As your daughter approaches marriage you will do her and her future husband a great favor by continuing to invest in both of them, reminding them of their biblical roles and responsibilities in their future union. However, once she’s married, you must purposefully restrict yourself from active intervention. Do nothing to undermine the respect your daughter has for her husband. If she has questions or concerns, answer them and encourage her without demeaning her husband. If her husband asks for advice, by all means, dispense it gracefully and with all tact. Otherwise, just bite your tongue until it bleeds. Seriously. All marriages have issues to work through. If she chose well, they’ll work through them just fine. Though she’ll always be your daughter, in marriage you have given her to another man. He must increase and you must decrease.[164]
I wrote the following letter to encourage Jacy as a young mother because being a young wife and mother is one of the hardest roles to fulfill well on the face of this earth. The grind of caring for a helpless baby builds character possessed in no other way. In mothering well, she must literally surrender herself daily to God. Paul states it well, “But women will be saved through childbearing – if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.”[165] When the rest of the culture undermines motherhood, find ways to remind her of its eternal importance. Remind her of God’s command to Noah and his sons, freshly off the ark: “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.”[166] Mothering well is worth doing and will earn many heavenly crowns. In fact, I believe it possible that good and godly mothers will merit among the greatest heavenly rewards.
Dearest Jacy,
In the post-modern world that we live in people are looking for their validation in all the wrong places. As Christians we should look for our value and validation in His Word. The Word is the Truth.
Here are some points for you to consider. First, both men and women have been assigned responsibilities in this life and the wife is to submit to her husband. Looking at more of the relevant Scripture gives us a fuller picture.
The husband is called to the following:
1) Love his wife: Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:18
2) Be not harsh: Colossians 3:18
3) Be considerate to his wife: 1 Peter 3:7
4) Respect his wife as the weaker partner: 1 Peter 3:7
Conversely, the wife is called to respect and submit to her husband. This does not make the wife into a slave, certainly not for any woman who marries well. I believe we’ve discussed this before, but it can perhaps be best understood with an illustration from Star Trek. Captain Kirk is the captain and Spock is the First Officer. The FO has the right (nay, the duty) to weigh in if he believes the captain to be incorrect or ill-informed. A good captain will seek out the advice of his trusted FO. The FO has full authority to direct anyone on the ship but the captain unless it violates a direct order from the captain. If there is a decision to be made upon which the captain and the FO cannot agree, then it’s the duty of the captain to make the decision and the duty of the FO to follow the captain. This arrangement preserves order and fosters agreement. Two captains under the same circumstance would eventually destroy the ship, fighting each other and not the Enemy! Additionally (and importantly) under those hopefully rare circumstances of disagreement, it’s the captain that holds the full responsibility for his decision, good or bad. Spock is valued; his contributions are significant; the ship needs him; the captain needs him; the crew depends on him; he is important![167]
Do not forget that these roles are purposeful earthly roles Jacy, not eternal. No one is married in heaven. In fact, the Apostle Paul wrote, “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”[168]
Understand this well: You are directly a daughter of the Father through Christ. This position does not depend upon your husband but, rather, upon Jesus drawing you to him and you accepting his offer of eternal life with him. That relationship was in place before you were married!
Still, God is a God of order, not disorder.[169] To minimize discord and promote unity, God has given us these rules while here on earth, along with numerous other guidelines. This is not the order in heaven for there is not marriage in heaven[170] and no slavery, certainly not to a human master. We all have rewards and important roles to play both here and in heaven; Scripture tells us we will judge the angels.[171] Jesus told us that the “last will be first.”[172] I don’t know precisely what that looks like, but I know it’ll be glorious and joyful since “God will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes.”[173] In the meantime, we’re called to hold and strengthen the fort (the Church) and our families. God has made you perfectly for your role in His Kingdom, both now and on the other side.
Remember that God’s rules aren’t to tear you down but are for the well-being of his people. Without good families and mothers, civilization dies a horrible death. God wants us to multiply!
The lies of the “isms” are from the Enemy. We must seek the Truth. And from your comments, I know that you are. And yes, you are quite smart and funny and fun to be around and loving and wise and lovely and sweet and considerate and a whole bunch of other good and delightful things. I am blessed to have such a daughter; your husband is blessed to have such a wife; and your children are blessed to have such a mother.
Love,
Your Proud Daddy
Raise her well, dad! Eternity depends upon it.
Triage
1730: A vision without a task is but a dream. A task without a vision is but a drudgery. A vision and a task are the hope of the world.
— Inscribed upon the wall of a church in Sussex, England
Don’t be discouraged. We’re in the people business and the people business is a messy business.
— Pastor Joel Atwell, as spoken to the author
Over the past twenty years I’ve had the opportunity to teach and counsel with a significant number of men in various states of marriage or career difficulty, or those just wanting to mature in their faith. It’s been one of the blessings of my life to witness prayerful and careful counsel improving lives and marriages. There is a deep satisfaction in witnessing a man breaking free from his chains, stepping up to life’s plate with grit, determination, and resolve, and his wife happily responding to his leadership. An oversexed man is a happy man.
Conversely, it’s utterly heart-wrenching to witness the pain inflicted by divorce. Divorce goes against God’s creation, being an inherently brutal and destructive act. It’s not surprising that God hates it. The open and public and complete rejection by your spouse inflicts grievous wounds, often throwing both sides of the former whole into poverty, while simultaneously requiring emotional support to children and others who are impacted, drawing on non-existent reserves. It is extremely trying, even for the initiator. Yet even in such dire circumstances, God will minister: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”[174]
With but a few exceptions, the men with whom I’ve counseled married women with known risk factors that, taken collectively, should have dissuaded the informed man from making the marriage commitment in the first place. Very few men have been taught those risk factors, maleducation and misinformation being the norm. With the combination of ignorance and the pursuit of sexual gratification driving them, men often make poor marital decisions. This book seeks to banish such ignorance and shine the light of truth on the matter, for an informed man makes better decisions, at least has the ability to make better decisions.
There are always signs and cues that a woman is considering divorce, some subtle and some shouting from the mountain tops: open and constant discord, increased attention to appearance, expressed approval of friends divorcing, decreased sexual response, open disrespect towards her husband, a surprise decision to retu
rn to school to fulfill goals never before expressed, and so forth. A sign of particular note is if she becomes suspicious or, particularly, if she openly accuses you of misdeeds of which you’re completely innocent. It’s not unusual for a woman illicitly involved to become suspicious of her husband: After all, if she’s not trustworthy, how could her husband be trustworthy? Sin clouds one’s judgment. The psychologists call this projection.
If you sense your marriage is troubled, by all means seek to save and improve it. Even if you chose poorly in marriage, you made a lifetime vow before God. Oftentimes the best means to foster improvement in your marriage is to improve yourself, concentrating on what’s fully within your control, the “plank in your own eye,”[175] and striving to become a godly man, a strong man, a man’s man, the best man you’re capable of becoming:
Follow and obey your God. Know His Word. Seriously men, how Christian men so routinely ignore their God and His Word boggles my mind. We’re not 15th century peasants purposefully kept ignorant by the church priests and with no recourse. Today, we have resources available at our fingertips of which our forebears could only dream, making biblical ignorance completely voluntary. Knowing His Word is important because a man genuinely walking with his God will become more like Him over time: strong when necessary, gentle when possible, wise and discerning always. Follow Him; seek His will: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.”[176] I understand that some men find it all but impossible to wade through Scripture and, indeed, the Bible can be confusing, especially until you become familiar with biblical history; however, any man can get direction from God by reading and studying the wisdom literature: Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes; and every man will benefit from studying Jesus’ own words in the four gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
Spend time thinking about what you must accomplish in this life. Prayerfully construct a mission plan to meet those objectives and then doggedly pursue it with all meekness, meaning strength under control.
Spend time with other authentically Christian men. This can be a Bible study, pickup basketball, shooting sports, rehabbing a needy family’s home, camping in the mountains, riding a mountain river, golfing, anything that puts you shoulder-to-shoulder with other Christian men. Spending time with good men will sharpen you, refresh you, encourage you, and improve your marriage.
When facing challenge of any sort, endeavor to step into the challenge, meeting it head-on. Do not be too proud to seek godly counsel when you need it.
Become a student of the godly, successful leaders in your midst. Study them and learn, even to how such a man stands, his bearing, how he carries his hands, how he interacts with others, how he acknowledges another in passing, how he interacts with women. For example, a leader’s hands seem perfectly content to dangle on the ends of his arms without need to find a home until they’re needed. Examine, adopt what you can, and make it your own. Over time you can become comfortable with such changes. Another example of some interest: When two men are passing, they often nod at one another in acknowledgment, just a friendly gesture. A follower tends to nod his head down while a leader tips his head back. Which do you do? Practice the latter. But don’t let your analysis stop at the mere physical markers; seek to understand the substance of the man. If there is a man whom you particularly respect, ask for his counsel. By limiting your request to a defined period you will significantly increase the chance of his accepting. Buy his morning coffee twice a month for six months and learn. He may decline; if he does, ask another. But you may find yourself pleasantly surprised. I currently lead a mixed Bible study on Monday evenings, read the Bible with another man on Tuesday evenings, participate in a men’s Bible study on Wednesday mornings, and meet individually with a younger man very early on Thursday mornings. Oftentimes the most effective ministry happens one-on-one or in small groups. His investment in you will bring him eternal rewards. Be courageous. Ask.
You’ll need time to make these changes and you likely have it available. According to Nielson, the average American watches over thirty-four hours of television per week.[177] If you’re the average man, turning off the television in your home will free up enough time to make major changes in your life and in your family. I possess almost no knowledge of any television series produced in the last twenty years, actively choosing ignorance in television entertainment, as I put those hours towards other purposes, trying to spend sufficient time performing what Stephen Covey characterized as Quadrant II activities, important but not urgent.[178] I used to greatly enjoy playing and watching God’s own game of football and still watch an occasional game, but now that it’s a penalty merely to make a good hit - even when wearing the obligatory pink shoes - I’m losing interest there too and gave up my season tickets for the local team several years ago. Time is very limited and the wise man will carefully prioritize his time in accordance with his mission and his responsibilities.
Most troubled marriages are sexless, sometimes for years on end. If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, you are far from alone. Life happens, but such situations don’t often manifest themselves overnight, instead developing one step, one decision at a time. Do not let this pattern develop in your marriage as it’s the beginning of the end. As you’ve read earlier in this work, the sex act is one of the most submissive acts a woman performs, allowing a man access to her inmost parts. If your wife doesn’t respect you, a regular sex life is but a dream. As this chapter’s opening quote suggests, let’s assign some tasks to help the sexless man transform his dream into hope. First, recall once again that Christian marriage is a lifetime commitment. Do not follow the world’s way and throw your marriage away when things get tough. The couple who sticks together through tough times tends to become happier over time. In fact, one study found that, “Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period.”[179] Stick with it; analyze what’s transpired. She responded to you at one time so, unless it was a sham marriage, she found you attractive in the past. What happened? While thinking this through, remember what women find attractive in men. Have you let your SMV slide beyond the natural aging process? If so, that’s the first place to start.[180] This will take time, energy, and money. Do it. And I must hasten to add, though it’s not any big secret, there is absolutely no need to inform your wife what changes you’re going to make. Changes are much more effective if she notices the results of her own accord. Actions do indeed speak louder than mere words. As you increase your SMV your marriage will likely improve.
If you’re in a sexual drought, here are a couple of ideas that you might find helpful to reestablish the sexual relationship: Strength is attractive, and you are both stronger and faster than your wife, likely well beyond her belief. Being physically weak, she simply has no idea the strength you possess, and it’s hard to demonstrate this differential from the recliner. I remember Jacy asking to arm-wrestle me one day. She tried one arm: fail. Her two arms against my one: fail. She finally wrestled my arm with her leg and, if I recall correctly, both legs: fail. Your wife has no idea of your relative strength, and this is knowledge you wish her to possess, so look for a natural way to demonstrate. Look for an appropriate moment, simply lift her off the ground and kiss her. Hold her there and look into her eyes. Make it look effortless. If you are incapable of doing this, start working out, or get her on a diet, or both.
Strength commands respect; respect encourages submission; sex is submissive for her. Let’s connect the dots, men. Along the same vein, if you are a competent shooter, teaching your wife how to properly handle a firearm will both increase her ability to protect herself and will establish a teacher-student relationship, naturally increasing her respect for you. Guns being dangerous, a man handling them well must be a little dangerous too. See how this works? What woman can resist a man
throwing lead, smelling of gunpowder, fully capable of protecting her in a dangerous world? The more dangerous her present circumstances, the more attractive such a man becomes. Creating a written self-defense plan (or a storm plan or fire plan) for your household and practicing it will also reinforce your leadership and build respect. It’s also a smart thing to do for your family. This same advice works well for the single man: A shooting instructor (or dance instructor, exercise coach, and so forth) meets some pretty ladies. I’m just saying.
Marriage counseling is a good idea for the troubled marriage, so long as you’re seeing a biblically-based counselor. If you’re a Christian, there is absolutely no reason to seek counsel from an equalitarian feminist of either gender. A churchian equalitarian feminist might even be worse since you’ll get the same bad counsel but with an air of biblical authority. There are many churchian counselors who counsel based upon their university indoctrination while their Bible gathers dust on their desk. No counsel is preferable to bad counsel.
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