Chapter Twenty-Two
Serenity
I’m not sure how I feel about Ryan leaving.
It isn’t because I’m scared of being alone with Gabriel because I feel more than safe with him given our history. I’m scared for Ryan. I know there’s something he’s not telling me. In doing this for me, allowing Gabriel to appear near him after spending so much time blocking him, he’s risking Lucifer finding out just how attached he's become to me. He just can’t bring himself to tell me for whatever reason.
I’ll let him hold onto it for now even though I know better. I’m not sure how I felt about him leaving the room and the comfort that comes with being safely between an angel and heaven’s most precious gift. Once he’s out with rest of the world he’ll be fair game and I won’t be able to protect him. This is where Gabriel came in. I have to get answers from him. Ones that Ryan can’t answer because he has no awareness of how the other half lives.
“I am not sure how I feel about you surrounding yourself with the very darkness that is threatening to end you, Serenity.”
”Funny thing about that. I don’t really care what you think. Ryan told me more in the last hour, then you've done in a month. If it comes down to it, I trust him a hell of a lot more than I do you.”
“Do you not see that he did that in order to gain your trust to further his objective?”
“No, Gabriel I don't. I see a guy that wants me to know the truth because he's gotten to know me and cares about me. He doesn't want me to lose my choice in this. If he really wanted to further his own agenda, don't you think he would have taken me somewhere, blocking me from you instead of letting you in?”
I had him and I think he knows it. While he might be the powerful angel, he doesn't have access to a lick of common sense. This is where being a human trumps being an angel, because I was giving him a fact he couldn't deny. Win for the human side.
“You may be right.”
“No, I am right, there’s a difference. Now I told you I needed to talk to you about something, so I'm just going to say it and then you're going to tell me everything I want to know. No more secrets. Can you deal with that?”
It’s amazing to me how easily I shifted from being the awkward girl to the strong one. Now that I know more about who I really am, it’s like the world is opened up to me. I don't have to hide away any more. I’ve never felt so strong in my life. The time for being walked on is over. It’s my turn to do the walking.
“I can see that I don't have another alternative so yes, I will agree to your terms. Given the way things have been between us, it is the least I can do.”
“When I told you that we needed your help, I meant it. We both need it and I know that you won't do it for him because an angel would never dream of joining forces with a demon, but there’s no other alternative anymore. You were right, Ryan was sent here to get close to me. His sole purpose is to get close enough so he can plant things in my mind to prepare me for what he believed to be my destiny.”
“He would not have been able to get close enough to do that if I hadn’t let you down.”
“Maybe not, but it happened. He did get close to me. In a short period of time he taught me that it’s okay to be who I am and that I’m not alone in the world. That there are others like me, with the same abilities that managed to live productive lives despite the hand they’re dealt. The part of myself that I let die years ago, in being able to get close to others, Ryan helped nurture. I find myself caring for him, Gabriel.”
“Serenity, I must know. What exactly do you mean by that? How have you come to care for him?”
This is where things are going to get tricky. I can't say with any degree of certainty exactly what it is I feel for Ryan, but I know that whatever it is, it can't be ignored. He’s more than just another friend to me. I had Emma for that and now Graham. Ryan has come to mean more.
“It doesn’t matter what I feel for him, it only matters that I do and it wasn't put there by him or imagined. Everything he’s ever told me has been the truth. He may have held back with the information he had about me and his true motivations, but he isn't the same guy he was three days ago. What motivated him before, his end game, it's changed. This is where you come in.”
“I still do not understand how I am to help him, or you.”
“Ryan doesn’t want to stick to the plan. Whatever he feels for me, it’s changed him and he wants me protected. He wants the choice that I’m being given, to be mine alone. Lucifer will not let me make the decision. If I don’t choose in his favor, he will force my hand in whatever way he can. Or at least that’s what Ryan believes. So I told him I will fight with him. Given what I've been told about myself, I believe it can help, but we can't do it alone. We need you.”
I watch as the gravity of what I’m asking sets in. His face crinkles, almost as if the mere thought of helping a demon sickens him. Ryan warned me to expect it, but seeing it, especially on an angel, an entity I would believe to be naturally good is heartbreaking.
“You are asking me to help a demon?”
“No. I know what that means for you even though I don't entirely understand it. I'm asking you to help me fight with him. If the three of us go against Lucifer we might actually be able to stop what’s going to happen. I don't have all the answers yet, but from everything that Ryan laid out, it doesn't look good. Not for Heaven, Earth or us.”
“What is their plan, Serenity?”
“Lucifer plans to make me his bride. An eternity joined to him. I have no idea what will happen to Ryan once his role in everything is complete, but I can't imagine it ends in any way other than tragic. He wants me for my power, Gabriel. Once married he will strip me of every ounce of power Heaven put inside me and he will use it to bring about hell on earth. He will destroy Heaven and anything good that remains. We will all cease to exist.”
“He told you all of this?”
“Yes. He also told me that he isn't sure he can let it happen. He can't let me go. So while you think he's inherently evil, I believe he can be redeemed.”
“Father needs to be made aware of this. If what the demon spawn says is fact, then you have learned more in a short time then we have been able to ascertain at home in centuries.”
“Then tell them. Explain it all to whoever you have to, but make sure you let them know that Ryan went against everything he was taught to believe just to tell me this. He’s risking his entire existence to keep me safe, something that you claimed to be doing all along.”
“You really do care a great deal for this demon, don't you? I did not think it was possible.”
“Didn't think what was possible?”
“I did not believe it possible for a descendant of Heaven to protect the very thing we are sworn to fight against. It is true, because I see that it has happened. You are falling in love with the demon hybrid.”
All it would take is me opening my mouth and refuting his statement. Telling him he’s crazy and that I’m not falling in love with Ryan McGregor. Such an easy thing to do, but when I should have opened my mouth I found that I couldn't. I couldn't deny that it was true. So I went with the next best thing.
“This isn't about love, Gabriel. This is about survival and doing the right thing. Helping us is the right thing and I don't want to do this without you. If what you said to me is true and you’re always with me, then please, be with me now. Fight with me.”
Trying to shake off Gabriel's statement about my feelings for Ryan, I wait impatiently for him to give me an answer. If caring for a demon and wanting to protect him is a deal breaker for the angel, then I would go it alone. I know in my heart that I can’t let the original plan go through. I could not become Lucifer's bride and more than that, I couldn't lose Ryan. While he might be evil, there’s goodness in him and I want to fight for that, even if Gabriel doesn't.
“Before I give you an answer, I think there are some things that you should know. Once I have done that, the decision of whether I help you or
not will be in your hands, because what I have to say may change your destiny entirely. Can you handle that?”
“Yes, Gabriel I can. So it’s your turn now. Tell me your truth.”
Holding On To Heaven Page 39