Chapter Nine
I am a hot mess. I completely went off on Tyler and Denise yesterday. I embarrassed myself beyond belief, and the truth is, I’m not sure whether it did any good or not. I still have so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. I just don’t know how to get them all out, how to let go of these feelings that keep eating me up from the inside out. I had a breakthrough though. I realized I need it. I need human touch. I want Tyler to hug me, his finger to brush my cheek, I want him to hold me while I sleep.
Meredith put down her journal and bit her thumbnail thoughtfully. Last night had been the first night of real sleep she’d gotten since this whole ordeal had started. Why, she wasn’t sure, but thought maybe she’d reached a turning point, and perhaps the emotions of the last few days had finally gotten to her. For the first time when she’d woken up this morning, she believed that she would come through this on the other side. Not unscathed, but possibly able to enjoy her life. To be able to get married and have children and have what others would consider a normal life. She even thought that maybe she would be able to have that with Tyler. But before she would be able to do that, she had to come to grips with her mental issues. That’s why she’d made another appointment with her therapist, sooner than normal.
She placed her journal in its safe spot and then went to find Tyler. She found him at the kitchen table with Liam, drinking from his ever present skull mug.
“Morning,” he greeted her, offering a small smile.
She knew that she didn’t deserve that. Not really. Not after the way she’d acted the night before and the blubbering mess she’d been before assaulting him. But she’d take it.
“Morning. Do you think that you and your skull mug can take me to a doctor’s appointment here in a few?”
His brows narrowed. “Something wrong?”
“No, I just feel like after last night, I need to talk about some stuff.”
He realized that she didn’t really want to get into it with Liam around and, thankfully, he didn’t press her for further info. “Let me just wash my cup and then we can jet.”
Jagger, a new member of the club who was just coming out of his Prospect period, stopped him. “Nah, man, I got it. You go on.”
Movement in the club stopped. Everyone watched as Jagger grinned and picked up the mug, showing what he considered proper respect for his elder officer. He took it over to the sink, washed and dried it quickly before bringing it back to the table and setting it down in front of Tyler. It wasn’t until then that he noticed all eyes on him.
“What?” he asked, uncomfortable with the stares that followed him. Even Liam looked at him, mouth hanging wide open. “You never seen somebody pay some respect to somebody else and do a dish?”
“I haven’t ever seen anybody touch that mug, including me,” Liam clarified, watching Jagger with wide eyes. “Tyler always hints that it’s cursed, but he never tells us for sure.”
Finally picking up on what he was saying, Jagger lost his swagger and looked at Tyler. “The fuck man? Seriously? Is it cursed?”
“I guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”
“I’m ready to move on,” Meredith told Dr. Jones with such determination in her voice even she believed it.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I want to try and get physical again. I want to get married, I want to have children. I want this to stop hanging over my head. I want to take my life back.”
“I caution you again, Meredith, not to rush yourself. Don’t do this out of some misguided sense that there’s a timeline.”
She shook her head. “I’m not. I let Tyler kiss me the other night.”
“How did that go?”
“Pretty well. I think if he had tried, I would have let him go further.”
Something in her eyes caused the Doctor to sit forward and regard her seriously. “What brought this on, and be honest with me.”
“My friend Denise and her old man, boyfriend, whatever, have decided to have a baby,” Meredith sighed. “This is what I wanted for so long, and I feel like the world is moving on without me.”
“Nothing moves on without you, Meredith. Your world goes at your pace, theirs goes at theirs.”
“And trust me, I know that, but I’m so sick of Tyler sleeping on the floor. If you get what I mean.”
A patient smile appeared on Doctor Jones’ face. “You really think you’re ready for that?”
“I think I’m getting there, but I’m not sure how not to freak out.”
Doctor Jones thought over her words carefully and very softly suggested her regimen of therapy. “Masturbation.”
“What?” Meredith coughed, her face flaming red.
“You have to get comfortable with sexual feelings and touches again. What better way to do that than for you to have complete control over what you’re doing. He can even watch.”
“The hell he will,” she shouted.
“You’ve never done that before?”
Something about the older woman asking her that caused Meredith to giggle and then she couldn’t stop. “Are you a freak under those professional clothes, Doc?”
“Two consenting adults watching each other masturbate does not a freak make,” she smiled, not really answering the question.
Meredith could see where the doctor was coming from and was sure that she’d used this method of treatment with other rape survivors before, but she honestly knew nothing about what the doctor was asking her to do. “Where do I even begin?”
“Tell Tyler to take you to Upton,” she smiled mysteriously.
“What’s in Upton?”
“Trust me, Tyler knows and he won’t even question it. Just walk out that door, tell him to take you there, and I’d like to see you in the next couple of days.”
Armed with her new ‘homework’ fresh in her brain, Meredith walked out, a bemused look on her face. Tyler had a cell phone to his ear and was grinning in an evilly wicked way she’d never seen before. Holding up his finger, he continued talking for a few moments before ending the call.
“Everything alright?” she asked when he doubled over with laughter.
“Jagger ran into a chair and broke his toe. The ‘curse of the skull’ is in full effect.”
She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.
“Seriously, is that damn thing cursed or not?”
“What do you think?” he asked her with a quirked brow.
The fact of the matter was, she wasn’t sure. Jagger was making a good case for it being cursed though. “I don’t know still. I’ll reserve judgment for a later date. Now I have a favor to ask.”
“What’s that?” he asked, leaning against the bike. His long legs crossed at the ankle and his hands rested at his sides. She loved how comfortable he was in his body. A small amused smile still played at the edges of his lips.
“Can you take me to Upton?”
His eyes darkened and that smile turned sexy, transforming his face. “You sure?”
“Yeah. Doc Jones told me to ask you to take me there. I’m not sure what’s there, but she said it was crucial to my recovery.”
He hopped on the bike and patted the seat behind him for her. Once she got on and put her arms around him, he turned his face into hers and quickly connected their lips. “This, baby, is going to be my complete pleasure.”
Chapter Ten
Meredith couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face as she and Tyler made their way north up I-65. Being with him on a bike was quickly becoming her very favorite place to be. As he wove in and out of traffic, she enjoyed the scenery. A few years before, a major ice storm had destroyed most of the brush and trees along the interstate, but they were beginning to make a comeback. Given the time of year and the fact they’d had plenty of rain, the colors were beautiful. Gripping his waist, she took the moment to lean her head against his back and just breathe.
It felt like this every time.
She could b
reathe with him around. She could let down her guard and not worry that someone would hurt her. It was nice, relaxing, and freeing. His presence seemed to be the only relief she could get from the jittery, nervous feelings that constantly resided in her stomach.
Watching the miles tick away, she glanced at the next green sign that indicated how far they were away from certain destinations in Kentucky. This particular one showed Upton to be only a few miles up the road. Her stomach gave a lurch, but this time not in fear, in excitement.
As the bike ate up the miles, she noticed a sign up ahead proclaiming Jesus saved. She raised her eyebrows as Tyler took that exit and slowed down the bike. A stop sign at the end of the road told they could go either left or right, he chose right and then hung another right at the next road. It looked like they were in the middle of nowhere and her curiosity was piqued. They passed a gas station and a run-down motel before pulling into a parking lot where the back side of the building proclaimed this was a sex shop that was open 24/7 including Christmas Day.
He parked the bike and turned it off as he gauged her reaction carefully.
“A sex store?”
The grin that came to his face looked like it couldn’t be helped. “Tell me exactly what your therapist said to you, because I’m intrigued. By the way, you’ll need your ID.”
She took the moment to glance down into the saddle bag that she stowed her stuff in, fishing out her ID. It gave her just enough time to get the redness in her face under control. This was so far out of her element that she wanted to run screaming.
“Masturbation,” she mumbled.
This grin was shit eating. “Well, we’ve come to the right place, sweetheart. After you,” he ushered her into the store.
Once inside, she did her best not to let her eyes pop out of her head. It was sensory overload at its finest. Before they could pass into the main store, a man requested both their ID’s and ticked them off with a ticker he held in his hand. The smile he gave Tyler made her blood curl just a little.
“You come here often?” she hissed.
“I’m not gonna lie. I’m a red-blooded male. I been here a few times.”
That was so not what she wanted to hear. Had he come here with other women? Had they eagerly picked out toys to use and videos to watch and then gone back to his dorm room and put them all to use? It took the shine off the experience.
“I’ve never been here with another woman, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
He could always read what she felt, could always see inside her head, and she needed it so bad sometimes. “Thanks for not makin’ me ask that.”
“I could tell you were interested.”
An awkward beat passed between the two of them, and she had to look away from his face. Sometimes the intensity she saw there was too much for her to handle.
“So what am I looking at here?”
Tyler looked at her, eyebrows raised. “You don’t know? You never been in one of these stores or to any of your girlfriend’s parties?”
“Let’s just say I’ve never really had that many girlfriends, and no I’ve never been to a store like this before.”
He knew that this next question would be very uncomfortable for her, so he leaned in as close as he could. It was so close his hair brushed her shoulder and his lips lightly touched her ear. “Please tell me you’ve masturbated before.”
She immediately tensed up and he took a step back. “No, I didn’t tense because you were that close to me, that was actually nice. I tensed up because of well, you know, the other thing,” her face flashed a hot red.
“You are twenty-four years old, how can you be embarrassed about this?” he laughed, putting an arm around her neck and pulling her close.
Meredith buried her head in his chest and blew out a deep breathe, collecting herself. “This just isn’t who I am, I’ve never been really good at dealing with this stuff. It’s always embarrassed me. I grew up in a home where sex wasn’t discussed.”
Come to think of it, not much was discussed in her home besides the fact she needed to go to college and make something of herself. Her family wasn’t well off, but they didn’t lack for anything. None of them had been good at showing their feelings, which was probably why now she preferred just to stay away. It was easier than trying to make her parents feel something that she wasn’t ever sure had been there.
“Well we’re gonna discuss it. We’re gonna start with what the therapist said you need to be doin’. So, let’s go over to this wall right here.”
He steered her to a wall of brightly colored vibrators and other female sex toys.
“Just pick me something out,” she moaned.
Putting his hand on her chin, he turned her around so that he could see in her eyes and she could see in his. “This has to be you, Meredith. You have to decide what you’re going to do here. Do you want to heal or do you want to be stuck in the same place you are right now. If I pick this out for you, then he’s still won because you won’t embrace your femininity.”
Tears sprung to her eyes. All of a sudden, it made sense. Doctor Jones had wanted Tyler to bring her here because he got it. He knew that she needed to be pushed, but in a positive way. He encouraged her to make her own decisions and accomplish her own victories. “You’re right. Thank you for this.”
“Now if you want me here while you do this, I’ll be here. If you don’t want me here, I’ll go over to the men’s section. It’s up to you.”
Again he gave her the space to make her own decision.
“I think I wanna do this on my own,” she whispered.
Tyler nodded and leaned down, kissing her on the forehead. “I’ll be right over there if you need me.”
When he left, she stood gazing at the wall. It was so overwhelming, the amount of options she had to choose from. Part of her wanted to grab them and feel of them, but she was too shy. Pushing her hair behind her ears, she gnawed on her bottom lip in thought.
“You can pick them up if you want you know?” the man who’d checked her ID when she’d come in had come up behind her, obviously ready to make a sale.
Her hands and voice shaking, she took that leap forward. “I just don’t really know what I want.”
The salesman reached around her and picked up one of the smaller models and held it out to her. “Do you like the way this feels? It’s small, but powerful. If you don’t care about the girth, then I’ve had a lot of women come back and tell me they love this. Now if it’s something like a real dick you want, you’ll want one of those bigger ones over there. All vibrate, but some of them have more features than the other. If this if your first time in a shop like this, then I recommend you get two instead of one. Get two completely opposite of each other, that way you can really find out what you like. Don’t be scared to pick them up and get a feel of them. They won’t bite.”
His candidness was exactly what she needed. He smiled at her as he talked, engaging her in the conversation. It made her feel like she wasn’t the only woman who’d ever been at a shop like this, doing what she was doing. It was everything she’d hoped for when she made this journey.
After she’d selected what she wanted, she and Tyler walked up to the checkout and she hid her head in Tyler’s chest again as the salesman tested the products to make sure they worked.
Tyler and the salesman had a good rapport and teased her good naturedly. The smile on her face was one of the first that had seemed genuine since her attack. After everything was in the bag, Tyler pulled out cash to pay for her purchases.
“No, Ty,” she tried to push at his hand. Funny, she’d never felt comfortable enough with him to have a nickname before, but she did now. Maybe this trip had done more for her than even the good doctor had figured.
He pushed her hand out of the way. “Let me do this for you.”
She could see in his eyes how much he wanted to do it and she grinned, letting him know it was okay. As they left the store, the smile stayed on her face.
&nbs
p; “That smile is a good look on you,” he commented as they made their way to his bike.
“This smile is one hundred percent because of you, Tyler Blackfoot.”
That statement warmed his heart more than anything else had in a very long time.
“What do you say? Get me home and I can try this stuff out?”
Her flirtiness surprised him, but if she felt comfortable then he would not discourage her. “Whatever you feel like, baby.”
As they hopped on the bike, she thought about what he’d said. For the first time in a long time she felt sexy, dangerous, wild, wanton, and like an improved version of herself. She realized that she felt like a woman who wanted to seduce her man. She wasn’t sure if she could go through with it or not, but just having the want was enough for her.
Chapter Eleven
An hour later, the two of them pulled up to an old farmhouse that she’d never seen before. It was charming, with a tin roof that looked like it’d been recently replaced, but the paint peeled off the sides of the weather beaten house. He turned the bike off and threw his long leg over the side.
“What’s this place?” she asked.
“It’s mine. It’s my refuge when I need time to myself.”
That was news to her. She’d never heard anyone talk about Tyler having a home of his own, and he’d sure never said anything about it. Her reporter’s mind had a ton of questions. Inquisitive for the first time since the attack.
“I can see the questions in your eyes, but can you respect that I really don’t wanna talk about it right now.”
He’d respected everything about her situation, and she realized for the first time that she wasn’t the same person she’d been before. The types of questions that sprung to her mind now weren’t the ones she’d had before. These were much more humane, they were more about the person than the story. She didn’t feel that obsessive need to know the answers to the questions that sprung to mind. Instead she wanted to wait for him to tell her, not bully or trick him into an answer.
Heaven Hill Series - Complete Series Page 24