Chapter Nineteen
Ryan
As I stand here in this dorm room, the entire time pretending to be something that I'm not, I find myself wishing for the most basic material things.
With the amount of books people have written about relationships, both romantic and platonic, there’s one book missing. A book where you admit to a girl you're beginning to feel something for that you're not exactly human. That you're in fact a half demon sent to prepare her for the dark portion of her destiny.
Yeah they definitely need to make a book about that. It would literally be a best seller. I couldn't be the only half demon guy out there with girl problems.
Oh wait, I am. Damn this sucks.
Serenity is still reacting to the news that I have something I need to tell her. Her deep hazel eyes are now wide and brighter than usual, her forehead creased in confusion. It’s obvious she’s attempting to sort out just what it is I need to tell her, but there’s no way she could know. What I’ve got to tell her will blow what’s left of her already fragile mind and it sickens me.
I tried to prepare her before by telling her who I believe Gabriel to be. I hadn't been sure myself until she said his name, but once she did, it all became crystal clear. My mission had come full circle. This was Lucifer’s plan from the start. He'd known she’s a gift from Heaven the entire time and corrupting the very entity they have put all their faith in is the perfect final act. Taking her as his bride is just an added bonus.
I know why he wants to be joined with her of course, he told me when he laid out the original plan, but things have become much more complicated since then.
He wants to use her abilities. Both the ones discovered and the ones we have yet to see manifested. It makes me wonder just how many more she held buried under the surface, waiting for the right time to appear.
I most definitely do not want to be the one telling her this. Shit, if Lucifer wants her so badly then why isn’t he the one that drops the bomb on her?
Truth is, he believes me to be of a much stronger disposition then I am. While I want to completely embrace the darkest parts of myself, becoming the true demonic entity he wants me to be, I can't do it. Looking at her standing awkwardly in front of me, beautiful, pure and all trusting, I’m conflicted.
The human side of me wants to tell her everything, take her away and protect her from the darkness that’s coming to claim her, while the demonic side couldn't wait to watch her become Lucifer’s bride and see the world and Heaven crumble under the weight of her powers.
Shit. I was screwed.
“Ryan look, if this is about what happened yesterday, you don't have to explain. I mean you kissed me. No big deal. It's okay to admit you regret it.”
“I—do—not—regret it.” I said, dragging each word out in an effort to make sure my feelings were heard clearly. If that’s what she thinks, she’s wrong. I wouldn't have kissed her at all if I didn't want to. Kissing her is definitely not a regret.
Everything else that would come from it though, I wasn't looking forward to any of that.
“You don't?”
“No. Let me spell it out for you again, just in case you missed it the first time. I do not regret kissing you.”
“Okay, well, if it’s not regret you're feeling, what exactly is it that’s making you look sick to your stomach right now?”
Here it is. The moment I've been dreading. I have to tell her the real reason for my being there. For my unease. She has to be made aware of everything and then I have to let the chips fall where they may. If they happened to land in the opposite direction of what Lucifer wanted then I have to use whatever power at my disposal to turn her back.
“Because I need to tell you things. Things you aren't exactly going to want to hear. I have to tell you the truth even though it’s going to rip both you and me apart doing it.”
“Tell me the truth about w—what?” she stammered, her hands shaking slightly.
It physically pains me to watch her reverting into herself the way she is. She’s so much stronger than this. Maybe once she realizes just how much, she can embrace it and let go of the human parts that make her react this way so frequently.
“About me. About you. About everything.” Shit I hated this.
“Ryan, what the hell are you trying to say?”
“Son of a bitch! I don't want to do this. Not to you.”
“If you don't start making sense, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. It's been a hard enough day as it is and it's barely even started.”
“What I have to say, it's going to be really hard to hear and you probably won't even believe me anyway, but please, just keep an open mind okay?”
If I really want her to keep an open mind, I’m not going about it the right way at all. Even warning before I told her anything sounded insane. If she wasn't scared of me before, she sure as hell would be now. I wasn't making any sense.
“Your abilities—” I start, choosing to begin with the things she did believe in to give her the right amount of time to adjust, “Clair audience and your ability to speak to the dead as a medium, they aren't just random things you got stuck with. There’s a reason for them and for you.”
“Yeah, I know, the purpose is to screw up my life. Same as it does yours. Ryan, what does this have to do with anything?”
“It has everything to do with this, so please just listen.”
“Fine.” she answered politely, her eyes never leaving mine as she waited for me speak again.
“You are part of a much bigger plan. You have a destiny and you were given those abilities because of it. You're not entirely human. Serenity, you're a weapon of Heaven.”
She coughed, seemingly choking on my words and I knew that now that I’d started, I couldn't go back, no matter how she reacted. She had to hear this even if she didn't want to.
“Excuse me, I'm what?”
“You're a weapon of Heaven. Energy and light. You were created to save the world and Heaven along with it.”
“Okay. Let's say I believe you, what part do you play in this? You must be something out of this world if you know this much about me.”
If she’s already beginning to question my part in it maybe it wouldn't be as hard to tell her as I thought. While she may think I’m just blowing smoke up her ass, actually questioning things means she isn't completely oblivious to her own power.
“I'm not exactly human either.”
“What are you then?”
“A demon. Well, half demon. I'm the product of a human woman choosing to sleep with a demon. I am an anomaly. By all rights I shouldn't exist but for whatever reason, Lucifer saw something in me and here I am.”
“Did you just say Lucifer? As in the devil?”
“Yes. He's the reason I'm here.”
“I will admit, you had me at first. I’m willing to believe that maybe, there’s something more going on for me to have these abilities I hate so much, but you really expect me to sit here and believe you're some half demon sent by Lucifer?”
“I don't expect you to believe anything, but yeah, that's the truth. I was sent here because you are the chosen one. You have been chosen by Lucifer himself.”
“Chosen for what exactly? What could the devil possibly want with me?”
“To be his bride.”
She laughs and my stomach lurched. She really didn't believe a word of what I was telling her. It didn't help that I hated the sound of her laughter either. This is most definitely not a joke and her laughing, is a hit to my ego.
“I was sent here to befriend you. To get close enough to you so that you trusted me. I think I accomplished that goal rather easily considering your abilities made themselves apparent rather early on in my assignment. It bonded us, the two of us sharing the same issues. The kiss when it happened only solidified it.”
There it is. The hurt.
It’s growing as she turns her eyes away from mine and looks down to the floor. I know what she�
��s thinking and as much as I want to stop her and explain otherwise, I have to keep going with the plan. As much as I want to tell her that the kiss had been more than just a ploy to bring her closer, I can't do it. Not yet.
“Which leads us to where we are now. With you being as powerful as you are, Lucifer wants you for himself. The problem is, so does Heaven. You’re theirs so that isn't surprising. You need to realize and accept what you really are Serenity so that you can join with me, and with your soon to be husband and realize your true destiny.”
“What destiny would that be exactly, Ryan? The one where I marry him? What purpose does marrying Lucifer serve?”
“He wants your power. Once you join together with him, he will be unstoppable. We already have an advantage in that my power is strong enough that I’m able to block out Heaven and all its abilities. They are aware of me to a point, but only because I allow them to be. It’s written that they be made aware of the threat against them.”
“What’s he planning on doing with this power once he gets it?”
“I'm sure if you really think about it you know the answer, but I can explain.”
She nods, her body never wavering. She keeps her eyes locked on the floor. I didn't need to see them to know that they’re probably filled with hurt and confusion. If the roles were reversed, I would probably be the same way. I was blowing her entire existence apart brick by brick.
“When Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and he created what is now known as Hell, he carried with him a dark desire for revenge against what he believed to be the very thing that had gotten him cast out. He had gone up against his father in regards to Earth and the humans that inhabited it. He believed his father had created an abomination and he spoke out vehemently against it. Shortly after he was cast out. So Lucifer wants your power, so that he can do what he believes should have been done a very long time ago.”
“He wants to end the world?”
“The world and Heaven too. There are powers that you hold inside you that even I know nothing about. He wants to use those to basically create hell on earth. He doesn't want to hide in the shadows any longer, a creature of the damned. He believes it is his time and he wants to use you to claim his rightful place, making his father and brothers pay. If he gets his way and you do join with him whether of your own volition or through some form of manipulation, he will severely disable them by taking away their greatest gift.”
“Their greatest gift being me?”
“Yes. Your light is believed to be the one thing that sets everything right again. As long as you remain pure and untainted by the darkness then things will work out the way they want. The human race will thrive. It will be rid of the violence, pain and agony that has overpowered humans for generations.”
“You've been sent here to secure my place as his bride. You want him to take my power and obliterate the human race.” she states, coming to terms with everything I'd told her and my position in the way it’s all supposed to play out.
Given what the goal had been from the beginning I know I should confirm what she is saying. I’m just not sure the answer is that cut and dry anymore. Being around her, even taking things so far as to kiss her, knowing what her destiny is. It’s changed me. Made me begin to question the very validity of what I’ve been sent to do.
Serenity is a part of the human race that Lucifer wants to destroy. Gift from Heaven or not, the fact remains she is at her very core a human being. Can I really be okay with ending it all? Ending her? After finally finding the one thing I had been praying for since I was a kid, could I really be expected to part with it even though according to Lucifer it is her true destiny?
In three days she had gotten to me and made me question what the right thing really is. I'd been fully prepared up until that point to let the world end. Meeting Serenity had affected me deeply. It’s beginning to change my perceptions on everything, the least of which is my job.
“I don't know anymore.”
“What do you mean you don't know? God, this is all so confusing!”
I share that sentiment. It’s most definitely confusing and I wish I had more answers, but I could only give her the information I had, nothing more. I’m treading close to the line as it is, I wasn't ready to go over it quite yet.
“When I found out what I am, it’s like the world stopped. Everything finally began to make sense. I’ve been an outcast my entire life, having little to no friends. The way you have Emma, I didn't have that and I still don't have it. I couldn't form a bond with anyone or anything. It wasn't the way my life was meant to be. When Lucifer came the first time I was so ready to bail out. I wanted to die. To move on from the shit life I’d been dealt. He explained his mission and it was like, in that moment I finally had purpose again.”
“I'm still confused.”
“I know, I'm trying to make sense for you I swear. Just bear with me.”
“Okay, sorry. Please continue.”
“I threw myself into the plan until it became my entire reason for existence. I spent hours working on my powers, making them stronger so that when the time came, I would be of more use to him. Like I said, I had purpose. I fully intended to go along with the plan and make this a reality. Then I was placed here, met you and something shifted. The more I learned about you, the closer I got, it became stronger. In three days my entire world has been turned upside down. I don't know what to believe in anymore.”
She looked back up at me, her eyes searching my own. I’m familiar with what she’s attempting to do because I’ve done it myself on more than one occasion. She’s searching for any sign that would prove to her I’m dishonest and true to my demonic nature.
I’m telling her the truth and given the way her face is softening, I’m secure that she knows it now too.
“So what happens now?”
“I’m at some point going to have to report back to Lucifer. One of my abilities, as I told you, can block out angels and other powers from Heaven, but it also appears to work on him as well. He has yet to find a way around it so for now he has no idea I've told you any of this and even less knowledge of my wavering feelings. I need to go and see him though, to check in.”
“What do you think will happen then?”
“I can't say for sure, but when he finds out that you have been made aware of your destiny, I believe he’s going to come to you and he will force you to choose. Though by now you have to have figured out that you really have no choice because he will do whatever is necessary until the choice has been made for you.”
“And you'll let him?”
“I don't know, Serenity. Even if I don't let him, I'm no match for him. We may have differing abilities, but I’m not sure on my own I’m strong enough to take on the King of Hell and win.”
It’s not often I’m shocked, but when she speaks again, she does just that.
“What if you didn't have to do it alone?”
Holding On To Heaven Page 34