“I do, um did. A girl. Very long story,” he totally shuts down. Why didn’t I just mind my own business? Maybe he is divorced, and the mom has custody of the kid or maybe the kid is older and wants nothing to do with him. Either way, I shouldn’t have asked.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be too personal.” He smiles appearing to be a little more comfortable.
“No, it’s fine. Not too personal. Well, you two have a great day and I will see you soon.” God, he has a great smile.
“Thank you, Dr. Connor,” I reach out my hand to shake his.
“Lincoln, please,” he softly shakes my hand back. “My friends call me Linc. Pleasure to see you again, Nettie.” I get butterflies in my stomach at the sound of my name from his lips. I have to practically pry my hand from his because I don’t want to let go.
“Very well, Linc. We’ll see you soon,” I have got to get outta here I can tell I am flushed again.
When we get to the car, I stare at myself in the rearview mirror. God, what am I thinking? He is my son’s doctor and I want to ask him out. It has been so long since I have gone on a date with anyone. Then after Sam, I can’t imagine someone having their hands on me. But it’s nice to know I still have that feeling left somewhere deep down. Deep, deep down. I suppose I could have a relationship, someday.
“Right now, though, it’s just me and you kid, and I like it that way.” I can hear him squeak and assume he is agreeing with his very wise mother.
When we get home, it’s lunchtime, so I grab myself a quick bite and as soon as I finish my growing little man is up and ready for lunch himself. After feeding him I lay him on the floor on a blanket and let him wiggle around. I am laying on my right side with my head propped up just staring into his beautiful eyes. He is just kicking his little bird legs. I laugh out loud. Damn, is he a cutie. He starts to get a little fussy and when I pick him up, he does my favorite little baby thing, he scrunches his little face and tucks his knees up to his belly pushing his tiny little baby butt out while arching his back. I need to take some pictures of him. I swaddle him tight and place him in his crib for his nap. I go to fetch my camera and when I come back, he is fast asleep. I snap a few photos and he wiggles, hearing the clicking of the camera, but it doesn’t disturb him too much. I gently stroke his hair; I could sit and watch him like this for hours.
I peel myself away from him so that I can get some laundry and cleaning done. While I do, I decide to call my mother and let her know how things went. I fail to mention the cute Dr. Lincoln Connor. I love his name, Linc. She tells me how busy she has been at work but assures me that when I am ready to go back to work. She will be available at least two days a week to watch the baby. Oh, man I don’t want to go back to work. I want to hit the lottery so I can afford to stay home with the baby forever. Wouldn’t that be great? I am lost in my own thoughts and my mother has obviously noticed.
“Hello, earth to Antoinette?!” she sounds annoyed.
“Sorry, my mind wandered a bit. What did you say?” I do this a lot when I talk to her. I can’t help it she rambles at times.
“I asked if you wanted to come for dinner on Saturday for your birthday. Or if you want, we can go out somewhere?” Oh yes, my birthday. Not really looking forward to it. I think I would rather just stay home altogether.
“Dinner at your place sounds good. Can I invite Jess?” Maybe she can leave the old ball and chain at home, so we can have some girl time.
“Of course! She is always welcome. I’ll call you later with some ideas for dinner and you can choose from there, alright?”
“Sounds perfect Mom. I’ll talk to you later. Love ya.”
“Love you too, sweetie.” As I hang up the phone, I realize how close the anniversary of the attack is. The day that my life forever changed. I haven’t received any more calls from Sam, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried. My lawyer tells me that the DNA test needs to be done soon. I should just call him to get it over with. I decide it’s now or never.
I will have to take the baby to a clinic where mine and Sam’s lawyer will both be present to ensure that the test is done properly. It will be a simple swab of the inside of Evan's mouth. Totally painless, I am told. I don’t even know why they are doing this. I know Sam is the father. Anything to bide some time I suppose. So, we schedule it for one week from today. Good, I will be glad to get that done and we imagine it will be another good month before Sam can get another court date. Enough worry for today. I need to get this place in order.
*
I wake up Saturday morning and it is my twenty-ninth birthday. I feel about ten years older than I did last year. It is almost depressing how I feel today, but I try and think of the good things. At least it’s not the big 3-0. I wouldn’t trade being a mother for the world. I have a great family and wonderful friends who love me to death. I’m looking forward to tonight, Jess is coming to my parents for dinner and the baby and I are going to spend the night. Mom has volunteered to get up with Evan so that I can have a drink. Which reminds me, I need to make sure I pump today so have milk stored for his night feeding. He is like clockwork now. He eats at about 11 pm and then is up at 5 and back to sleep until usually 8 or so. I can deal with that. I have been staying up to feed him his late bottle so, getting up only once during the night is pretty great.
When we arrive at my parents, I take the baby in before making two more trips to and from the car. Geez, we are only staying one night, but he needs a lot of stuff. The house is decorated with balloons and streamers making me feel like I am a child again. My mother, the party planner that she is, always makes a big deal of decorations. There is a gorgeous centerpiece of flowers and candles on the table as well. Now, this arrangement is not childish. It is very elegant and donned with my favorites; lilies and roses. They are real too, I can smell them from here. She has really outdone herself. We are a little early, so Jessica isn’t here yet. My mother fixes me a glass of wine and I sip incredibly slowly on it. I know I will get a buzz for sure if I am too quick to drink it.
Finally, after an hour Jess arrives. She looks adorable in a pair of dark jeans and a coral colored sweater that hangs down past her butt. She gives me a huge hug and kiss and of course makes a beeline for the baby who is sleeping in my father’s arms. She so has baby fever.
“Happy birthday, Nettie. Get in my purse I have your present in there.” She nods over to her bag.
“You didn’t have to get me anything!” I can’t believe she would do that we’re too old to exchange gifts.
“It’s just something small, don’t worry.” She smiles and gives me a wink. I wonder what it is. I reach into her bag and pull out a CD with a red bow on it. I open it and it is a mix CD that simply reads, Birthday Mix, in black marker. “Get ready to dance baby! That’s the mix I made you for your 21st birthday. And I brought a cd player,” she giggles. She is the best. What a great idea. We are gonna have fun.
“I can’t wait to hear it!” I am gleaming. Something so small and it is incredibly thoughtful. We haven’t had a girl’s night in forever.
After yet another fantastic meal from my mother, we all enjoy a cup of coffee and make small talk. Before long, my mother offers to take the baby upstairs so we can get on with our girls’ night. My parents have a finished basement with a small bar and television room, so we grab our wine glasses and make our way down.
Jess pops in the CD and we both take a seat at the bar. I am anxious to hear what the first song is. As it begins to play, I smile immediately, it’s Sublime. Not exactly dancing music but certainly party music. I have a buzz already. This can’t be good. I still have a kid to take care of tomorrow. The next song up is a little old school JT. And that’s when we both get up and start dancing.
“Great idea on the music,” I say, already out of breath. I am bopping around with my wine still in hand and I know I look ridiculous. Oh, well I am letting loose and I don’t really care. We can’t stop laughing at each other because we think we are good dancers, but the truth
is, we’re not. We ARE however, masters at lip-syncing. We both are demonstrating by singing into our merlot glasses.
Once we begin to wear out, we take a seat on the carpeted floor of the basement and slow down the music. Then we do what we do best, talk. She tells me about her wedding ideas, and I give my input. I am so glad I will be able to fit into a bridesmaid’s dress.
“So, did you pick anything out yet, for us?” I ask.
“No, I want you to come with me. Maybe next week if you have time? I have it narrowed down to a few I found in magazines, but I haven’t seen them in person. I also think I found my dress and I need you to come give some input on that as well. They are at the same bridal shop.” She just has a sparkle in her eye.
“I am so happy for you Jess, really. You are going to be such a beautiful bride. Any dress you try on will be stunning. I can’t wait for your wedding, it is going to be a blast!” I love going to weddings and this one, for obvious reasons will be extra special. “I am just glad I know and like your fiancé. I couldn’t imagine if I didn’t.”
“Don’t worry. If you didn’t, I wouldn’t be getting married,” she snorts as she begins to giggle. I join right along with her. The funny thing is she is serious. “Well, really you’re like my sister and I have to have you around forever. I can’t have some man scaring you off.” We are like sisters. Both of us are only children and that made us bond even more than we would have otherwise. I would be the same way. If she didn’t like someone I dated, it would be the end of that. It’s probably unhealthy if you think about it, the codependence, but I don’t care. She is that important to me.
I wake up the next morning with a slight headache. Nothing I can’t handle but I hope it is not one of those progressive hangovers. I didn’t really drink that much but, being that I haven’t been drunk for so long, it didn’t take much. Jess is already gone. I don’t know if she snuck out last night or this morning. I hope she wouldn’t have driven drunk.
When I get upstairs my mom and Evan are up and he is enjoying his breakfast. I look at the clock in the kitchen and it is 8:30 am. Wow, that is sleeping in for me.
“How was your night dear?” She looks super tired. I wonder if he was up all night.
“Great! We had a lot of fun. Thanks for getting up with him,” I lean over with a kiss for him and my mom.
“He did pretty great for the most part, but man does he squeak during the night. I barely slept, thinking he was going to wake up every five minutes.”
“It was a great birthday Mom, thank you.” I take a quick shower and Evan and I go home to spend a lazy Sunday together watching movies. Yes, that sounds like a perfect day to me.
Chapter 17
The Nightmare
Today is Tuesday and it’s the day of the DNA test. I don’t know why I am so nervous about it. I know there isn’t anything to it. I just hate thinking about Sam or anything to do with him. I want to enjoy my life with Evan, and not think of all this custody shit. When we arrive at the clinic, Mr. Lewis is already sitting in the waiting room. He stands to greet me and looks at the baby with curiosity.
“Congratulations. He’s a cutie,” he has a genuine smile on his face. My, what babies do to people. It is so stinking cute.
“Thank you, I think so too.” He gestures his hand for me to sit and I comply. We don’t have to wait long before Sam’s lawyer shows. He acknowledges Mr. Lewis and tries to speak to me, but I pretend as though he isn’t there. I turn away to hide Evan’s face. I don’t want him telling Sam what my son looks like.
A very official man comes out and calls us into the back. He puts a pair of latex gloves on and informs us all how the process works. The baby is sleeping thankfully so it is not hard for the man to take a swab from the inside of his cheek. Evans face purses up as he does, but he never wakes. When we are finished, I say goodbye to Mr. Lewis, and he tells me it will take at least a few days for the results but he’ll call me as soon as he has them. Big fucking deal, I think. I already know the results. Isn’t this just a formality?
I walk directly past the other asshole lawyer and head straight to my red Honda. I need to wash this thing it is filthy from all the salt and snow. I have been thinking of maybe getting something bigger. I always have so much stuff to lug around with the baby. Oh well, one thing at a time, I guess. I can’t really afford anything right now anyway.
When we get home, we go about the rest of our normal day. I can’t wait for it to get nice outside, so we can go to the park and takes walks. I feel like we are trapped in this house. As much as I adore Evan, I’m just getting a little bored being cooped up like this. I try and call a few people, but no one answers. Oh yeah, everyone works. I decide now would be a good time for an impromptu photoshoot of little man. I pick out a few outfits and make a drop cloth with a white sheet I find. I use pillows and things to prop him up and take about a thousand pictures. One I have him with his head resting on a teddy bear in only his diaper. Another, I have a fedora hat that I found at the baby store and a black Windsor tie. I place him in his car seat for this one and he looks like a little gangster. I can’t help but laugh.
I need to get these printed today. At least some for myself. When we are finished, I get him back into some snuggly clothes and put him down for his nap. I sit with the computer for about two hours editing and cropping the photos. I email a few to my mother and print some small ones for myself. I put them into multi-sized photo frames, putting a few in the living room and my favorite with the hat on right beside my bed. He is too stinking cute. “I am one lucky lady,” I whisper to myself.
I am feeling a little lonely lately, though. Everyone is so busy with their lives and I feel like it’s just me and Evan. Not that it’s a bad thing, I just wish I had someone to talk to, an adult, I mean. All in good time. I will have a life again. Until then, I will cherish these nights when my son has no choice but to stay in with his mother.
I make dinner for myself and sit at the kitchen island. I was starving and I eat everything on my plate. Today has been a long day and I am looking forward to sleep. I begin our nightly ritual and give Evan a bath with the sleepy time lavender baby bath and put him in comfy jammies. I don’t know if the baby bath really works, but I like to think so. I enjoy our play and cuddles until his eleven o’clock feeding and we both turn in. I have been putting him in his crib at night to get him used to it and he is doing well, better than I expected. How did I get so lucky with this kid?
The first night was a bit of a challenge but he seems to like the little mobile above his head. I tuck him in and kiss him gently on the forehead smelling that soft lavender smell. “I love you, baby boy. I love you, my whole heart. See you for our five AM date,” I kiss him again and nuzzle his nose. I wind up his mobile and leave the room as rock a bye baby rings in the background. I crawl into bed myself and turn the monitor up so I can hear everything. The music relaxes me and soon I am asleep.
My sleep is disturbed with nightmares yet again. This time I am outside working in the garden on a summer day and I hear a car door. When I walk around to see who it is, I don’t recognize the car and quickly remember that Evan is in the pack and play out back. I try and run as fast as I can, but it’s as though I am trudging through mud. When the back yard is in eyesight, I find Sam smirking at me with the baby in his arms. He turns around and runs off with him. He is lightning fast and as I try to chase after him my feet move slower and slower until I am paralyzed. I am wailing and screaming but he is soon out of sight.
I bolt upright in my bed panting and sweating. It was just a dream. A nightmare. God, when will they stop? I can’t handle these much longer emotionally, or physically. I lie back in bed and take a deep relaxing breath to regain my composure. I turn and look out the window the sun is up. The sun is up? “It’s light outside?” I mutter quizzically. “Why didn’t Evan wake up?” I look at the bedside clock and it is 7:30 am. The monitor is silent. Why isn’t he up? Oh, God, my worst fears have come true.
I bolt into hi
s room as fast as I can, almost tripping in the hallway. When I burst through his doorway and get closer to the crib, I see he is there. I breathe a sigh of relief. Oh God, he must have just slept in. His sleeping just keeps getting better and better. I move closer to him. Reaching into the crib I pick him up and notice that he is limp. Oh, fuck, he is limp. I now notice his little lips are slightly blue and his face pale. Suddenly, panic consumes me. I am floating on the ceiling watching myself holding my infant son in my hands. I watch myself fall to the floor and hold my ear to his mouth. He is not breathing.
I try to get back in my body and when I do, I begin CPR, I don’t even know if I am doing it right. I tilt his tiny head back and place my mouth over his as well as his nose. I give a gentle breath and see his chest rise. I then place two fingers on his chest and pump three times. Oh, God am I doing this right? I realize that I somehow need to get help. I am breathing so rapidly that I am beginning to get lightheaded. I am screaming and crying choking on my own breath.
I carry him to the living room and place him on the floor. I dial 911 as fast as possible and continue what I am doing. I don’t hear a word the woman is saying I simply give her my address and tell her to hurry. I am hysterical. I don’t even recognize myself. I am screaming for him to wake up, screaming for him to breathe. “Please baby, wake up! Oh God baby, don’t leave me. I can’t lose you. Don’t leave me. Be strong my little warrior, be strong Evan!” Please, God let this be another nightmare please, please. I squeeze my eyes as tight as I can and open them again.
Through my clouded eyes, he is still there in front of me and now it isn’t just his lips but his whole face that is blue. I scoop him up in my arms and hold him weeping cursing screaming. NO, NO, NO please NO! Just then the paramedics arrive, and I am still clenching onto Evan. They pry him from my arms, as I collapse like a rag doll on the floor screaming at God, cursing him, and praying at the same time. Pleading to save my son.
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