“I think I met someone,” I say bluntly
“You met someone? Wow, when? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“No, it’s just recent and it is actually an odd story. I’ll tell you all about him this weekend.” Just then my phone beeps and it is another call. “Speak of the devil Jess I think he’s calling. Can I let you go?”
“Yes, yes by all means. You better be prepared to give me every little detail! I’ll talk to you later.” She hangs up before I answer my other call. I take a quick breath.
“Hello?”
“Hey.” Oh, his voice makes me melt.
“I’m glad you called,” I didn’t really expect him not to.
“I said I would. I never say anything I don’t mean.” I wish he was here. “I miss you.”
What? He misses me? He is very forthcoming. I don’t think I have ever met a man who hasn’t played some sort of game with my emotions.
“You do?” My heart is beating a mile a minute and my palms are sweaty.
“Sorry, I should have kept that to myself.” I can hear an embarrassing giggle. “It’s just well, I do. I had a great time with you this morning. And you have to remember that I’ve been pining away for nearly a year over you.” Pining for me? What the hell! This is so exciting! Even though I just started talking to him it’s like we’ve known each other forever. I was hoping these feelings weren’t just on my end of things.
“No, it just surprised me, that’s all. The truth is I have been thinking about you all day. I miss you too,” I cannot contain my smile, in fact, my cheeks hurt from my enormous grin. I can hear him audibly sigh.
“Oh, thank God, I thought I was going to scare you off!” No way. Not happening. I am falling hard and fast myself. And I am not easily frightened…anymore.
We talk for hours with ease. This is the first night in a long time that I can remember that I don’t feel the need to drown my sorrows. We talk about everything under the sun. He explains more about the boy in the hospital, Cameron. He is intense when speaks about him, and I can tell he cares for him immensely. Apparently, Cameron has been battling cancer for some time now, but Linc is hopeful that he will beat it. Just when I think there isn’t anything else for us to possibly talk about, something random comes up and we talk and talk. His tone changes with each subject. When we talk about his family, he is very serious and warm. I can tell he loves them very much. He has the same care for his patients as he talks about them, as well.
He speaks a little bit about his ex-wife, but I don’t push the subject. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. He asks me about Evan’s father, and I freeze. This is the first time I have been truly uncomfortable in this conversation. I debate on whether to get into this now or later.
“Well, it’s a very, very long story that I will eventually tell you about. But for now, can we not? I’m sorry. You have been so open and honest with me I just…” He interrupts me.
“Hey, I don’t want to make you talk about anything you don’t want to. If it is a touchy subject, you don’t need to tell me anything. It’s none of my business.” Touchy is the understatement of the universe.
“Thank you, I appreciate that. I will tell you though, sometime.” He is smart, charming, loving, caring, and funny. On paper and in person he is a perfect man. I hope he sticks around for a while.
“Well, I hate to do this Nettie, but I do have to be up in about three hours.” I look at the clock. Wow, we have been talking longer than I thought. “Believe me, I don’t want to hang up this phone, but I know I will be dragging tomorrow if I don’t.”
“It’s fine. I am tired too.” I don’t want to hang up. I don’t want to hang up.
“When can I see you again?” Now, I think to myself. I want to see him now.
“What about this weekend?” I don’t want to wait that long.
“This weekend it is. Can I call you again tomorrow?” Woo hoo! I feel like jumping up and down. I hope we make a ritual of our nightly talks.
“Yes,” I say simply trying to hide my, over the moon excitement.
“Good, same time then. Have a good night, Nettie.”
“You too. And Linc, I noticed you too, ya know. When we met before. In fact, I remember checking to see if you had a wedding ring on.” I laugh out loud at myself. I sound ridiculous.
“Did you? Well, I am glad. I haven’t been this giddy in a long time.”
“Me either. Good night, Lincoln.” I don’t want to hang up.
“Goodnight.”
When we hang up all I want to do is pick up the phone and call him right back. I know I can’t, but I want to. I want him to be here. Shit, I am going to have to cancel on Jess for this weekend. She is going to be pissed. I think about going to bed, but I am not even tired. How am I going to sleep after such a wonderful conversation? I try to sleep because it is late, but I can’t. I make my way onto the couch and turn on some old reruns. I have no idea what time I finally fall asleep, but when I do, I am thinking of him.
The next morning, I call my mother to see how she and my father are doing. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I feel like I have some making up to do with my family. They were there for me so much and I have been, well, a bitch to them. When my mother answers she sounds like she is in a pretty good mood.
“Darling, how are you? I am so glad you called me. I didn’t want to bother you, but I wanted to hear all about it. So, tell me, you met someone. Who is he? What does he look like? How did you meet him?” I am going to kill Jessica! She had to have called my mother as soon as we got off the phone last night. Geez, I don’t want everyone knowing about Linc. I wanted some privacy for a while. Who’s to even say things will work out with him? Maybe I don’t want him to meet my family.
“Well, first of all Mother, you just asked me about a thousand questions. Secondly, I am pissed that Jess would tell you about him!” I am sure she will have a coronary if I don’t tell her every detail.
“How do you know that Jessica is the one who told me?” Oh, please. Don’t try and get yourself out of this one.
“Well, let’s see… because she is the only person I told.”
“Oh.” Yeah, Oh!
“Listen, Mom, I don’t know what this is yet. I just know that I met a very nice man and I like talking to him, that’s all.” That’s not all and I know it. There is much more to this I can feel it in my bones. He is special.
“Well, good for you then. Jessica said you sounded very happy. Don’t be mad at her, she was just excited for you. We all are.” We? So that must mean Dad knows too. Argh, sometimes my family is so infuriating. They need to mind their own business. I am completely over our conversation and end it before I say anything to upset her. When we hang up, I send Jess merely a text acknowledging that she has a big mouth. The text I receive in reply is a half-assed apology and a winking smiley face. She isn’t sorry. She is a gossip.
I decide today I am going to do something different. I place my phone on the speaker charger and start some music. I put on my 90’s station. It is perfect cleaning music. I deep clean my house for the first time since the baby. Organizing and throwing out a much as I can stand to, without getting anxiety. My mother has been having a cleaning woman come every week. Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I need to start to do things on my own again. Since I am on a roll, I decide to head to the grocery store. I spend a good two hours there. The cart is so full that I can barely push it myself.
“Three hundred and eight dollars and thirty-seven cents.” The teenaged cashier says through her gum chomping teeth.
Holy shit! I hand her my credit card and load up the cart again with the bagged items. I wouldn’t mind cooking tonight. I wouldn’t mind cooking for Linc. God, why can’t I stop thinking about him? I wonder what he is doing right now. His beautiful eyes flash into my mind. Those mesmerizing deep chocolate brown eyes. I feel like I have hit the jackpot with him. I hope I am not just building him up in my head. And I hope that I don’t get hurt. God knows I cannot de
al with any more hurt.
Once home I put away my groceries and realize I have gotten way too much. My mother has been stocking my pantry for me, but she only gets the things that she wants. Now, I have no room to put things away. Oh well. I take comfort in the fact that at least I have felt well enough to resume some of my pre-Samuel activity. The pieces of my life will come back together. The last few days have been proof of that. Lincoln’s words come back to me: “Yes, it will. The pain will never go away…ever. But it will get better.”
I can be better. Just because I have been dealt a shitty hand at life so far, doesn’t mean that I can’t change it now. I can’t change what has happened, but I can move forward or try to at least. Alright, I need some therapy time now. Enough being normal for one day. As I make my daily trip to the gun range, I find that I am not as anxious to get there. My fantasy has not changed. I want to take out Sam the second I have a chance and I know that I will. He won’t be able to stay away when he gets out. He wants to kill me too. I cannot let my guard down for a moment. He is a monster and he will try his damndest to get at me. I have received about one letter a month from him since the only one that I opened. I have resumed the normal, pretend they don’t exist game. I must fight the urge every time to open it. I really should use them as motivation. Although, if I hated him any more than I already do, I would probably be completely mad. They would have to lock me up as well. Yeah, I should just continue to avoid them altogether.
As I am shooting all the stress releases from my body. Shooting to me is like going to the spa for my mother. I think briefly about when I want to tell Linc about Sam and the assault. I really need to. Especially the way things are going. I don’t want things getting physical until I talk to him. He needs to know that I am wary of intimacy right now. Not that I was ever really that great at it before. Maybe I should bring it up this weekend. The last thing I want to do is scare him off. I’ll have to give it some more thought. I can’t wait until he calls me tonight. I have a smirk on my face when I feel a tap on the shoulder. “Shit!” I quickly turn and standing behind me, is Hank. I still have my gun in hand.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you, but I was yelling, and you didn’t hear me.” He has both hands up in the air.
I lower the gun and take my headphones off. “You scared the shit out of me Hank! What’s the problem?”
“Oh, nothing I just wanted to let you know we are closing early tonight for maintenance. You have a half-hour.” He points to the clock behind him.
“Okay, no problem. I’ll wrap it up.”
When I leave I have a strange feeling. I’m not quite as satisfied as I would normally be after leaving there. I realize maybe it’s because I haven’t been so hung up on my anger the past few days. I can’t wait to get home and talk to Lincoln again. I can’t imagine what we could possibly have left to talk about, given that we spent most of last night enthralled in conversation. I don’t mind sitting in silence with him either. I wonder what we’ll do this weekend. My mind begins to wander to things I haven’t thought of in so long. I want to have some sort of closeness with him. Some sort of physical connection. Yes, I need to tell him sooner than later about my situation. That’s all there is to it. If he can’t handle it then he isn’t the man for me. I wince at the thought. I hope he can handle it.
My phone rings at a little after eight. “Always so prompt.” I say softly. I really love this about him. No games.
“I do what I say, and I say what I do,” his voice is hushed.
“Is everything okay you sound quiet?” he takes a deep breath.
“Can I come over?” My heart begins to race with anticipation.
“Yes, of course.” I try to contain my excitement, but I don’t think I did a very good job.
“I’ll be there shortly,” his voice doesn’t give much away and when we hang up, I just stare out the window, waiting. I am chomping at the bit to see him. It’s not long before I see his car pull into the driveway and I light up. I meet him at the door, and he has a dazed look on his beautiful face. Oh, no what is wrong?
“Are you alright?” My pulse begins to quicken.
“Yeah, yeah I am fine. Better than fine actually.” Oh? What is he talking about?
“Cameron, the boy you met at the hospital?” I nod. “He’s in remission.” He cannot contain his beaming grin. It stretches from ear to ear and his dimple is deep. He looks like a child on Christmas morning. I give him a quick smack on the shoulder.
“You scared me!” Then without thinking I throw my arms around him and squeeze him tight. He doesn’t miss a beat and wraps his arms around my waist. As he does, he lifts me slightly so that just my toes are barely touching the floor. I can feel him nuzzle his nose into my hair. “That is wonderful! I’ll bet you are just ecstatic!” I pull away from him expecting a response. When I do, he is looking at me with such intensity in his eyes and I know he is going to kiss me. He leans forward and pauses a moment I think waiting for permission and I nod. His mouth curves into a satisfying grin and slowly he leans forward, and our lips meet. I feel the butterflies overwhelm me and I am lost in his kiss. He is by far the best kisser I have ever had the pleasure of being in a lip lock with. His hands move gently up onto either side of my face and he pulls away softly. He plants one more quick, gentle kiss on my lips. I force my eyes open. For a moment we are completely silent and lost in a gaze.
“Wow,” I whisper.
“Yeah, wow,” he mimics.
“I think I should tell you about Evans…um, biological father.” His eyes change and he looks almost stunned. Not exactly the response he was expecting I suppose. I feel like I need to tell him before I lose the nerve.
“Ok,” he says with confusion.
“Maybe we should sit,” I wave my hand to the couch and he makes his way over, taking his coat off as he does. Silently I go into the kitchen and pour each of us a glass of red wine. As I hand him his he looks up at me bewildered.
“Oh, it’s that bad that I am going to need this?” You have no idea.
“Yes.” He takes a long drink, as do I. Here goes nothing. “A few years ago, I was walking home from work with a friend of mine.” I hold up my fingers and make air quotes when I say the word friend. He waits for me to continue. “It was someone I had known since high school. And well, he attacked me.” I look down at my hands not wanting to see his reaction. “He beat me up, bad. He also, um, raped me,” I cringe at the word. “He could have killed me. He nearly did,” I take a deep breath and will myself to continue. He doesn’t say a word and I am thankful. If he did, I may fall apart at the seams. “Evan was the result of that attack,” I look up at him and he looks angry. So angry, and sad. Oh, yes, the pity look. I should have expected that. “Long story short, he is in jail and I decided to have the baby, despite how he was conceived. I felt as though it was meant to be. I was so in love with Evan. He was my world, and then…”
“Oh, God Nettie, I am so sorry,” He slowly reaches to put his hand on my knee, and I don’t resist him. “I shouldn’t have just kissed you like that. I didn’t know.” Oh no I didn’t even think of that.
“No, no, no I wanted you to. I mean, I wouldn’t have let you if I didn’t want you to,” I place my hands on his. “I just wanted you to know that I haven’t been with anyone since. This is new to me. I never thought I would want anyone to touch me again.” His eyes soften and I notice a small furrow in his brow “What?” I say.
“I just didn’t know you felt that way.” I can feel my face redden.
“I think it’s pretty obvious that we have, well, chemistry, for lack of a better word.”
“No, it was obvious to me, I just didn’t know it was obvious to you,” now he is the one blushing. “Remember, I have been looking at you for months and months, just waiting to talk to you.” He is so sweet. I wish he had done it sooner. But if he had, would I have been so receptive? Maybe the universe just knew I would be ready now.
“I just want you to be patient with
me. I am broken.” His eyes are sad again. “Talking with you, being with you these last few days have woken up a part of me that I thought I would never know again. I want to thank you for that,” he flashes me a smile but that sad look is still in his eyes.
“I feel the same way about you,” he brushes my face with the back of his hand. “May I?” he asks shyly.
“Yes, please,” and he kisses me again. This time very slow and sweet. Cautious almost. I couldn’t have dreamt up a better man if I tried. For the first time in a very long time, I feel lucky.
Chapter 28
Two Months Later…The Anniversary
I am exhausted when I wake. Infomercials are still playing on the television. I glance at the clock, it is 5 am. One of the worst anniversaries of my life. A day that I cannot forget. I have been having nightmares and it’s no surprise. Today is exactly two years since my life was changed forever. Since Sam put his imprint on my life. Whether it was for better or for worse, it doesn’t matter. The start of a rollercoaster of emotion and change. I wish that someday this date will be erased from my mind. I know I can wish all I want but, it will never happen. Sam’s face flashes in my mind. The look he had on his face when he raped me was terrifying. I miss Linc. I wish I would have had him stay here last night. He offered, but I knew I would have a rough night. I didn’t want him seeing me like this.
We have seen one another every day for the past few months. I am head over heels in love with him, although I have yet to say the words to him. I want to call him. He will be doing his rounds.
I should wait a while. I don’t want to worry him by calling this early. Oh, but I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice. He has been an angel, sent to me. Piece by piece he has slowly put me back together. We have spent time with my family together. Even Jess, Colton, and Matthew have met him. He has passed their tests with flying colors. They love him just as much as I do. He has brought me back from the dead. I owe him my life.
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