Eric moves in closer to me. My skin comes alive. “What if I told you that I wanted you to stay? Not just stay alive, but stay here? With me?”
I take the towel from his shoulders and ruffle his hair dry. At this exact moment, with messy hair and soft eyes, Eric is the most beautiful thing in the entire world. “You know that I can’t do that, Eric.”
“We can work something out,” he says, tracing the collar of the gown with his fingers. “We’ll get married if we have to. Or we can run away to Mexico and live in Guadalajara. I’ll get a job on a corn farm and you could just be beautiful.”
I laugh. The room is warm and Eric is damp. “You’re drunk.”
“I may be drunk, but I’ve never been more sober in my life.”
He exhales onto my collarbones and his breath brings my skin to life. The rain is gone. In the living room, almost forgotten, Bay laughs at something on TV. We stand there, Eric and I, me shaking in the space between his wrist bones and the insides of his elbows.
Let this last forever. Let this never end.
Eric smiles as if he’s heard me thinking. He leans in to me. His skin is warm. “Can I kiss you?”
I breathe him in, my eyes closed. “No.”
His fingers brush against my hairline. “Why not?”
“Because you won’t remember it in the morning.”
His hand makes it down to my face, his fingers tracing the bottom of my chin. I can’t help but lean my cheek into his fingers. “What if I kissed you now, and in the morning you kissed me again so that I can remember?”
Eric slips his hand to the small of my back and edges me closer. I don’t have any words, or power. My fingertips inch along the skin of his abdomen. Our breathing becomes synchronized.
Eric lifts my face toward his, saying nothing, and kisses me full on the mouth. His lips are warm like he’s been sitting out in the sun all day instead of just coming out of the rain. The backs of my thighs tingle. So does my entire body. He tastes like apple cider and thunderstorms. I forget the world. I forget everything that exists outside this room, everything that exists inside of me. Eric is all that matters. He is all that I need.
We pull apart. He opens his eyes, his eyelashes grazing my cheek. He moves his hand from my face and finds a place to rest on my side.
I press my thumb against his hipbone. He curls his fingers around the curve of my back. My body bends toward him, seeking his heat. We stand that way for a while, holding onto each other, until we can hear Bay coaching Jodie up and getting her to bed.
Eric kisses me again, and whispers to me when the quiet returns. “I’ll remember in the morning,” he says, his lips still on my lips. “I’ll remember.”
Chapter Fourteen
It’s Monday morning, and we are leaving.
I wake up early, as the sun is starting to creep over the mountains. Light is filtering into the room through the gauzy curtains.
I turn over to face Eric. My movements wake him, and he blinks at me through the heavy, still unused air in the room.
“Morning.” He says and smiles at me.
I smile back. “Morning.”
“It’s Monday.” He whispers to me.
I sigh. “Can we stay a little longer?”
“I wish we could. But I need to get back to work. And Charlie wants to see me.”
I close my eyes, holding onto the sound of his voice. “Okay. Okay.”
Eric reaches over and strokes my cheek. I look at him. “I’ll think of you every time it rains.”
I bite down on my jaw, trying not to break out in tears. I know that leaving Jodie and Bay behind today means that not long after, I will be leaving Eric too. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
He leans forward to kiss me. “Thank you for staying.”
*
Jodie goes out for her morning run while Eric packs the Jeep. Bay is conspicuously missing. I look for him in every room, trying to find signs of him anywhere. The sun is high, drawing out the moisture from the ground and moving it along with the last of the rainclouds.
I find Bay at the end of the deck, an unlit cigarette in his mouth and a cup of coffee in his hand. He doesn’t hear me approach and jumps when I tap his shoulder.
“Jesus, Cape Town,” he says, clutching at his chest. “Don’t sneak up on people.”
“I wasn’t exactly sneaking,” I say, then gesture to the cigarette. “You know those things only work if you light them.”
He chuckles. “I think I’m quitting. I’ve been staring at this damn thing all morning.” He takes a sip from his cup. “You guys are leaving today?”
I nod. “In the next hour.”
He nods his head and looks out over the lake. The water is dark. The sun hasn’t quite reached through the trees enough yet. “Well, it was really something having you guys around. I missed Eric. You were a treat, too.” He winks at me, fiddling with the cigarette.
I take a breath. I’m trying to say all that I want to him before we leave, before I’m not able to anymore.
“Bay?”
“Yeah?”
“I, um...” I start, struggling. “I want to...”
Bay looks at me. I lower my face to hide from his eyes. My hands start to shake. When I speak, my voice trembles.
“I’ve decided.” I say when I have the courage to look at him again. “I want to live.”
A small smile starts to blossom on his lips. The cut on his mouth doesn’t make him wince anymore.
“I want to be brave like you,” I tell him. “I want to be strong like you. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how.”
I start to bawl. The smile disappears from Bay’s face as he watches me. He sets down his cup and makes the cigarette disappear before he holds me. I try not to become an absolute mess in front of him, but my chest is exploding with emotions that only now just come out. Bay says nothing; just holds me while I stand shaking and crying, his arms enveloping me into a bubble of tears and trust.
“Abby,” he says, while I wipe my nose on my sleeve, tears drying on my cheeks. “Listen to me.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eye, all the way through me. “You are brave. Choosing to live is brave. And you are one of the strongest people I have ever met, which is saying something. I don’t know what would have happened if you and Eric hadn’t found each other, but I doubt that you would have chosen differently. I doubt that very much.” Bay lets go of my shoulders and grabs my hand. “This battle could have been fought anywhere, but all the stars fell into place to bring you here. It was kismet.”
“You really think so?”
“Absolutely. You were always coming.”
I choke back some tears and force a smile.
“I got you this,” he says, and pulls a photograph out of his pocket. It’s the picture he’d taken at the landing. I see trees and the sun, and the mountains black in the background. It could have been taken anywhere; it could be a picture of any place. But Bay’s words resonate with me, and I remember yesterday morning and how it felt. I remember it exactly. “I know it doesn’t do the place any justice, but when you are on the other side of the world, thinking is this all there is for me, just remember. You don’t have to do anything else. Just breathe.”
I wipe at a few stray tears and take the picture. “I’ll cherish it forever.”
“Good,” Bay says, smiling. “That was hella cheesy, but okay.”
I laugh. “I’m glad you were only dead for four minutes.”
Bay’s eyes grow big. “You know, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” He hugs me, and this time it feels like goodbye.
“Bay, when you were in the nuthouse,” I say, and Bay throws his head back to laugh. I smile back at him. “You came back cured? I mean, they helped you in there?”
Bay grins. “It can’t be cured. It can be managed. It’s not like you wake up one day and it’s all over. It takes time. You have to get diagnosed first and everything will fall in place after that.”
“Diagnosed?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, planning one’s own demise in not a fact of life. The most basic human instinct is to stay alive. There’s a reason you feel this way. It’s not just something that is.”
“Were you diagnosed?”
“Certainly. I’m clinically depressed, but I try not to name it because it doesn’t define me. My time with the group and medication helps me a lot. It’s good to get out of your head, you know. Your thoughts can be like poison. It needs to be filtered out.” He squints at me. “Why do you ask?”
I bite my lip. “I think I might ask for help.”
Bay nods, happy. “I think that will be really good for you, Cape Town.”
I take a breath and hug him again. “Jodie’s waiting for you,” I say to him, and he must know what I mean because he doesn’t look around to see if she’s nearby. “Don’t let her wait too long.”
“I think this mountain air has made you super wise.”
I smile. “I’m going to miss this place.”
“You’ve breathed it in. It’s in your lungs, merged into your bones. It’s part of you now.”
I like the thought of it and tell him so. He smiles and shrugs, like he gives great counsel all the time. I wave to him as I start to move back inside the house. Bay calls out to me, making me turn to see him the way I always want to remember him, standing tall and brave amongst the trees and the mountains and the lake.
“Cape Town?”
“Yes?”
“I hope your asteroid doesn’t come for a very long time.”
I smile at him, thinking of shooting stars and open skies. “Ditto.”
Part Three: Benjamin
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
– Mae West
Chapter Fifteen
We return to Los Angeles through the bustle of a hazy afternoon. The 403 freeway is packed so we idle in traffic for forty-five minutes, the Jeep grumbling in protest beneath us occasionally. I try to engage Eric in conversation while we wait, but he only offers up monotone answers and seems to be elsewhere in thought, so I thumb the edge of the photograph Bay gave me and stare out of the window until we make it out and back to the apartment.
Exhausted by the drive and slightly irritated by the traffic, Eric parks the Jeep and we head inside, dropping the luggage by the front door and collapsing onto the couch as soon as we enter. Neither of speak for several minutes, our bodies getting used to the coolness of the apartment, and the fact that we’ve swapped the mountains of San Bernardino for the oceans of the West Coast. I can still taste the lake every time I lick my lips.
I nudge Eric’s leg with my foot. He lifts his eyes up to me. “You okay over there?”
He drops his gaze and chews on his lower lip slowly. He waits a few breaths, then sits up and faces me. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
I straighten, narrowing my eyes at him. “Okay?”
“Remember when I told you that I talked to Ben?”
I nod. “Yes. I remember that very clearly.”
Eric clears his throat. “Well, I left out the part where I mention that he’s coming here.”
I don’t think I’ve heard him correctly. I blink a few times, rustle in my seat. “I’m sorry. What?”
Eric quietly tells me about Ben; that he’d heard me on the phone with him the morning we left for Jodie’s. Somewhere in between the farmer’s market and the petrol station, he’d spoken to Ben and together they’d arranged a time for him to fly over and come see me. As I listen, I can feel my heartbeat pulsating in my throat, getting stronger and stronger.
“You’re joking right now, though. Right? I mean, you have to be.”
“I’m sorry,” Eric says, reaching for my hand. “I called before we left. You were in a different head space. I didn’t know what else to do.”
I pull my hand free from his. “So you lied to me?”
Eric shakes his head. “I didn’t lie. I just withheld some information from you for a short amount of time.”
I clear my throat. “Did you tell him where to find me?”
Eric pauses for a fraction of a second. “I did, but I thought it would be for the best.”
“Which means you did lie to me after all,” I say, a false calm in my voice. I am on the verge of imploding. I get up from the couch and stand somewhere in the kitchen to catch my breath, to regain my composure. Eric follows me and lingers nearby.
“I tried to tell you every day while we were at Jodie’s,” Eric says. “I wanted you to know before we came back because I didn’t want it to seem like an ambush.”
I squint my eyes at him, incredulous. “You tried to tell me? What happened to that plan?”
“I thought it might ruin everything.”
I am just about to say something when Eric’s phone vibrates in his pocket, low and urgent. I push past him as he fumbles for it. He curses under his breath and chucks the phone onto the counter top. He walks over to where I’m standing and puts a hand on my arm.
“I understand that you’re upset. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you immediately.”
I take his hand off my arm. “Eric, I need you to stop trying to save me.”
He sighs and steps aside. “How do you suggest I do that?”
I compose myself. The thought of Ben knowing exactly where I am scares me an absurd amount. I don’t know if I am more afraid of the fact that he’s coming, or that he’ll try to take me back.
“When will he be here?”
Eric looks distraught, like maybe he knows that it will soon be the end of things. “Probably by the morning.”
Less than twenty-four hours. I’d expected at least a day; two, at most. I needed time to prepare myself, to fully appreciate the fact that my best friend would soon be here with me, with questions and accusations. The dread must show on my face because Eric leans toward me and whispers, “I won’t let him take you back if you’re not ready. I promise.”
He doesn’t say anything more and disappears into his bedroom. I stand still for a long time, thoughts running through my head. After a while, Eric’s promise stills the worry inside of me slightly, but my hands continue to shake for the longest time.
*
By dinnertime the thought of Ben arriving in the States settles and I am relieved. I’m glad that Ben knows. I’m glad that I no longer have to hide from my best friend. I want to see him, to hear him speak, to hold him until I feel like myself again.
“So, who is Ben anyway?” Eric asks, glancing at me from across the kitchen table. He’d ordered a pizza and we’d already finished half of it. There is a slight tension between us. I am still smarting from his confession, and he seems a little uncomfortable around me now.
“He’s been my best friend since I was nine,” I smile to myself, thinking of Ben and myself as gangly preteens growing up in the suburbs of Cape Town.
“Were you two together?” Eric asks, pulling the crust off his pizza slice and leaving it on the side of his plate.
I shake my head. “Ben’s married.”
Eric’s mouth twitches. “Were you two together?”
I press my lips together. “No,” I say. “There was a time when I thought that we would be, but he fell in love with another girl.”
Eric nods. “And what about you?”
I shrug. “I fell apart. The two were not related.”
Eric looks at me through the heavy air of the apartment. The streetlights cast a warm glow through the room. I can’t match his stare, so I pretend to find interest in other things. I sense him watching me for a little while longer, until he gets up from the table and starts clearing the plates. “Okay. I’m heading to bed,” he says, shoving the pizza box into the oven, not asking if I’m done. “We’ll pick Ben up at the airport in the morning. I’m back at work tomorrow too so...”
I don’t know how the two things correlate, but say nothing. I can’t think beyond seeing Ben. I’m squirming in my skin, antic
ipation gurgling away in my stomach.
Eric and I don’t speak to each other for the rest of the night. I stay on the couch, rifling through my suitcase to find something to wear in the morning. Eric stays in the room, light on, for most of the night. When I walk past him to get to the bathroom, he still doesn’t say anything.
I sleep on the couch.
In the morning, it’s still the same. Except this time Eric looks sad, and I am just about ready to jump out of my skin.
*
Ben’s flight comes in on time, and while we wait for him to clear Customs, Eric and I watch people ambling around the airport with their suitcases, checking flight numbers and making arrangements on their phones. Eric looks annoyed to be sitting around while the morning shimmers outside, probably thinking about the ocean and the roar of the surf or what he’ll need to do at work later on.
I try my best to ignore him. I’ll consider how to deal with him later, when Ben is safe and settled and here.
I’m pacing along the floor when Eric mumbles something to me and points to a group of people coming toward us. I ready myself, my legs jittery. I remember coming through these gates a little over a week ago, alone in a foreign country, trying to navigate my way through this building.
I study the passengers as they make their way toward me. Benjamin is tall and has dark hair and eyes, and has a way of walking with intent and structure. He draws heads in a crowd all the time so I don’t think that it will be hard to spot him now.
The herds of passengers start to dry out. Still there is no sign of Ben. I fiddle with my fingers. Maybe he’d decided not to come after all? Had Eric confirmed with him? Were we even catching the right flight?
I turn to look at Eric. He gives me a side smile, one that melts my heart in waves. I offer a sad smile, calling a truce. When I turn back, I spot Ben immediately. He is pulling a huge suitcase behind him. My heart lights up. I instantaneously feel like crying. He’s right here, my biggest ally, in the flesh, once again breathing the same air as me.
I say his name, but over the noise of people greeting each other he doesn’t hear me. He has his head high, searching. I hold up my hand as I move toward him. His eyes pick it up, and by the time he recognises me I am speeding toward him, trying my best not to fall apart before we touch.
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