by Ava Alise
Ugh. What am I doing here?
Outside of his inappropriate gazes he is a gentleman. He holds doors, offers me drinks, and is very attentive. A little over an hour goes by and I've seen everything more than once. Henry never stops talking. He tells me all about his companies, why he wanted to start in business, and even a ton about Paris.
“The city of love,” he says. “You can learn a lot if you just listen. It has its way of teaching the lessons you need.”
I'm staring at an original piece of artwork he has hanging in one of the show spaces toward the front.
“This piece is from a local artist said to be descended from our own Robert Delaunay.”
“Wow, that's amazing.”
It's an abstract painting of a woman standing in the rain. She and the umbrella she's holding is painted black and white, but the rain above is a vast array of colors.
“This is one of my favorite pieces from the artist. It's titled état d'esprit, meaning state of mind. I have it hung here as a constant reminder that our problems can act as barrier to the true beauty around us.”
I stare at the painting a little longer and wonder if there is any truth in it for me. Are my issues with Drexel due to a messed up perspective? Am I reading too much into my past and how it will affect a future with him? Am I creating my own misery or am I just falling victim to it?
“If you're interested, there is a wonderful local art show being held tomorrow evening.” I turn from the piece and look at him. I guess this is his move, and to be honest, I'm a little disappointed. Not that I'm interested, but I was completely preparing for this cocky show of power where he showed me his private fighter jet or something but instead he invites me to an art show. Well, good then, this will be easier than I thought. The smile he's holding falters briefly when I don't return one. “Oh. You and the rest of the team, of course,” he amends.
“I'll have to check with the group.” I say with a smile.
I don't plan on it. I'm annoyed with him, annoyed with myself, but I'm not sure why. His flirting isn't anything over the top, it isn't disrespectful… it just… isn't Drex. I feel as if the world comes crashing down on my chest. It's a heavy, sad feeling and I know this fight, this game with Drex will be harder than I thought. I don't want to play. I just want to survive it.
We are headed back toward the front of the building when I reach for my phone to see how much time has gone by.
“Well thank you for your time, Ms. Preston,” he says, massaging my name with his thick accent.
“Thank you for showing me around.”
I am about to text the team to see if they have an ETA, but before I do I see Drex walking through the front door. My heart freaking leaps when I see him but I look away to Henry one last time. Drex fixes a hard gaze on Henry and watches as he brings my hand to his lips.
“I will see you soon,” he says. I nod, and Drex and I head to the car.
“So, what was that?” Drex says as we slide into the backseat.
“What was what?”
He just stares at me.
“I thought it was a good opportunity to schmooze a bit.”
“Oh really?”
“Really.”
Drex tells the driver where we are headed and seconds later the car starts and he pulls onto the street.
“I didn't realize you were the jealous type.” I smile.
With a ticking jaw Drex holds me under a hard gaze. I don't look away as all my emotions flood through me. He's so damn hot when he's pissed.
“You hated it didn't you,” he says, surprising me with a sudden grin. “He hit on you and you hated every second.”
I sigh, unable to deny it. “Yes. How'd you know?”
He chuckles, looking away from me. “You'll see it soon enough.”
“Drex,” I say as my level of frustration reaches a peak. “I don't want to play this game. Do you think this is fun for me? That I'm enjoying this?”
“I know you aren't.”
“Then let's just let this go. It's hard enough.” The heaviness stays in my chest as I speak.
“Let it go?”
“Yes, let it go!” His eyes are wide as I speak, all traces of humor completely gone. “We both know what love can do, we've seen it, It's not worth ruining what we have.”
“That's just it, gorgeous, neither of us have seen what it can do because what you experienced with Liam wasn’t love… it was actually closer to the opposite.”
The driver stops in front of the hotel and we both step out. Drex mutters something to the driver in French before he pulls away. “Hate? Are you saying he hated me?”
“No.” he runs a hand over his hair. “He hated himself. He was grieving his father and I think the guilt of not being around often enough ate him up. Liam stopped coming to family dinners, birthday celebrations. He claimed he was too busy. So it wasn’t love, Kelsa. Love didn’t kill Liam, it didn’t turn him ugly and you didn’t cause it. Pain did. If either of us is to blame for this, I am more than you. He was one of my best friends and… you were just caught up in a bad situation.”
He steps toward me and the traces of pain in his eyes causes something to ache deep in my chest. I’m frozen in place as I watch his hands rise toward my cheeks, something he does often when he’s going to kiss me. He stops himself though, just as a car pulls up and an older man steps out, talking very loudly into his phone. Then Drex sighs heavily, turns, and walks into the building.
I don’t hear from Drex for the rest of the day. All of my calls are forwarded to voicemail, so that must mean his phone is off. Maybe he just needs some space, time to get his head together. I can give him that, but I’m worried. It almost seemed as if his thoughts about him feeling he’s more to blame than I am is something that he was just acknowledging himself. This whole thing is just messed up. I hate that we weren’t able to help William in the way he needed and I’m sure Drex feels the total weight of it. It’s heartbreaking.
We don’t have any other plans for the day so I spend a good hour pacing my suite in boredom before I head downstairs. The hotel has pamphlets at the front desk, so I use the information to find entertainment and nearby popular restaurants. I need something to get lost in so I can stop thinking so damn much. If there was ever a place to do that Paris would be it. I want to absorb as much as I can of this beautiful place. It’s the city of love after all, and this girl needs a lesson. If all goes well with Henry, we will be leaving here in three days, so there isn’t much time to see everything at the pace I’d like. I make a mental note to move Paris to the top of my list for vacation spots before I call and book the bus tour.
It’s a chilly day, but nothing like the bone chilling cold of New York City. I’m pretty comfortable in the business suit that I wore at the meeting earlier, so I pull on my trench coat and head out in search of food. It isn’t long before I walk up to a large gray and red building. People in large groups sit at the various umbrella picnic tables outside and even more are packed inside. Voices come from every direction, some of the conversations I understand, due to the little French I managed to pick up in college. Some people are actually speaking in English as well, and I try not to be a creep as I absorb the way the words rolls off their tongues. I’ve always thought French accents were very sexy. I order a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and take my time eating as I admire everything around me. There's a pair of young lovers in a booth near where I'm sitting. They are completely unaffected by the chaos around them. I try not to watch, but they are sort of in my direct line of sight. They're not even eating. Their smiles are permanent as they speak in whispers, completely melted into each other. I've never seen anything like it, but I recognize the feeling, and I wonder if this is how Drex and I look to other people. For some reason that idea takes over my thoughts as I watch this couple. I spend a few more minutes at the restaurant before I go for my bus tour.
I’m feeling a little more at peace when I get back to the hotel. The tour was amazing, I ate breadstick
s while viewing the Eiffel Tower and took pictures of the Grand Palais. My favorite part, though, was walking across the Pont des Arts. Apparently couples would go and declare their love for each other by attaching padlocks to this bridge. Even though it's just a bridge and it was just a bunch of padlocks, something about it stood out above all the other beautiful sights I've seen today. Those people locked their hearts together and didn't think twice about throwing away the key.
My heart is heavy as I walk the long hall back toward my hotel room. I pass Drex’s door first and almost knock, but decide against it. What good would it do? This lesson in love has me lost. If anything, watching those lovers at the restaurant, being on the bridge, made things more confusing.
Is Drex right? Is it possible William’s actions weren’t about me at all, even though he said they were? Could they have been coming from a place of loss? Pain? Depression? I ponder on that as I continue down the hall. Next I past Ronald’s room, and then Amber’s, before reaching my door. If I have this all wrong and my fear of love is stemming from a place of pain, am I making a mistake walking away from Drex?
Well.
No.
There’s still the issue of how everything went down, and whether William loved me or not, it was still my fault he ended his life. I sigh as I dig my key out of my purse. Maybe Drex is right all the way around, maybe it’s time to face all of this and move on with my life because I’m tired of feeling so lost. I slide my key into the door and unlock it. Is takes me a second to realize that all the lights in the room are on. That the TV is on, that Drex is standing right in front of me.
Drex
“Drex!” she squeals nearly dropping her purse. “What are you doing here?”
“I got your key from the desk,” I say, taking a seat on the couch. The cool cream leather sinks with my added weight. “Tried to call you, but your phone kept going to voicemail and I didn't want Amber or Ron to catch me hovering around your door.” Her hand immediately falls to her pocket. She pulls out her phone and sighs. I know it was a risky move, coming to her room, but honestly I needed to see her. I can't say I internalize my pain of losing Liam in the same way that she does, but bringing it up still hurts like hell. I don't really want to talk about it, but being with her stops me from thinking about it so much.
“Damn thing died,” she says. I watch as she drops her purse on the entryway table and pulls out of her coat.
“Where are they now? Amber and Ronald?”
“Dinner. They invited us to go.”
“Oh?” she says as she sets her phone on the wireless charging pad placed on the counter. “So, why didn't you go?”
“I took a walk to the bistro on the corner and was already eating when Ron sent the group text.”
“I see,” she says, her hazel eyes holding mine for a beat. I’m not sure if she’s going to say something or if she’s deep in thought. The silence is thick and sudden. When she doesn't say anything after she joins me on the couch, I speak up.
“What have you been up to?”
“Just seeing Paris,” she huffs. “Trying to learn something, this being the ‘city of love’ and all.”
“And did you?”
“In a way yes, but in a way no.”
I want to ask her what she was looking for, what she was trying to learn about love, but I know in this game, the lesson that she needs to learn will be better if she figures it out alone.
“My family knows everything. About the baby… and you.”
“You told them?”
“Tara did actually.”
“And?”
“And everyone was surprised, of course, but nothing I can't handle.”
She nods and watches me for awhile before asking her next question.
“How are you doing with all this? The baby? Tara? You could be a father, Drex.”
I run a hand over my head squeezing the back of my neck. “Honestly?”
“Yes. Honestly.”
“I take full responsibility for the situation, it shouldn't have happened. But this is the absolute last way I wanted to become a father.”
“What do you mean?”
“A drunken night. Bad decisions. A broken condom.” A deep crease appears between her brows. “None of that was how I planned it. My future wife should be the one to give me my first kid. I wanted that sense of pride, of unity, that our kid was made out of love, not pain.” She continues to frown and sorrow floods her eyes. “But it's ok. If it's mine, I'll love it and it will never once feel as if it wasn't wanted.”
Kelsa nods, but the sadness in her eyes remains. “God, gorgeous, I'm sorry how all this shit is playing out. Me being so connected to everything you went through, bringing it back up. All this shit with the baby.”
“I'm sorry too,” she says, bringing her gaze to mine.
Things go quiet again for a while and warmth spreads through the room as the light hum of the heater blows air through the vents.
“What you said earlier… about love, about William.”
“Yeah?”
“I spent the day thinking about it, touring the streets of the ‘city of love’ looking for a clue or some sort of clarity.” A large puff of air escapes her lips and she brushes back some fallen strands of hair from her face. I lean back on the couch and give her my full attention.
“I got so used to running away from the feeling, from anything that resembled love. Guys I'd date. When they started getting too attached I'd break it off. The idea that it could end, and end badly, never seemed worth it. But that's my struggle with you. I can't decide if the pain of losing you is worse than the pain of not having you. It's fucking exhausting.” Her eyes are full of so many things, pain, fear, uncertainty… all the shit I plan to erase from her forever. I hold her gaze as I trail my hand up her arm and to her neck, brushing the hair off her shoulder. She leans into my hand as I slide it to her cheek.
“You know this thing between us… it's not going anywhere.”
“I know,” she breathes. Her eyes shine with want, need, but along with it, frustration.
“So stop fighting it,” I say. My fingers dance along her jaw as I get lost in her hazels. “Because not having you is killing me.” She exhales a deep breath, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth.
Then she slowly leans forward and presses her lips to mine. My arms wrap around her body as she slides her hands up my back. Damn I've missed her.
The kiss is needy, hard and soft, hungry and satisfying. I press her back against the couch as it deepens. Our breathing goes ragged as we get lost in each other. She falls back on the couch and I begin to trace kisses down her neck and over her chest. Her smooth skin glides against my lips. I love how she feels, nothing is better. Our simple kiss moves from sweet to searing quickly, but it usually does with us. It's something about her that makes me crazy.
“Stop running from me, gorgeous.”
She answers me in moans as I pull her leg around my waist and press against her. I need her, all of her, in every way and I don't plan to ever let go.
“There is nothing that can tear this away from us,” I say, pressing my lips to hers again. Suddenly her eyes fly open and her body goes stiff.
“What?” I breathe. She doesn’t speak as she turns away from me. The fear in her eyes is back as she brings a hand to her forehead.
“Fuck,” she says, still looking away. I pull back, allowing her to sit up. “Why is this so hard?”
“What?”
“This… us.”
She stands running her hands through her hair. “It's not. It's actually really simple.”
“All I keep imagining is the look on your face when you find out that I'm the reason William shot himself, that if it wasn't for me it wouldn't have happened.”
I try really hard to suppress my frustration but I lose pretty quickly.
“Why do you keep saying that Kelsa? You really can't believe it's your fault.”
“If I hadn’t gone there he wouldn't have done it
.”
“No that's not…”
“He would have gotten help,” she says, “He would have been taken to the hospital.”
“Kels, we don't know—”
“Tara tried to warn me!” she yells stopping my words.
The air leaves my lungs as I watch tears well up in her eyes. “Tara called me when I was headed to his house. She told me to stay away, that I had hurt him enough.” She starts to pace the floor as tears roll from her lashes. “I told her I was going to see him to end it and I ended the call. Right as I reached his train stop she called again. Her voice was different, more excited, I should have known then she was telling the truth.” She swipes tears from her cheeks and I struggle to keep up with her frantic words. “She told me to turn around, that she got a call from him and she was worried that he could hurt me or himself. I thought she was making it up just to keep me away… so I hung up and blocked her calls.” Her face distorts and she begins sobbing so hard that I can barely understand what she says next. “Five minutes, Drex…” she chokes. “Five fucking minutes after he shot himself, Tara shows up with the police… but it was already too late.”
My words are caught in my throat and I can't seem to swallow. She's not looking at me, just crying into her palms. It feels like a boulder has dropped on my chest and it's hard to breathe, hard to think.
My head is spinning and now everything makes sense. Why she thought hearing this would change my mind about us. Fuck, it's a pretty nasty situation, but it doesn't change how I feel. If anything, I understand her a bit more. It's true that maybe if she had waited, things could have ended differently. But regardless of the what-ifs, it's not on her. Depression is an ugly disease and I hate that Liam was dealing with it in silence.
I watch her, trying to will myself to move, but the sound of my heart beating in my ears is all I can focus on. It's loud, it hurts. She crumples to the floor sobbing and watching that knocks me out of the trance. I fall to the floor wrapping my arms around her trembling body.