by Julia Goda
His eyes were still boring into mine as I pulled the guitar strap back around my shoulder and settled in.
“Sorry, guys. I know I promised you I wouldn’t play another sad song tonight, but since it’s someone else’s request you can’t blame me. So here it goes.”
I kept my eyes on him, making sure to have a look of indifference on my face that told him his presence didn’t touch me, that he didn’t affect me. I could see his eyes flare and his jaw clench and I smiled a cold smile I didn’t know I had in me. Then I started playing the song, my eyes fixed on his the whole time, never wavering. It almost felt like we were locked together, fighting a silent battle. A battle in which we could read each other’s thoughts and emotions: I was telling him that he wasn’t welcome here, that I had no idea why he would come back after all this time, not caring that he did, not wanting him back in my life, while he was telling me that he was determined and that nothing would make him change his mind, that he would do what he came here to do. What that was exactly, I had no clue, but I could tell that his resolve was solid.
That he wouldn’t waver.
That he would fight.
I narrowed my eyes at him as the song ended and people all around us were breaking out into loud applause and cheers. I didn’t hear any of it as I broke our eye contact, got up, and hopped off the stage, the guitar still hanging on my shoulder as I headed for the back hall and my office.
I needed a minute.
But I didn’t make it that far.
I was halfway into the hall when a strong hand on my arm made me stop and turned me around.
And then I was standing not two feet away from the man who had ripped me to shreds twice.
And he looked good enough to eat.
I had to clench my teeth so as not to remember the things I would feel when he touched me, when he explored my body, when he whispered sweet nothings into my ear, when he kissed me. My body instantly reacted to him as if it was conditioned to his closeness, his smell, his aura. My heart rate picked up, my breaths came in shallow pants, my belly dropped, and my whole body was about to shiver.
But I’d rather die than let him see any of that. So I locked it down, clenched my teeth harder to the point it hurt, and glared at him.
Jason was watching me, trying to read my reaction while at the same time I could see his body reacting to mine the same way mine had reacted to his. I could see the signs: his eyes had melted, his face was soft, his body was leaning into mine as his hand on my arm tensed in preparation to pull me towards him.
Oh no. That was not going to happen.
With a vicious twist I tore my arm free from his grasp and took two steps back.
“Loreley—” he started to say in his soft voice, but I interrupted him.
“What do you want, Jason? What could you possibly want from me?” I asked, my voice harsh and cold.
He flinched, then straightened and narrowed his eyes on me.
“I came here to talk to you.”
“You and I have not one thing to talk about,” I hissed.
He crossed his arms on his chest.
“Oh yes, we do. More than one thing actually, but we’ll start with this: I came here to apologize. I know it’s about six years too late, but here I am. I was a dick, a dick and an idiot for letting you walk away from me over some stupid fight, for not fighting harder for you, for not fighting for us. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I didn’t mean them and I have regretted every word every day for the past six years.”
My body locked.
Oh. My. God.
He had to be shitting me.
He came to my town, to my bar, after he threw me away like we meant nothing, and thought he could make it all better with a lame ass confession and half-assed apology?
What an asshole.
I mimicked his stance and crossed my arms on my chest.
“You can’t be serious!” My voice was still a hiss.
His eyes narrowed on me. “Yeah, Loreley, I’m serious. I miss you.”
At that I burst out laughing, head thrown back, full on belly-shaking laughing. He had missed me.
Fucking hilarious.
My laughter turned to chuckles as I looked back at him. His face was set in hard lines and his eyes had turned angry.
“You think that’s funny?” He asked through clenched teeth.
“Oh yeah, I think that’s hilarious. Let me refresh your memory: you threw me away. You threw away what we had by being an asshole.”
“Like I said, I know I behaved like a dick, but you didn’t fight for us either, Loreley. You just walked away without looking back. I called. I left messages. You wouldn’t talk to me.”
Wow. If I hadn’t already known he was an asshole of the highest order, that comment would have told me.
“Oh, forgive me for not wanting to talk to the cheating asshole that fucked the first whore that came along,” I hissed sarcastically.
Jason’s head jerked back as if I had slapped him. “Cheating… What the fuck are you talking about?”
He could not be believed. Did he really think I didn’t know?
“I’m talking about you sticking your dick into the first pussy that came along only hours after we had a fight!”
“You think I cheated on you?” He asked incredulously.
“I don’t think. I know.”
“Loreley—” Jason said as he took a step towards me, but I put my hand up, making him stop.
“Don’t, Jason. You said what you had to say, now go. And don’t come back.” I lifted my chin, indicating the back exit door.
He ignored me.
“I never fucking cheated on you, Loreley.” His voice was low and very, very angry.
I shook my head at his audacity. That lying cheating asshole.
“Leave!” I leaned in and yelled in his face.
He advanced on me, his hands going up in preparation to hold on to me, to get close. I backed up until my back hit the office door, giving him the opening he needed to move into me. His hands cupped my face and lifted it to his, his nose almost touching mine.
“Listen to me,” he said on a soft but serious shake of my head, his voice low and growly.
“Let her go, Sanders,” I heard a different voice growled from behind Jason. I looked over his shoulder at Chris, whose face was set in an angry scowl.
“I’m talking to Loreley. This is none of your business,” Jason replied, not letting me go, not even taking his eyes from me.
“Loreley is my business. She asked you to go, you need to go. Now.”
Jason studied my face, his eyes serious and searching. I didn’t waver and glared back at him. Then he whispered, “I swear to God, Loreley, I never cheated on you. I’m gonna go, but I’m not leaving. We need to talk.” Then he let me go, turned and walked out the back door, slamming it.
I looked at the door for several moments, trying to come to terms with what had just happened.
“What the fuck was that?” Chris asked. I looked at him to see his eyes still on the door as well. His body was rigid and his voice was strained.
I shook my head at him. “I have no clue.”
He kept looking at the door.
His eyes came to me, assessing. “You okay?”
I nodded. “I’m okay.”
“Good. Go cover for me. I’m gonna make sure he’s gone.” He said as he walked to and out the door, his movements pissed but controlled.
I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Then I left my guitar in the office and went to pour drinks, determined to forget the last fifteen minutes ever happened.
Chris came back inside only a few minutes later. I didn’t ask but assumed that meant Jason had left. Chris didn’t say anything, but he still looked livid as he came marching back around the corner and started taking orders. Throughout the rest of the night I caught him looking at me several times. The first time I assured him I was okay; the second time I glared at him, telling him to stop. When he stil
l didn’t stop, I ignored him all together. I just kept on serving drinks, trying not to let my mind wander as to why Jason was here in my town and what his unwanted reappearance in my life meant.
Of course, I failed at this.
I was livid.
How dare that asshole come into my bar, hide in the shadows while I play, make me sing that song, and then lie to my face about never having cheated on me.
What a total bastard.
If that was why he was here, to lie to me, to pretend I got it all wrong, then he better slink back under the rock he crawled out from.
No. Scratch that.
No matter why he was here, he better slink back under the rock he crawled out from.
He shouldn’t be here, had no business showing his face, had no right to talk to me, to get close, to touch me.
Seeing him again, being close to him, feeling his eyes on me, feeling his touch, it all brought back what I had worked so hard to forget. I despised my body for its traitorous reaction to being within touching distance of him. You’d think that after the pain and disappointment and heartbreak that man caused me, my body would see through the attraction and instantly repulse him.
But no such luck.
Seemed like when it came to Jason Sanders, my body was a slut.
I had no respect for sluts.
In fact, I hated them.
Just like I hated Jason fucking Sanders.
I almost broke the glass as I slammed Rick’s beer down on the bar in front of him, making it slosh over the sides and onto my hands.
“Goddamnit!” I hissed. I shook the excess beer off, grabbed a cloth, dried my hand, and then threw the cloth back behind the bar, all this time mumbling and grumbling profanities under my breath.
My head shot up when I heard Rick chuckle.
“You’re hotter than usual when you’re pissed off and I enjoy the view, but what’s crawled up your ass? Not twenty minutes ago you had a blast on that stage. What happened?”
I narrowed my eyes on him and did what every woman did when she was mad but didn’t want to talk about it. I said, “Nothing. I’m fine,” in the way that every man knew there was not one thing that was fine and he better back off and take cover if he didn’t want to get injured in the crossfire.
But Rick didn’t back off. Instead, he chuckled again, longer this time. Then, “Right. We both know that’s bullshit, but I can see you don’t want to share, so I’ll leave it alone for now.” Then he leaned in and his voice dropped, so that only I could hear him. “But Loreley, you know you can talk to me. I get why you don’t want to go out with me. I don’t agree with it and I can’t promise you I won’t keep trying, but I get it. Doesn’t mean I won’t still be your friend. I’ll leave you be for now, but I want you to know that if you want to talk, I’m here.”
I was still glaring at Rick, but we both knew I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t mad at him.
I was mad at Jason Jackass Sanders.
And I was mad at myself for letting him get to me like that.
Rick was a good man, probably one of the best men out there, and I wished I could feel more for him than friendship. He would make some lucky woman real happy someday. He would not be the kind of man who declared his love to a woman and then cheat on her, ripping her heart out, destroying her; nor would he leave that woman in the dust when she needed him. No, Rick wouldn’t do any of that. He didn’t have a bastardly bone in his body.
I hung my head for a second and breathed in a calming breath, then looked back up at Rick and told him what was wrong with me. “You’re right. I’m pissed. I’m pissed, because someone who screwed me over years ago just showed up out of the blue and got in my face. And I’m pissed at myself for letting someone who means nothing get to me like that.”
Rick studied me. “Can I ask who that someone is?”
I shook my head and clenched my teeth as I crossed my arms in an effort to ease the pain in my chest. The pain I had tried to let go of for the past six years. But since Rick was a detective, he didn’t miss much, meaning he didn’t miss this either.
“Who, Lore?”
I kept shaking my head at him as I answered, “It doesn’t matter.”
Rick’s eyes narrowed into slits, then he said in a tight voice, “Lore, I’ve known you for over twenty years, have been your friend for over twenty years, and have liked you more than a friend for a good chunk of that time. That look on your face and that pain in your eyes you are trying so hard to hide tell me that whoever that guy is, he means something to you. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t affect you like this. Tell me now, Lore, whose ass do I need to go and kick.”
I smiled at him. “You’re a cop, Rick. You can’t just go and kick someone’s ass.”
“Watch me.”
I studied him for a few seconds before I looked away from his knowing eyes over his shoulder towards the crowd behind him, which I realized gratefully, was not really a crowd anymore. I kept looking at the people who were mostly strangers to me, watching them, but not really seeing them, while I tried to decide if and what I should tell Rick.
I looked back at him and could see that his eyes hadn’t moved from me and that his patience with me was running out. Before he could jump over the bar and shake the truth out of me—which I didn’t doubt he would do—I blurted it out before I could change my mind.
“Jason, my college boyfriend. We dated for almost two years. We were serious, planned to move in together, talked about our future together. We had a fight right after graduation and I caught him cheating on me. I left him. Now he’s back and I have no idea why.”
Rick’s jaw was clenched now as were his fists and his eyes were ablaze with anger.
“Your college boyfriend?”
I nodded. Rick knew what that meant. He understood.
“Fucking hell,” he muttered under his breath as he shook his head. “What are you gonna do?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I hadn’t gotten that far yet. “I don’t know. Try to ignore him.”
Rick’s eyes were boring into mine. “You ever need me, I’m here, Lore. I hope you know that.”
I did. “I know, Rick. Thank you.”
“What are you gonna do?” Chris asked me the exact same question Rick had asked me when he was driving us home.
I shrugged my shoulders and gave him the same answer I had given Rick. “Ignore him.”
“He seemed pretty determined, Lore. I’m not sure ignoring him is gonna work.”
“You have a better idea?” I asked.
Silence, meaning he didn’t.
“Maybe you should tell Cal. Between him and me, we can make sure Jason stays away from you.” Yes, Cal would make sure Jason stayed away from me. He would also probably end up getting arrested in the process. And I wouldn’t let that happen. He had a family to take care of, a new baby on the way. He didn’t need this shit.
“Let’s hope Jason leaves town before Cal gets wind of him being here, or I don’t know what he’ll do. It wouldn’t be pretty if Rick had to arrest him.”
Silence again. I could practically hear the wheels in his head turning.
“And the same goes for you, Chris. I don’t want to visit either of you in prison.”
Chris chuckled. “Don’t be dramatic, Lore.”
“I’m not. Jason is a famous rock star now. He’s the frontman of one of the most popular rock bands out there. You don’t think he would press charges if you beat the shit out of him?”
“I honestly don’t care. But if he did, it would make him an even lesser man than he already is.”
“Promise me, Chris. Promise me you won’t seek him out and get yourself in trouble.” Chris sighed, but said nothing.
“Chris,” I prompted, my voice angry now.
Another sigh. Then, “Fine. I promise I won’t start a fight. But if he gets in your face again like he did tonight or gets in my face, I can’t promise I won’t punch that pretty face of his.”
“And promise me you won’t tell Ca
l.”
“He’s not gonna be happy you kept it from him, Lore. He’s protective of you. And he’ll find out eventually. This is a small town and people talk.”
He was right. Cal would be mad when he found out. We had practically grown up together. Our dads had been co-workers and best buds and his mom had taken me under her wing when my mom had died when I was six. He was eight years older than me and mostly treated me like his annoying little sister. But no matter how annoying he thought I was still to this day, I had his love and protection in the brotherly way that was seriously awesome.
“Yes, he probably will. But hopefully, Jason will be gone by then.”
“All right. But don’t tell me I didn’t warn you when his head explodes and he reams you out.”
“Noted.”
Neither of us talked as he drove us home the rest of the way.
Chapter 3
LORELEY
My classic rock mix sounded in my ears while I was running through the woods that started behind my house and skirted around town, leading me around in a big four-mile loop until I would come out down the hill at the other side of town. I had decided to run the big loop today. Running always made me feel better, always cleared my head. Since there was a lot going on up there today, I figured I needed a long and exhausting run to sort it.
Not only had I tossed and turned last night, trying to figure out against my better judgement how I was going to handle Jason being in town, but I had been worried of what today might bring.
This day last year had been a dark day to say the least.
It had been the day I lost Jesse.
For months, I had been in deep mourning. Holed up in my house after I came home one night, closed all the blinds, locked both doors, and gave myself over to a bottle of Tequila. I had wanted to be alone, not see anyone, not talk to anyone, not think about anyone, not feel anything. The bottle of Tequila had been empty before dawn, and I had passed out not long after that. I had woken up in the hospital, with my dad and Chris sitting beside my bed.
My dad had tears in his eyes that started to roll down his cheeks when he saw me open my eyes.
“Honey,” he whispered brokenly before he closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the hand that was holding mine in a tight grip. His shoulders were shaking with silent sobs.