by Amy Brent
There weren’t any there, and I looked around the kitchen to see a door that probably led to his garage. I looked down at my bare skin and smiled as I headed towards it and opened it carefully. I had found a light switch before I stepped outside as I remembered that there were no windows on the garage door with relief. I found a fresh pack above the washer and dryer, and when I turned, I noticed two duffel bags that were dropped on the floor a bit more than halfway between me and the garbage can.
I reminded myself as a therapist that it was wrong to snoop even as I walked forward. I hated myself as I knelt down to see them partially unzipped and reached in to feel what must be picture frames and I couldn’t stop myself from pulling one out. It was Blake and a handsome dark-haired man with their arms wrapped around each other in that manly and not at all weird way. It was the way that two guys act that are very close and the kind of bond that I appreciated as I looked it over. I looked at a few more, some of them with cute younger kids as well as what were clearly Seal pictures. Once I saw the name Roger on one of them, I realized that he was the reason that Blake had been sent to see me. This was his dead friend that he was grieving over.
What were these bags doing out here? I would think he would want to display them like I did pictures of my father and Terry. I cherished those memories, and these looked like happy ones to me, memories full of love and laughter.
“What are you doing?” His voice broke into my scrutiny of his past, and I frowned for a second before I turned to face him.
“I am so sorry, but I saw these and I…I looked inside.” His face hardened as he looked at the bags with cold eyes and then back to me. “Why are these here, Blake? How come they’re not inside of the house displayed proudly? You were obviously close.” I watched as he mentally distanced himself from me
“I can’t stand the sight of his face, and I don’t want his shit,” Blake told me as I stood and stared at him. I saw the degree of pain in his eyes as I stepped forward and watched him take a deep breath as he looked me over.
“Why, Blake? There are so many pictures, two bags full.” I pressed him, and he turned and headed into the house. I followed him as I sensed that he might be ready to talk to me and carefully listened after I closed the garage door with the slam of his door. “Blake?”
He was on the couch with his head in his hands, and I approached him slowly. I knew better as a person not to rush him and even more so as a doctor dealing with emotional military issues. It was a tough job, but I loved it with every step that I took towards him. I knew that I loved him a little bit, enough to scare me.
I lowered myself onto the couch beside him as he shivered in the light from the kitchen. “Blake, baby…I’m here for you,” I murmured as I rested my hand on his shoulder. “Talk to me.”
“I had to do it. Oh God…I saw Emma today, and it killed me, but I had to…had to do what I did to him.” His voice was broken and raw, and I eased my body against him just to hold him. “He was getting worse and worse, Aspen. I tried to talk to him and tell him to take a break.” He sucked in a sob as I wrapped my arms tighter around his chest. “He refused. He didn’t want to be a failure, and he was as dedicated to working as I was before…” Blake took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes. “Before he shot the Friend in our troop. That night, Roger opened fire at our guys, and I had no choice but to take him down. It is my duty as a Seal to save my men at any cost, and I just shot him in the head. I killed my best friend.” He was openly weeping as he leaned against me and I felt my tears slide down my cheek. The pressure that he must have been dealing with and the feelings had to be so intense, and I choked back my own sob.
“There was an ambush after that. Roger let the enemy know where we were with his shot and everything happened so fast after that. I don’t even know how I survived it. We’re lucky that we only lost the number of men that we did and that the enemy was defeated.” Blake explained as a heavy feeling filled the room. “Oh, fuck. I said it. I remembered everything another way after I came to. I didn’t want to realize that I murdered my best friend who was a husband and a father. It took time for the real memories to hit me, and Aspen, I feel so awful inside.”
“Blake, it’s okay. It’s okay. I won’t tell anybody about this.” I whispered as he stilled in my arms.
“I couldn’t tell anybody. It was dark, and I didn’t think that anybody saw what happened after he fired. I didn’t want to break Emma’s heart more by knowing the truth, so I kept up the story that is in the report. Please don’t destroy her like that, Aspen. Please. I’ve already been a terrible friend to her.” Blake cried as I felt my breath hitch in my throat. “She is having a baby girl in three months. I can’t destroy her this way.”
“Oh my God,” I whispered as he clung tightly to me. “I won’t say a word, Blake. I swear to you that I never will.”
He trembled and held me tighter before I felt his arms drop away from me. I leaned back to look at him, and I saw the broken man in front of me that had come into my office, only exposed and bleeding now. His pain was free. “Get the fuck out of my house.”
“What did you say?” I asked in disbelief as he focused a steady gaze at me that held nothing but hatred.
“I want you to leave. I want to be alone.” He clearly stated in a firm shaking voice. “Get the fuck out of my house.”
“Blake, no. I want to be here for you.” I argued as he looked down my body with a cruel gaze.
“The only way you could help me is by spreading those legs open, Dr. Thomas. There is nothing more that I want from you.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks as I covered myself with my hands and ran into the bedroom to dress with shaking hands. He had just taken everything that we shared tonight and thrown it to the ground, only to break into shards of what I thought we were. He had hurt me and debased all of the feelings I thought that we had for one another.
As a therapist, I knew that he was just lashing out, and I could deal with it on that level. I could fix that.
As a woman that had crossed too many lines with my patient, I was devastated.
I left the house clutching my purse and what was left of my dignity without a backward glance as the pain clenched in my stomach and tears slipped down my cheeks.
CHAPTER 11
Blake
Everything after that night was a blur for me. I started drinking heavily on a daily basis, starting whenever I woke up and continuing until I passed out again. The reality of what I told Aspen was too much for me to bear and I just spent my days numb and drunk to get through the few hours of the day that I did see. I ate when I couldn’t deal with the hunger and just ordered a lot of take-out to make it quick so I could drink some more.
The days turned into weeks. I missed therapy and got the messages that Aspen left that pleaded with me to please call her. She told me how worried she was about me and how she needed to see me. I ignored the pleas and just drank more.
My hair was growing in, and I had a beard now. I only showered to leave the house for more alcohol. I watched too much television and didn’t work out, and I knew that I was throwing all of my hard work away subconsciously, but it didn’t matter. I felt lost to myself and everyone else, despite the phone calls from those that knew me and were aware of my absence in the world.
I had remembered the night Roger died in a certain way that soothed me for a week or so after I returned home. It was when I saw the report that Charles had filed before he died that triggered the truth, and my grief was too much to bear. As painful as that was, I couldn’t tell her in therapy what had actually happened. I couldn’t let Emma feel that pain and understand the fear that I suffered for her and the children as I watched him start to crack from the inside. I couldn’t tell my commanding officers and expect them to understand.
I regretted telling Aspen, even though my soul had needed that in the heat of the moment. I was so angry seeing her bent over the bags after worrying that she had left my bed and my life and the turn of emotions confuse
d me as I thought about that night. I felt like she snooped into my dark past and left me raw and open and I was pissed off about it.
I just drank more. I was sleeping all day long and drinking all night while occasionally ordering food to keep myself healthy enough to leave the house when I needed to.
It was some time later that I ended up bringing the bags into the house to look through. I had never gotten them into the trash like I’d planned and I dragged them into the bedroom to look through them with guilt and pain weighing heavily on my shoulders.
Emma hadn’t left a thing out of this collection. She included every picture that was ever taken of us and I remembered how happy I was. We had everything: friendship, The Navy and his family that supported us. I remembered how much I loved his children as I looked over pictures and watched them grow up all over again. I remembered everything that I had ripped away from Roger as well as Emma, but she didn’t ever need to see that crazy look in his brown eyes.
The fourth baby had been the straw that broke the camel’s back, though it was no fault of Emma or even Roger. Something just broke down inside of him as the day got closer and I was personally shocked when the stress erupted into violence. I would never know if my other men were killed by our fire or by that of the enemy but I could wonder if I caused this all to happen by not saying anything. I didn’t want him to go out of the Navy that way, and I knew he’d hate the break as much as I did right now.
A part of me hated Roger for giving me no choice in the matter than night as much as a part of me felt guilty for taking his life. I had always been told to take action to save your men, and I had followed that advice. I didn’t know if I would ever recover.
I walked over to my laptop as I left the pictured piled on my floor and took a deep breath. I clicked on my files and found the videos I had saved of us over the years. I had a collection of stuff from when we were kids as well, but all of this was recent.
I clicked on the video of him bursting out of the hospital room when his first son was born to tell all of us waiting there. I had never seen that joy on his face before, and I watched it twice as I thought back to the day he told me Emma was pregnant. I was single then, much like now without the torment I was feeling over losing Aspen. I couldn’t understand the need to have children in our line of work. It seemed so unfair to me, but when I watched the clip of me holding Bryce, a part of me melted inside. I had loved that kid at first sight.
Roger had been as excited about the other two, and they had pulled me into their clutches as well. Roger was gone a lot, but he had a system of family members to handle anything while we were gone. He was a devoted family man when we were home, and I spent countless hours there enjoying dinners and lazy afternoons by the pool.
I watched the speech I made at their wedding, so full of love and laughter that my heart cracked open. It was a beautiful day even though I felt like I was losing my buddy to another life.
The fourth baby had been when he seemed to be moody and somber, particularly while on our mission. Why hadn’t I seen the signs of his breakdown? Why hadn’t I done more?
The videos kept playing as the memories flooded my mind and I felt reduced to tears.
I walked into the kitchen for the fresh bottle of bourbon and took a long sip. I needed this night before I faced tomorrow. I needed to be numb for another few hours.
It was time to grow up and face the music.
CHAPTER 12
Aspen
I had not heard from Blake in weeks. My heart still ached even as I continued to see other patients and try to fix their lives and their issues. I called Barry to check a few times and was saddened to hear that he’d heard nothing as well. My messages sounded pathetic at times, and I knew this, but I missed him desperately. I worried about him.
I was shocked when one day Lauren called into my office. “Dr. Thomas? Blake Landon is in the waiting room and was hoping to see you today. He says that it is urgent. Can you spare the time?”
“I had a cancellation…so, yes. Send him in. Thank you.” I told her after a moment of silence. I ran a hand through my hair that was down and messy and looked at the blue dress that I wore that day.
It matched the color of his eyes.
There was a tap on the door to which I responded to come in. The knob turned, and he stepped into my office, dark and sloppy. He still looked gorgeous to me but with more of an edge, though I pushed those thoughts away.
Blake hadn’t shaved in a while, and his hair was long and tousled on his head. “Mr. Landon,” I murmured as I stared at him. “It’s been quite some time.”
“It has.” He responded as he stumbled forward and dropped into the chair in front of me. “I…I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have been drinking myself to sleep every fucking night going over everything, and I need you. I need you to help me.”
“That’s my job,” I assured him as he lifted his gaze to my face. He had circles under his eyes, and he was looking a little out of shape. Blake seemed like a man that was suffering badly inside. I still loved him somewhere inside, but I pushed that aside to be his therapist. I could put everything else behind me.
We made regular appointments again. Barry was thrilled and warned be that he would be checking in with me on a regular basis for updates.
I held steady to my promise of not telling anybody the truth. It was better, in this case, to leave it be and spare the feelings of so many people.
We started slow, but he wanted to release the demons. We began with the core loss of his friend and worked through that. There was so much pain that he felt that was taken over by the guilt that he felt. Blake rocked back and forth during some sessions and seemed like he wanted to run screaming out of my office, but I credit him for staying.
We then covered his feelings about the killing. There was so much there and with a few meetings, we started to get somewhere, and he seemed like a weight was off if his shoulders. Blake had gotten his hair cut short again and shaved, and he was looking more and more like the handsome man that I had met at the bar that night.
I knew that he would never be that man again in some way, but I liked the idea. I liked this version of Blake, and I think that he did as well.
I even threw my two cents into the conversation a time or two. I told Blake about my father and brother and the terrible loss that their deaths had been to myself and my family. I held out a picture to show him that I kept on the corner of my desk, and he stared at it as his mouth dropped open. “He was your father?”
“Excuse me?” I asked as I leaned forward and stared at him.
“Mike was my mentor. I met him when I first signed up and made the Seals, and he taught me everything that I know. I loved him as a father and…he created you.” Blake stared at me as I felt a tear slide down my cheek. “I see so much of him in you.”
“He was my hero,” I tearfully confessed as I reached for the box of Kleenex on my desk.
“Mine too. I was devastated when I found out he died. I was on a mission and couldn’t be at the service, and that killed me inside. I think I still talk to him sometimes and remember his advice that he gave to me. He essentially told me that it was okay to do what I did in the interest of my brothers, even if I didn’t save all of them.” Blake said, and I nodded. That sounded just like my dad. “I might have met you if I had been there.”
“I think we were meant to meet later,” I responded as he lifted a dark eyebrow. “I was a mess, Blake.” I watched as he stood and walked around my desk to stand before me.
“I was, too.”
“I missed you so much,” I confessed as I pushed myself out of my chair and met his eyes. He cupped my face gently as he soothed my tears with his thumbs for a moment. “I barely slept worrying about you.”
“I missed you badly.” He looked at me with watery eyes as I started to cry a little harder. “I can’t stay away from you, baby.” He kissed me with a firm press of his lips, and I threw my arms around his neck to kiss him back with a
small moan. There was nothing but our connection in this room that we should not be doing this in but I didn’t care. I pressed my body against the warmth and the muscles that I had watched from under his clothes over the weeks. We made up for lost time with every deep kiss, and I pulled away to stare into his eyes as I smiled slowly. “I need you, Blake.”
“I need you too, Aspen.” He drew his lip between his teeth. “Can you help me with something this coming weekend? I need your strength.”
“Yes. I will always be here for you.” I promised him as I kissed him again and cried out all of the pain that I had Felt missing him for the last few months. It had ripped a hole inside of my heart that reminded me of losing my father, and I laughed against his lips. “I was never supposed to fall for a military man. Ever. Not after what my family went through…but I love you, Blake.”
“I love you,” Blake told me before he kissed me again to try and take my pain away from me. He tried to fix what broke inside of me, and I wanted to let him.
We both cried as we kissed until the session was over, feeling something new between us. Something better than before.
CHAPTER 13
Blake
I released Blake from my care shortly after that but by that time we were already secretly together. It went against every grain of my fiber, but I was crazy about him. I couldn’t be without him in my life ever again.
That weekend we went to an ice cream parlor over in the next town with Emma and all of the kids. It was so bittersweet to see how they crawled all over me and how much they loved me so deeply. I knew they would always miss their dad just like I could see that Emma was, but even she was smiling and tearing up over the sight as I was. We ate huge sundaes and talked about Roger as we settled into the afternoon.
There were so many good memories to share, and I could feel Aspen’s support pouring from her eyes as she watched me focus on that instead of the horrible decision that I had been forced to make. I didn’t have a choice on that day, but I could make it up in ways like this, by honoring my promise to both Roger and Emma.