by A. E. Murphy
I wipe the drool from the corner of my mouth and glance at Niall who is sleeping beside me.
“Huh?”
“The pirate wants to see you.”
Fuck.
I roll out of bed as quiet as a mouse and tiptoe across the room, avoiding every creaking step.
“I’ll visit and we’ll talk about this. Get off the phone before you get caught.”
“Not getting caught,” he whispers and chuckles. “Trust me.”
“The last time you said that you ended up behind bars.”
“Fuck, sis, you gotta throw that at me now?”
I cringe. “Sorry, I’m tired and grumpy.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Just a bit.”
“It’s four in the morning.”
“I’ve been negotiating with the pirate, sleep hasn’t greeted us yet.”
Of course he has.
I roll my eyes and open my mouth, ready to answer when Niall calls my name, sounding panicked.
I hang up the phone and flush the toilet while calling back, “In here.”
“Everything okay?” he asks, calmer now that he knows I haven’t disappeared in the night.
I wash my hands quickly and open the door as water drips from between my fingers. “Baby is weighing on my bladder.”
“I thought we had time before the sleepless nights kicked in,” he mutters, sounding amused.
I wrap my arms around his neck and he walks me back towards the bed. “I had such a great night last night.”
“Me too,” he breathes against my lips and then tastes them briefly.
I stiffen, not because of him but because of my own issues. This moment in time is just disturbing some of the sweeter memories of Captain Calder that I’ve been trying to bury. It doesn’t matter what Niall does or says, Calder will always be that ghost between us and his lips I’ll always crave. He’s a drug to me, despite all he did. The thought of seeing him again on my own terms terrifies me and titillates me all at the same time.
I’m back again, it’s nothing new being here but this time it brings with it so many emotions. The last I saw of Calder was in my bedroom, being verbally destroyed by Niall. Or that’s how it felt.
I’m patted down, my things are placed in a locker and I’m given a ticket for the key. Except this time when I’m led into the visiting quarters I’m led in a new direction and taken through a heavy metal gate.
The prison guard doesn’t explain where we’re going and I don’t expect him to. Nor do I ask. I’m terrified he’ll go running to Niall. What if they know each other? Niall will never understand why I’m doing this because to be honest I don’t know why I am.
I need to see him, to look into his eyes and ask him what it all meant, why he kept me, protected me, drugged me.
My heart starts its rapid pace as my heels click on the cold, sterile prison floor. The cream is flecked with blue shards of colour, like that of our local hospital. My mind will wander anywhere right now to stay off the topic of the man my brother has asked me to see on his behalf.
The guard turns to the left and the door opens, it has a flap on the door which likely opens to give them a view of the inside without having to open the door fully.
I clear my throat and shift nervously when he opens the door, motions for me to enter and waits for me patiently to take that first step.
“Don’t tell Niall,” I plead quietly, like a coward.
He doesn’t respond and I finally enter.
The room is small with only a table in the centre. A table in which Calder is chained to. This is like something out of the movies. He has a lot of range but not so much that he can stand. He can scratch his nose if he wants to but that’s about it.
“No funny business,” the guard barks and slams the door behind me, making me leap forward a step.
“Rain,” Calder mutters, his tone dark, deep, and deadly. I look up, dragging my eyes from the shackles on his wrists to the tattoo on his neck that creeps above the collar of his beige jumpsuit. His hair skims along the edge of his collar. Hair I want to tug on as he bites the delicate flesh of my skin.
Our eyes meet and this time I’m ready for it.
They still wind me, the depth of their colour and emotion, the ferocity of their glare.
“Captain,” I reply, standing with my hands clenched into fists by my side.
“No kiss?” His lips twitch with a smirk when I scowl at him and fold my arms over my front protectively. “Come on, Rain, don’t be like that. I’m kidding.”
When I don’t budge he sighs heavily and nods for me to sit opposite but his eyes drag down my form as I go. I’m wearing a loose-fitting long, black top and waist-high jeans to conceal my small bump. “You look… incredible.”
I hear the intensity in his words as heavily as I feel it from his eyes. “Don’t.”
“You do.”
“I know I do,” I reply harshly and his smirk becomes a toothy smile. The kind that narrows his eyes and forms lines around his mouth that I want to trace with my tongue. This man and his power over me…
Just a look can slay me and make me want to drop my knickers and bend over the table in his face. He makes me shameless and I don’t even like him anymore.
“Why didn’t you run?” I ask because it’s the question that has played on my mind since that night.
“I was betrayed, I thought I had more time.” His smile slowly slips away and a scowl takes its place making the green of his eyes flare with bitterness.
“What?”
“Millie and another, they were supposed to tell me when Niall started to make his journey home. It’s my own stupidity that landed me in here.” He calms his features and breathes through his nose. “I’m dealing with it.”
“From in here?”
He smiles like before but this time it’s crooked and it has me squirming in my seat.
“You terrify me.”
“Not as much as you terrify me, Rain.” He turns over his shackled hand so his knuckles rest against the surface of the desk. His palm beckons me to touch it, to trace the lines and tiny white scarring with my fingers. “I crave the feel of your skin against mine.”
“Stop it,” I order firmly while glaring at him. “Don’t do that.”
He leans forward and lowers his voice. “I know I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness…”
“You drugged me.” I rip my hand through my hair and feel it fall in waves around my face. “You then tried to kidnap me again.”
“One, you weren’t calming down, I just wanted to help you relax. Two… I was desperate. I needed more time, I never intended to keep you if you didn’t want to stay.” His tone is sincere but I don’t believe a word he says. Do I?
“It’s unforgivable.”
“No, it’s not.”
We stare at each other for the longest time, until I find myself blinking and shying away. “You fucked another woman, Calder.”
The room stills as his regret pours between us like acid into an empty cavity. “I wanted to hurt you.”
“Exactly. You wanted to hurt me.”
“And I did and I hate myself for that but at least I know where we stand,” he reaches for my hand and for a moment I let him take it. “You love me. You want to be with me. You were born for that life. You fit in with everyone.”
“That life is gone, Calder. It literally sailed away.”
He cups my hand between his. “It didn’t. As soon as I return…”
“How?” I pull free and motion to the room. “How will you get out of here and return to your ship?”
He puts his finger to his lips and then holds out his hand to me. “Come here, Rain.”
“You’re kidding right?”
“Come here,” he commands and I almost move but quickly keep my wits about me.
“I should go.”
He begs, “Wait. Don’t go. Not yet.”
“We have nothing left to say to each other. It’s over, Captain. Just leav
e me alone.”
“Rain,” he pleads when I move to the heavy metal door and raise a hand to bang on it. “Please.”
I punish myself and look at him over my shoulder, his sad eyes reach mine and his lips mime the word “please.”
“I can’t be with a man who hurts me to prove a point. It’s toxic.” I swallow. “But you’re right, I did love you, I do love you, but it’s not enough.”
He doesn’t reply and I wish I’d never come.
I bang on the door and as soon as it opens and closes behind me, I feel like my world got locked in there with it.
There’s a loud crashing noise but the guard doesn’t seem perturbed. He guides me out as I wipe away my silent tears and head home to do the one thing I should have done the moment I got back.
I haven’t been fair to Niall. The truth is, the girl that was in love with him doesn’t exist anymore. The woman I am now needs to figure things out on her own.
Calder’s anguished eyes will haunt me forever, but Niall’s I can live with. I feel guilty of course, but they don’t eat at my happiness and innocence.
I look around my old bedroom, I’ve been here a few days now. My toes sink into the plush pink rug and my hands grip the satin throw that my mother washed the day I arrived. It smells of fresh linen in a way that only your mother’s house can smell.
I equal parts love and hate being here. Love it because it’s home but hate it because it shows my failure.
My phone rings—it’s either Niall or my brother. I don’t check. They’ve both been ringing me non-stop since I left a week ago. Something I should have done the first time I flinched when Niall kissed me.
I feel awful, of course I do, but there’s little I can do about it. I’ve changed and there’s no changing back.
“Tea?” Mum calls up the stairs. Tea is her cure for everything. She says if you can smile, even a fraction during your darkest day then the day isn’t wasted. That’s why when I hear her voice, my lips twitch with a smile and I know I’m going to be okay.
“No, thanks, Mum. I’m good.”
She walks away, humming.
My hand goes to my stomach. I can do this alone. Mum raised twins alone, she can help me with one.
Though will she be as infuriatingly protective with this one as she was with me?
When my phone rings again I sigh heavily and look at the flash of the words “private number” on the screen.
I gingerly bring it to my ear after sliding the green call icon to the right with my thumb.
“You just couldn’t play nice, could you?” My brother’s tone is clipped in a way I know I do not deserve. “I asked you to keep him sweet.”
“Excuse me?”
“He’s my ticket to freedom, sister of mine. I thought you wanted me out of here?”
My heart stops briefly as a wave of guilt strikes me. “I do want you out! Why does the captain have to be a part of that?”
“Captain has a ship, Rain. Did you put any thought into where I go when I escape?”
“Of course I have,” I hiss, kicking my door shut and pacing my room to the window. “It’s all I’ve thought about since you were incarcerated.”
He growls and I hear him kick something, a metal bucket perhaps. “Well they’re talking about transferring your fucking boyfriend.”
“What?” I grip the windowsill with my free hand. “Why?”
“He kicked off after your visit and put two guards and three inmates in med. He fucked them up something bad. Never seen a man so enraged. The fuck you say to him?”
“N… nothing I just ended things.”
“You didn’t think to wait until after I got out?”
I close my eyes, thoughts of my injured brother playing out in my mind. It hurts too much to bear. “Will he get you?”
“No, he won’t touch me, he needs me right now.”
Biting my lip I look over the quiet cul-de-sac where I grew up and wonder why life can’t be stable and steady for longer than a week at a time. “Is he okay?”
“No idea, I doubt it. Guards are fucking animals. Should be in here with us, not dictating to us. He fucked up two of them bad, they’ll return the favour.”
“River, is this my fault? Did I do this?”
“No, Rain, it’s your man’s fault for making that choice.” His voice is gruff and sincere. I almost believe him.
“What can I do?”
“Don’t know, Rain. Genuinely don’t have a fucking clue. Talk him down. Try to visit. Who cares, just do something.”
“If he’s in isolation how am I supposed to do any of that?”
“You’re good at manipulating people, figure it out.”
I am reeling at his comment but also secretly agreeing because I am. I’ve always been good at wrapping people around my fingers, even inadvertently. There’s just something about innocent eyes and a cry for help that can’t be ignored.
“This is the last time I help him, River.”
“You’re not helping him, you’re helping me. Talk him down, get him into main with the rest of us.”
“You think they’re keeping him in isolation because of his behaviour or because they want to fuck with him?”
“Doesn’t matter, if they think he’s got somebody on the outside who cares about him enough to cause a stir they’ll put him back in main. I’ve got a plan, sis. A good one. But it’s time-sensitive. I need him here.”
“It just had to be him,” I mutter. “I’ll do what I can. Might take me a couple of days.”
Sometimes in life we have to do bad things to good people. It’s just the way shit goes. I don’t like it but I only see one way forward.
“What are you going to do?”
“Something really fucking stupid probably.”
“Where are you going?” Mum asks, looking concerned as I hitch my bag over my shoulder and check my lipstick in the mirror on the wall.
“To see River,” I reply.
“Please tell him to allow me the same honour.”
“Mum.” I take her soft, wrinkled hand in mine. “You can’t un-see him like that.”
“So you both tell me.” She moves to the kettle and turns it on. “At least hug him for me.”
“Of course!” I give her a hug too from behind and inhale her peppermint scent. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Keep my grandchild safe.”
“Always,” I reply gently and roll a hand over my stomach. “Love you.”
“Love you more, poppet.”
Smiling, I leave and head to the train station. I could take the car but ever since I spoke to River I’ve been paranoid about being followed. What I’m essentially doing is aiding a criminal to escape. If I help River, I help Calder. I don’t know what they’ve been talking about or what plan they have in place. What I do know is that what I’m about to do could get me thrown in a completely different jail cell.
I can do this, it will go smoothly.
I check my phone as we travel along the smooth tracks underground. Flashes of dark and light pass through the windows, casting ominous shadows within the dark train. I picked the carriage with the broken light because I have a migraine brewing and there’s just something peaceful about the dark today.
When I see Niall’s name beside the little text message icon my heart flutters and my eyes water. My feelings for Niall are beyond comprehension at this point. I love him too much to saddle him with the child of another because of the guilt he feels. I love him too much to leave him in the shadow of another man I shouldn’t love but do.
Niall: The pram you wanted just arrived. What do you want me to do with it?
I had completely forgotten about that.
The sound of a baby crying from somewhere else on the train makes me shiver. I have to focus. I can’t deal with this today.
Rain: Whatever you want. Send it back. You paid for it.
By the time I make it to the prison he hasn’t replied so I tuck my phone away and approach the dark blue Saab
parked at the edge of the carpark. A man exits the vehicle, the same man who represented my brother in his trial.
He looks around me as though waiting for his assassination and then curtly informs me, “This is the last favour I do for your family, Ms Hyde.”
He checks his short brown hair in the window of his car, licks his fingers and slicks back the flick of hair tickling his thick brow.
“Come along,” he instructs, sounding impatient.
“Why must you come this time? You didn’t last time.”
“The prison is under a new administration. Ever since the person you’re visiting put two of their guards in hospital, they’re being a bit stricter with who comes and goes.”
Of course they are. Fucking Calder.
I follow closely on his heels to an entrance different to last time. He speaks to a guard which leads to demanding for whoever is in charge, and finally, after some shouting about seeing his client, we are taken to a room by two guards and essentially left to our own devices once the door is open.
The second I step inside bile rises in my throat and my hand flies to my mouth.
Calder smiles, stretching a split in his lip, causing it to bleed. His eye is dark red and so swollen it is open little more than a slit. His beautiful dark curls are no more, instead his hair has been cut so violently he has healing scabs on his head in the centre of patches.
He sits in a cushioned chair, one arm and hand holding his ribs and abdomen.
“What have they done to you?” I demand, approaching Calder without apology. Tears fill my eyes when he inhales a rattling breath so sharp it’s a wonder he’s still breathing at all. “This… it can’t be allowed.”
“It isn’t,” the solicitor, Ian, barks. “But it’s what he gets for what he did. Don’t you have anything to say?”
Calder sneers at the suited man beside me but stays silent.
“Why am I not surprised?” Ian snarls. “I’ve demanded they remove you from ISO.”
“He needs medical attention.” I gently touch Calder’s swollen cheek. “Can you talk? Can you move?”
“I’m fine,” he rumbles, sitting more upright. “They haven’t killed me.”