The women were asked how much parental investment they thought each man might give to his offspring. They were close to evenly split, slightly favoring the Reliable Dad as the man who would invest more in his children unless (and here is where a wise man will pay very close attention) when the women were nearing ovulation. That’s right. During the peak of her fertility, in the women’s eyes the Sexy Cad surged from behind and passed the Reliable Dad by nearly ten percentage points as the one more likely to invest in his future children. Let me emphasize, it’s not that they merely found him more attractive, they found him more likely to invest in his children. This is astonishing. What sane person would ever think that the Sexy Cad would invest more in his offspring than the Reliable Dad? The answer: No one, except a woman at the peak of her fertility window. Her hormonal cycles truly do impact her thinking. Of particular note, this surge was muted unless the women were led to believe that they would be the one having his child. They could see through the Sexy Cad (to an extent) when not ovulating or if asked about a child he might have with another woman, but their perceptions were skewed significantly at their fertility peak when considering a man who might father their own child. Durante’s experiments demonstrated “how, when, and why ovulation can lead Mr. Wrong to appear like Mr. Right.” Don’t forget that the “identical twins” looked exactly the same other than their clothing.
Reinforcing Durante’s findings, Martie Haselton has noted similar patterns in her team’s work at UCLA, finding that, “Women with the really good, stable guy felt more distant at high-fertility periods than low-fertility periods. That isn’t the case with women who were mated to particularly sexually attractive men. The closeness of their relationships got a boost just prior to ovulation.”[141] Haselton calls “the urge for a stable long-term partner along with increased desire for a more sexually attractive mate during periods of high fertility the ‘dual mating hypothesis.’” There are significant implications from these findings. If your bride or a woman you’re considering for marriage is less attracted to you during the high-fertility part of her cycle, it’s an indication that she might be settling for you, not genuinely attracted to you. I hope by now you understand that such behavior bodes poorly for your marriage or future marriage prospects. Conversely, if she appears most attracted to you during her peak fertility window, it indicates that she generally does find you attractive, and the odds of a successful marriage improve. The observant man can draw conclusions regarding his particular situation after a few months of careful observation.
So who are these Sexy Cads, these alpha men who women find so attractive? They are often (but not always) handsome men, they are near-universally dominant, and they are successful, often leading men in their professional endeavors. Such men naturally and easily attract pretty women, the most obvious being high-profile athletes, popular musicians, and actors. Know that a man doesn’t have to be in the top 1% of men to attract quality women, but those who are most successful have many of the same traits, and you can intentionally model some or all of these traits until they become your own.
Let me be clear: I am not suggesting that you abandon who you are or compromise your beliefs for the purposes of trying to attract women. As a man looking for a quality woman to marry, any pretense you put forth would need to be maintained for decades; however, there is nothing wrong with examining what makes men successful, learning from them, and then genuinely working to make yourself into a more successful man, a more attractive man. After all, an ambitious man will strive for success in a favored endeavor by reading, practicing, learning, and doing. Why should any aspect of life, particularly one as important as marriage, be off-limits to a man’s best efforts? It shouldn’t. Yet men who’ll spend years refining their professional skills and abilities or their hobbies will walk into the minefield of female relationships with but a few ideas from their mommies, most of which will be the opposite of correct. It’s ludicrously stupid. You’ll have a much better chance to attract and keep a quality woman if you understand what women find attractive and work, to whatever degree you wish, to genuinely make yourself into an attractive man. If you’re capable of reading and understanding this book, you’re capable of improving your lot, of increasing your SMV and maintaining it at that higher level. If you’re currently at an SMV of 5, wouldn’t putting in the effort to raise that to a 7 be a worthwhile investment of time and energy to help secure your future happiness? Hmmm, yes, at least for those men with a pulse.
Not surprisingly in an LSR culture, men have been studying these female attraction patterns to develop and fine-tune strategies for the primary purpose of maximizing their number of short-term sexual partners. One need not endorse their lifestyles to acknowledge that some of them are keen observers of the socio-sexual marketplace. These men purposefully exude confidence beyond reason, actively demonstrate dominance, subtly undermine a woman’s self-worth (thereby raising his relative worth in her eyes), intentionally surround themselves with other desirable women (often role-playing friends), exhibit substantial resources (whether they possess them or not), often work hard to keep themselves in top physical form, and become experts in how to interact with women in ways that create sexual desire. Female attraction has some constants so, even though the cad’s techniques seek immoral ends, many of their observations can be employed by the moral man to attract quality women, but with one major difference: Since the cad seeks only short-term sexual release, he need only maintain these attractants until he beds his next target, while the moral man’s attractiveness must be maintained during a lifetime marriage. In other words, the cad need only pretend, while the moral man must actually become the man to whom women are attracted. Still, the cad’s techniques are studied and effective. Take, for example, their technique of surrounding themselves with other attractive women. This works without doubt, but why?
Rule #3: Women value other women’s opinions to a great degree in general and this includes opinions regarding men. The more attention a man secures from desirable women, the more attractive he becomes to other desirable women. Need evidence? In a study that examined this phenomenon, groups of women were provided a photograph of the same man, half of whom were told he was single and half that he was already involved with another woman. Of the women who believed he was available, 59% were interested in a relationship, but of the women who were told he was taken, 90% were interested.[142] Interestingly, the researchers stated, “As predicted, single women were more interested in poaching an attached man rather than pursuing a single man.”[143] Let us linger here for a moment and understand this phenomenon: Six out of ten women were interested in a particular man when he was supposedly unattached, leaving four who were not interested. This very same man, once he was supposedly in a relationship (in other words, approved by another woman), nine out of ten women were interested in him. Merely by already being in a relationship, therefore marked as approved by another woman, this man increased the percentage of women interested in him by 50%.
Rule #4: Live on a mission; live life to the full. As previously mentioned, given that the moral man is seeking a lifetime marriage, traits that attract women must be genuinely incorporated into his life. Living one’s life on a mission naturally builds genuine confidence as skills are mastered and goals met. Competence builds confidence; confidence attracts.
The men with choices, more attractive choices, are those with confidence and resources, who actively shape their surroundings (acting upon instead of being acted upon) and exude leadership abilities. As Mr. Beaver said of Aslan the great lion, “He’s wild you know. Not like a tame lion.”[144] You shouldn’t be tame either. Rather, be a bit dangerous, as Mr. Beaver also responded: “Safe? Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he is good.”[145] Be like Aslan.
Risk-taking leaders of other men are pure catnip to women and, as demonstrated above, men accompanied by attractive women find it much easier to attract others. Let me stress: it�
��s quite possible for the Christian man to morally employ these astute observations to his and his future progeny’s betterment. The corollary lesson is that apathy, listlessness, and laziness don’t build competence and are extremely unattractive to worthy women of any stripe. The lazy man is often a lonely man. Be a good man, a bold man, an energetic man, but never a safe and predictable man. “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”[146]
A man’s sexual market value changes over time. I hope it’s clear by now that you can impact your SMV, no matter your age, no matter your station. You can lower your SMV by adding twenty pounds or by coming home every night and telling your wife how scary and unfair you find the world, or you can increase it through all manner of attraction-driving, confidence-inspiring acts. Though a high SMV has obvious utility for the single man, the married man who invests in increasing his SMV will be rewarded as well: with a better marriage, a higher probability of a lifetime marriage, and more regular sex. This, dear reader, is not a bad list.
Her Actions Speak Louder Than Her Words
There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” All that are in Hell, choose it.[147] — C.S. Lewis
There was once a man named Jack who loved his high school sweetheart, Jill. He was a handsome man, a good man, an extremely intelligent man, and they seemed destined to live happily ever after. They married right after college. He went on to earn his master’s degree in a rigorous STEM field, landed a great job with one of the world’s largest corporations, his intelligence and hard work quickly rewarded with increased pay and responsibilities. They had the requisite two kids, built a new home in the suburbs, ate steak and drank good wine, and were living the American dream. Several years into their marriage Jill desired to return to work and began working at the local bank. Unbeknownst to Jack, shortly thereafter Jill began an affair with her boss, a man not even in the same quality stratosphere as her husband, but obviously one to whom she was attracted, likely by way of his authority over her.
Jack was eventually promoted to an out-of-state position, moving his family and building an even nicer and much larger home. Thanksgiving Day came to their new home, and Jill’s parents drove the ten hours to celebrate with their family. By all accounts it was a fine holiday, food galore, well-prepared, a good day of celebration. While many make Thanksgiving into a four day weekend, not Jack. Work beckoned on Friday morning, and he dutifully headed into the office.
My phone rang at 6 o’clock on that very Friday evening, the day after Thanksgiving. I shall never forget it. Jack had arrived home after work to find his house bare and empty but for his clothes and a cryptic note from his wife explaining that she needed “some space” and had moved back home with her parents, taking his children and most all of their belongings. This was a move that had been planned with aforethought and malice, movers at the ready, starting as soon as Jack left his home. Not surprisingly, Jack found out the next morning that Jill had cleaned out the bank account as well.
Jack was absolutely dumbstruck. He didn’t know anything was even wrong beyond day-to-day issues and couldn’t fathom that his marriage was so troubled it warranted her leaving. He drove the ten hours to see her, to try to understand what had gone wrong, literally begging her to return home and work on identifying and solving their marital problems. In response, she reiterated that she just needed some time and space. He also sought professional counseling, trying to understand what he could do to repair the relationship from afar.
It was all for naught because, as it turns out, it really was about time and space, not the time to reflect and look for healing but, rather, the time to establish residency in her parent’s state. On that fateful day, Jack received an invitation from the out-of-state court regarding the dissolution of his marriage. Her pretenses shown to be lies, Jill’s actions came into full focus: This entire charade was just about money and control, and her parents’ state had better divorce laws to secure cash and prizes than did her marital home. The “time and space” was all Kabuki theatre: Jack was played to the end as only a good man can be, destined to become a divorce slave, while Jill’s parents were complicit in the entire sordid scene, shocking and destroying a good man, the father of their grandchildren, and removing his children forever from his daily guidance. I cannot fathom how it is possible to share a Thanksgiving Day meal with a man you know you’re about to gut. When Jill later married her illicit lover, all the pieces fell into place, but too late for Jack and too late for his children, forcibly removed from their father whom they loved.
Jack is a real man and, though sufficiently vague to mask his true identity, this is a true story right down to the smallest detail. I could just as easily used other examples since, sadly, many of these details are all but the norm for a deserting wife. When it comes to relationships, women can be as calculatingly cruel as any man has ever been thought to be.
As I hope you’ve gathered by now, I am asserting and have provided significant evidence that most everything you’ve been taught about women since your childhood is wrong. Despite their pretty faces, shiny hair, and fancy curves, they are no less capable of sin than any man, yet society in general – and Nice Guys in particular – tend to put women on pedestals by default. Men do themselves (and their wives) a great disservice when they place their wives upon a pedestal. When you hear the words “my better half” emanate from a man’s mouth, he has very likely placed his wife on just such a pedestal, to both his and her detriment. People tend to believe the propaganda over time but we must not forget: “And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.”[148] Not that Adam wasn’t culpable: “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”[149] Adam was there! Rather than protecting Eve from the Evil One’s influence, Adam let her listen to the tempter’s lies and half-truths, then followed her into sin. His was a failure of leadership, for one cannot lead while following. Most men follow in Adam’s footsteps.
When it comes down to interacting with women, attracting quality women, and creating a strong marriage, detached observation is among the most important tools in your toolbox. When a woman complains that she just can’t find a man who cares for her while she’s having wild sex with a tatted-up biker or her married boss (or both), one should be inclined to apply a higher weight to her actions than her words. When women willingly and en masse throw perfectly good and loyal husbands into the divorce court’s maw, one must weigh their collective actions and let it inform one’s individual choices.
Let us examine but one example of the dichotomy between what men are taught about women and their observable actions. Women often complain that men just do not hold up their end of the bargain when it comes to household duties. When a Nice Guy is confronted with such an accusation he is likely to weigh it and find it true. And it generally is true, but what would the average Nice Guy do about it, and how would he be rewarded or penalized for his actions?
Since the Nice Guy wants a happy wife and a good marriage, he’ll often oblige her requests: washing dishes, cooking meals, changing diapers, and whatever else needs done. These changes are often genuinely appreciated by his wife but unconsciously she realizes and notes that his changes came from her direction, implying control and subtly diminishing her respect for him. As we’ve already covered, a woman’s respect for her husband is inversely correlated to her ability to control him.
This doesn’t mean that you can never lift a finger to help your loving bride (not at all!), but the wise husband will be a keen observer of his wife’s circumstances on a regular and routine basis. He must lead! If he finds her genuinely in need of assistance, as many young mothers truly are, then he should help her (or secure help for her) in
whatever ways that are within his means but, BUT, the good and godly husband will take care to meet her needs while not diminishing her respect for him, since maintaining this respect is vitally important to maintaining a healthy, lifetime marriage, to everyone’s benefit. Think long term. Have long-term time preferences. Love her well, but wisely. Be proactive, not reactive. Lead.
A recent study published by Sabino Kornrich found that there is an inverse correlation between the amount of “core” housework (meaning housework traditionally performed by women) performed by the husband and the observed frequency of sexual activity in that marriage.[150] Translation: The more domesticated you become, the less respect you’ll garner and the less sex you will enjoy. Without scientific corroboration of any sort whatever, I make the naked assertion that having regular and frequent sexual relations with his wife is vitally important to any man who’s not dead. Do I hear an amen? Actually, this assertion does have biblical support as Paul exhorts those with less self-control than he (this includes you and me): “Do not deprive each other [of sexual relations] except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.”[151] Translation: Enjoy sexual relations frequently with your wife except for specific, understood, and agreed to circumstances: namely, prayer.
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