a favor, would you? Try not to listen. This is between me and him.”
The moons were hidden behind the clouds and I tripped a few times in the darkness trying to get to the creek. I found Jasper sitting on a fallen tree facing the water.
“It’s a good thing this mission isn’t dependent on stealth, Shlova. I think Dodge can walk through bush more quietly than you just did.”
I frowned. “Are you being mean or funny?”
He blew out of his nose. “Am I ever mean to you, Hayden?” He sounded so tired.
I put a hand on his shoulder. “No. Never.”
He put a hand over mine. “Why did you never tell me how you felt? It’s not like I never asked.” He reached back with his other hand and I gave him my other one as well. “Do you think I blame you?”
I tried to step away from him but he refused to let go. It had been that one question I had been avoiding all these months. One can of worms coming right up, I thought to myself. I took a deep breath. “Don’t you blame me, Jasper? How can you not? Doesn’t some little part of you ever think, ‘well if she just would have listened to me, I’d be well on my way to being a dad’? I mean, come on, Hun. How many different scenarios did you give me to try and get me to pick one? But I didn’t, did I? I just went ahead and did my own thing just like I always do. You never think that if I wasn’t so fucking stubborn it never would have died?” I closed my eyes and got ready to be yelled at, got ready to hear that yes, deep down he did blame me, did hate me a little for what had happened.
He shook his head. “By the moons, Hayden, have you been going through each day for the past few months thinking I was mad at you?” He took a deep breath. “How can I blame you when this was just as much my fault as yours?”
“How in the world was this your fault? You tried to talk me out of it, remember?”
He nodded. “I do. I also remember not making you stay there. I never told you you couldn’t come, I never said I refused to cross over until it was born… I could have given you no option at all and we’d still be there well on our way to being parents.” He let go of one of my hands and pulled me around so that I was facing him. I stared at the ground between us and swallowed hard.
“This wasn’t your fault,” I whispered.
He pulled me closer to him. “And it wasn’t yours.”
“Why are you so nice? Why couldn’t you just freak out and yell at me every once in a while?”
He tilted my head up so I was looking at him and he smiled. “I’ve thought about it once or twice.”
I frowned. “So why haven’t you?”
He shrugged. “It wouldn’t make a difference anyway. If you have your mind made up, it wouldn’t matter how I tried telling you something.” He tucked my hair behind my ears. “You’re stubborn that way.”
I started to object and he silenced me with a kiss. I remembered what Ternach had said about Jasper always being the strong one. Somehow, here he was once again making me feel better. I looked into his eyes and put my hands on his face.
“How are you doing?” I ran my thumb over his cheek and traced the scar there. He shrugged. “No, really, tell me.”
“I’m alright.” He tried to look away and I held him in place. He swallowed hard. “Really, I’m fine.”
“Jasper, I know how close you were to those boys. I know how important family is to you. Don’t tell me you’re fine.”
He closed his eyes and my throat closed at the sight of the tears that rolled onto my hands. I sat beside him on the log then pulled his head to my chest.
“Oh, god, Hayden.” All of his strength seemed to leave him and he slipped off of the log onto his knees. I maneuvered him around so that his head was in my lap. I smoothed his hair. His arms wrapped around my waist and he clung to me, his sobs raking through his body. I managed to keep mine from exploding out of my chest but my tears won the battle and slid down my face. I stayed quiet and just let him get it out.
We stayed in this position until well after he had stopped crying. Neither one of us said anything. I played with his curls and noticed how the few silver hairs that were appearing shone as the clouds moved away from the moons. I leaned over and kissed the side of his face softly. He opened his eyes and straightened, used the side of his tunic to wipe his face then pulled me off of the log to his chest. His lips pressed against my forehead and he took a deep breath.
“I love you.” His voice was hoarse from crying but had lost the half dead sound it had carried a half hour before. I brushed some stray curls out of his eyes.
“I love you, too.”
> “I’m sorry.”
“About what?” I frowned.
“About trying to get you away without your knowing.” He looked so embarrassed I had to smile.
“It’s alright. I understand.” I wasn’t lying. I wanted nothing more than to lock him in a cave until this was done.
He grinned sheepishly. “How did you convince Dodge to bring you back?”
“I told him that if I felt him turn away from where we were supposed to be going that I was going to jump off of him no matter how high up we were.”
His eyes widened. “Would you have?”
I laughed. “At that very moment, yes. Now, I’m not so sure. I could have caught myself with a grey wave I suppose, but you know how much luck I have with that.”
He laughed and I warmed at the sound of it. I kissed him softly. The night was cooling off quickly and I snuggled into him, enjoying how warm he was.
“Are you getting cold?” He chuckled at my raised eyebrow. “Alright, then, let’s go to bed, Shlova.” He stood and pulled me up. I didn’t argue.
*****
I was pulled from my sleep as I felt Jasper get up and tuck the blankets around me to trap in the heat. He sensed that I wasn’t asleep and gave my shoulder a squeeze to reassure me everything was alright. It was still dark but the moons were bright and I could see all of the packs that surrounded ours. It had been almost two weeks since the battle that had taken Trent from us. The thought of my nephew tightened my throat and I took a deep breath. Jasper glanced back at the feeling and I smiled to show I was alright. I watched him walk toward another figure that was leaning against a tree. From the hunched shoulders I could tell it was Luke. To see my brother-in-law in the daytime you would never have guessed he’d just lost a son. He was alert, full of energy…normal. Well, except for the sadness that replaced the usual mischievous look in his deep brown eyes. The only time he looked as though he’d been affected was at night when he thought no one was looking. Every night, he’d hold Mel until she slept. Once he was sure she was sound asleep he would get up and find a place without too many beings around where he would go sit by himself. More than once I’d felt Jasper tense behind me as if he was about to get up. Each time he would simply lay still.
Jasper quietly made his way to his brother’s side and sat down. Luke jerked, obviously startled out of his thoughts. I watched as my mate put a hand on his shoulder. Luke nodded. The two of them sat and looked to the north. If they were talking it was too quietly for me to make out any words. I snuggled back into my blankets.
Is everything alright, my love? Ternach’s voice was just a sleepy whisper in my head.
“Everything’s fine.” I made sure to whisper so I wouldn’t wake anyone. “Jasper got up to see how Luke was doing and it woke me up.”
Alright. Nothing’s changed for tomorrow?
“No. So long as there are no interruptions, the winged ones will fly some beings over the river while others take the bridge and the magic wielders that can displace will speed things along as well. It will save time that way.” I felt the butterflies start to bump into each other in my stomach. “God, Ternach, will it work? What if they’re hiding on the other side just waiting for us? I just… I have a real bad feeling about this.” I’d argued with Jasper and the rest of our friends over the sanity of our plan. I didn’t like it and I’d told them so, but I’d had no facts to base my feeling on, not even a dream, and I’d been overruled. We had to get across the river; that was all there was to it, and this was the quickest way we were going to be able to do so.
It’s probably just a bad feeling because you’ll be closer to Paradin. I’ve been on the other side, Hayden. There’s no one there. For one thing, they can’t see the bridge therefore they have no idea where you’ll be crossing. I’ll jump over first thing in the morning and make sure it’s clear before you start.
He still refused to stay with us even with Rainen’s promise not to try and kill him, but he was keeping close to us except for when he would scout ahead to make sure the coast was clear. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself.
“Alright, but you make sure you’re careful.” For as much as I hated to admit it to myself, I was starting to grow fond of the immortal.
He chuckled. My love, all I’ll have to do if I’m spotted is turn into a rock man then state who I am and the humans will be falling over themselves trying to get away.
I smiled. He was probably right.
Feel better?
“I do. Thank you.”
I heard him yawn. Alright, well then, if you don’t mind, I’m going back to sleep.
“Ternach?”
Hmmm?
“Any luck thinking of a solution for our situation once we reach Paradin?”
Not yet, my love, not yet. Don’t you worry, though, I will.
I felt him fall back asleep and all of the worry he had managed to talk me out of came flooding back. Something was wrong. I just knew it. I’d never had a feeling this strong before. So what could it be? If Ternach said the coast was clear, what was it that I was so uneasy about? Could it be that even though I was truly starting to like the man that I still didn’t trust him? He seemed sincere with his help and had managed to give us enough warning twice so we’d had time to avoid packs we would otherwise have had to fight. It had gotten to the point where even Rainen had asked what he thought of our plan to cross the river. Of course, maybe he was just keeping me close until he had to kill me.
I took a deep breath. No. I didn’t think Ternach wanted to kill me. He’d had plenty of opportunity to do so in the past little while. I jumped as the blankets behind me moved then relaxed as the familiar feel of Jasper’s hand settled on my waist.
“You’re still not happy about tomorrow?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t feel right.”
“You know I’m usually with you on these things, but we have to get over that river. The fact that we’re going to try and take out the prisoner’s camp before we head to Paradin is going to take us an extra day in our travels. If we’re late, we’re leaving Melana to fight alone.”
“I know, I know, I just…I can’t shake this feeling.” I tried to place it again. Nothing.
“Braw can’t afford to send all of his men out to fight. He knows we’re coming by now and will be concentrating on guarding the keep.”
“Ok, ok. I know. I’m probably just nervous.” I moved back so that I was right up against him. “How’s Luke?”
“Hurting.” He took a deep breath. “That and he’s worried about Mel; that she’ll get herself hurt or worse when we get there.”
I didn’t say anything. I had been thinking the same thing just a few hours prior when I’d been watching my sister-in-law eat her supper. The half dead look in her eyes wasn’t improving at all. She moved as though she was on autopilot and if she smiled it was a weak excuse for a try.
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
“It might help.” We both looked to where Luke had been sitting. He was still there, a dark hunched form sitting against a tree. I got up and he looked in my direction as I made my way toward him. He smiled and patted the ground beside him. The breeze picked up which caused me to shiver. His arm went around my shoulders and he pulled me against him. He chuckled.
“How do you get so cold?”
I shrugged. “How do you stay so warm?” We were quiet for a moment. I looked up and brushed some of the dark bangs that were in his face so that I could see his eyes. “How are you doing?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m alright.” He smiled sadly when I started to object. “Shush now. Do you want me to talk or not?”
I nodded and leaned against him.
“I’m not lying, Hayden. I am fine. I’m sad, though that’s not even close to accurate. By the moons, I miss him.” His voice caught in his throat and I felt mine tighten at the sound. “I’m worried about Tyler; that maybe he’s hurt or won’t make it home. Losing one is…” He swallowed hard. “But losing b
oth…” A tear streaked down his face and he wiped at it with his free arm. “And then there’s Mel.” He glanced to where his mate was sleeping. “It’s almost like she’s not here. I just…it feels like I’ve lost her too.” The tears were flowing freely now and he let go of me so he could bury his face in his arms. I knelt and wrapped my arms around him. He seemed about to pull away then gave in to the pressure and leaned into me. I smoothed his hair and let him cry just as I had done with his brother.
“You haven’t lost me, Luke.” Mel’s eyes were wide and filled with tears. I wasn’t sure what I saw in them, but guilt and fear seemed to be the most prominent. She knelt and took him from me. “By the moons, Luke, I’m sorry.”
I squeezed her shoulder as I stood. She looked at me and smiled and for the first time since Trent had been killed, the feeling reached her eyes. I gave them each a kiss on the head and made my way back to my mate. He was lying on his stomach, watching.
He waited until I was back under the covers. “What did Luke say? Mel was lying still and then it was like she’d been bit by something.”
“He said he felt like he’d lost her as well.” We watched as they made their way back to their blankets. Luke pulled her to his chest and kissed her tenderly. She ran a hand through his hair before kissing him again and settling against him.
I felt Jasper relax beside me and I turned so I could hold him. “Get some sleep.”
He pulled back so he could look at me and raised an eyebrow. “That’s my line.”
I kissed him softly then looked up as two leopards made their way toward us. I smiled. “Coast is clear?”
Emelly and Matthew shifted. He nodded. “So far. Cassandra and Peter just relieved us.”
Emelly grinned. “Those two are so cute together.” I had to agree.
Matthew took her hand. “We’ll see you in the morning.”
“Good night.” I snuggled back into Jasper. “I don’t think I can sleep.”
“Me neither.” We moved around so that I was lying with my back to him and he pulled me close. It turned out we were both wrong.
Destiny (The Chosen One Trilogy:Book Three) Page 27