by A. E. Murphy
“Maybe he can help when he’s back?”
I look away, staring at the faces of his guards who wait in the distance, alert and stern looking. “I don’t want or need his help.”
“Then Calder… it’s his kid. He can probably help out financially.”
“No!” I blurt, startling the people around us. I pull him away to a more private spot. “I’m not ready to tell him yet.”
“Why?” He dips his head to catch my eyes. “He deserves to know. That’s his kid too.”
“What if he takes him from me?”
River presses his hand to my stomach again with so much tenderness. “I won’t let him. Besides, way this is going we’re not going to be out for another year minimum. He can’t take him from you behind bars.”
“Promise?”
“On my life and honour.”
“Do you think he’ll care?”
“That man loves you. He loves you so much he tried to make me swear not to tell you about how he’s being treated.” He holds my hands in his. “He doesn’t want you to worry.”
My entire body tenses. “How is he being treated?”
“Not great, Rain. I’m doing what I can to protect him but he sealed his fate with the guards the moment he took two of them out. They’re recovering but that’s not the point.”
Calder… what have you done?
“Can you get me another private meeting with him?”
“It’s not a drop-in hotel, Rain. You’ll have to come during visiting hours like everybody else.”
I nod sadly.
After another moment of looking around at the solemn people I rub my eyes with my hands. The weight of my grief and everything else is killing me. It’s twisting and turning inside, filling me with rage and confusion. I want to blame somebody, I want to scream, but instead I just calmly breathe and let it go. For now. Until a better time.
“I don’t know how to do this without Mum, River. She’s just… I miss her.”
“We’re never going to stop missing her. She’s all we had outside of the fake cunts around us.”
Sniffling like a child I cry, “I never told her the truth about what we did. She still thinks it was all you.”
“She never thought it was all me.” He’s smiling again, it’s not happy, but more longing. Like looking back on a fond memory. “Besides. She forgave me, she’ll forgive you too.”
“You should have let her visit.”
His shoulders sag, my words have hurt him and now I feel bad. “I know. That’ll be my biggest regret. Not getting to see her one more time before she died.”
“We have each other, and you have a nephew to care for so you need to concentrate on getting out.”
“I’m working on it; time and patience is key.”
I shake my head and grip the front of his borrowed suit. “No, I mean it, I can’t. I know I can’t do this without you.”
“Rain.”
“I’m scared, River. Terrified. I need you.”
His eyes glisten with unshed tears. “You can. You’re so strong, and brave…”
“I don’t feel it.” I rest my forehead against his shoulder.
His frustration gets the better of him and he bellows over to his guards, “Undo these fucking cuffs so I can hug my sister!”
They look at each other, decide something non-verbally and shake their head at him.
He mutters under his breath a lot of curse words aimed at them. Then, after a long sigh he promises, “It’s going to be hard but I know I can get out. I’ll need your help. I loathe to ask you in your condition but…”
“You have me.”
He smiles sadly. “And it’s all well and good escaping but if I have nowhere to go when I do, I’m just going to double my sentence.”
“Maybe mum will guide us now, to ensure your victory?” We both look up at the sky with tears in our eyes. “Do us a solid, Mum. Help us just one last time.”
A rain drop hits my cheek. Just one. It rolls to my lip and I taste it with my tongue.
That was a sign. I don’t care what anybody says. That was a sign.
“Okay, River. What’s the plan?”
He blows out a breath. “Well there would need to be a riot…”
“What? Why?”
“That’s where you come in.”
His gentle, imploring smile has me shrinking back. “What do you need from me?”
“How’s your knowledge on anatomy?”
Oh boy…
It’s a free for all. I watch as strangers tear through my mother’s belongings. Lifting things and haggling with Melissa. She’s being amazing, my rock. Heavily pregnant though she is, she’s not taking any shit from anybody.
“Have some compassion, her mother just died,” I’ve heard her bark twice already.
Compassion… what’s that? Does it exist in this crowd of vultures? Doubtful.
We labelled everything with a price, we expected some haggling but there are people who are so fucking rude.
If it says twenty-five quid, do not then offer seven, you ignorant fucktard.
Melissa stretches her back after taking money from more people. Then she takes a tentative step in my direction. “How are you doing, supermum?”
“I’d be lost without you today,” I admit and I mean it one hundred percent.
She squeezes my shoulder and I place my hand over hers, until somebody else speaks with an attitude I don’t appreciate.
“Who sells a second-hand lamp for fifty quid.”
“It’s a Tiffany lamp with receipt of authentication, it’s worth a lot more,” I respond, scowling at the woman who is now scowling at me.
“Fine. I’ll have it, it’ll look amazing in that alcove, won’t it, Robert?” she insists, pulling on her husband’s, partner’s, whatever he is to her, arm.
“Nice,” he adds, looking as dead on the outside as I feel inside.
I walk away, needing a moment to breathe so I can cry. The house is empty, even with all these people and all the leftover furniture. My body trembles as I fight to stay composed. The walls once full of images are now blank spaces with tiny nails sticking out. I packed the pictures away and tossed the frames into a box by the door.
This hurts. It hurts too much.
I don’t have a home anymore.
I’ll have a bit of cash from her things, more cash from her life insurance, her car, and a house that I can’t afford to keep. I have nowhere to go once this place is empty.
How can life keep throwing me these wicked things to overcome? It’s cruel.
“Rain?” Niall’s deep voice calls from the front door. “Rain…” He sees me and we stare at each other. “Rain, I’m so sorry, I came as soon as I heard.”
My lip starts to tremble and my knees buckle. He catches me before I hit the floor.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers, stroking my hair and holding me tightly as I sob into his chest. “I’ve got you. It’s okay.”
He kisses the top of my hair and leads me into the kitchen where he closes the door behind us. “Everything is falling apart, Niall.”
“Shh,” he whispers, holding me as tight as physically possible. “I’m here now.”
Melissa helps us pack away the remaining furniture and belongings. A lot has gone but a lot is still left. None of it I want.
I can’t look at her cream couch without seeing her sitting there drinking her miracle cure commonly known as tea. I can’t feel the fuzzy rug beneath my feet without remembering her beating it like a boxer outside every couple of weeks.
I just can’t. All of this is too much.
“You’re staying at mine tonight,” he insists.
“Niall-—”
“No, I’ll not hear of it. Not tonight. You’re coming with me. We’ll figure the rest out tomorrow.”
I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to be anywhere else tonight. Niall was my comfort for so long and I need him. I need his arms. Though I need somebody else’s even more
.
“Okay.” I sniffle, wiping my nose on a tissue.
Three hours later I’m in his bed, in his blanket, with him curled around me keeping me warm and safe. Niall saved the day, yet again. Despite the fact I’ve made him no promises.
He’s the nicest guy I know.
But he’s not the guy I want and long for.
So, before the sun rises, I slip out of bed, get dressed, and abandon him again.
I’m the worst person he knows, and this is the last time I leave him.
Poor, sweet, loving Niall.
My hips hurt, my belly is massive, my back is constantly aching. I’m living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. The bath is next to my bed that’s how small this place is, but it’ll do for now.
I’m working as much as I can but it’s hard with the aches I have and I can see my co-workers tiring of me, wishing I’d take my maternity leave already. I can’t afford to. I need the money.
It has been such a long, tiring, draining day. Work never used to be this hard but I’m finding it so hard to focus on anything these days.
I change the channel on my old, second-hand TV and my heart stops.
My finger taps angrily on the volume up button on the chunky black remote and my lips part. I can’t breathe. There’s a pain in my chest as my heart fights for life.
“What is the plan of action to secure the criminals that are running rampant through the prison?” a presenter asks a reporter who is currently standing outside of Belmore prison where my brother and lover reside.
The handsome reporter holds the mic to his mouth and yells over the sound of the crowds forming along barriers outside of the prison gates, “So far we haven’t received word. What we do know is that it is under control. As I said before a few inmates have been rushed to Queen Mary hospital for stab wounds…” I reach for my phone and curse when I see three missed calls.
I was working so it was on silent. My brother said it wouldn’t be until next week!
I’m not ready. The car’s not ready. The plan isn’t ready.
I breathe softly and reassure myself that it’s okay. That I can do this. We’ve run through it every night over the phone. Why today? Maybe it happened out of his control and he had to take his chance while it presented itself?
I call back the number on my screen, but I already know what they’re going to say.
I have my bag over my shoulder and I’m out of the door before they answer.
My brother has been stabbed and is currently in surgery. They’ll know more soon.
Their confirmation isn’t enough. I want all of the details but they don’t have them. This is frustrating. I can feel my terror clawing through my body.
“Please,” I whisper. “Please.” Let him be okay. I can’t lose him too.
I’m a part of this. I told him where to get stabbed. I made him do it.
What if I was wrong? I didn’t think he’d go through with it. But if he did… did Calder?
My fingers wrap around the steering wheel and squeeze until pained. He asked me to figure out where they could be stabbed and survive. To be stabbed severely would mean a hospital outside of prison, the only place either of them could escape from. They needed a diversion, a massive fallout in the prison would work, or so he told me. Because two stabbed inmates would be too inconspicuous, it would raise too many questions, but two stabbed inmates in a riot is considered just something that happens. Not to mention the local authority will be too busy to spare extra guys to guard both my brother and Calder in hospital full time. The plan is great. It’s perfect. It will work.
Calder needs my brother to help him get to his ship, my brother has that information and the clout to do that. My brother needs Calder to get to freedom and then I’m to join my brother wherever he lands in a few months, when he’s situated.
I must get to that hospital right away. I need to know what’s going on. This panic isn’t doing me or the baby any good at all.
The hospital is all hustle and bustle which makes it easy enough to blend in. I’m constantly paranoid that I’m being followed. Especially now I’m genuinely doing something illegal.
I head to the main desk and ask them for my brother, but they won’t tell me anything. One, he’s a criminal, two, they must think I’m a reporter.
I greet a police officer instead but get nowhere with him either. Growling loudly, which startles a small child in a pram nearby, I stomp through the hall moving out of the way for people on crutches and in wheelchairs. Everybody here has their own issues right now, but they have family and they have each other.
I’m alone. All alone. Without my brother I only have judging family members and friends I can’t guarantee will stick around.
Life was so much easier on the sea. I’ll admit it, it really was. I didn’t worry about any of this. I didn’t have to. I’m not sure if it was the security of knowing I wasn’t there by choice that didn’t have me constantly panicking about my life’s directions and which paths I directed myself down. Not having a choice took away the guilt.
Now… now I can’t fucking focus. My brother could be dying for all I know.
I sit and bury my face in my hands, ready to cry. The person who called me before isn’t answering and when he finally does he won’t let me see my brother. All I know is he’s in surgery. Which means ICU after, right?
Gah.
I ask around until a nice older lady with swollen red eyes points the way and I follow the signs from there.
The sterile halls all look the same. The people all look the same.
But then I find it and I hear his voice. Not my brother’s, but the other man. The man I really need to see. The man who my brother promised me I wouldn’t have to see. He’ll have information. He’ll know where my brother is.
He’s angry. Or it sounds that way until the door shuts leaving me on the wrong side of the noise insulation.
I move to the door and push it open. Doctors bustle around, nurses covered in blood remain calm as they grab equipment and tend to screaming patients.
“Calder?” I shout over the loud volume of everything going on. It’s too much for my senses. It makes me almost long to be in that roaring ocean. When I was under the surface there was no sound, just cold and peace.
“Rain?” he yells back and I sidestep a nurse pushing a trolley towards a gurney where a man has been impaled by some kind of wood. “RAIN?”
“CALDER!” I call again, rushing to the curtained section now.
“Stay down, sir!” a woman shrieks at him as I pull the curtain back with a loud rip.
I don’t think, I don’t breathe, I just move to his side and he sits up to meet me.
My hand tangles in the back of his growing hair and I yank him hard against me as my lips meet his. I taste him for the first time in months, forgetting about the drama around us and the situation that brought us together. I’m just so relieved he’s alive after being so terrified he was dead. He moans into my mouth and I moan into his.
He tastes just like I remember, his lips are softer even, his skin smoother, his hair definitely shorter than the last time we kissed. I grip him fiercely, never wanting to let him go. He’s here, he’s alive.
“We have to get you to surgery,” the nurse barks and I’m yanked away by a police officer as he crashes back onto the mattress. His hands are secured to the bars on the sides but he doesn’t seem bothered.
His hand clings to my wrist and mine grasp his hair. “I didn’t do it, Rain.”
My nerves skyrocket, frantically trying to escape the shell of my body from the worry that my brother is still in that prison and that’s what he’s referring too.
“Where’s my brother?” I ask parting from him just enough to get my mouth to move without his pressed to it. “Where is he?”
“He’s here, we came together.”
Oh thank God.
His hand squeezes my wrist and he tugs on his restraints, desperate to free himself. “The island. I couldn’t tell
you because you wouldn’t believe me.” His eyes close with pain but he clings tighter and so do I. His hair is ready to fall from his scalp but he doesn’t care. Hands grab my arms and try to pull me away, their fingers bite into my muscles and skin but I still cling tight. Right now the rest of the world doesn’t exist. I need to hear him. “You’d think it was a ploy and it wasn’t. It isn’t. I didn’t. Rain. I didn’t. That woman…”
His voice is weak, his words rushed but I know what he means. I want to believe him but he’s right, it probably is just a ploy to keep me. But then… what if it’s not? It doesn’t matter either way. The intent was to hurt me, and it did.
But it’s not what’s important now. It’s not what any of us need to be thinking about. I want to give him the strength he needs to pull through this and get my brother out too. Whether or not he was lying then, whether or not he’s lying now, it’s not important.
“It doesn’t matter,” I reply on a whisper as the nurses try to yank me away. I’m stronger than I look. “We’ll talk. Just get better.”
“You’ll come back?”
I press my lips to his once more, so briefly, but I’m pulled away in a second as they finally pry my hands from him. I feel lost the second we part.
He smiles at me despite the growing blood spot on his stomach and at exactly the same time my eyes travel to his navel to assess his injury, his travel to mine and his smile fades.
“Rain?” he questions, green eyes blazing with surprise and confusion, but he’s taken out of sight before I get the chance to say another word.
His reaction has me holding my breath. I never even thought about any of that. I panicked.
“What happened to him?” I beg the officer who is still holding me, now dragging me to the exit.
“Stabbed, wound reopened.” He glares at me. “Aren’t you the detective’s woman?”
“No…” I’m led back into the hall by him, or more dragged beside him. “I’m…” He’s gone without another word, leaving me to my own mind so I finish my sentence alone, to a gathering of busy strangers in a panicked hall. “Not. Not anymore.” Where the fuck is my brother?
I touch my lips, still warm from Calder’s kiss. My body is a torrent of emotions.