Chapter Fourteen
Serenity
“Wait, back up, you two what?” Emma asked, jumping from the bed as if it was on fire. She was practically on top of me before I had a chance to blink my eyes.
“I told you. He kissed me and well, I sort of kissed him back.”
From the minute I got home and found Emma lounging on her bed I knew this is where the conversation would lead. She warned me before that she wanted to know everything that happened on our pseudo-date and as much as I wanted to keep it to myself, I knew I wouldn't. Given my lack of experience in all things guy related, I would have to tell her just so I could get some understanding of exactly what he might’ve been thinking.
Sure, she wasn't a guy, but she'd gone out with enough of them over the years. She had the uncanny ability of being able to read their mind. It’s really quite fascinating, the knowledge she's managed to assemble in just a few years’ time. She is the encyclopedia of guy. No doubt about it.
“Okay, let me get this straight. You talk to Gabriel for months, at least every single night and you get nowhere with him until one day he just up and leaves. You meet Ryan and three days later you're kissing him? What the hell happened to you?”
“What's that supposed to mean?” I ask, spinning around and facing her down. If she’s going to insinuate that I’m turning into some kind of slut, the least she could do was say it to my face.
She held up her hands in surrender, sensing I was offended by what she was trying to say. It also didn't help that hearing Gabriel in the same breath as Ryan did something funny to my insides. It shouldn't be happening.
“Ser, you know I don't mean anything by it. I just—well I'm having a hard time understanding how things happened this fast. This is not you.”
“Don't you think I know that? I don't do guys, at least not since—well, you know.”
“Graham.”
“Thanks for putting that out there, as always you're so helpful. Yes, Graham.”
“Well you can't not say his name ever again Ser, I mean he’s a pretty big part of your past. Hell, when you moved away, he’s the person that kept you alive.”
She’s right about that. When my mom decided to move, thinking a change of pace was just what the doctor ordered, I left Emma behind. From the day I met her she’d been my rock. That was until I let Graham get close enough to fill the void. Spending time with him the way I did back then, kept me sane when otherwise I felt like I was losing my mind. He knew everything about me and yet still stood by me. It was nice, but it’s also something that given the way I felt about him, I wasn't ready to talk about. Even with two years passing.
“Well, right now he's irrelevant. This isn't about him. I didn't kiss Graham. I kissed Ryan.”
“Right, so back to that. How was it? Is he a good kisser? Because I mean, he looks like he would be, not that I’ve ever thought about whatitwouldbeliketokisshimor—”
“Emma, breathe.” I say, cutting her off before she can go further. “You're talking so fast your words are running together. Yes, he's a good kisser, but I don't see how you can look at someone and just know that. Though, I don't really have much to go on. It was nice.”
“Well you did kiss Graham that one time.”
There it is, his name coming up again. Of course it was bound to considering he’s the only guy I experienced much of anything with since the day they let me out. That didn't mean I had to enjoy talking about it though.
About six months before I left and came here for school, I kissed Graham. I would love to say that my first kiss was the things fairy-tales are made of, but that would be the farthest thing from the truth. I kissed my best friend and he didn't know anything about the way I felt about him, or that I’d been wanting to kiss him for a while before it happened. He hadn't been expecting it, which in the end made it very anti fairy-tale.
“Can we please stop talking about Graham?” I plead adding a sigh for effect.
Right now with Graham being as far away as he is, he really had no place in the conversation. What happened with him was ages ago and there’s no sense rehashing everything now. Not when I’m already preoccupied with the other two men in my life.
“Fine. Don't talk about the only male experience you ever had before now. See if I care.”
“See if I care? Really, Ems? That’s the best you could come up with?” I ask, sticking my tongue out at her, completing the transformation from adult to child just the way she intended, causing both of us to break out in laughter.
“So what happened after he kissed you? Did things get weird?”
“I'm not exactly sure what to make of what happened after.”
I didn't want to admit it to her, but what happened after the kiss is kind of the reason I’m back in the room so soon before my next class. It happened to be one he didn't share with me and given everything that happened, escaping to my room for the remainder seemed like the smart thing to do.
As much as I think he didn't want to come across differently after the kiss, he had no control over it. It started when he pulled away, his expression pained. I’d been reading into him a lot, making assumptions and letting my paranoia get the best of me. I didn't want to do it every time something happened between us, but that expression, it threw my mind into overdrive.
I could believe that pulling away caused him pain because he didn’t want to stop, which is the positive response or it could be that he’d done something he instantly began to regret, the negative response.
I really want to believe he enjoyed it as much as I did, but my experience tells me differently. In the same way as there had been awkwardness after with Graham, it’s playing itself out all over again, this time on Ryan’s face.
Dammit.
As much as I don't want to think about Graham, it always comes back to him. Especially with the way things went today. It made me remember that day years before, the memory flooding my subconscious, forcing me to look at it, even though doing so would be painful.
We'd gotten so close. I’d finally broken down and told him about the voices in my head and though he could’ve run, he didn't. He stayed and even went so far as to look up what it might be and ways to cope so that I didn't have to suffer anymore. It made the bond between us, at least on my end, much stronger. Days spent hanging out together, either at his house or my own turned into weeks where he worked his magic and got me to leave the house. It was for movies first and then more toward the end, the occasional party. He was just that good at being my best friend. He could’ve talked me into doing something illegal and I'd have gone along with it. Such was the pull of Graham Hudson.
It was after one of these parties that I stepped out of my comfort zone for the first and last time. Way far out too, considering I didn't have the faintest idea most days how to talk to people, let alone make a move on one. I was feeling strong though and taking the risk seemed like the right thing to do.
So as he walked me home from one of his buddies’ houses one night, making sure in the Graham way that I made it home safely, I saw my chance.
Holding On To Heaven Page 27