Glancing down, I bit my lip to realign my focus.
“How’s that all coming?” I asked, risking a glance up. His somber eyes studied mine, searching them. His gaze was heavy, intimate, and I couldn’t glance away but was locked in, only able to breathe.
“Better.”
“Better… than?” I asked carefully, trepidation seeping in.
“Better than before… I—” He paused and glanced down, breaking the spell of his gaze. He bit his lower lip with his teeth, shaking his head in a rueful way. For a moment he studied his hands, seeming to search for the words and my curiosity flamed, yet my compassion was greater for the humility he was experiencing, surely something that he wasn’t familiar with.
“Sophia, I need to apologize. Again.” His demeanor reminding me of when he apologized for kissing me.
I waited.
“It’s like this… I was using you.” He paused and glanced away, his expression guarded.
“You were using me?” My heart stopped then picked up a strong beat that was painful in its intensity. What is he saying?
“Yeah… I used you rather than actually walking away from the drugs. I exchanged cocaine for you… While that switch was a step up… it wasn’t fair to you.” He exhaled heavily and watched me.
My heart was breaking. Hadn’t I told myself this a thousand times? That very same thing, I had tried to convince myself. But no, my stupid heart hadn’t listened. I was in love… alone. With a strength I knew only came from Heaven, I held the tears at bay and focused on Greyson, acting in the love that I had for him, I put him first, sacrificing my own heart in the process. After all, that’s what love was. It was too bad I had to experience the heartbreak that went along with it.
“No… that wasn’t fair,” I said, keeping my tone even.
“I took advantage, and for that I’m sorry. You came breezing in, not caring who I was.” He stood and laughed humorlessly. “You probably had no idea who I was anyway!”
“I did a search on you,” I confessed.
His lips twisted into a sarcastic smile. “That doesn’t surprise me… but even after you knew, you didn’t change the way you were. When you’re messed up, you want someone with the answers. Sophia, you had all the answers and I fed on that. And what happened? As soon as I got on my own, away from you and my parasitical attachment to your heart, I took a fat leap off the wrong cliff.” He shook his head and walked to the window, gazing out.
Glancing at my lap, I bit my tongue to simply feel the pain, to distract from the heartache.
“What’s even worse is that I didn’t even trust you. Here I was depending on you, using your strength as my own, but when I had the chance to repay you, I failed,” he whispered. “I didn’t even listen. My mind was made up, because I was just waiting for you to show your true colors. You know, fail at what you had promised. Everyone always does. Why would you be any different? You know?”
I nodded to myself, not trusting my voice.
“But you are different, and it was me. All me.” He turned toward me and put his fist over his heart. “Me.” His eyes were the color of steel, hard and unmoving.
“You’re forgiven,” I whispered, releasing him from the chains he’d made for himself from the guilt.
“I don’t deserve it.” His voice was ragged, edgy with self-incrimination.
“No one does.”
Greyson watched me, as if trying to determine if I was simply being kind or if I meant the words.
“I’m not simply saying that, Greyson.” I said, feeling stronger, more determined. “Forgiveness isn’t about letting that person get away with what they did. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the burden they carry, and if that person is sorry, regretful for their actions, then you release them from the guilt they carry on their own. You can’t earn it, can’t demand it. It has to be given freely and that’s what I’m offering. Greyson, you’re a mess.” I shook my head and took a step closer. “You’re not telling me a whole lot that I didn’t already know in one way or another. But what you don’t seem to understand is that love — real love — sees all the bad, the imperfections and brokenness… and loves regardless. That love can have many faces. It can be friendship or more, but it’s always unconditional. Always free. It’s a gift because we can’t earn it.” I placed a hand on his shoulder. He tensed under my touch so I removed it quickly. A searing pain of loss pierced me as I did.
Greyson nodded and glanced down to the floor. It was strange, seeing him so uncertain, so hesitant. My heart ached for him, almost as much as it ached to know I was going to be without him.
“Dr. Solomon… he told me everything,” Greyson said quietly after a moment.
“Oh?”
“Yeah… actually…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “He told me I was an ass.”
“Accurate.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.” I shrugged.
“But really… I was in a bad way, feeling like crap and he waltzes in, leans against the door and gives it to me with both barrels. It didn’t help that at the time I was seeing two of him rather than one.” Greyson shook his head.
“Scary,” I said dryly.
“You have no idea… he was the last person I wanted to see. I begged Gregory once I heard that I was being transported here. I think I fired him at least five times but he just wouldn’t leave…”
“Remind me to thank Gregory later.”
“Don’t worry… I’ve sufficiently apologized enough for the rest of mankind. Any more and his ego won’t survive it. It will implode.”
“Always a nice way to go.”
“But seriously, Dr. Solomon told me what happened… you drowning in your tea and all…” Greyson shot me a sideways glance, his face lighting up for the first time since I’d seen him.
My heart hurt and relaxed all at once, if possible.
“And I’m under strict instructions not to touch you, not to breathe too hard in your direction, and if you so much as speak too loud I’m pretty sure he’ll have the special nurse task force take me out in my sleep.”
“Ah, you’ve heard of those guys.”
“Let’s just say I was educated…”
“Sounds like fun.”
“No. Not at all.” He gave a slight shudder. My curiosity grew but I didn’t ask.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Sophia. I should have, but I didn’t, thus proving what an idiot I am.”
“Already forgiven.”
“Would you quit doing that?” Greyson shouted, then cast a wary glance at the door as if preparing for someone to come in and rescue me. When no one did, he relaxed and turned, giving me a frustrated and angry expression. “Stop it. I don’t deserve it. Quit forgiving me so damn — darn easily!” He spun and walked across the room, stopping at the other wall, his shoulders heaving.
“Why?” I asked calmly.
“Why what? I just explained it to you. I don’t deserve it! Forgiveness costs… don’t spend it on me.” His shoulders hunched forward as he hung his head.
“Of course it does.” My voice trembled. “But I’m forgiven… who am I to deny you that same forgiveness that was extended to me? If I deny that to you… how am I able to accept it from God then?”
He blew out a frustrated breath as he whirled around. “And we’re back to God.”
“Always… you really should know that by now.”
“I just… It’s hard to accept it.”
“Because of your guilt?” I asked.
“Yeah… because I know how pathetic I am. It’s why I don’t even want you to touch me, Sophia. Trust me, there’s nothing more I want right now than to consume you, taste you, and lose myself in all that you are… I’d be using you, but it’s more than that. His eyes burned with intensity that heated me from the inside, reminding me of the flavor of his kiss and the power in his embrace. “You’re so… clean.”
“Clean?” The word reverberated in my head. Was he serious? I
took a step forward.
“Yeah, you’re like… snow. You know, the kind that has just fallen and is perfectly white, untouched and pristine? So beautiful and pure you don’t want to even walk on it because you’d diminish its beauty, its perfection. I feel like if I touch you, it’d be like driving a muddy truck through that virgin snow…” He shook his head while his breathing hitched as if he were struggling to keep his emotions in check. “I won’t do that.”
“You sure give me a lot of credit.” I shook my head.
“No, you just don’t see yourself very clearly.”
“On the contrary, maybe I see myself more accurately than you do. Greyson, we all have issues. Wait… haven’t we had this conversation?” I gave a gentle laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yeah… sounds familiar… but I still haven’t changed my opinion.”
“Because you’re stubborn.”
“And you’re not?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Nope.”
“Ri-i-ight…”
“But honestly, Greyson, you are a hot mess. I’m not denying that. At all. Seriously, you’re screwed up.” I said.
“My self-esteem is soaring, thanks.”
“Just being honest. But the difference between you and the snow? Forgiveness. Of yourself.”
His eyes widened. The furrow of his brow told me he was thinking and I pressed on.
“You can’t accept forgiveness from me because you haven’t forgiven yourself, also eliminating the chance for you to believe that God could forgive you either — love you even. You are like the mud you described. You’re stuck and unable to move because your guilt is like a chain. Forgiveness… is the key to the lock.”
“Why should I forgive myself? Let alone expect God to forgive me?” He shook his head.
“Because He promised He would. He paid the price for your guilt… so when you think about it… it’s you who’s not accepting what’s already there… saying you’re not good enough for it when it’s not given because you’ve earned it… but out of love.”
Greyson went still. Dark eyelashes touched his cheekbones as he waited silently, clearly thinking.
The only sound was his breathing. Then there was a change in his posture, a relaxing that happened just before he opened his eyes, spearing me with a determined gaze.
“I just… I want peace, Sophia. I want it here.” He took a step toward me and placed his hand over my heart. “I want what you have… if that’s how you get it… then I’m in.” He shrugged.
“That’s a conversation you need to have with God then… not me,” I murmured.
“That would make sense… but uh, how does one talk with God?” His eyebrows furrowed.
“The same way you talk with me.”
“Seems too simple.”
“It needs to be… after all… we are only human.” I shrugged.
“Point taken.” He grinned then sobered. “I need some time, Sophia… to sort through this. And…as much as I’m probably going to hate myself for saying this… I need to do it without you.” He closed his eyes.
“I understand.”
“But…” His eyes flashed open, piercing in their intensity. “When I do… have at least some of this figured out… can I call you? See you? Anything really. I’ll—”
“Yes.” My heart thumping excitedly with hope.
“Yes?” His eyes widened.
“Yes, as in, that’s good.” I said, my voice rising in pitch with excitement.
His lips spread into a smile that reached the furthest depths of his eyes and curled my toes in its masculine beauty.
“Then you better leave… I’ve got some work to do and the sooner I’m done with it…” His eyes took on a predatory gleam and he leaned forward.
I froze and watched his movements, closing my eyes as he placed a chaste but warm kiss to my forehead. All at once I was assaulted by his spicy masculine scent that reminded me of what it felt like to have those same lips pressed against my own.
“…the sooner I can chase you,” he whispered, rubbing his nose across my forehead and down my cheek before he backed away.
Immediately I felt the loss of his heat, the flavor of the air that surrounded him, and I was craving it. But Greyson was right. He needed time without me. So, after an unsteady breath I whispered goodbye and slipped into the hallway.
“How did it go?” Dr. Solomon’s voice startled me. He pushed away from the wall across from Greyson’s door. Had he been there the whole time?
“Well… he apologized.” I watched Dr. Solomon, curious to see how he’d react.
“Good.”
“And thanks.”
“For?” His brow furrowed and his blue eyes narrowed.
“For calling him out…nice choice of words by the way.”
At this, Dr. Solomon’s face broke out into a grin. “That was probably the best part of my day. And completely accurate, if I do say so myself.”
“I agree.”
“Anything else?” His face lost the grin and sobered as he regarded me coolly.
“Greyson needs time. I won’t be visiting him again soon.”
“A wise choice.”
“It is… thank you.” I gave him a grateful smile.
“You’re welcome. That man… he needs to learn how to move on… let go of the past. We all have histories. All have mistakes.”
He began to leave then paused, turning halfway around. “I’ll keep you updated, as I have been. He’s making significant progress, and I don’t think he’ll be here next week. But I’m going to suggest he stays close just in case.”
“Got it. Thanks again.”
“You’re very welcome.”
My mind spun as I went over my conversation with Greyson. Hope warred against fear as I considered his words, his promises. Though I knew it was wise for me to stay away, to give him space to grow, the distance was a slow burn that ached. I wanted him so desperately, so badly, and I realized the distance was probably a good thing for me as well.
And love, real love, was about the other person, not yourself. In being selfless, Greyson was protecting me from himself, and I was in fact, protecting him as well from making the same mistakes twice. Hope filled my heart at that revelation and, rather than dread the time apart, I was thankful for it.
Because in the end, Greyson was worth it.
Chapter Seventeen
The next few weeks were a slow torture while I waited for news on Greyson. Sure enough, he was discharged from the Center later on that week, but he had chosen to follow Dr. Solomon’s advice and rented a penthouse close by. Gregory had also taken to updating me on Greyson’s progress. He was seeing a well-known counselor and was delegating more and more of his company to board members and vice presidents, thus relieving stress from his business.
But it wasn’t enough for me. While I was thankful for the updates, I wanted to see the man. About a month after I’d last talked with Greyson, Bekah and I were lounging on the couch watching re-runs on Netflix when my phone buzzed. My pink monster slippers were soundless as I shuffled to the kitchen table and picked up my phone. Greyson’s name lit up the screen.
“Hey,” I answered, fully expecting to hear Gregory on the line. He had called me a few times rather than text, always with Greyson’s phone. The first time it happened I’d almost had a heart attack. But now I knew better.
“Hey you.” Greyson’s silky voice crooned in my ears and I almost dropped the phone.
“Greyson?” I whispered breathlessly. I shook my head, all it took was the sound of his voice and I was gone. Clearly I needed to work on my self-control.
“Yep. Though someone calls me kryptonite,” he joked.
I lowered the phone and rolled my eyes.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me.” He chuckled into the phone.
“You so deserved it after that comment.”
“What? I’m not romantic?”
“No.”
“I’ll have to try harder.” His v
oice was deeply alluring.
“I’m game.” My heart thumped wildly with hope and anticipation.
“Good… why don’t you open the door?”
“What?”
“The door… you know, the thing you walk in and out through? Open it.” I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Okay.” I raced over to the door, my slippers skidding on the hardwood entry way, and I ended up slamming into the door. “Ouch!”
“You alright?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my elbow and stepped back, pulling the door open. But no one was there. “I think you’re at the wrong house.”
“Nope. Look down.”
I glanced down and at my feet was a brown package. I lifted it and took it inside, placing the phone between my cheek and shoulder.
“Special delivery, huh?” I asked, reaching for a knife to slice through the tape.
“Snail mail rocks… packages? Even better,” Greyson responded.
“So, did you use one or two rolls of tape to seal this thing?” I asked as I sliced the knife through the thick seal of reinforced cellophane.
“Neither. I used three.”
“Explains why it’s so heavy.” I remarked with a slight giggle.
“Yep. I’m trying to throw you off.”
“Your master plan worked.”
“They always do.” Greyson laughed unabashedly. “Open it already. The anticipation is killing me.”
“You’re the one who knows what it is.” I shot back.
“True… are you there yet?”
“No. Patience.”
“I’m working on it!” Greyson’s tone was light and my heart melted in hearing that in his voice.
“Whatever.” I pulled out another brown paper wrapped box, this one narrower. Oh please tell me that you’re not doing the whole box inside of a box inside of a box for infinity thing. That’s just cruel.”
“Last box, promise.”
“Good.” The brown paper unwrapped easily and displayed before me, was two pounds of uncured, hickory-smoked bacon. It was the last thing I expected to see, and the surprise and memories that it brought back evoked a wide grin. “Bacon!”
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