by Julia Goda
The hate in her eyes intensified as they stared at each other silently.
“Lore, I think—”
“No, Chris. He wants to do this? We’ll do it. He wants me to say it? I’ll say it. Maybe then he’ll leave.” She didn’t take his eyes from his. “You abandoned me. You turned your back on me when I needed you and abandoned us.”
“I didn’t. Those messages—”
“So you do remember the messages.”
I shook my head. “I don’t. Chris told me about them last night—”
“Lore!” They both heard shouted from across the street in a familiar boom. It was Cal.
Fucking finally.
He jogged towards them and stopped close, his eyes on his sister.
“You both need to calm down and take this inside.”
“What?” Loreley snapped as her eyebrows shot up in disbelief.
“We need to go inside and talk,” Cal repeated. His gaze swung to Jason and he studied him for a second before he turned it back on Loreley.
“Cal is right, Lore, let’s go inside and talk about this calmly,” Chris said soothingly and beseechingly.
“No way. He—”
“He doesn’t know, Lore. You can’t just throw it in his face like that.” Cal again.
“Watch me.”
Cal leaned in closer to his sister. “You’re not hearing what I’m saying to you, Loreley. Jason doesn’t know anything about Jesse.”
Jesse? Who was Jesse?
Before he could ask, Loreley spoke again. “I’m aware of that, Cal, since I never talked to him again after I saw him screwing around and realized he really didn’t give a shit about his child.”
Wait. What?
“What are you talking about? Who is Jesse?” But Jason didn’t need anyone to answer his question. Before he was even done asking, all the pieces fell into place. Everything made sense now. Why Loreley had tried to get in touch with him a few months after she had left; why she had come to one of his gigs to talk to him even though she still thought he had cheated on her. It was obvious now, and Jason wanted to kick his own ass for not having figured it out sooner.
Loreley had been pregnant.
She glared at him.
“Lore—” Cal tried again, but she ignored him, and with what she said next, pulled the ground from under Jason’s feet.
“Jesse was your son you didn’t give one shit about. But don’t worry. He’s dead now.”
Jason heard Cal swear under his breath beside him and Chris pull in a shocked breath. He heard them both talk, to him or Loreley, he didn’t know. He couldn’t comprehend anything while his mind was trying to make sense of what Loreley had just said.
He had a son.
A son who Loreley had kept from him.
A son who had died.
The thought made him sick.
Sick with hurt.
Sick with loss.
Sick with disappointment.
Sick with anger.
He came back out of his thoughts and turned his heat filled glare on Loreley. She was watching him with an expression on her face that he didn’t want to interpret. It was remorse, remorse and shock and sorrow. But Jason didn’t want to see any of that coming from her right now.
All he was interested in was to somehow get rid of that strangling feeling he had in his throat, the weight that was sitting on his chest and was threatening to choke him.
And he did that by lashing out at her.
“Tell me you didn’t keep my son from me.” He didn’t recognize his own voice. It was cold but hot with anger at the same time.
Loreley flinched.
Good.
Jason stepped closer to her and leaned into her face until their noses almost touched and repeated his words on a hiss, “Tell me you didn’t fucking keep my son from me.” It was a threat as much as it was a plea.
“I didn’t. I called you, left messages. Emailed you.”
“I obviously never got those messages, Loreley. I would have never ignored you, would have never abandoned you and our child. And you should have known that, Loreley. You knew me. You knew everything about me. You knew me down to my soul. You should have known that there was no way I would have ignored those messages.”
He watched as Loreley’s eyes filled with panic.
“I thought you cheated on me. You—”
“No, Loreley. You also should have known that I would never cheat on you. I can be an asshole and say things I don’t mean, but we were committed to each other and I would have never hurt you like that. We were going to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. We talked about our future all the time. What? You think I would throw all that away for some groupie pussy?”
Loreley didn’t say anything, but Jason could see it in her eyes. That’s exactly what she had thought. She had been convinced that he had thrown them away to get himself some. After everything they had talked about, after all the times he had told her that she was the one for him, the one who made him happy, the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the one he couldn’t imagine living without. After all that, all it took was one misunderstanding and she had stopped believing in him, had stopped believing in them, and as a consequence, had kept his son from him, a son who he would never have a chance to meet now.
And that hurt.
It hurt like a motherfucker.
Jason let her see just how much as he kept staring into her eyes. Tears welled up in hers as she stared right back at him. She made as if to move into him but Jason stepped away from her. She froze.
“Jason—”
“You should have told me. You should have done everything in your power to talk to me,” he interrupted her. He wasn’t interested in her apology. It was too late for that.
He turned his head and locked his eyes first with Cal’s then with Chris’.
Cal stayed silent, just watched him carefully and apologetically. Chris did the same.
He didn’t want their apologies either.
This time it was him, who without another look, turned on his heel and walked to his car, got in, and drove off.
Chapter 8
LORELEY
“What have I done?” I whispered in horror as I watched Jason drive away. Silent tears were running down my cheeks.
How the tables had turned.
Less than five minutes ago, I had been the one who had been betrayed by the love of her life, who had been hurt, whose heart had been shredded.
Now, it was Jason who was experiencing the pain of betrayal.
But it was so much worse.
Not only had he just found out that the love of his life had stopped believing in him because of some misunderstanding that she was too blind to see as such, but he had also just learned that that same woman hadn’t tried real hard to get a hold of him when she learned she was carrying their child, and as a result of that, he would never get the chance to get to know his own son.
And that woman was me.
I had done that to him.
To us.
To Jesse.
Jason was right.
I should have known that he would have never cheated on me. If I had really loved him the way I said I did, I would have tried to get to the bottom of it instead of running away.
He was absolutely right.
Had I not run away and shut him out, we would have still been together when I found out I was pregnant.
We would have been a family together.
Or if I had tried harder to get in touch with him when I did find out.
Even if he had cheated on me and we were over, I should have known he wasn’t the kind of man to turn his back on his own child.
But instead, I had wanted to believe that Jason Sanders was a jerk who didn’t deserve to be a part of Jesse’s and my life.
It was all my fault.
A mistake I would have to live with now for the rest of my life.
“What have I done?” I whispered again, my voic
e conveying exactly how broken and empty I was feeling inside.
Strong arms went around me and pulled me into a hard chest. I felt Cal’s chin rest on the top of my head as he squeezed me tight.
I closed my eyes, hoping this had all just been a bad dream even though I knew it wasn’t.
I had been a bitch and had wanted to hurt Jason. I had been so wrapped up in my own head and too blind to see that he had not been playing a game, that he really hadn’t known what I was talking about.
I had been a bitch and had said ugly things with the sole intention of hurting him.
And boy had I succeeded.
I lifted my head out of Cal’s chest and leaned back so I could see his face. He tipped his chin down to see mine.
“I behaved like a bitch.”
Cal clenched his teeth in what I took as confirmation that yes, he agreed that I had indeed behaved like a bitch and he was disappointed in me.
“Yes, Lore, you did. But it’s understandable why you did it.”
I shook my head. “No, Cal, it isn’t. The things I said to him, how I said them to him, it was ugly. Nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves to find out about the death of their son like that, no matter what they have done.”
Cal looked at me with serious eyes, not saying anything, which again I took as agreement. I felt my lower lip start to tremble.
“What am I gonna do, Cal? How am I gonna make this right?”
“I don’t know, Lore. I don’t know.” He pulled me back against his chest and rubbed my back soothingly as silent tears ran down my cheeks. I was in complete shock. Everything I had believed for the past six years had been a lie. The look of absolute horror and shock and then pain and betrayal that had flitted over Jason’s face had told me everything I needed to know.
He didn’t cheat on me.
He hadn’t known I was pregnant.
He loved me and would have never left us.
But I took his chance of being part of our family away from him by keeping the existence of our son from him.
I betrayed him, betrayed both of us, and betrayed Jesse by wanting to believe the worst of his father.
I couldn’t blame him if he hated me now and would never want to see me again.
Because what I had done was truly unforgivable.
Cal held me like that for a few minutes before he turned us and walked us into my house. I looked at Chris then. He had wanted to talk to me that morning, had said it was important, had urged me to talk to Jason. He had known that Jason wasn’t to blame for what happened. He had known and wanted to tell me. And instead of trusting my best friend that he had my best interests at heart and listening to him, I had gotten my feelings hurt and got mad at him for choosing Jason’s side.
I was an even bigger bitch than I thought I was.
The silent tears turned into not so silent sobs.
“He’s right Chris. I should have known. I should have—”
“No, Lore,” Chris interrupted me. He came to sit next to me on the couch and took my hand. “There was no way for you to know that that woman wasn’t with Jason that morning. And there was no way for you to know that he didn’t get your messages, that he didn’t know you were pregnant.”
I shook my head at him. “I gave up on him—”
“No, Lore,” he interrupted me again. “You couldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. It was a misunderstanding. And it’s not like he hunted you down to talk to you. He gave up on you just like you gave up on him. Worse, because you actually thought you had a reason. He was a jerk to you that night, but you still went back to talk to him. You didn’t know Murphy was staying at Jason’s place, so how would you know that woman was with Murphy and not with him?”
He made sense of course, but in that moment, all I could think about was the look on Jason’s face when I told him about Jesse being dead. “That doesn’t excuse what I did, Chris.”
“If you mean what you did today, you’re probably right. It doesn’t.” I flinched and felt my bottom lip start to tremble again. Chris put one hand to my cheek and wiped the tears that were again falling away with his thumb. “But it’s understandable, Lore. You’ve been in so much pain for such a long time. I’m not surprised that you lashed out to let go of some of it.”
“Chris is right, Loreley. Your reaction was harsh, but it was understandable. You couldn’t have known any of that. You acted on what you thought you knew. Yeah, it was ugly and it hurt, but nobody can blame you for lashing out at the person you thought was the cause for a big portion of the hurt you’ve been carrying for six years,” Cal stated.
“Jason is going to blame me. And he’s got every right to.”
“He’ll come around, Lore. If he is the man I know him to be, he’ll come around once you’ve talked to him, once you’ve explained everything to him. He told me last night that he hasn’t stopped loving you for all these years, so he’ll come around.” Chris assured me.
I hoped he was right. “He said that?” I asked. Chris nodded.
“And I know that you never stopped loving him either. If you had, you wouldn’t have still been so hurt and angry after all this time.” I closed my eyes and touched my forehead to his.
“I should have listened to you this morning.”
“Yeah, you should have. But I didn’t try very hard either. I didn’t want to cause you more pain. And I was scared you’d be mad at me.”
“I probably wouldn’t have believed you. I’m such a stubborn bitch.”
Chris chuckled. “You’re stubborn and you can be a bitch when provoked, but you’re not a bitch normally.”
I took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm down. “Thank you, Chris.”
“You’re welcome. Now, get your shit together. You’ve got a phone call to make.”
Grateful, I smiled at him.
Then I got my shit together so I could make a phone call.
I made that phone call and a couple more within the next few hours.
Jason never picked up.
The first two times, I left messages for him, apologizing and asking him to call me back so we could talk. He never did. I doubted he even listened to the messages.
Chris and Cal had both still been at my house during the first call. It had rung a few times before it went to voice mail. My phone number was still the same it had been six years ago, so I was pretty sure Jason knew it was me who was calling him.
My heart was beating in overtime as I listened to the phone ringing and sunk when the call went to voice mail.
Both Cal and Chris had thunderous expressions on their faces when I hung up—well, Cal’s was definitely thunderous. Chris’ was more sad than angry, but the glint in his eyes couldn’t be mistaken for anything but anger.
“Give him some time, Lore. He’ll come around,” Chris repeated his words from earlier.
The next time I called a few hours later, it didn’t ring. It went straight to voice mail.
The message was clear.
Jason didn’t want to talk to me.
I understood why, but still, I didn’t give up. I called him once more with the same result and then decided to go up to the rental and talk to him face to face.
When I drove up to Cal’s A-Frame, the Challenger was nowhere in sight. Still, I went to the front door and knocked and peeked through the windows when nobody answered. The house looked and felt empty. He wasn’t home. Determined to talk to him today, I waited on the front porch. I waited for over two hours until I gave up and decided to go to the cemetery.
I would come back and try again later.
Jason wasn’t the only person I owed an apology.
I owed my son one as well.
I had never talked to Jesse about his dad, never even so much as mentioned his name. It had been too painful to remember. And what was I supposed to tell him? That his father had abandoned us? That he didn’t want anything to do with us? That he was off enjoying his rock star career and probably didn’t even think a
bout us? Those weren’t things a son should think about his father. So I had put it off and placated him when he asked why he didn’t have a father or where his father was or if his father would ever come to see him.
Now, I realized that that had been one of my biggest mistakes. Jesse deserved to have a father, and I had withheld that option from him even in spirit. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have lied to him, come up with a reasonable story about why his father wasn’t with us. Or even tell him the truth. Or at least the truth that was fit for a five-year-old’s ears. The truth about his parents falling in love with each other, but things not working out between us; that we both loved him very much, but that his dad lived too far away for him to visit.
I couldn’t turn back time but I could sure as hell try and make up for it now.
So kneeling in front of his grave, I told my son about his father.
“The first time we met I didn’t really want to talk to your father, but he was resilient and sat down next to me and started talking until I couldn’t help but listen. He made me laugh. He had so many crazy stories to tell and was such a good storyteller. That’s something the two of you had in common: make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it, because your stories are so crazy and over the top that I can’t help but laugh. You would have loved him. And he would have loved you. No doubt about it.”
I swallowed as tears stung my eyes and my throat closed up.
“I owe you an apology, Jesse. An apology for keeping your father from you. I am so sorry,” I choked as the enormity of what I had done overwhelmed me. Tears streamed down my face yet again as I sobbed at my son’s grave for the first time in months. “There is no excuse for keeping him from you. I should have told you about him, should have told you how much in love we were when we made you. I am so sorry.” I cried some more.
“He never knew about me?” I turned around and saw Jason standing behind me. His face was set in an angry mask that did nothing to hide the pain and anguish in his eyes.
I wiped the tears away, but it was no use. Seeing him like that and knowing I was responsible for it, broke my heart yet again.
“I’m sorry, Jason. I’m so sorry,” I whispered brokenly through my tears.
“You being sorry is not gonna turn back time, is it? It’s not gonna let me meet and get to know my son, is it?”