by AJ Summer
His warm hands rested on my shoulders, caressing my eager skin. Slowly he trailed his fingers down my arms. I didn't move. I didn't know if he wanted me too. He stroked his way up my arms again, slowly setting my skin on fire from his heat. His hand came to a stop around my throat and he pulled my back against his front. The move was harsh, the feeling was possessive. He was still wearing his clothes. Little drops of sweat misted my back where my skin touched him.
“Are you ready?”
As if he needed to ask. I was already trembling in anticipation. I nodded nervously.
“Turn around. I want you to see what is yours. Look at me. Just like I'm looking at what's mine. You are so beautiful.” Rhuine's voice was darker now, gruffer, and his eyes were blazing. Instead of the normal calm I found when I looked into them, I now felt nervous, excited. Impatient.
Rhuine stripped his shirt off and dropped it on the floor. His skin was tanned and smooth, and I couldn't wait to touch him. He had twin swirls, almost like the tail end of a dragon on his hip bones. It made him look dangerous. My mouth watered, anxious to taste the skin there. I couldn't wait to see the rest of his tattoo.
Rhuine unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off. Next he took off his boxers, and of course they were black silk. I couldn't help but stare. I tried not to look, but my eyes were not cooperating. They kept dancing over his body, drinking in everything about him. The way his muscles flexed and rippled as he moved, the black happy trail, leading down to...
“Come here,” he commanded and my body obeyed, ripping my eyes from the prize.
I stepped forward and he wrapped me in his strong arms. He kissed my shoulder with tender lips. He was gentle and I was impatient, eager to explore, eager to get lost in him. I wanted to be his, forever.
“After tonight, your life will never be the same.” He became quiet, like he was listening to something from far away. A growl rose in his throat and his eyes blazed brighter. Whatever he had heard, it didn't make him happy.
“Promise me you'll stay here.”
I didn't know what he meant at the time but I promised with a soft sigh when he nipped at my ear. Rhuine moved me to the bed and laid himself down on top of me. Skin on skin. I was burning up from his heat but most of all, my desire was driving me crazy. I craved his possession. His legs were resting in between mine, not moving, not rushing. Just waiting. Even though his eyes were blazing a second ago, they now looked troubled, worried.
“Madi, something is going to happen tonight, but it can be changed. You have to do what I tell you. Nothing else.” His voice was fierce and a scowl settled over his face when I didn't answer him immediately.
“Ok,” I whispered. I wasn't scared of Rhuine, but the intensity coming off him made me nervous.
“It's your friend, Melody. Something's going to happen to her. I've been watching the guy that's going to attack her for a while now, looks like he’s about to make his move. He has really shitty timing.”
“What? How?” I scrambled out from under him and stood next to the bed.
“You have to stay here, Madeleine. Promise me.” Rhuine's voice was hard. His eyes shining bright blue as we stood in the dark of my room.
“What's going to happen to her? Is she going to die?” I was crying then, clutching onto his arm.
“I'll stop it. But you need to stay here.” Rhuine's eyes stared down into mine and he pulled me closer. His voice went lower and his hard gaze softened. “We were born on the same day, twenty-one years ago. We fell from the same star. You, to spend your time on Earth. Me, to spend mine in heaven. At midnight our chance to reunite will end. We would've missed our mating day. You have to be here when I return.” Rhuine pleaded with me, all the while holding my gaze.
“What are you?” I asked again, even though I knew.
“I'm yours. I have to go now. It's already started. Please stay here.”
Rhuine turned away from me and started pulling on his pants. On his back I could finally see where the inky swirls lead to. Two arc's stood proudly on his back. One on each side. The tribal markings swirled into each other, forming a pair of beautiful black wings. I took a step forward. I wanted to touch them. The ink seemed alive, moving with his skin, shimmering in the dim light. Rhuine turned and pinned me with a last look. A look that planted my feet to the ground and demanded I stay put. And then he disappeared.
That was the last time I ever saw him.
That’s where I end my assignment for Dr P. He doesn't need to hear the rest. He wouldn't believe me anyway. I wouldn't even believe me, if I hadn't been living this life for myself. Guardian Angels? Are you for real? You must be bat shit crazy, girlfriend. I send the document to Dr P and power down my phone.
I take a clean page off my bed and walk over to the desk by the window. I switch on the small bedside lamp. My room feels kind of foreign after being away from it for almost a month.
I've barely felt the last two days since I've been back. It feels almost like a dream. Evie's songs lull me to sleep at night, Rhuine keeping me sane in my dreams, and Evie's stories keep me company during the day. I've spent most of my time on her bed, brushing her hair and listening to her talk about ballet lessons and theatre performances. I had no idea she was so talented. Evie is smiling for a change, she seems happier and that makes me feel … good. It makes me feel good that I could do that for her. Her mom should visit her more. I know Evie’s mom loves her; otherwise she would just stay away. Like my parents.
I'm glad that I know how my story ends. That I now remember what happened that night. Can I believe that Rhuine is an angel? Yes. Does that make me crazy? Maybe. But I'm already in the nut house so what does that matter?
I look out at the darkened lawn in front of Green Hill, searching for the right words. This isn't a test, if Rhuine doesn't show up and I don’t get to see him after my heart stops beating, then at least I hope he can see the letter I’m leaving for him.
I underline his name in thick black stripes. Maybe someone will find this tomorrow, or the day after that, and finally believe the crazy chick that stayed in room 105.
You left me naked and standing in my room. I should've listened to you. I should’ve stayed put. But instead, I went looking for you. When I couldn't find you, I started to panic. What if you were too late? What if Mel was already dead?
After wandering around for almost an hour, I was teary, miserable and tired. It was almost midnight and I couldn't find you.
I knew you would show up if I was in danger. You were my Guardian Angel after all. You would do that for your mate. If I knew this was the price I would pay for not listening, I would've kept you in my room and let Mel die. I'm selfish like that. I would choose you over her any day. She never cared about me. You cared. You were the only one that ever cared.
So after I put my pajamas on, I walked to the old bridge on Pike's Pier. That rinky-dink one that runs over the lagoon. It was a quick walk, maybe ten minutes or so. It was chilly out and I regretted not bringing a jacket. I started thinking of you and how warm you always were, just to keep myself from shivering. But that just made the cold worse. It seemed to sink into my skin and settle deep into my bones. Much like the dreaded feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. Something bad was going to happen. I could feel it.
I climbed onto the old brick wall and sat down to wait for you. I knew you wouldn't let me fall in. You always looked out for me, that's what you did. I was just putting myself into a dangerous position so you’d show up. You always came when I was doing something really stupid.
There was a sound in the bushes on the other side of the road. I turned around to look but it was just that crazy cat Ranga. The old wall crumbled under my weight. I tried to hold on, I really did, but my fingers were numb from the cold, they slipped and I fell in. I know I died. Somewhere in the dark water I took my final watery breath, and I said goodbye to the world. I knew that there wasn't really anyone who would miss me. There was only you. Always just you.
But I didn't stay dead.
I could hear your voice calling me. Telling me that it was okay for me to come back. I could hear you arguing with someone. Telling them that you would give me up, if I could just live. You shouted that time was running out and then there was a voice, one that sounded like soft tinkling bells, talking about three acts of kindness. That was confusing. It felt like she was talking about me. You shouted that you didn't care. That you wouldn't interfere. That you'd stay away.
What was I supposed to do? I don’t know. Did I fail? Is that why you aren't here? There was a burn in my chest and then I could feel the steady thump of my heart. When the heart in my chest would no longer beat, you gave me yours. It’s a strong heart, but it isn’t strong enough to save me.
“What are you?” I asked again.
“I'm your angel Madi, and you are my mate. I was supposed to look after you. I failed. This is the price I pay. Be strong.”
You were willing to spend your life alone so I could live. Why? If I died, wouldn't we be together? Instead, you left me in that field. I wandered around for three days, lost and out of my mind!
When the farmer's dog found me I was barefoot and half naked. The pieces of material left over from my night gown hardly covered me. Everyone assumed the worst; that I was abducted and raped. Owen spent three days in jail until I could testify that he left me safe and sound. Even after the doctor’s took a look at me, Mom still wouldn't believe me. She was so sure that someone did something horrible to me. How else would her daughter lose her mind? Certainly not over a make-believe boyfriend! So I ended up here, at Green Hill. The only place that would have me, since jail wouldn’t do, because I had no proof that I murdered you. That's what I did, I killed you. I took your heart and now you’re gone. And I can't live with that.
I know now, that I won't ever see you again. Not while I'm alive. And I know I'm not crazy, that I didn't just make you up in my mind, because sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still feel you, smell you. Hell I even see parts of you in Joey. That's how much I miss you. But I know I can't go on like this forever. Not now that I know it’s my fault that you are dead. This heart in my chest is broken. It beats perfectly, because it's yours, but it’s not whole anymore. It’s split in two and I’m sure the other half is with you. You didn’t fail me. No, I failed YOU. I'm sorry. I'm a selfish person.
Your name fits you perfectly, because even if you did try to save me from all the times I tried to ruin my life, you Rhuined me for all mankind.
I will love you, always.
Madi x
I fold the letter and hide it under my mattress. Maybe one of the cleaning ladies will find it when they empty my room for a new patient. I wonder who the lucky person will be to occupy room 105. I hope whoever it is, they’re nice to Evie. I wouldn't mind falling asleep to her singing every night. It's so much nicer than listening to her cry. Whoever gets my room, I hope Green Hill makes them better. Everyone deserves to get better.
I'm leaving today. My bags are all packed. My room is clean and tidy. Everything is in place for my departure. It looks just like the day I came to Green Hill. The bed was straight as a box. No wrinkle in sight. The floor polished so bright I could see my face in it. I've taken the few pictures down that I've put up over my one year stay at Green Hill. It was just a couple of me and Mel. One of my family, when we were still happy. Those are all in the bag at the foot of my bed. Just waiting for my parents to collect it. At least I think they'll come to get it together. Maybe this time Dad will find time in his busy schedule for me.
I sit down in my favorite corner and pull the small blade from my pocket. They’re supposed to keep these things locked up, but Peter, Sour Puss, is still learning how sneaky some of the patients can be, me included. A simple diversion tactic while he was re-stocking the toiletry cupboard was all I needed. The diversion? A hyped out Genevieve on a coffee high. Three things in Green Hill never mix: Genevieve, coffee and sugar.
I'm never leaving Green Hill, not alive. I'll never be sane enough now that I know I killed him. No one but Rhuine ever loved me. I just hope that I'm not really a whacked out nut case that made up an imaginary friend for the last twenty-one years, and that I'll meet him in the afterlife. Otherwise dying is going to suck even bigger balls than living!
I press the sharp blade against the old scaring on my wrist. The first time I did this, it was in the exact same spot, but for a different reason. Back then I was testing Rhuine, to see if he'd show up if I was in danger. When he didn't show, I just really wanted it to end. I didn't want to hurt anymore. The last part hasn't changed - I can't live without Rhuine.
I close my eyes and put more pressure on the blade. Ranga’s soft fur strokes gently on my naked legs.
“Not now, Ranga!” I hiss at the stupid cat, glaring at him with slit eyes. I push him away with my leg. But secretly, I’m happy he’s still here. I didn’t see him once in the time I was in the North Wing.
He comes back and rubs on the arm holding the blade and my lip trembles. I push at him with my elbow, but Ranga doesn’t give me his normal hiss. I lift my head at his odd behavior and my heart sinks. Ranga looks terrible. His eyes are misty and his body is covered in dirt and leaves.
“Ranga?” I whisper through the tears in my throat. Ranga tilts his head and pins me with his odd amber colored eyes. He almost seems sorry for me. Or maybe he also thinks I’m crazy. He lays his head on my leg and his eyes close.
“No, no, no,” I whisper, picking him up and lifting him onto my lap softly. If he dies here with me, my broken heart will never know an ounce of peace, even in death. I check his little orange body for injuries and when I pull my hand away from his head, my fingers tips are covered in blood. Nausea grips my stomach and my body goes cold. Ranga might be a stuck up cat, but I love him.
I lean over to check his mouth, but there's nothing. I can only see dirt on him, that's when I realize it’s my own blood and I take a shaky breath of relief. He isn't dying. Then what's the reason for his odd behavior?
Ranga stretches and rubs his little orange head against my face. For a dirty, stray cat, he smells pretty clean. He purrs softly as he continues to tickle my face with his fur. I drop the blade and wrap my arm around his warm little body. He gave me such a fright. It's my own stupid fault for thinking my blood was his. There’s something soothing about the stubborn cat finally showing me some affection. For years I've tried and he's always just hissed at me. Ranga doesn’t seem bothered by the tears falling on his head and he continues to purr in my ear. It almost feels like he’s giving me a hug, with his head snuggled into my neck.
“Maybe we should just run away? Me and you?” I don't know where the idea comes from and of course Ranga doesn’t answer me, he’s just a cat. But I don't want to lose Ranga and I don't want him to have to go through life without me. It feels like that’s what he’s doing, telling me not to end it, because he needs me.
I stare at the blade on the floor next to me, it doesn’t hold the same appeal now. Not with Ranga here. The old mangy cat has me in two minds. But what happens when the loneliness and realization slam into me again? I killed the love of my life, I can't live with that. Will Ranga's soft hugs be enough? Ranga purrs in my ear and snuggles his head into my neck as if to assure me that he’s all I need. Can I really be that strong? Can I do that for myself? Not for Ranga, not Joey and not for Rhuine. Until then I haven’t proved anything. I haven’t proven that I’m worthy of Rhuine. I haven’t proven that his death wasn’t in vain. I need to believe in myself. I can do this. I’m stronger than this. I hug Ranga to my body and pick up the blade.
“I wouldn't do that if I were you.” Ranga lifts his head from my neck.
“Shut up, you wouldn't do anything,” I respond in the same way I did six years ago.
The voice isn't real. It isn't even his voice. Ranga jumps up and disappears from my line of sight. I won't look up. With Ranga gone, the cold is back. For a second I waiver. I stare at the blade, I have to throw it away. It doesn’t have to end like this for me
. I'm stronger than this. I could live for a cat. I’m going to live for ME!
Joey pulls my hand away from my body and covers the drying trail of blood on my wrist, with his own hand. It isn't even bleeding anymore. What is Joey even doing here? And wasn't my door locked? I look around quickly but then I decide it doesn't matter anyway. He isn’t real.
“You never listen, Madeleine, and one of these days it's going to be too late.” Joey looks down at me with sadness in his brown eyes. It's the same words, but Joey isn't Rhuine. He said so himself.
“It's already too late. I killed him, I just need to leave. I’ll do better on my own.” My mind is made up. I can't stay at Green Hill. I need to leave. And I'm taking Ranga.
“You are leaving, but not the way you think. Three acts of kindness. You’re done.” Joey’s brown eyes are clear and he has a soft smile on his face as he stares down at me.