“I just need a minute.” He said as he burrowed his head farther into his knees.
I was about to respond when my father interjected. “Where exactly are we?” He looked at me with a hopeful expression.
“We’re about a day’s walk from town…unless we hurry.” I pointed towards the lines that were engraved in the ground, “it’s just south of us; we can follow that.”
He nodded and wrung his hands nervously. “Well I guess we better get going then.”
“What about him, though?” I gestured towards Kay.
Chester grabbed Kay’s arm and hauled him to his feet. “Get up, boy. You have the entire walk to sulk.” Kay pulled his arm away sharply and refused to look at either of us. “You want to be stuck out here when night falls?” My father glared at him but he continued to ignore us. Chester shrugged his shoulders and turned his attention to me. “Lead the way.”
“Alright; everyone grab a backpack and let’s get going.” I grabbed the nearest one and headed south, not waiting for either man to catch up with me; at this point, I wasn’t really needed anyway.
I heard my father’s racing steps on the ground as he came up beside me and I heard sluggish footsteps further back; Kay must have been taking up the rear. His attitude bothered me more than it should have and sent me constantly thinking. He was right; I did this to him. He may have had the chance to stay in the Outpost but I couldn’t exactly blame him for feeling guilty if he did…he didn’t have a choice once the vial was shown to him. I slowed my pace until I was walking in step with Kay.
“…I’m sorry, Kay. Maybe I…shouldn’t have rushed to conclusions. You’re right and if you didn’t want this then I had no right to force it on you.”
Kay shrugged. “What does it matter? I can’t go back to the Outpost anyway; they don’t want us there. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
My father put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Don’t blame yourself, sweetheart; you did what was right. We can’t run from our mistakes…he just needs to accept that.” I smiled at Chester and leaned into him for a brief hug. He lifted his hand away instantly and I felt him shift uncomfortably at the motion. I drew back. “I’m not really one for hugs.” He laughed in a stilted manner as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
I tried so desperately to hide the hurt I felt and I nodded meekly at him. My father had always given the best hugs in the world; how could he be so different? The choices he’s made in the wasteland couldn’t have possibly have changed him so drastically, could they? Were all decisions so powerful? We continued on for quite some time in silence; we all had a lot to think about. My stomach leapt when I saw the lights of my town come into view in the distance. This was it, the moment of truth…how would everyone react when they see us? “Looks like we’ll make it before sundown.” I mumbled to my father.
“Phew; kind of nerve wracking, isn’t it?” He wiped his brow although it wasn’t that hot out anymore; he must have been sweating bullets.
I no longer felt like talking. I grunted some kind of response at him and noticed Kay quicken his pace to walk beside my father and me, his face brighter than it had been in days. “How you holdin’ up, Kay?” I asked him, my voice sounding more sullen than I had liked.
“Maybe…it won’t be so bad.” He smirked at the lights before us.
“That’s the spirit, Kay; it could end up even better than the Outpost. You’d never know if you didn’t try.” My father smiled at him.
“I don’t see how some hick town would be better but it’ll be…interesting, I’m sure.” Kay was no longer angry, at least, and his tone of voice rung high with anticipation.
“Uh…yeah. That’ll work.” My father looked at him with narrowed eyes before shaking his head and turning his attention to me. “Thank you for all your help.”
The words felt cold. I gazed up at him and for the first time since finding the Outpost, I saw him as a strange man in a strange desert; a vagabond that I had helped somewhere along my journey. He was no longer Chester Morgansen, my father and closest friend; he was now Mr. Morgansen, a lost man that I had managed to bring home and nothing more. The feeling caused a tight fixation in my chest as I turned my attention towards the town ahead, no longer a mere speck on the horizon but close enough to see the outlines of the houses and silhouettes of people wandering the square. I had dreamed of this day for so long…and it’s nothing like how I expected. This was supposed to be a happy occasion…so why did I feel so sad?
Kay had started to smile and my father wrung his hands quickly by the time we entered town. The sky had darkened considerably since we left but a small speck of the sun was still making its own way home on the horizon. Many of the townspeople had ventured back inside their houses, but a few still remained at the square that I had spent most of my youth at. It looked just as dusty and old as I had remembered. A few of the neighbourhood boys were snickering about something, sitting precariously on the edges of the fountain as we walked past. They had to do a double-take; our familiar faces must have felt normal at first glance. They stared at us, wide-eyed with gaping mouths as I escorted the men towards my house; it felt like the best place to start our goodbyes.
I saw Rose from the corner of my eye, sleeping peacefully, and the forever empty spot beside her that her son used to reside in. The saddle he never used hung off the side of the corral like it always had and his brushes still hung loosely from pegs that were put in the ceiling of the shelter. I remembered the day I left as I gazed at it; I never would have thought I’d return here again without him. My stomach was in knots at the sight and only worsened as I reached the front door of my home. I could see shafts of light escape through the curtains in the front window, alerting me to her presence, although it was rare that my mother ever left the house in the end. I drew my hand up to the doorknob and stopped. Should I knock? It was my house and yet I felt so foreign here, like I didn’t belong. Perhaps I was merely picking up on the tension that emanated from my travelling companions, who looked around them with bitten lips and creased brows. How long, exactly, had I been in the wasteland for? Long enough to no longer feel like my mother’s daughter, apparently, as I knocked loudly on the large wooden door.
I heard a scuffle in the living room but then nothing. I knocked again and was met with another round of silence. “Mom?” I finally called out. “Mom…I’m home.” I knocked again and heard, ever so slightly, the sound of shuffled feet. “Mom…?” I called out again and turned the doorknob, opening the door ever so slowly; I still felt that it wasn’t my place to help myself inside.
I was about to peek my head inside when my mother was suddenly there, whipping the door open and staring at me in a huff. It took a moment for realization to dawn on her. I watched in mild amusement as her face contorted from an angry frown into a gasp of incredible surprise, her eyes widening as they rested on me and even more so when they gazed up at my father, who smiled so sweetly at her for a man who no longer remembered any of this. She tried to mumble out a response but all I heard was complete gibberish. Then, suddenly, her arms were wrapped around my father in the tightest hug I had ever seen. She had moved so quickly that she had almost pushed me out of the way and I staggered into the doorframe as I tried to give her space, chuckling quietly to myself. My father returned the hug but he gave me a skeptical glance, his fingers entwined with each other as he played with them nervously.
“Just talk,” I mouthed the words to him as I gestured inside the house.
“I should probably tell you what happened…” Chester said and winced as my mother burst into tears at his voice. He cast me another look as I sidestepped my way back outside.
“You two have a lot to discuss,” I replied to his glance with a smile, “in the meantime, I need to bring Kay home.”
Chester slowly shut the door behind him and I turned to look at Kay. “Your turn.” I continued to smile and he raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Even Kay, a whiny and intolerable kid I had found in the desert, could tell
that my smile was off but I no longer cared. My mother’s apparent disinterest at my homecoming was expected and I was okay with it. No, really, I’m not hurt by it; why would I be? Why should my mother’s actions affect me in the slightest? I certainly wasn’t glad to see her, regardless of the way I felt when I finally saw her face again. No; this was not only expected but welcomed.
The few stray people that were still outside merely stared at Kay and I in shock, never once running up to us to chat or yelling to one another at our arrival like I had thought they might. Funny; this night really was nothing like I had expected. I knocked on the Thomes’ door briskly, having heard a conversation inside and knowing that it would not take long to open. They wouldn’t hesitate at a knock at the door…not like my mother would; she never expected company.
Kay’s mother opened the door, her head turned as she continued her conversation with her husband somewhere in the back. “Yes…?” She started, laughing at something that was said as she finally noticed who stood before her. Her smile disappeared as she looked us both over. “You…” she stared at me. “…Kay?” her eyes watered as she took him in.
“…yes.” He squeaked out a response and shuffled on his feet, glancing at me every so often but making eye contact with no one.
“You…where have you been?” Kay’s mother touched her son on the shoulders and gently urged him inside. She burst into a large smile and suddenly gripped Kay in a bear hug, calling to her husband. “Rick!” She yelled between sobbing gasps, “you need to take a look at this!”
Kay’s father saw him from down the hallway and stopped short, dropping the dishrag that had been in his hand. Kay waved awkwardly towards him from under his mother’s firm grasp. “He-ey…” he choked out the words as he tried to casually play the whole thing off but Rick, of course, would have none of it as he rushed to his son’s side and embraced him as well, the three of them hugging each other tightly as Kay caught my eye. He swallowed hard and frowned at me through tight lips, his body becoming rigid in the onslaught of love he was receiving from people he didn’t know. I smiled shortly at him and shrugged; he must have been expecting this. He turned away from me and continued to fidget uneasily under the strength of his parents and I walked away; what happened to Kay next was none of my business anymore and it was not my place to sort out the mess.
As I had turned to walk away I was suddenly greeted by the beady stares of a handful of people. I stared at them, they stared at me…none of us really knew what to say. I was like a stranger to the townspeople and while I don’t necessarily think that they disliked me (although Kay’s disappearance didn’t help me any) they just never really got a chance to know or feel otherwise about me. My life revolved around my now possibly deceased horse, Kay the man-child, a now ruined library and a father who saw me as nothing more than a duty; I had no time for anything – or anyone – else while I was growing up.
The thoughts caused my stomach to twist yet again in anguish and I grew irritated at the piercing glances. “You’re welcome.” I said with a snark and I walked my way towards my house - but not to see my parents.
I gingerly touched the few items left in Ponika’s stall; an old harness of his, the brush I had used every day on him before we left home. Ponika never judged me and was always there…and yet I let him down. He didn’t deserve my abandonment; he didn’t deserve whatever may have happened to him. How could I have been so selfish? I was all he had in the wasteland…and he’s all I have now. I let a few stray tears fall this time since no one was around to witness it but I wouldn’t let myself become a sniveling mess over my own mistakes; crying won’t bring him back. I wiped away the bubbling tears and looked over at Rose who had awoken at my presence.
I patted my mother’s horse and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry…he’s gone and it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry…” She seemed to huff in response but still allowed me to hug her. Through heavy eyes I saw Rose’s brush lying on a shelf nearby; a brush that my father had conned out of the Pirates. All of this actually belonged to them. I shook my head at the thought and picked up the brush that lay heavy in sand that had blown through over the years. Was it really that long since my mother had used it? I decided to brush Rose down, patting her gently and letting my mind wander.
My thoughts caused my heart to ache and my stomach to knot up but I had to get it out; I could no longer ignore the nagging feelings. I must have gotten lost in the repetitive movements of the brush over Rose’s mane as I was startled by my parents leaving the house and I became acutely aware of just how dark the sky was. My parents headed towards the fountain in the centre of town, where a small gaggle of people were lolling about and I saw Kay and his family join them not long after.
I sighed. “You be good, okay?” I felt so tired as I patted Rose’s neck one last time and left the stables but it wasn’t my parents I intended to join.
CHAPTER 7
I watched the raging sandstorm in the dusty Dunes before me as I sat on its overlook and contemplated my decisions. I was selfish in a lot of things, regardless of what Chester or Nathaniel might say; at least I could admit it, I suppose. Was any of this the right thing to do? Or have I just brought more heartbreak to everyone? But then…what really would I have done otherwise? It’s just not me to stay behind and do nothing, wishing for everything I want to just fall into my lap. Even so, I still had a choice; stay behind or go find them. My decision was selfish…I never thought how others would feel about it and Ponika certainly didn’t have a say in the matter. Although I never expected them to not remember me…that was a result I was never prepared for.
Everything I did was a result of my choices. Did I choose the right ones? I suppose that could explain why Kay and Chester are so different from whom they used to be; they essentially started over and made different choices. Everyone has the potential to change and those decisions are what mould us into the people we are today. So…does that mean I can change too?
My thoughts were interrupted by footsteps behind me. “Hey,” Chester said to me, “you’re missing the party. Don’t want your father to embarrass you?” He chuckled softly.
“You don’t have to call yourself that, you know; I know it makes you uncomfortable.”
“I have to get used to it, that’s all.”
I could see him shift uneasily. “It’s not you; don’t force it. I’m twenty years old now; you don’t need to take care of me anymore. I only went looking for the both of you because I felt it was the right thing to do; that’s all.” I looked back towards the Dunes, hoping my lies would not be evident on my face.
Chester hesitated before responding. “I guess you’re right. I don’t really know how to do this whole ‘father’ thing.”
“Then don’t,” I turned to look at him briefly, “I know we’re like strangers to you; I’m not going to force a lifestyle on you that you never wanted or prepared for. Just be yourself; don’t worry about me or what the Memory Vials show.”
Chester put his hand on my shoulder. “Thank you. We can always be friends, you know; I’d enjoy that and I’ll always be around.”
I nodded. “I know.”
I watched as he returned to the party in the streets that was now underway. I saw Kay finally with a smile on his face as he sat on the edge of the fountain, a girl on either side; the same fountain we once talked about whales at and whispered of a paradise just for us. The women were grabbing at his arms and leaning in close to speak to him as I caught his eye momentarily. I immediately turned my attention back to the dusty Dunes as the sky grew ever darker. I was hoping Kay would not come to see me but of course he did.
“Hey,” he said casually, “mind if I sit?”
“Go ahead.”
He sat down beside me, close enough to be touching. “Not interested in partying?”
“Not really, no.”
He nodded slightly and there was an awkward silence between us.
“I’m sorry for, you know, freaking out at you like that.”
>
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, “I can understand your frustration. The Memory Vial felt like it was forcing choices on you, didn’t it? Like you couldn’t live the life you wanted because someone was telling you otherwise.”
“Exactly; I never asked for this.” He responded.
“I know. It took me some time to understand, but I do; I’m truly sorry, Kay.”
“It’s alright…this place isn’t so bad, you know; it’s nice to feel loved.”
“Yes, it is…”
“I still feel like a stranger in someone else’s house but I’m sure I’ll get used to it.” I said nothing as Kay glanced back to the party waiting for him. “Man, how do you guys get so much stuff? There’re no Pirates out here.”
“Our Provider.”
“Oh, right. You really have no idea who the Provider is?”
I caught myself mid-word; I was sure Nathaniel didn’t want that information known to others. “I don’t know.” I shrugged in a half-hearted manner. “A Mediator meets with the Provider and sends us things; that’s all I know.”
“Huh; interesting.”
There was another silence between us. I stared into the Dunes, becoming increasingly aware of the sparkling night sky and the large, bright moon that hung low over the vista. I could feel Kay’s skin lightly touching mine as we watched the world around us. This kind of night was annoyingly familiar.
“Well I should probably get back…” Kay had turned to look behind him, probably at beckoning women if I knew him at all. He seemed to be waiting for me to respond but when it became clear that I had nothing to say, he stood up to leave.
“OH!” He exclaimed and he started to pat down his jacket. “Wait, I knew there was a reason I wanted to talk to you.” He dug through his pockets and pulled out a small, golden ring. “I think you should have this.”
I took it gingerly in my hand. It shone brilliantly and our initials were imprinted upon it. “K. M and K.T…” I murmured.
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