* * *
With dawn came a thunderstorm that forced the small town to stay indoors. Lightning brightens up the sky, cracking against the grey clouds like a whip against a slave’s back. The roof over this pitiful cage serves no purpose in a storm such as this one. The rain is blowing in through the bars, soaking my clothes and hair. I put the hood over my head even though it does very little to keep me dry. On the plus side, it’s cloudy enough to block the sun and I don’t need to wear my sunglasses. They are dripping with water as they hang over the collar of my shirt.
The door to the school has stayed shut since Trevor vanished inside last night. No one has bothered to come outside to check on me nor have they dared to face the storm. Of the few houses nearby, only one has opened their front door and they only did so to catch some of the rain water in a pot. That woman glanced my way for a split second, then went back into her house to disappear.
I feel like I’m the only person left in this place. The storm took the other people away and left me to wallow alone in my never ending hatred and sadness. There is no one here to talk to, no one to simply be around for company. I’d even be fine with one of Trevor’s men out here to keep an eye on me. Anyone would be better than the constant loneliness of this place. I only need one single person to help take the memories out of my mind.
I lean my head back against the school building. My knees are brought up to my chest with my bound hands wrapped around them. My clothes are soaked and water drips from the end of my nose and the tips of my hair. This is the first kind of shower I’ve had since I became this way. It doesn’t make me feel any cleaner or less dead, only wet. Nothing like that night with Ryder at the hotel in Hatfeld.
That night was beautiful. It was the first night I stepped out of my comfort zone with a complete stranger and allowed him to discover a side of me no one has ever known before. I think I actually fell in love with him on that very night.
I grit my teeth, squeeze my eyes shut tight, and bang my head against the brick wall. Why did I have to bring up that painful memory? My mind could have kept its damn mouth shut and let me just deal with the fact that it’s raining and I’m wet. But no, I had to force myself to think of this rain as a shower therefore making my mind drift back to that night alone with Ryder. The first night I spent with him that actually meant something more to me without even realizing it.
I’ll never have a night like that again. I’ll never get to stare at his half-naked body as rain water washes away the sweat, grime, and worries from his day. There will never be another moment where it’s just the two of us alone in a random room so we can share more than just intimacies.
That’s what my life is from here on out: a series of nevers. The people in my family are dead so I’ll never know what that type of love feels like again. I left my life back in the city so I’ll never have that kind of safety again. The love of my life is probably still lying dead at that gas station and I’ll never get to hear his voice again. I’ll never get to touch him or feel his skin against mine. That’s the worst of all this. Ryder was the only person in the world who had the power to make the worst situations seem not so bad and I could move on with my life.
There is nothing now to take the worst of things away from me and I have completely crashed to rock bottom.
A crack of thunder resonates all around me and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. The sound doesn’t frighten me, just the sheer emptiness of all that surrounds this place has me shivering. I was never good at being alone. Those few days after my dad passed were some of the worst. With my memory filled mind being my only friend and the obnoxious questions that will never be answered, being alone has become one of my worst enemies.
“I’ve tried telling you,” a quiet voice catches my ear, “you’re never really alone.”
I know that voice. It was the only sound I heard during the terrible transformation I endured.
I pull my head away from the wall and open my eyes. I scan the school yard and the interior of the cage from left to right. No one stands beside the wilting tree and the playground is barren. I am the only thing in the cage and the doors to the school haven’t been unlatched.
I heard the voice though. His tone is so familiar to me. No matter how many years go by I’ll always recognize my own brother. He has to be here. He needs to be here to show me what I’m supposed to do in order to get the hell out of here. But Charlie’s ghost is not paying me a visit this morning. My mind didn’t shut down and I’m not going any crazier than I already am. I got my hopes up on seeing my brother and my eyes are heavy with tears.
“Charlie?” I call out, begging for an answer, despite the emptiness around me.
The rain bounces off the bars, cascading down from the broken gutter hanging over the edge of the school. It splashes into a building puddle in the grass near the cage. Lightning takes over the sky letting a barrage of thunder follow in its wake. There is no sign of my brother and there never will be.
I roll my eyes and let my head rest against the building once more. I’ll always be longing for my family to show up when I need my mind to shut down. They’ll never be there. Just the familiar voices I’ll be stuck hearing for the remainder of time and they’ll slowly be breaking me down until I’m nothing but a bag of undead bones. I close my eyes again and stare at the blackness before me.
“How can you let the greatest love story I’ve ever seen come to an end?” a female voice takes over and I open my eyes quickly.
The same result as before fills my vision. I’m alone without my sister, but I hear her words echoing through my mind. It’s not like I meant for this to happen. I did my best and tried getting to safety. The bastards here had other plans and destroyed my only hope.
I don’t bother closing my eyes to wait for the next voice to fill my ears. I don’t need to hear my mother telling me that I’m failing at everything I have set out to achieve. I don’t need her judging me right now. I just need to stop hearing my family’s voices if they aren’t going to be with me long enough to have a conversation.
Actually, the voices can just stop altogether. They are only annoying reminders of people that used to be in my life. Horrible recollections of a past I no longer want to relive. My mind can erase any part of them from my history, completely destroy those memories so I no longer have to torture myself with the images of my past. I never want to see their faces behind my eyes, no longer want to hear their voices ringing in my ears, and I especially don’t want to miss them anymore. Missing people hurts too much and it’s less painful to be angry with them instead.
“You hear that family,” I say out loud, “I want to forget you. Each and every one of you can leave my mind forever. I don’t need you anymore.”
The rain muffled the sound of my voice but if they are really here, as Charlie has claimed, they will hear my every word. Maybe they will listen, most likely they won’t. I’m hoping that my words have made them angry enough to at least turn around during this part of my life. They can sit on the sidelines, watching something else for a change, until I’m dead and can join them once and for all.
In some ways, that’s what I’m really waiting for. Now that I have no one left to live for, Trevor can come out right now and forget all about taking over the world. He can put his small little handgun right to my head or my heart or whatever damn part of me that will forever end my suffering and pull the trigger.
Maybe then will I find peace throughout this world of utter chaos.
A squirrel scurries through the grass, running to the tree to my right, totally taking my attention away from my mind for a brief moment. This one is different than any other squirrel I’ve ever seen. It has a fluffy white tail instead of a grey one. That tail sticks out in the dark world the storm has created and appears to brighten up the path the squirrel takes to the tree. I focus as it climbs halfway up the trunk then stops before it reaches a branch. It clings onto the bark and whips its tiny head in every direction. The moment its beady little eyes m
eet with mine, it stops moving.
This creature stares at me with such focus, that its tail stops twitching and it isn’t breathing as fast anymore. I don’t know if this is some kind of sign from the people I want to forget or if this damn squirrel is just afraid because it knows what I am. No matter what it is, I wish it would leave me alone and go back to its home in that tree. It serves no purpose to stare at a worthless freak locked in a cage, yet it keeps its eyes locked on mine until a loud clap of thunder startles it enough to get it to move again. It disappears in a small hole above one of the large branches and is gone.
I shake my head and turn my attention away from the tree. If the little thing was close enough, I could have made a nice snack out of it, regardless if it was a sign from my family or not.
* * *
The rain lasted for two days and I was left out here alone and soaking wet. Only one person poked his head outside to check on me. He didn’t really need to since there is a camera pointed right the cage, but at least the kid asked if I was okay when he came out here. I didn’t have the words to respond, but a simple shrug from my shoulders gave him enough of an answer for him to go back inside and report to Trevor.
During those long two days, I have barely moved from my spot against the wall. My legs are stiff and my arms ache every time I move them. My clothes are soaked and the sun is busy hiding behind a few clouds to dry them. Trevor brought me a snack this morning once the rain came to an end and I was actually eager to give him the cure. I didn’t have to move very much in order to bite the guy’s leg and get my nutrients. Once he woke up as a human, Trevor took him inside the school and I have not heard from him since.
His men are still hanging around with their guns as they keep watch for zombies. This place is relatively quiet and free of those things. Other than the ones Trevor is saving for his army, I haven’t seen a single zombie roaming the streets. This is actually a safe place to call home. There might not be any walls to completely fortify the residents from any oncoming threat, but they are doing a bang up job at keeping the monsters at bay.
A few people from the town wander across the school yard making sure they stay in small groups. Some of the younger ones steal a quick glance in my direction and a look of sorrow forms on their faces. I don’t need their pity. I don’t need anything from these strangers other than for them to leave me the hell alone.
Of course, I can’t even get that.
Two familiar faces are strolling through the grass, coming my way. The stuffed dog is clutched in her small hand and she holds onto her father’s fingertips and walk towards me. I take in their scent when they get closer and relish in the sweet aroma. They smell clean, lacking that sweaty, dirty stench that comes from the guards standing nearby. The blood flowing through their veins is fresh and intoxicating, exactly like every other human being within smelling distance.
The little girl inches her way closer to the bars of the cage, but her father forces her to keep some space between her body and my prison. He’s worried about me getting my hands on her. After giving them a disgusting show of what I am capable of doing, I’d be worried too.
“I’m glad to see you survived that storm we got.” The father states.
I shrug, “You’re probably the only one.”
He shakes his head, “I’m sure there’s someone else out there who’s glad that you’re alive.”
“There is no one and I’m not alive. My heart doesn’t beat anymore.” I reply.
A frightened look crosses his daughter’s face and she hugs the stuffed dog even tighter against her chest. She looks away from me, staring at the tree and watches the white tailed squirrel perch on one of the branches. It has been sitting there all morning and I would love if it got closer. That thing has been annoying me and I could use a warm snack instead of the zombies.
“What’s your name?” the father asks.
I turn my eyes to his and reply, “Why do you care?”
“I don’t know. You’re an important person to the world right now and I want to know your name.” he says.
“Bridget.” I say as I roll my eyes.
“I’m Phil and this is my daughter Sarah.” He says and I pull my head away from the bricks behind me.
It has been quite some time since I’ve heard that name. I wanted to forget it. I still want to forget it. It is associated with someone I can never see again and now I am tortured because this man has the same name as my own dead father.
Why the hell does he have to have the same goddamn name? What reasons could this man possibly have for coming here and torture me with this? He and his scared little girl need to leave me alone just like everyone else on the planet.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Why are you here?” I snap.
“Sarah wanted to see you today.” He says.
I shake my head from side to side, “Quit with the bullshit. Why are you really here? Did you come here to torment me or get me to believe that everything is going to end up alright? Or are you just here to criticize me because my life didn’t wind up turning out the way you wanted it to?”
Confusion crosses his face and he opens his mouth to speak, “What are you talking about? We only came here to see that you were okay. Sarah and I could see you from our window and watched you through the storm.” He motions to a small window at the very top of one of the houses across the street from the school. “Despite the fact that you are not the nicest person in the world, we were concerned for you.”
The more he talks, the more his voice is gradually changing into my father’s tone and all I can think of are the many lectures I would be getting if he were really here. The more I stare at the man’s face, which is younger than my father’s, the more I see the similarities between them. The same eye color, the same hair color, the same concern in their voices. I don’t need this. I need to forget them and focus on ending this situation.
“You shouldn’t have come here. It’s a waste of your time and my fucking day.” I argue.
Phil let go of his daughter’s hand and steps closer to the cage, “Listen, I don’t know what the hell has gotten you so pissed off about us being here, but you need to stop it. You’re in a bad situation and you don’t need to make things worse by yelling at two people who might care about what happens to you.”
I want him to stop talking, to stop saying words that my own father would say to me. I close my eyes and listen to him speaking, sounding more and more like dad with every passing second. It’s killing me as my dad’s face flashes through my mind and the craziness is really taking over.
“You need to understand that you can’t let yourself go through this alone. You have to accept other people in your life no matter how hard it is going to be. You don’t need to be alone when others are willing to be here with you, Bridget.”
That took things over the top. He spoke my name and it was clearly my father’s voice shooting into my ears and I can’t take it.
I rip open my eyes and let the anger surge through me as I shout at him, “Just leave me the hell alone, dad, I don’t need you in my life anymore!”
Phil stammers back a pace or two. His eyes scream confusion as well as his hands he has raised in surrender. A few of Trevor’s goons caught this part of my tantrum and they turned the barrel of their guns toward me. Sarah grabs her father’s hand, holding on tightly, and awaits whatever fate is about to greet me.
I stare at his face. Those brown eyes that don’t belong my father anymore, they are different now, just like the rest of his face. I can no longer see the resemblance nor can I hear my father’s tone when he ushers his daughter away from the cage.
They head back for their small house across the street and leave me alone with whatever this emotion is that has taken over me. It doesn’t feel like rage or contempt. It isn’t sadness or despair either. This is much more powerful than any of those feelings, even if they are all balled up into one.
This gut wrenching pain that is coursing through m
e, this terrifying sensation that is taking control is the worst form of guilt I have ever felt. It’s more painful than when I changed into this monstrous creature that I have become. It’s scarier than the mere thought of being alone for the rest of my life. It builds up in the back of my throat, forcing a few small tears from my eyes and they drift down my cheeks. But I can’t take back what I said. I can’t go back in time to stop myself from screaming at my father to leave me alone.
* * *
I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean, it’s already been lost a long, long time ago, but I feel like this time it’s truly gone. After seeing my father’s face and hearing his voice in that man a few days ago, I can’t shake this feeling. Everywhere I look, I see them. In the faces of the citizens in this community, in the eyes of the people who gawk at me on a daily basis. Even in the damn zombies Trevor brings me to cure. Once they wake up alive, all I see is my family staring back at me.
Their voices terrorize me. They scream at me every time I hear someone speaking nearby. There is pain to their words and sadness in their voices. I can’t beg them to leave me alone nor can I will them to show their dead faces. I’m stuck in this limbo my mind has created and I’m slowly slipping into the madness of the world before me. The only time I feel peace at all, is when the tiny frenzy takes over as I lose myself in the bite I place upon a zombie.
That feeling is the only thing that makes me feel less insane and every time it occurs, I want it to last forever. I feel better when my mind is completely blank.
I see Trevor out there with his men. His numbers grow by the day and his army is becoming stronger. I am the one responsible for everything that’s happening outside of this cage. As those men train in the school yard, gaining their strength after being a zombie for god knows how long, I can feel myself changing. The monster is getting darker, I can feel it growing deep in my gut and there’s no stopping it. Don’t get me wrong, I want the monster to come out and show her devilish face, but I fear she might want something different than I do.
The Human Race (Book 3): The Main Event Page 4