by Frost, Sosie
And I knew what she would say.
“Are you that much of an idiot?”
Sounded about right.
She tried to pick up the TV but stopped as she bent over. Her tummy wasn’t big enough to get in the way yet, but her hand brushed her stomach. She sighed. “I might have to ask you to help clean up.”
“Kiss, I’ll get it. Sit down. You’re fucking pregnant.”
“I’m fine.”
“You look tired.”
“And you look like you just threw a remote through the TV.”
I snorted. “I’ll buy a new one if I don’t get cut from the team.”
“Jack, don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true. The league is counting on it.”
I shouldn’t have paced, but sitting in the same goddamned room night after night made me crazy. The knee wouldn’t heal without moving, and I couldn’t live until I got back on the field. My legs demanded to run. My arm to throw. I couldn’t watch last season’s tapes anymore. I wanted to read a real defense.
I could handle three rushing linebackers, but this uncertainty was worse than a blitz. I had no idea what would happen to my career or how I could fix it.
Or if it could be fixed.
I might have ruined everything.
I might have already fucked myself.
“It was one pre-season game.” Leah leaned against the couch. She fanned her face and then collapsed on the cushion, dropping her purse at her feet. “Just one. The starters only played in the first quarter. If you had been there, you’d have looked just as impressive as Matt.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t. I was on the sidelines. In fucking sweats.”
“Jack—”
“He’s a fifth round draft choice. Fifth! I was first overall. I broke records. I led the team from one of the worst records in the league to the playoffs my first year. My second year got them to the championship. This was supposed to be my season.”
“It still is.”
“Bullshit. It’s not. The league is looking for a reason to kick me out. Coach Thompson gets in my face every damn day waiting until he can make the call. And Christ…” I pointed to the wrecked TV. “The media is salivating for the moment I make one tiny, fucking mistake.”
Leah folded her hands in her lap. “You know you made a lot of mistakes in the past.”
“I’ve changed!”
“It takes time to repair a reputation. You can’t flip a switch, decide you’re changed and expect everyone to accept it.” She smirked. “If that were the case, I’d be out of a job.”
“But you know I’ve changed.” I stared at her, watching as her perfect lips parted. “Don’t you?”
Those big, chocolate eyes glanced away too quickly.
Un-fucking-real.
My heart pounded so hard I blood nearly dripped from my ears. “You don’t believe that I’ve changed.”
Leah extended a hand. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t say anything.”
“We’ve only really been…” She cleared her throat. “I’ve only known the real you for a few months.”
“Yeah. For as long as you’ve been carrying my baby.”
Leah’s jaw set. “That’s not fair.”
“I was good enough to give you a child.”
“I never said you weren’t a good man.”
“You never said it out loud.” I paced, despite the pain in my knee. “The team has no faith in me. The league thinks I’m a piece of shit. What about you?”
She stalled, her hand grazing her belly and the baby. My baby. I wasn’t letting her deliberate. It wasn’t a hard question.
My voice hardened. “Tell me what you think of me.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to hear it.”
“Why?”
“Because for some goddamned reason, your opinion matters more than anyone else’s.”
Leah’s silence answered for me. She reached into her purse and pulled out a photograph—a glossy image of something in black and white, and too fuzzy to make out.
“I had a doctor’s appointment today, Jack.” She swallowed. “Remember?”
No. I didn’t remember. I should have remembered. Right? Maybe?
Oh, shit.
“What is it?” I asked.
“A sonogram.” She spoke too softly. Not like she’d offend me, but like she already told me her answer. “Everything’s good. The baby’s healthy and growing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a doctor’s appointment?”
“I did. You said you’d meet me there.”
I stared at the fuzzy lines on the photograph until they suddenly made more sense. A head. A body.
A baby.
My baby.
And I wasn’t there to see it.
“You should’ve reminded me.” My anger welled. I wanted to rage, but no way in hell was I risking a wrinkle to even the corner of the most amazing picture I ever saw in my life. “Why didn’t you remind me?”
“I did, last night in bed…” Leah crossed her arms. “But you were upset. I didn’t push it. I knew you wanted to get to the weight room this morning before the rest of the team…”
“And?”
“I didn’t think you’d be able to come.”
“No, that’s not it.” I pointed the picture at her. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Leah. You thought I wouldn’t want to come.”
“I wasn’t going to force you to choose between work and some routine appointment, not when you’re so worried about losing your position.”
“It’s not a routine appointment. It’s my baby!”
“And everything is okay. Normal. I didn’t need you there.”
“Did you even want me there?”
She answered quickly, firmly. “That’s not fair.”
I tucked the sonogram in my pocket before my shaking fingers accidentally tore the paper. “Answer the question.”
“Of course I wanted you there. God, Jack. Every time I go I’m terrified something will be wrong. I’d love for you to be there so you could hold my hand until I hear that little heartbeat. But I’m trying to make this easy on you. I have no idea how to involve you or what you expect—”
“So ask me!”
I shouldn’t have yelled at her. Holy Christ, the only person in the world who made me feel like I fucking mattered didn’t trust me with the damn baby we created.
“Do you think that little of me?” I stared at the woman who had suddenly become my world, my dream, my desire. She was more fantasy than reality. “Be honest.”
“How can you ask me that?” she whispered. “After all this, you still don’t know how I feel?”
“No,” I said. “You don’t give me a chance to find out.”
“I’ve never pushed you away.”
“You do it every day. You think I’m some fucking screw-up who can’t stay out of trouble.”
“I never said that.”
“Come on, Kiss. You doubted that I’d move heaven and earth to go to the doctor with you. Hell, you hardly believed I’d build the baby the best fucking nursery money can buy.”
Leah bit her lip. “Are you telling me you’re the type of man who could settle down? Have a family? Stay out of trouble?”
“Yes.”
“Really?” She held her arms out, voice bewildered. “You were the one who lied to the league and used a fake relationship to protect you.”
Shit. “Look—”
She wasn’t done. “You wanted to have the baby when you saw how well it worked for another quarterback.” Her voice lowered. “It isn’t about fixing your reputation, Jack. It’s about changing because you want to be a different man. Faking a relationship and having the baby fooled the media, but who are you trying to convince now?”
God, this woman. If she knew how easily she crushed me with a single question.
“Is everything between us fake?” I asked.
“I don’t know what’s between
us.”
“Yeah.” And I knew why. “Why trust me when you can believe all the scandals instead.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
My words tasted bitter. “Just once, I wish you’d forget my reputation. Judge me for the man I am, standing here, pleading with you to give me a chance.”
“Jack…”
What the hell. I interrupted her, too desperate to hear words that would never pass her lips.
“I don’t like myself much right now,” I said. “But if you did…”
Her eyes widened. I shut up before I revealed something stupid.
“Forget it.” I pulled my phone and texted Bryon. “I’m going out.”
Her shoulders slumped. “What?”
“I need to get out of here. Clear my head.”
She didn’t have the energy to fight. Her words softened, a plea. “Not with those friends, Jack.”
“What’s wrong with my friends?”
“Don’t pretend. You know what you’re doing.” She stood, her fingers steadying her on the couch. “Don’t throw everything away because you’re frustrated—”
“I just want to go out and have some fun. I need to get out of my head.”
“You aren’t going to clear your head. You’re leaving because that’s what made you happy in the past.”
“So?”
She held my stare. “Don’t get in trouble because you assume that’s all you’re good for.”
“Oh, spare me the righteousness, Kiss. For fuck’s sake—”
“I’m serious. Don’t go out with those guys tonight. It’s not worth risking a fight or being seen with a woman—”
“So what if I am?” Dangerous ground. “You afraid I’d go home with her? That I’d bang her in the bathroom? That I’ll grab as many whores as I can fit in my car—”
“That’s over the line.”
I stormed from the den, hobbling my way across the house. Leah followed, but I ignored her.
“Don’t wait up.”
Her eyes welled with tears, but her voice sharpened. “If this is how you’ve changed, you won’t have to worry about me waiting up. I won’t be here when you get back.”
The fear shredded my guts, but what did it matter? Leah said her piece. No need to tell her that the panic of her leaving me was more terrifying than if I was cut by the team and never signed again.
But if she didn’t trust me, if I couldn’t prove that I was a good man for her?
Why would I care what the rest of the world thought of me?
“I wanted to change,” I said. “For you. Because of you. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that.”
Leah reached for me. “Jack, wait—”
I slammed the door behind me.
Going out on the town wasn’t the biggest mistake I could have made.
I was an idiot for not telling Leah I was in love with her. I couldn’t handle her not loving me back.
And that hurt worse than any injury.
Chapter Twenty – Leah
I made the worst mistakes of my life.
And I knew it.
I never, ever made mistakes. I had no room in my life for them, not when every decision I made came with a list of pros and cons that tangled me in so much uncertainty I was afraid to take a step in case I made a choice that was…wrong.
I’d lived my life carefully and methodically. Now I was pregnant, carrying the child of a man who thought a kid would help him to look more like an upstanding, moral gentleman.
But the baby wasn’t a mistake. Even if he or she exhausted me, ruined my favorite foods, and caused me a bit of discomfort, I loved the baby. Jack did too. And I knew we could handle whatever complicated mess we caused if only to provide the little one with a life of love and happiness.
I didn’t follow Jack. Instead, I hid in the one room we shared. The nursery wasn’t finished, at least, not to Jack’s specifications. But the room thrilled me, so peaceful and waiting for the excitement to come. The pregnancy wasn’t how I planned it, but at least I had control over that aspect of my life.
The rest of my life?
The complication I never should have let into my heart just slammed the door and walked out. But I had no idea what I’d say if I chased and caught him.
Don’t go.
Let’s talk.
You have no idea how much you mean to me, and it scares me to admit it.
“Any of those would have worked.” I sighed, but the tightness inside me didn’t go away.
I sat in the rocking chair and held one of the dozens of stuffed animals dressed in Rivets’ gear Jack bought. We had too much stuff for the baby—furniture and gadgets, pillows and blankets, so many onesies they were multiplying into twosies. But a child only needed one thing.
Love.
And so did I.
It was time to make some decisions.
Real decisions.
Not just where I was going to sleep at night or what we would do for dinner. We hadn’t even thought of names yet. We just…existed. Together. In the moment. Stationary.
I should’ve made the first move. How many real relationships did Jack ever have? He didn’t know anything about a functional romance.
Did we even have a romance?
So far it had been nights curled together. Sex. Gentle smiles. Teasing. More sex. The occasional flirty glance and promise of more.
Sex.
Passionate, unbelievably heated love-making.
No.
What we had was real. It had to be. I wasn’t just imagining how his hands felt or the words he murmured or the way he looked at me. When Jack took me to his bed and entered me with a cock so big and powerful and loving, we became more than two people in the heat of desire.
How long could I deny that I needed him? We had a peace together. Comfort. We offered ourselves to each other and earned so much more in return.
And yet…we never took it.
It scared me. And there was a reason for it. A big reason. One that lodged in my throat every time I went to admit it.
Jack had to feel it too. God, I hoped he did.
Or I was about to make an even bigger fool out of myself.
My phone rang. I lunged at my purse to grab it, hoping it was Jack. It wasn’t. Worse, I didn’t like the sudden twinge in my tummy when I moved. I took a deep breath and let the discomfort pass.
Was that a normal pain?
I hesitated to answer the phone. Jolene didn’t have any reason to bother me, and I braced myself before I greeted her.
“Leah?” Jolene spoke in a rush, too busy to call without spilling her coffee and banging her keyboard. “Oh, Leah, I am so glad to talk to you. Do you have a minute?”
The rocking chair was comfortable enough, at least. The only real crisis was that the Rivets’ bad boy quarterback was pissed off, rogue, and determined to find trouble to prove how much he had changed. Sure. It was a great time to take a call.
“What’s up, Jolene?”
“First…how are you?”
I didn’t really want to deal with pleasantries. “Fine.”
“And…the baby?”
Now she cared about the baby? I remembered her last words to me, a chastisement for my recklessness and disregard for my own life. Apparently, I’d let Jack ruin me.
I disagreed.
But I rested my hand on my tummy, stroking the little bump. I shifted, but the weird discomfort still ached through me. I really needed to take it easy. Probably spent too much time in the heat today.
“The baby’s good,” I said. “Everything’s normal.”
“Know the gender?”
“Not yet. We wanted it to be a surprise.”
“You?” Jolene’s voice cracked. “A surprise?”
I glanced over the sunshine yellow walls and neutral green blankets and toys. “Jack’s suggestion.”
“And you went along with it?”
“Well…” I smiled. “Yeah. He thought it’d be sweet if we found out
together.”
“I can’t believe that works with your…plans.”
Oddly enough, it did. Everything about the baby made sense with Jack. “So long as he or she is healthy, that’s all we want.”
“Wow.” Jolene hesitated. “So you and Jack…?”
Wasn’t that the question of the evening? “Yes?”
“Leah, you know he isn’t the one for you.”
“Jo, stop—”
“Just listen to me. I know he’s handsome, and it’s fun, and now there’s a baby involved, but this isn’t the life you wanted. I worry about you.”
“You worried so much you fired me.”
“I want you back.”
The rocking chair went still. I nearly burst out of it. “Back?”
“At the agency. It was wrong to fire you.”
“It was probably illegal too.” Except I knew better than to challenge a PR team and a good friend to a legal dispute.
Jolene sighed. “Jack’s reputation isn’t something we can fix.”
I bit my lip. “He’s really trying to change.”
“It’s too little, too late. You want to believe he’s a different man—”
“He is.”
“Come on. To anyone else, he’s still the trouble-making womanizer skirting the law and now having illegitimate children.”
“I know what you think happened, and you’re wrong. The baby wasn’t an accident.”
“That’s even more concerning. Do you really want to abandon everything you worked so hard to achieve for Jack Carson?”
“Maybe I was working towards the wrong things?”
She snorted. “Oh, knock it off, Leah. You’re not getting married. You’re out of work. And you’re having a baby with a man you never imagined you’d be saddled with.”
“I’m not saddled with him.” In fact, I was supposed to be keeping him on a leash. It was my fault for letting that chain break. “I like my life. I can handle myself. I promise.”
“I want you to come back to work for me,” Jolene said.
“You mentioned that already.”
“I’ll give you a raise and a company car.”
I sighed. “That’s great, but you realize I only have five and half months I can work.”
“You’d get maternity leave. Come on, Leah. I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need help.”
She lowered her voice. “And when he leaves you?”