I sighed and took a drink from my bottle. “I think I figured out that there are some incomparable people who come into your world, and when you try to hold anyone else up to them, it’s bound to be a failure. It’s going to leave someone hurt in the end.”
My dad cocked his head to the side and stared at me. “How many times did you end up limping off the field after taking a hit that would land most kids in the ICU?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “More than I can count.”
He tilted the top of the beer bottle in my direction. “Exactly. You play knowing there’s a chance you or someone else might get hurt. That’s just part of the game. It’s also part of life. You keep playing until you win, even if it hurts sometimes.”
I was quiet for a minute because I was a little pissed he used a football analogy on me. That was my trick, but somehow he did it better than I did.
I sighed again and put the half-empty beer down in front of me. I was already tired, but now I felt exhaustion creep in. “Aston is a good girl. We’ve been friends for a long time. She deserved better from me. I didn’t start our relationship for the right reasons.”
“Maybe. But you treated her well when you were together, and you now know she ended it for the right reasons. Because you were friends, you should be able to have an honest conversation about those reasons.” My dad reached out a tattooed hand and clapped me on the back of the neck. He gave it a little squeeze and told me, “I might not understand where your head is half the time, Ry, but I know without a doubt you are not the kind of man who breaks something and doesn’t do his best to put it back together. You’re just like your Uncle Remy in that way. He was always trying to fix everything, no matter who did the damage.”
I flinched a little at the comparison, but he must’ve felt the knee-jerk reaction. He shifted his hold to my shoulder and turned me to face him.
“What’s wrong? I know you don’t know much about my twin brother other than what we’ve told you, but believe me when I tell you that you have all his best parts in you.”
I closed my eyes and let my head fall again. It was heavy, being the living, breathing memorial of a man who meant so much to so many.
“When I was in Austin, I was trying to figure out who I am. I’ve spent my whole life being compared to someone who isn’t alive. I think everything I do, everything I’ve done, is to make sure I live up to Uncle Remy’s memory in your eyes. Everyone always tells me how great Uncle Remy was and how much I’m like him. Those shoes are so hard to fill. The expectations have taken a toll on me; I think they may have made me lose sight of who I want to be, of what kind of man I want to become.”
My dad let his hand fall away, and his expression turned to one of absolute horror. “Fuck me. That’s…” he trailed off, turning very pale. His hands tightened into fists on the counter, and I thought I might have to catch him because he looked like he was going to pass out. “That’s the last thing I would ever want for you, Ry. I grew up constantly being compared to my brothers, and I always came up lacking next to both. It was terrible. It made me angry and turned me into a total defiant asshole. It also made me treat both your uncles, and your mother, like shit. I hated that my parents and everyone else in my life did it without question. I had no idea you felt like we were doing the same thing to you.” He swore softly, and I could see the genuine distress in his light eyes.
I should’ve spoken up sooner. He might be the only one who understood exactly what I was going through. I reached out and pulled him into a loose hug because he really looked like he needed one. “It’s okay, Dad. It took spending time with someone who has always seen me for exactly who I really am for me to figure out why I always felt like I was living someone else’s life.”
“I appreciate you saying that, son, but that doesn’t mean your mom and I didn’t drop the ball along the way. We should’ve done better. I should’ve seen you were hurting instead of focusing on why I never quite understood you.”
I let him go and took a step backward. “Can’t always anticipate the other team’s plays, no matter many times you’ve gone up against them.” I gave him a lopsided smile and turned to head toward the stairs. “I’m gonna crash. I can barely keep my eyes open.”
I needed to sleep so I could figure out what I wanted to say to Aston and how I was going to get it together if Bowe bailed on me for good. I practically fell into my room, not bothering to turn on the lights or take off my shoes as I flopped on my bed. I often teased my mom, telling her she could turn my room into something else when I left for school, but she swore there would always be a place in any home she lived in for me and my sister.
Speaking of Daire, I should’ve anticipated the knock that came on my door about two seconds after I closed my eyes. She should be asleep, but I wasn’t surprised she was up.
I mumbled a sleepy, “Come in.” I felt the mattress sink under her weight as she sat and immediately combed her fingers through my hair like she was petting the family dog.
“I’m glad you’re home, you big jerk. Don’t take off without telling me ever again, or I’ll make you pay.” For most siblings, it would be a playful threat. With Daire, there was no such thing. She would do everything in her power to make my life hell if I pissed her off and scared her again.
I muttered, “I’m sorry I disappeared. I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing until I was already gone.”
She pulled my hair hard enough that I had to open my eyes and turn my head to look at her. Even in the darkness, Daire was still the prettiest girl in the entire world. Her nearly white hair almost glowed, and her wicked grin flashed brightly. She was lucky to be blessed with such an angelic appearance, or else she would never get away with half of the shit she pulled. She had yet to show any specific interest in the opposite sex, but I was ready to put any guy who mistakenly thought they were good enough for her through the third degree to make sure he was both worthy and warned before dating my sister.
She patted my head and climbed to her feet. “All right, I’ll leave you alone. I know you’re probably exhausted. But tomorrow, I’m not letting you off the hook. You’re going to tell me what happened in Austin, and you’re going to tell me how you plan on fixing things with Aston. I don’t care that she’s avoiding you, but it pisses me off she’s still not talking to me. I want my friend back.”
I buried my face in my pillow and waved a hand in agreement. “We’ll talk when my head feels like it isn’t full of cotton candy. Go to bed, brat.”
I heard her walk to the door. She paused before going back to her own room and told me, “You do know that you’re my favorite, right, Ry? Above and beyond anyone, you are the most important person in the world to me, and that’s all I’ve ever seen you as. No one else.”
I turned my head to look at her through the darkness. “Aren’t you a little old to be eavesdropping on the grownups?”
She scoffed, “Never,” and shut the door behind her.
I was tired, but even so, I had enough neurons still firing to realize that it was more likely that I’d been the only one not seeing who I really was all along. It seemed like everyone who mattered in my life had no problem recognizing the guy I really was rather than the guy I thought I was supposed to be.
• • •
It took me a couple of days to track Aston down.
On my first day back in Denver, my mom wouldn’t let me out of her sight and pretty much smothered me in mothering. I knew better than to complain because I’d made her worry when I took off unannounced. I was also going back to my own place soon, so I didn’t want to miss out on having her take care of me. It made both of us feel a bit better. I also lost a day when I went to apologize to my Uncle Rome and Zowen for putting them in the line of fire by being thoughtless with my actions. When I got to their house, my Aunt Cora got in her fair share of fussing over me as well, and my uncle put me through the wringer. He was big on taking responsibility when you screwed up, so I had to sit through a lecture that was no fun
. When he was done reading me the riot act, he shook his head at me and told me, jokingly, that it was long past time I finally started giving my dad a taste of his own medicine.
Zowen saved me before I had to come up with a clever response. Honestly, I was kind of touched that he was finally comparing me to my dad instead of my Uncle Remy. I wondered if he and my dad had already talked about my mini-breakdown and identity crisis. It wouldn’t surprise me. They didn’t keep much from each other. There were no secrets allowed from family when you were an Archer, which might be why Zowen immediately asked me, “So, did you tell Bowe how you really feel about her while you were down in Austin?”
I sat down in his fancy gaming chair in front of a computer setup which was, frankly, intimidating. It looked like he was going to launch satellites, not play video games. Zowen was a well-rounded guy. He was a skilled athlete and could’ve made soccer his focus when he went to college. Instead, he decided that he wanted to study programming and quit playing ball to focus on school after he got into the Colorado School of Mines. I wanted him to go to my school and move to Boulder with me, but he was adamant that once he started college, he was going to start to do more on his own. Being an Archer meant you were always surrounded by other Archers, and it got to be a little much. He was tired of living in Remy’s shadow, and tired of the constant competition between the two of us. We were best friends, but we still had to battle it out now and then. It was in our blood to compete and outdo one another. Zowen was very smart and tech savvy. That was one area I would never be able to catch up to him.
“I told her I owed her an apology, and if she wanted an explanation for why I screwed things up with her in the first place, she had to come and get it. I need to know she really wants to patch things up. That she wants me.”
“You want her to come to you this time?” Zowen looked up from his phone.
I nodded slightly. “I do. I don’t know if it’ll happen, but if it does, then I’ll tell her how I feel about her. How I’ve always felt about her. I’ll show her how sorry I am for shoving her away when things got too serious, too fast when we were teenagers.” I scratched the dark stubble on my chin. “But, before I do any of that, I need to talk to Aston. I’ve sent her a few texts and tried to call her. She’s not responding. I even called Royce to ask him to tell her I just wanted to clear the air before she leaves, and he said she’s not taking his calls either.”
My cousin lifted his head and shook the phone in his hand. “Want me to try?”
I shrugged. “Sure. Though, why would she respond to you when she’s blowing off her best friend and her brother?”
Zowen didn’t respond; he just typed rapidly on the screen of his phone. He lifted his head to look at me when almost immediately it beeped with a response. I frowned, feeling like I was missing something. I didn’t know that Aston and Zowen had that kind of relationship. I didn’t know they were anything more than friendly acquaintances.
“She’s working at her dad’s shop. She said you can come down for a few minutes, and she’ll take a break if you want to talk. She said she hasn’t responded to anyone because she’s worried that they’ll give her a hard time for the breakup and not telling anyone about moving to California. She’s worried everyone is going to try and talk her out of it.”
I grunted and lifted an eyebrow at him. “But she isn’t worried you’re going to try and change her mind?”
Zowen cleared his throat. “I guess not. I don’t have a dog in this fight, Ry. I don’t care if she moves to California or Antarctica. And I don’t think it’s tragic that the two of you broke up. I know that being dumped sucks, but for a guy like you, what’s it matter? You have everything else in the world going your way. A little heartbreak might be good for you. It’ll keep you humble. Plus, I know you’ve been into Bowe forever. If you hadn’t freaked out when she finally gave you the green light, you would’ve been with her this whole time. Aston has always been a detour. A very pretty, pleasant change, of course, but she was never the final destination.”
“Jesus. Can you make me sound like any more of an asshole?” I dragged a hand down my face. “If you could see that so clearly, do you think she did as well?”
Zowen shrugged. “Maybe. But I don’t think you were ever her final destination either. If you were, she would’ve talked to you about her plans after graduation, even if they meant you were going to have to do the long-distance thing. I think you both just happened to be going the same way at the same time, and it made sense to make the trip together. The road finally split, and so did the two of you.”
I blew out a breath and climbed to my feet. “You think we were using each other?” Honestly, that would make me feel a hundred times better. I’d just come to terms with the fact that I was nowhere near as good to Aston as I believed I was, which made me feel like shit. If we were both in the relationship for the wrong reasons, it took some of the sting out of the reality that I wasn’t the good guy everyone envisioned.
Zowen shrugged again and turned his attention back to his phone. “I’d ask her that when you go talk to her.”
“All right, all right.” I pushed up out of his expensive chair and walked to the door. “By the way, I really am sorry I put you in a bad spot when I left. Your dad chewed my ass out, and your mom threatened to ground me even though I’m not her kid and a grown-ass man.”
My cousin snorted. “Doesn’t matter. If Mom wanted you grounded, she’d make it happen. You know I’ve always got your back. No matter what. Next time tell me what you’re up to so I can at least come up with some kind of reasonable excuse. I grew up covering for Remy. No one can blow smoke at parents better than me.” Suddenly his eyes widened, and he leaned forward. “Speaking of my sister, did I tell you she’s coming back to Denver in a few weeks?”
I paused with my hand on the doorknob. “Really? She hasn’t been back home in over a year. Why now?”
Zowen shook his head. “I have no idea. She just sent a text that she would be in town for a bit. I asked if she was going to stay here, but she said she already has something else lined up with a friend. I think she knows if she comes home, my mom will try and lock her in a room and keep her here for more than a few weeks. She misses her, and she worries about her nonstop.”
“We all worry about her. It’ll be nice to see her.” And once she was here, maybe I could bribe her into giving me insider info on Bowe. It was unlikely she’d tell me anything, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. I could use all the help I could get in that area. “I’m out. I’ll touch base before I head to Boulder so we can hang out a bit before summer training starts.” Once it did, I wouldn’t have time for much of anything.
Zowen nodded and waved me out of his room. I stopped to hug my aunt and promise my uncle I had pulled my head out of my ass, then I drove to the outskirts of downtown Denver toward Aston’s dad’s custom motorcycle shop in the warehouse district. It was a cool building in a very industrial area. There was a ton of graffiti on the brick walls and the metal garage doors that lined the different streets. There were urban art galleries and tattoo shops scattered between the different garages and production properties. It was an area forever on the cusp of gentrification, but still remained edgy and cool. It was the perfect spot for a business catering to bikers and gearheads.
I texted Aston that I was there, and she shot back a message to meet her at one of the quirky little coffee shops across the street. I was kind of relieved she didn’t want to hang around the shop. I liked her dad, he was a really nice guy, but no dad was going to go easy on the guy who made his little girl miserable. Even inadvertently. I’d rather hash things out with Aston before I saw her parents or her brother.
I ordered her the chocolatey-coffee concoction she always liked and took an isolated seat toward the back. A bell above the door tinkled when she walked in. Even from a distance, I could tell she hadn’t been eating or sleeping well. Aston was a tiny girl. Right now, she looked so fragile, I was worried one wrong move might make her
break. Her dark eyes appeared haunted and had circles underneath them. Her thick, wavy hair that usually had hints of fire in it looked dull and flat as it hung around her overly pale face. Normally she looked like a little fairy, all bright and full of light. Right now, it was like someone had snuffed out her inner fire. I hated thinking the one who doused the flame might have been me.
I nudged the frothy drink in her direction and forced a weak smile. “Hey. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. I was worried I wouldn’t get to see you at all before I had to go back to Boulder…or before you left.”
She nervously wrapped her hands around the drink without meeting my gaze. “I was going to call you. I just needed some time to figure out what I wanted to say.” She blinked her eyes, and I could tell she was holding back tears. “I feel really bad about everything, Ry. I really do.”
I shook my head and had to curl my fingers into my palm, so I didn’t reach for her hand out of habit. “Don’t feel bad, Aston. You did what you had to do, and you did it in a way I may have forced upon you. I should’ve seen you weren’t happy. I should’ve paid closer attention to what was happening between us, to what we were doing to each other.”
A couple of tears slipped down her pale cheek, and I couldn’t help but reach out and wipe them away. We might not be meant to be together, but that didn’t mean I stopped worrying about her or wanting to make sure she was okay.
“When I said I wasn’t happy, it didn’t really have anything to do with you, Ry.” She sighed and used the edge of her sleeve to wipe her face. “You know, the reason I started to like you, the reason I thought dating you would be great, is because you remind me so much of my father.”
I cringed. What guy wanted to hear that?
Aston gave me a watery smile. “You’re nice. You’re patient. You put everyone before yourself, and you never push for more than someone is willing to give. My dad is the same way with my mom. He treats her like she’s this precious, fragile treasure, and I guess I thought that was what I always wanted out of a relationship.” She shook her head slightly and finally lifted her dark eyes to mine. “But my mom is fragile. She’s delicate and can be very breakable. I don’t know how much you know about her past… but it’s a lot. She survived some pretty horrific things before she got together with my dad. She needs to be handled carefully. Being with you made me realize I don’t. I’m not my mom. I’m nowhere near as breakable as she is, but you, you’re still as good a guy as my dad is. It made me feel terrible to realize that I was dating you because it was something familiar and safe, not something that I actually wanted for myself. I wish just once you would’ve yelled at me or gotten mad when I didn’t come to your games. Anything that would’ve given me a reason to walk away without feeling guilty.”
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