“How romantic! Well, he gets points in my book for a great proposal and a great fucking ring!” Her machine gun laugh bursts out yet again. I give her another hug before she climbs out of my bed.
“I should go and let you rest. I’ll stop by in the morning with lots of gossip mags for you and a few movies. I know it will be a little boring for you.”
“Thank you so much! Tell Colton I said congratulations. I am so happy for you really Jess. You deserve all the happiness in the world.” I truly mean that. She is the kindest hearted person I have ever known. She is selfless and beautiful inside and out.
“Thanks, Nettie. Oh, and of course you will be my maid of honor?”
“I am honored to have you as my best friend. And yes, I will be your maid of honor.”
“Great! See you tomorrow. Love ya!” she blows me a kiss.
“I love you too.” I blow a kiss back.
I am so tired again already. I lay back on my bed and now realizing I will have to stay in bed for two days I am rethinking the pillow situation. Maybe I can try them. I haven’t been so panicky about it lately. I am used to sleeping without them but maybe just to sit up in bed it wouldn’t be a bad idea. When my mother comes back in, I’ll ask her. It seems like a while before anyone comes in to check on me and I am a little annoyed. Then I realize why. I can smell dinner. The aroma of grilled chicken is all I can make out. Shortly after my mother comes in with a tray and a meal. She is smiling a polite smile.
“I made a chicken salad for you. I thought it would be something light.” She places it on the bedside table.
“Mom, I can’t exactly sit up comfortably would you mind getting me a few pillows so I can be propped up?” She looks quizzically at me with her head tilted to one side.
“Are you sure? It’s not going to bother you?”
“We won’t know unless I try,” I shrug. She disappears briefly to the hall closet and brings the two pillows that should normally be on my bed, and she motions for me to sit up. As I do, I feel the familiar prickle of tension climb up my arms. I take a slow deep breath releasing some tension and when the pillows are in place, I lean back into them.
“I did it!” I smile. I am still a bit tense, but I did it. I can handle this. See I am making progress without a damn counselor! One day at a time. One step at a time. “Can you stay with me while I eat though? I could use the company.”
“Yes, of course. Then you should try to sleep. You need your rest. Oh, I almost forgot that realtor that showed you the houses the other day called and left a message for you.” Oh shit, I haven’t had a chance to tell Mom and Dad that I made an offer. I hope they aren’t upset.
“What did she say?” Wow, I am nervous, excited, and scared all at the same time. I want the place, but it seems so real all of a sudden. I will be all by myself until baby comes.
“Nothing, she just said to call her back when you get a chance.” Good, I want to be the one to tell them.
“Mom, I did make an offer on one of the houses. She is probably calling to tell me if they accepted or not.” She looks a little surprised, but I expected that. She is just used to me being here all the time.
“Well, good for you. I hope you get it. Although, I am sure going to miss having my baby girl around.” She strokes my cheek gently like she did when I was a child.
“I’ll miss you and Daddy too Mom. Don’t worry it’s not far and I am going to need help moving and unpacking after all.” I look up at her batting my eyelashes as I do.
“Yeah, yeah I get it!” She giggles and so do I.
We sit and talk for a long while as I pick at my salad. I am not all that hungry, but I eat a good amount of it. I am occasionally aware of the pillows at my back and get a slight bubble of panic every now and again. For the most part, though I think I do well. When I finish my mother clears my tray and kisses me on the forehead.
“Get some sleep, darling. If you need anything, just holler okay?” I nod.
When she leaves the room, I decide to try and call the realtor before going to bed. I pick up my cell and dial her number. Why am I so nervous? It rings about four times and I just when I think her voicemail will pick up, she answers.
“Oh hi, Mrs. Hall, this is Nettie Madison. I was returning your call.”
“Yes, Nettie, how are you?” I answer with a simple
“Uh, well I’ve been better.” I don’t want to get into my last days’ events.
“Well maybe this will help. I have good news for you. The seller accepted your offer! Congratulations!”
I’m overwhelmed with feelings. I am so excited. We have a home, Evan! Just you and me, kid. It must have been meant to be.
“Thank you so much! I am so thrilled! So, when will it officially be mine?” I ask. I have no idea how this stuff works.
“We should be able to close by the end of the month. We just have to wait on a few things from the bank and you’ll be moving in before you know it! I’ll call when I have a date for you. Congratulations again, Nettie.”
“Great and thanks again. I hope to hear from you soon.” We hang up and I am beaming with joy. This is turning out to be a great day! First Jessie’s engagement and now the house.
“Things are looking up!” I say to baby. I decide I could turn in and sweep the pillows off the bed.
I think I did well. I don’t want to wake however with one of them over my face. I inhale a deep breath assuring myself I have control.
I have wonderful dreams all night. Dreams of us in our new home. Beautiful green grass and flourishing flowers. Sitting out back in the summertime rocking on the swing with baby in my arms. We are happy. I am happy. Finally, my mind is beginning to catch up with my body in the healing process. All thanks to my little warrior.
*
The next few days have gone by quickly. Jess has been over a few times and we spent almost an entire time looking through bridal magazines, for dresses and wedding ideas. She hasn’t set a date yet, but they are thinking sometime next summer. I am so happy for her and so excited to be a part of her special day. I will bend over backward to give her a perfect wedding. She has been a great distraction from the boredom of bed rest.
No more contractions, baby is moving like crazy and I am feeling great. I have to go and visit Dr. Graham today to officially get cleared to go back to work. I am lucky that my job doesn’t entail anything strenuous or I probably wouldn’t be allowed back quite yet. My boss was very understanding, but I don’t want to push my luck. There has still been no word on where Sara has disappeared to, but I am not surprised. I don’t expect to ever see her again. She is a coward. Since she flaked on telling the cops about her attack and what she heard about there being other girls. I don’t feel so bad for her. She made the decision to let that asshole stay on the streets and now he may be out in five years because of her. I hope I never see her again. She is a horrible excuse for a woman.
“Knock, knock!” My mother sings. I guess that means it’s time to go see the great Doc.
“Hey, Mom. I’ll be down in a second, okay. I just need to brush my teeth real quick.” I hold up my toothbrush.
“No problem, I am going to go warm up the car. I’ll meet you downstairs?” I nod and she leaves me be. I head into the bathroom and brush my teeth and run a comb through my hair one last time. God, I need a haircut. I still have an uneven spot where that bastard ripped a chunk from my skull. Maybe I should just get it all cut off. That wouldn’t be a bad idea. I’ll think about it. I remember to pee this time. I don’t know if she’d want to do a down there exam today or what but just in case, I am prepared.
The drive to the OBGYN office is fairly normal. My mother and I make small talk and she tiptoes around asking me for the millionth time how I am feeling. I can’t wait to get into my own place. Oh, shit I forgot to tell my parents that I officially got the place.
“Um Mom, I meant to tell you. I called the realtor back and they accepted my offer on the house.” I try and sound excited so that she is exci
ted as well. She plasters a huge fake grin on her face and offers up a generic congratulations. That’s it? I know it will be hard for them I mean I have been living with them now for six months, but she couldn’t have thought I would be there forever. “Mom I know you like me being at your place and so do I, but you should be excited that I am ready to move on. It’s not far and you can help me decorate and come visit all the time.” Well, not all the time I think to myself.
“No, I know. I just worry about you living alone that’s all. You know me I always worry about my baby.”
“But Mom, I won’t be alone.” I say caressing my bump. She smiles and nods.
“You’re absolutely right. You will never be alone again.” Now she looks accepting. What a relief.
When we arrive at the office we don’t have to wait very long. In fact, the office seems a bit deserted today. We meet with Dr. Graham and it turns out she does need to examine me just to be sure that I haven’t dilated. It is a quick and painless exam. Thankfully, there is no action yet. I realize I was holding my breath and audibly exhale.
“That’s good news. What about work then, can I go back?”
“Sure, Nettie just no heavy lifting for the next week and just try not to be on your feet all day. Take it easy okay?” Dr. Graham instructs, giving me a teacher to student look.
“Yes, I will take it easy, I promise,” I place my hand over my heart reflecting my sincerity.
“Alright well, with the holidays coming up we can make you an appointment say, in four weeks. You know the drill. The girls out front can make your appointment. Give them this.” She hands me a piece of paper with the instructions that I am to be seen in four weeks and I relay it to the secretary at the front office. She hands me a card with my appointment time and date on it. I will be 32 weeks. Holy crap that is insane! This pregnancy has flown by. After that appointment, I will go every two weeks and then every week until baby comes. I can’t believe it. I better get the house ready fast. I hope we can close soon.
“What’s the matter, you look nervous?” my mother asks.
“Oh, I was just thinking how fast this pregnancy has gone and how much stuff we still need to do. I hope I can get into the new place soon. Since we know it’s a boy now maybe we should start shopping for nursery décor. I emphasize WE so she knows I need help affording all the furniture and things.
“You’re right he’ll be here before you know it,” she pauses, thinking for a moment. “I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you and I go shopping this weekend and just pick out a few things and then as soon as you get into the house, Daddy and I can buy them. Maybe make a baby registry.” Ew, I cringe at the idea. A baby registry for the rape victim who got knocked up. My friends will like that.
“No Mom, I don’t want a registry or anything like that. I think it’s kinda creepy.” She looks at me as if she is appalled.
“I said nothing about a shower! It will just be for me and Dad. I won’t even tell anyone. It will just be, so we get exactly the things you wanted. You know me, I won’t remember what you picked out before we even leave the store.” She sure has a point there. I am surprised she doesn’t forget her own name sometimes. I giggle to myself and I know she notices. She has a shy grin on her face as well.
“Alright, I am sorry for getting defensive. It’s just this isn’t a normal pregnancy and I don’t want to glorify my situation. Not that I’m not happy about it…now. I just don’t want people to pity me or think I am a weirdo.” She frowns at me taking my hand.
“No one thinks that.” There is that fucking pity look. Oh, and a head tilt no less. So, she even still has pity for me. “Let’s get going,” she continues. I grab the keys from her giving her the biggest all teeth smile that I have. There is no way she is driving me around anymore. I am surprised we haven’t been killed yet.
When we arrive at home, Mom grabs the mail out of the wooden mailbox, and we head inside. She plops all the mail on the table and begins to flip through it when she suddenly stops. I know it’s from him. I hold my hand out to her and she hesitantly gives me the letter. When I read the return label it isn’t from the prison it is from county family services. Family services? What in the hell? I am nervous to open it, but I rationalize that there is no way it could possibly be what I am thinking in my twisted brain. They can’t let him have any rights to the baby, that would be madness. I will leave the country before I let that happen. I open it neatly and gently remove the folded yellow papers. I begin to read:
Dear Ms. Madison,
The enclosed documents are to inform you that the following Samuel M. Knox is contesting that visitation be granted to him as the biological father of your child while incarcerated and physical parental rights after his release. A preliminary hearing is scheduled to be held on January 12th at 10 a.m. You must attend if you wish to have your statement taken into consideration for the judge to make a ruling. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Hank P. Tollidge, Mahoning County Family Court
“Piece of SHIT!” I rip it in two and throw it on the table.
“What is it?” My mom looks so terrified.
“Oh, nothing I just have to go to court because that asshole, piece of shit wants visitation that’s all! There is no way, right? RIGHT?” She shrugs her shoulders. I know she wants to be supportive, but the truth is we just assumed he couldn’t see the baby, but I guess we never knew for certain. I need to call a lawyer. FUCK! This is all I need right now, to be stressed out more than I already am. Part of me wants to go see him and tell him what a prick he is but I have a feeling that’s what he wants. “Do you know any good lawyers Mom?”
“Uh, yeah I do actually. Someone I went to high school with is a lawyer. I’m not sure exactly what kind though. I’ll give him a call okay?” I nod. I can feel my face twisted up in confusion, sadness and pure rage.
“Yeah, call now!” I snap. I realize I am panting. I have never hated someone more in my life and if I could kill him I would. I don’t care what the consequences would be.
“Alright, why don’t you go lie down or something? I don’t want you working yourself up too much, especially after our little scare. Now go!” she commands. I follow her advice and turn to go to my room. I am seething. I sit at the end of my bed and take a deep breath. Ok, let’s think about this.
First of all, he has to prove he is the father, right? So first we would need a DNA test. He will have to jump through a few hoops himself. And how in the fuck is he paying for this shit anyway? Then it occurs to me. He wasn’t rich, but his parents are. No, his parents wouldn’t possibly help him after knowing what he has done. In that moment, I need to know. I pick up my cell phone and click on the yellow pages app. And type in Knox, Samuel. Yes, Sam is a Jr. This is going to be fucked up, but the adrenaline is coursing through my veins and I need to do something. I don’t even notice that the phone is ringing already. Shit! What do I say? Eh, I’ll just go with the flow.
“Dr. Knox speaking” Shit a part of me hoped he wouldn’t answer.
“Yes, Dr. Knox this is Nettie, Antoinette Madison.” There is an audible quiver in my voice, but I continue. “I want to know why the fuck you are helping your demented rapist son try and get visitation of MY child?” There is a long pause. I don’t know if he is still there, maybe he hung up.
“Um, Miss Madison. I don’t think it is a good idea that we speak.” He sounds cold. He sounds like Sam. I feel my blood boiling.
“Yeah, well I don’t think I should have been brutally raped and carved, but I was! So, you can talk to me on the phone or I will show up at your doorstep! Which would you prefer, SIR!” Yeah, that was good, Nettie. You are in control, not him.
“Ok, Miss Madison. I am not helping my son, exactly. I don’t agree with his choice to want anything to do with that…child. But if he wants to, I will provide the financial means for him to do so. He is the father after all, as you claim.” I claim! Fuck you, you, sick son of a bitch!
“Well first of
all Dr. Knox, your son raped me, and this baby wouldn’t even exist had I not decided to give him a chance. I decided it’s not his fault that his father is a sadistic prick. It was not his choice how he was conceived but now it is my choice how he lives. And so help me God, I will do anything in my power to keep your son from mine. ANYTHING! I just wanted you to know that it is a waste of your money and time to try and pursue this. No one in their right mind would allow that monster around a child. And you sir, are just as bad as your son for helping. Does your wife know what you are doing? From what I remember she actually seemed to be a nice person although I thought you were too.” I am out of breath. God my mind is racing a mile a minute. This man is lucky he is not standing in front of me or I would pummel his ass.
“Son? You are having a boy?” Shit, why did I say that? I can hear the grin in his voice. Did he not hear what I just said? Oh, what have I done? He is going to tell Sam. I wanted him to know as little of this pregnancy as possible. He continues, “and as far as my wife is concerned, not that it is any of your business, but she and I aren’t together anymore. Ever since Sam was arrested. We have very different views on what is right and wrong for our son.” He barely pauses and I am shocked at his next statement. “So, what have you decided to name him?”
“That is none of your fucking business! Don’t think you will ever see him either. Now I know where Sam gets it from. You are delusional! Drop the shit because you will not win! No, you know what? Spend all the money you want. Spend every dime you have. I am not worried. Not at all.”
“Then why are you calling me Nettie?” His voice pierces the deepest part of my soul. I feel just as scared as I was that night.
“FUCK YOU!” and I hang up. Why? Why did I call him? I guess I expected what? Some sympathy? Yeah right! Same blood, same man. I touch my stomach. The same blood as my little man. Do I really believe that? No. my son will be nothing like them. Nothing! I look up and my mother is standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth and tears running down her cheeks. I didn’t even realize she was standing there. I begin sobbing as well.
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