by AJ Summer
Ranga turns back to the window and he meows sadly. I have half a mind to go outside and fetch him out of the rain. But before I can do anything, he runs off in the other direction.
Sometimes I forget that I can't remember what happened the last time I saw Rhuine, other times the thump of the heart in my chest is so damn loud that I can't bear another excruciating beat. It's like a clock, never losing time, never beating faster, and never slowing down. It's never been the same since that night. I bet the damn thing will go on beating long after I'm worm chow.
I finally reach my room and tidy up the bed. I don't want to miss breakfast or my medication. That's one thing the staff at Green Hill is very particular about. Medication. Miss it and the whole world comes stomping down on you. So I grab my robe and mosey on down to the food hall.
Joey and the girls are already at our table and so is my tray. In the time that Joey has been here he quickly learned that this loony needs her fruit loops in the morning. And so does every other patient here. Fruit Loops is a lifeline. You have to make sure you are in line early to get a bowl of rainbow goodness otherwise its porridge for breakfast. I hate porridge.
I take my seat next to Joey and pull my tray closer. There's a bowl of fruit loops, a styrofoam cup of coffee, and three sachets of sugar on it.
“Thanks,” I say to Joey as I empty the milk jug over my cereal.
“No problem.” He grins carefully. Probably to keep everything inside his cheeks to stay inside. What is he eating? Porridge? And why is his hair wet? He sees me looking and ruffles the damp strands with his fingers. The black strands spike up into different directions. It's a good look for him. What am I thinking?
“You got ghoop? Why do you have ghoop?” I just know I have my sour face on. My head is a dangerous place right now. Joey's ass, Joey's face, Joey's hair, Joey's warm, hard chest ... I'm slipping, fast.
I look at Genevieve's bowl, she has fruit loops but Evie has her normal vanilla shake-a-ma-thingy in front of her. Even Angie has fruit loops.
“There was only one bowl left after I got mine. Joey was after me,” Genevieve pipes up.
God, she's so cheery in the morning. Her happiness hurts my brain.
“Do you want the fruit loops?” I ask curtly.
“Nah, I'm good. Otherwise I would've taken it instead of giving it to you.”
Joey has this dimple in his cheek that pops up whenever he grins. It's the cutest darn thing ever. His whole face lights up when he’s happy, and this is the cheeriest I've seen him since he's been here. It's kinda off-putting - everyone being so damn happy. I can't help but scowl, my episode from this morning just put my brain in its “happy hoping mood” again and that’s not a good place for me to be. I can’t go back to being that chick, the one who is obsessed with hoping Rhuine will show up. I need to stop it before I make myself sick again. I can’t stand their happy faces when there’s a war going on in my head. Maybe Joey was just being nice. I don't do nice. Getting me fruit loops because he was here early is one thing, but giving me the last bowl is something entirely different.
I sigh, then shuffle a spoonful of colored sin into my mouth. Might as well enjoy it now that it’s here. I'm not going to give up the ultimate breakfast after Joey declined my offer. Now this is food, this and Sarah's cherry pie. Sadly Fruit Loops don't last forever and not long after that my bowl is empty, then I'm tipping it up to my mouth so I can drink the oddly colored milk.
“Don't spill,” Joey teases when he and Genevieve pass me to go dump their trays and wait their turn at the medication line.
As if I'd spill my fruit loop sauce. Never! I finish up my milk and take a sip of the coffee, it's bitter due to the Fruit Loops. I knew I should've had it first.
I dump my tray on the counter and sidle up next to Joey and Genevieve. Evie stands next to me quietly. She looks down at her feet awkwardly. I wish I could say something to her, like don't worry Evie, it's okay to stand with us. But how stupid would that be? So I slap the thought aside. The only one missing from our group is Angie. She must've wandered off somewhere. She's the only one I can never keep track off.
Each patient in front of us gets a turn, it’s the same routine with everyone. Your meds are in the plastic cup in front of Nurse Theresa. You hold out your hand and she empties it into your palm. You have to keep your hand open and slide the meds into your mouth. There's a glass with water on the table within arm’s reach, which you can use if you need it. Then you have to open your mouth and lift your tongue. Wiggle it around a bit and when she's sure you aren't hiding three or so pills in your cheeks, you can leave.
“How are you feeling today, Joey?” Nurse Theresa asks him when he holds out his hand.
“Good.” Single answer. Straight face. No complaints. That’s just how Joey is. He tips the meds into his mouth and crushes them with his teeth. How does he do that? That has to taste like, like really friggin' bad. Yuck! Joey sticks his powder covered tongue out at Nurse Theresa and then takes a mouthful of water. He sloshes it around a bit and then goes “ah”. When he's sure she's satisfied, he starts to move off, but Nurse Theresa grabs him by the arm. He jerks back and bends down a little when he sees she's not done with him.
“How's the withdrawals? Are the pills working?” she asks in a hushed voice. Was Joey caught doing drugs? At Green Hill? How did he even do that? Joey's body jerks once more before he gives her a stiff nod. He pulls his arm from her grasp and quietly leaves the room.
I let Genevieve and Evie move ahead of me. I'm not quite ready to be wrapped in blissful serenity. It doesn't hurt so much to think about Rhuine, or what I can't remember, when I'm under the control of my happy pills. I pretty much don't feel anything then.
Genevieve is chatting happily with Nurse Theresa after she swallows her first batch but when the nurse holds out her second container she shakes her head.
“It makes me sick.”
“You have to take your pills. Or do you want the shot?”
“No. I-I'll take the pills.” Genevieve swallows her second batch and makes a big show of showing her empty mouth.
Evie's medication actually does include a shot and she sits down to take it in her arm without a flinch. And then it’s my turn. Two white tablets and one blue. Blue for the color of Rhuine's eyes. White for the walls and straight jacket they tied me in when I first arrived. I swallow them, stick out my tongue and leave.
Shower hour is uneventful. Unless you are into chicks, then I suppose you’d have something to talk about. Or if one of the girls has a meltdown but everyone is happily medicated and Nancy, the female guard on duty, is spared any drama. Genevieve chats a mile a minute to anyone who'll listen and today it's Nancy. Nancy finally persuades her to get into the shower, probably because she thinks that will shut her up. She's out of luck, Genevieve continues her happy conversation through the spray of water.
After I’m dressed I’m fully intent on going back to the bench outside to finish Rhuine’s story, but old Stan has other ideas.
“How’s the assignment going, Madi?”
I’m tempted to be snarky, but he is such a sweet old man, not even me, in my stone cold glory, can deny him a polite answer. “I think I might need an extension. There’s a lot to tell.” Especially when no one believes what you tell them, I add in my head.
Old Stan smiles at me softly and nods his head. He coughs as he turns to go back to his station. He shuffles a few feet forward and droops a little.
“Stan, is everything okay? Are you feeling okay?” I ask worriedly, hurrying the few feet toward him.
Stan is still coughing and rubbing at his chest when I come to a standstill in front of him. His old face is so pale that I take a frightful step back. He grabs hold of my shoulders when he starts to fall forward. It takes all my strength to gently lower the elderly man to the ground.
“Theresa! Nurse Theresa!” I’m not even sure she’s on duty anymore but I can’t remember the other nurse's name right now. Stan clutches at his chest and his eyes
are frightfully wide as he stares into mine. “Is it your heart? Nurse Sophia! I need help here!” I call down the hall again. Sophia that's the damn nurse’s name.
“No, I can’t breathe. My inhaler is in the office. But don’t leave me Madi. Don’t leave.”
Joey places a soft hand on my shoulder and I look at him in panic. I just knew it was Joey, the moment he was close enough to me. He has this presence around him, that stupid pull I told you about when I first saw him. And the way he smells. I can always tell when he is around. His smell calms me. It's sexy, but charming. Safe but dangerous. I know that's a lot of explanatives just for a guy's smell but I'm crazy, I can think whatever the hell I want. And I've already said that he reminds me of Rhuine. I feel like I’ve known Joey my whole life, even though it’s only actually been a couple of months. Joey on the other hand is totally neutral toward me. Like every other guy I’ve ever known.
“Can you go get the inhaler?” I ask Joey. And then to Stan, “Is it on your desk or in a drawer?”
“Desk.” Old Stan is turning blue around his mouth and is making these awful wheezing sounds. Joey runs off into the direction of the security office. I grab old Stan’s hand and bring it up to my chest. I saw this once on a movie and I hope it friggin’ works.
“Like this Stan, deep breath in, slowly out.” I demonstrate with his hand on my chest, I breathe in slowly.
My heart beats slow and steady in my chest so I move his hand lower, maybe the even rhythm will help. Stan tries to take a breath but it’s like the air around him is empty and of no use. His eyes have a wild look to them now and even though I’m freaking the heck out, my heart holds steady. I’m going to have a shit load to explain to him if he pulls through.
Joey arrives along with Nurse Sophia and two security guards. He moves in gently behind Stan and positions the old man against his chest. Joey holds the inhaler to Stan’s mouth and puffs it once. Stan’s intake is so shallow his chest hardly moves.
“Again,” Nurse Sophia and I say together. Who said movies aren’t useful for anything.
After the second puff, Stan’s breathing seems to improve. We all stay there, quiet, listening to the old man breathing until the EMT’s push a gurney up next to us. Joey moves out the way and the two guys in uniform slide the back board gently under Stan.
I’m still holding his hand when they lower the oxygen mask over his face. I hold onto it, clutching it to my chest, while they wheel him out to the ambulance. Some of the color is back in his cheeks, but he looks tired, worn out. Just before they lift the gurney into the back of the ambulance I have to let go. Stan lifts his hand, his fingers tremble slightly, and then he removes the mask from his mouth.
“That’s a very strong heart you have there, Madi.” His voice shakes on the last word.
“It was a gift from a friend.” I don't know why I say that. It's not really. My heart is a little weird, but it’s always been mine. I squeeze his hand and place it gently on his own heart before I step back and let them finally take the old man to the hospital.
Long after the ambulance has left the grounds of Green Hill, I’m still watching the road. The others have long gone inside. It’s just me and Joey now. We walk to the bench and sit down together. I guess I wasn’t paying attention because I almost end up on his lap. I scurry over and settle down a little further away. The wind picks up and whips my hair into my face. I tuck the loose strands behind my ears and place my hands on my lap.
“Why did you do it?” Joey asks. He taps his unlit cigarette on his knee.
“What? Try to save Stan? Wouldn’t you have done the same thing?” I'm a little shocked that he would ask me such a thing.
“Not that. Why did you try to kill yourself?” Oh. That.
“I didn’t. I –” I almost explain my whole messed up story to him, but honestly I’m not in the mood for him not believing me.
“That’s not what your file says.” He taps the cigarette some more.
My head jerks up. “You checked my file? Why?” He doesn’t even look apologetic about it.
“It was on Dr P’s desk when I went for my appointment the other day. I was early. Your file was there. I checked you out.” Joey pulls up his shoulder into a casual shrug.
Yeah, like that’s not creepy or a severe violation of personal rights!
“So what does my file say?” I know what it says, but I want him to tell me. I want to see his face when he realizes how crazy I am. But this is Joey, he was greeted by my crazy face, his first day at Green Hill.
“That you had a nervous breakdown on your twenty-first birthday. You disappeared and they found you naked in a corn field three days later. A week after that you slit your wrists.”
Joey eyes flick to my wrists. I don’t move them. He saw me that day, crazy, wild eye me. A few scars isn’t going to make it worse. Most of it is covered under the long sleeves of my shirt anyway.
How do I explain that what he read is mostly true, except the suicide attempt after I was committed was really just a test? A test to see if Rhuine would show up, he didn’t, and the cuts I made after that was to end my life. Then, I was ready to die.
“I was sad. I lost someone very special to me on my birthday. He just disappeared.”
It’s mostly true. I didn’t want to die at first. I wanted Rhuine to make with the magic and show up! Even though I still have happy meds in my system, there’s an undercurrent of turmoil swimming in my veins. It’s suppressed but not far enough that I don’t feel the hurt nipping at my ankles. I’m supposed to be crying, but like my heart that fails to beat faster, so my emotions also stay firmly in place. Hidden under the warm blanket of joy inducing chemicals.
“How long did you use drugs?” Since we are being personal he owes me a personal answer.
“Since I had sense.” Joey’s voice is flat.
Another gush of wind whips my hair into the air and smacks me in the eye. I look up at the sky, there's a storm brewing. The sky is dark with heavy clouds, I didn't notice anything when we came out with Stan. It doesn't look like I'm going to be able to finish my assignment out here. I pull my hoodie over my head and look back at Joey.
He flips the cigarette into his mouth and lights it with his lighter. I wonder how he gets to keep it. It is a fire risk after all. He could send us all to a fiery death with the flick of his unpredictable little fingers. Images of me and Rhuine laying naked, tangled together, the first time he stopped time, flash in my mind. It was all a little creepy and sometimes when I think back to those times, I realize I knew Rhuine wasn’t human and it didn’t even bother me. It still doesn’t. He could be a green little leprechaun and I’d still feel this way. The sadness tugs at my heart and threatens to unravel the fragile sanity holding me together. I need to think of something else or I’m going to fall back into my black hole of despair. I don't want that. I need to stay healthy so I can remember.
“Why did you rob the store? Was it the drugs?” And why a toy store? Did he have a sudden urge for a fluffy bunny toy? But I don’t ask that. I don’t want him to think I’m making fun of him. And it’s the first diversion I could think of. Keeping Joey talking. Keep my mind occupied.
“Don’t know. Can’t remember. The one minute I was smoking it up in my Mom’s basement, the next I was handcuffed to a gurney in the ambulance. The doctors said I died on the way to the hospital but they managed to revive me.” Joey sighs loudly and as an afterthought he adds, “What the fuck did I want at the Toy store?”
A crack of lightening snaps my head up and I peer nervously at the tree towering over us. I think it’s time to go inside. But Joey doesn’t seem the least bit worried about the weather. He wants to talk. So I stay.
“That sucks.” And I actually mean that he died, but he obviously doesn’t care much about that. But I also know how it feels not to remember. To not have the clarity you need to move on. Most of all, I know how it feels when people think you’re lying because you do actually remember what happened.
�
�I wasn’t even me, Madi. I could’ve hurt someone. It might have been a toy gun, but I could’ve used something else. Now everyone thinks I’m a whacked out Meth-head. I’m not crazy, I’ve never done something so stupid before. Drugs had never affected me in that way before.”
Joey shakes his head slowly from side to side. He takes a deep drag and puffs it out into smoky circles. I don’t know what to say to that, so I keep my trap shut. I sit there with the wind howling around us and the lightening tearing up the sky. I don’t have advice for Joey. Heck most of the time I don’t know how to get out of bed. Until I get my meds, then I’m fine. If I could see Rhuine, if I could get the answers about what happened that night, maybe then the heaviness in my heart will go away. Maybe then I can give Joey the advice he needs. Yeah right, like that's going to happen.
Joey eventually finishes his cigarette and moves inside without another word. I’ll have to ask him about his conversation with Nurse Theresa later. One heavy subject at a time, but right now, I really have to get this assignment done and I only have a few more hours to work on it. My appointment with Dr P. is right after shower hour tomorrow morning.