If ever Carmen suffered a pang that she would never have a daughter herself, she pushed it away. She felt she had spent enough time mourning what she couldn’t have. The three of them would spend Sundays together going for walks by the sea, Millie scooting beside them, ending up at Morocco’s Italian café in Hove for divine ice cream (Millie strawberry, Daniel chocolate fudge and Carmen pistachio). Or working on Daniel’s allotment. Allotment was not a word Carmen had ever had cause to use before. To her it conjured up retired men with Jack Russells, smoking roll-ups, growing sprouts and keeping pigeons, but apparently that was an outmoded, even stereotyped concept – allotments were happening in Brighton, full of families and couples growing their own and not a pigeon in sight. And Daniel made even planting spuds feel sexy . . . What’s more, she’d spent one afternoon watching him skateboard at one of the skate parks and found that she wanted him just as much that night. She gave him the first three episodes of her comedy, but somehow Daniel never got round to reading it – but that was okay.
She continued to be concerned about Jess, who was doing a very good job of keeping Carmen at a distance, only occasionally meeting her for lunch and rarely for a night out, still claiming to be busy with work. Carmen saw the latest George Clooney film with her, where even gorgeous George appeared not to work his magic on Jess, who seemed subdued and made a big show of ordering a Diet Coke at the bar at the art-house cinema, as if to prove she didn’t have a problem.
Will sent through another batch of worms, but this time Carmen put them straight in the bin and didn’t bother to contact him. Let sleeping worms lie. Will belonged to her past. Right now she wanted to enjoy her present.
November became December, her second least favourite month since the last two Christmases had been characterised by bitter rows with Nick. Carmen was in denial about the festive season. She’d taken to wearing her iPod on all shopping trips, playing Rufus Wainwright, who seemed to be the only singer who suffered the same exquisite agonies of desire as she did, on a loop, to drown out the noise of back-to-back playing of Christmas hits including ‘Driving Home for Christmas’. She definitely could not listen to that as it reminded her of Will. She intended to have the lowest-key ever Christmas with Marcus and Sadie in Mayfair, pigging out, drinking Baileys and watching It’s a Wonderful Life while Leo spent the day with his daughter. Daniel had already said that he and Millie were going to his sister’s and were expecting that Imogen would fly back at some point. Carmen was doing her very best not to think of the beautiful Imogen spending time with Daniel. Say he saw her again and realised that he loved her? She couldn’t bear to lose Daniel. She became determined to do everything she could to make sure that he became as obsessed with her as she was with him.
She would have to raise her game in her seduction technique, she decided one night. Because she spent practically every night round his she had fallen into the habit of dressing casually in her jeans, jumper, UGGs combo. So she decided to surprise him by wearing a sexy black dress, hold-up fishnet stockings and her highest heels. She had toyed with the idea of simply wearing her black trench mac with nothing on underneath it, very Belle de Jour, but Brighton could be extremely windy and she didn’t want to flash any unsuspecting passers-by. Plus knowing her luck she would arrive and Millie would still be up, or Violet would be there, which would kill the moment. She was just about to order a taxi, though she would pretend to Daniel that she had walked, when her mobile rang. It was Sean – a very stressed-sounding Sean.
‘Carmen, is there any way you could come and babysit Harry tonight?’ Something in his tone of voice stopped Carmen from saying that she had a hot date with a hot gardener and babysitting was definitely not on her agenda. And she was so glad she hadn’t when Sean went on, ‘I’ve got to go to the hospital; Jess has just been taken in.’ A sickening feeling of fear wiped out everything else.
‘Oh my God, Sean! What’s wrong?’
‘She was found unconscious in Pavilion Gardens. They think it’s drink-related but they don’t know for sure.’ Sean was trying to be calm but she could hear the anxiety in his voice.
‘I’ll get a taxi, I promise I’ll be with you as soon as I can.’
An ashen-faced Sean opened the door to her some fifteen minutes later. ‘I’m afraid Harry picked up the upstairs phone when the hospital rang and he heard quite a bit of the conversation, he’s really upset.’
On cue Harry appeared at the top of the stairs looking anxious. ‘Can’t I come with you, Daddy?’ he called down plaintively, his little face pinched with worry.
‘You stay here with Carmen. I’ll be back as soon as I can and I’m sure Mummy will be fine.’ He turned to Carmen. ‘I’ll call you when I know what’s going on, thanks for coming round.’ Then he was gone.
Carmen went upstairs where Harry was still standing on the landing, looking utterly forlorn. ‘So, Harry, how about we have a hot chocolate and maybe watch a bit of Dr Who? Then I’ll read you a story, and then I bet Mummy and Daddy will be back.’ Harry nodded and while he went off to track down the DVD, Carmen quickly called Daniel and filled him in.
Daniel was typically calm in his reaction, and reassuring. ‘I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope Jess is okay, I’ve thought for a while that she’s been drinking too much. And if they get back tonight, come round, it doesn’t matter how late. I miss you.’ See? No wonder she was so infatuated. Daniel was perfect boyfriend material.
While Harry seemed engrossed in the antics of the daleks, who were once more intent on extermination and world domination, (didn’t they ever learn from their past mistakes?), Carmen fretted about her friend. Just how much had she been drinking to end up unconscious? She should have been on Jess’s case more, in spite of Jess being so evasive.
An hour later there was still no news from Sean. Carmen felt tormented with worry. Say Jess had fallen and hit her head? And now had brain damage? Carmen always had an unerring ability to think the worst, but she couldn’t afford to do that right now. She had to be the calm, rational grown-up for Harry’s sake.
‘When are Mummy and Daddy coming back?’ Harry said, clearly not that distracted by the DVD after all.
‘Soon, I’m sure. Why don’t you choose a story for me to read to you?’
‘Will Mummy and Daddy be back by then?’
Damn, why had she given him that scenario? ‘I hope so.’
But even though they went up to Harry’s bedroom and Carmen read him three chapters of his favourite Horrid Henry and did all her best impressions, she could tell that Harry wasn’t listening to a word. She was running out of options and also feeling pretty freaked herself with the lack of news when Sean finally rang.
‘She’s still out of it but the doctors are convinced it’s alcohol. I’m going to stay with her until she comes round. Would it be okay if you stayed tonight? I might even need you to take Harry to school.’
‘Of course. Harry’s desperate to speak to you, though.’ Harry had practically glued himself to Carmen’s side in his urgency to talk to his dad. She handed the phone to the boy, and tactfully left the room.
A few minutes later she returned to find Harry curled up under his duvet, looking exhausted. ‘Shall I just read one more story?’
Harry nodded and Carmen picked up Horrid Henry and began reading, but by the time she had reached the end of the page he was fast asleep. Carmen on the other hand felt totally on edge, unable to settle. She phoned Daniel and told him she wouldn’t be coming over. He sounded like he was already in bed and Carmen had a longing to be there with him, to feel his warm skin next to hers. She rattled around the kitchen making herself a cup of tea, jumping when Kitty Kitty squashed her orange bulk through the cat flap and looked utterly disgusted to see Carmen in her kitchen. Her ginger tail shot up like an orange periscope as she strutted across the floor and took up position on the stairs, where she observed Carmen through the banisters with a palpable air of scorn.
‘So you don’t want any food, Kitty Kitty?’ Carmen asked, opening
a succession of cupboards in search of cat food. When she located the bag of dried food she shook some into a bowl: ‘Here, Kitty Kitty.’ Kitty Kitty stayed put. Clearly when it came to cats, Carmen did not have the touch, but that was fine with her, as she had always preferred dogs. They were loyal and wore their heart on their sleeve, not like cats, who Carmen had the feeling only ever tolerated humans, and actually thought that they were the master race.
She made up the sofa bed in the living room, borrowed a tee-shirt of Jess’s and curled up under the duvet. Sleep was out of the question, she was just too worried about her friend. There was only one thing for it – a spot of Jane Austen. She got up and wandered over to the bookshelf where she reached for Jess’s copy of Persuasion. While the whole world seemed to have gone Pride and Prejudice bonkers a few years ago, Carmen and Jess had remained loyal to their favourite Austen – the story of Anne Elliot, who suffered had a wretched family life then had a chance of happiness when she fell in love with dashing Captain Wentworth, only to see that chance ruined when her miserable family stopped her marrying him. Poor Anne lost her bloom and then had to endure the sight of Wentworth flirting outrageously with a succession of silly women.
But Anne stayed true to herself, Anne had integrity. Anne had got her bloom and her man back in the end. Carmen began reading the first chapter, but even the exquisitely polished prose of Austen could not soothe her. Instead she reached for Marie Claire. She was clearly a woman of no substance, and no integrity, but hey, if she ever lost her bloom she could just whack on more blusher – presumably a course not open to Anne Elliot. But then again, perhaps what Austen was referring to was a bloom of the soul, and no amount of blusher could make up for that.
Carmen read about the perfect Christmas party outfit – sequins were in again, blah blah blah, were they ever out? Then she turned the page to read a shocking account of the dangers of women drinking too much. There was a heartbreaking case study of a mother of three in her forties who had died from liver disease after drinking two bottles of wine a night for ten years. Great, there was no escape. She picked up Austen again, no binge-drinking women there. It wasn’t until after two that she finally fell asleep. She had a horrific nightmare that she was being smothered to death but she was powerless to move. She opened her mouth to scream and woke up to discover Kitty Kitty lying practically on her head – by opening her mouth she had just ingested a mouthful of ginger fur.
‘Uggh!’ She spat the fur out in disgust. Kitty Kitty gave her a what’s-your-problem look. Honestly! A dog would never try and sit on your head.
Blearily Carmen fumbled by the side of the bed for her watch. Buggeration! It was quarter to eight! She checked her phone and found a text from Sean saying that they wouldn’t be back until after ten but that Jess seemed okay, and so could Carmen get Harry to school and make his packed lunch?
She leaped out of bed and raced upstairs, where it took her some five minutes to rouse Harry. Then she dashed downstairs, made him toast, slammed some ham between two pieces of bread, grabbed a Penguin biscuit and an apple and shoved then in the Dr Who lunch box. Took the toast up to Harry in bed, raced to the bathroom. There was no time to shower, so she just borrowed some of Jess’s Clarins face wash and cleaned her teeth with her finger. And then it dawned on her that she would have to walk Harry to school wearing her seduction outfit from last night, including the heels, which were supposed to say f*** me and were now most likely to say ‘ouch’. The trouble was, Jess’s feet were a size six and Carmen’s were a four and a half – there was no way she could walk in Jess’s shoes. There was nothing for it, she was going to have to look like a ho touting for business on the school run.
As Sod’s Law would have it, outside was blowing a gale. As soon as Carmen and Harry started out, a strong gust of wind whisked up Carmen’s flimsy skirt, causing her to reveal her stockings and lacy French knickers to the family behind them. Though the indecent exposure had one advantage of making Harry laugh, and Carmen reflected that helping him lose his old-man worried expression was worth any transient humiliation. There were two further knicker-flashing incidents before they reached their destination – well, at least she was wearing some – and Carmen’s feet were indeed killing her. Once they were in the playground Harry shot off with his friends, while Carmen folded her arms and hopped from one poor blistered foot to the other to keep warm. She was relieved when she saw Daniel and he came over, just as she was having a flashback to childhood and remembering how busy playgrounds can seem like the loneliest places in the world when you are on your own.
‘Hey,’ he leaned in and kissed her. ‘What’s the news?’ As Carmen filled him in she was again aware of other mothers eyeballing them.
She could feel tears prickling her eyes. ‘So I really hope Jess is going to be okay. I should have made her do something about it. What kind of useless friend am I?’
Daniel draped his arm round her shoulder, ‘It’s not about you and what you did or didn’t do, though I’m sure you’ve always been a good friend – it’s about her and her addiction. Only she can do something about it.’
Hearing Daniel say those words out loud made Carmen feel even worse. Just then the whistle went, and it was the usual frantic scramble as kids got into their lines and Carmen tracked down Harry. She could tell he was trying with all his seven-year-old might to put a brave face on things but his little chin wobbled when she said goodbye. ‘Daddy will pick you up later. Have a great day and don’t worry about Mummy, I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
Harry nodded and Carmen moved to the side to watch his line file into school. Harry’s shoulders were hunched up in an effort not to cry.
Carmen looked for Daniel but he was surrounded by a gaggle of women, Talk about bees round a honey pot, she thought, walking slowly out of the gates. And then, as she did a survey of the dads trooping out of the playground with her, she reckoned that she would have been one of the bees. The other dads were a motley crew compared to Daniel. They were either wearing clothes so nondescript they made no impression whatsoever, or they were making way too much effort in clothes that would have better suited a teenager – she counted several pairs of low-slung jeans with the pants out, which might have been forgivable in a sixteen-year-old, but on a thirty-something was nothing short of a fashion outrage. There was bizarre facial topiary, plenty of long hair, some multiple piercings of ears and noses, and some of the dads looked like they needed a good bath. It was a no-brainer that Daniel had so many admirers. Seeing him in the midst of such examples of manhood was akin to seeing the sun rise when you’d been living in the Arctic Circle for three months in total darkness. Finally Daniel managed to extricate himself from the women and head over to Carmen.
‘So I meant to say, that’s quite an outfit you’re wearing for the school run. Really, why don’t more women make the effort.’ Daniel grinned at her.
‘I didn’t know I was going to be doing the school run when I put it on last night, if you remember!’ Carmen exclaimed.
‘So it was all for me?’
‘I guess so.’
Daniel looked at his watch. ‘I’ve got forty minutes before I need to start. You could come back to mine and the outfit won’t have been wasted.’
Carmen’s eyes were scratchy with lack of sleep, she felt consumed with worry about Jess, and actually the last thing on her mind right now was a shag with Daniel, however gorgeous he was. She couldn’t help thinking that it was slightly insensitive of him, but maybe she was feeling oversensitive.
‘How about tonight? I’m expecting a call from Sean and I’d like to see Jess if possible.’
Daniel’s face fell. ‘I’ve got the book club at my house tonight and I can’t get out of it.’
Carmen did a double take. ‘You’ve got a book club? I can’t imagine a group of men sitting round each other’s houses discussing fiction!’
Daniel looked slightly embarrassed. ‘Actually, I’m the only man. I just needed to do something when Imogen left me and I’ve n
ever been one for going out to the pub with the lads, and so Violet suggested I join their book club.’
I bet she did! Carmen thought, giving Violet full marks for resourcefulness. Hell, she probably started up the book club just so she could get Daniel to come and I bet it wasn’t anything to do with Violet wanting to share her love of great works of literature with him.
‘But why don’t you come along?’ Daniel went on. ‘We’re doing Atonement.’
Carmen hesitated. She had read Atonement and seen the film; she could think of something to say, couldn’t she? So when she agreed, it had nothing to do with wanting to police the other women, did it? And catching a glimpse of Violet, Carmen gave Daniel a smouldering kiss on the lips, even raising one stocking-clad leg coquettishly behind her.
Back home she quickly showered and changed, anxious not to miss any call from Sean. By eleven she had heard nothing and felt compelled to phone him. He was apologetic not to have rung, but they’d only just arrived home. Carmen was all set to bombard him with questions but he said, ‘Why don’t you speak to Jess?’
Her friend was uncharacteristically subdued. ‘I’ve just got a terrible headache. Thanks so much for looking after Harry,’ she said quietly.
‘Shall I come round and see you?’ Carmen asked.
‘Yeah that would be great – Sean’s got a meeting and he’s probably sick of the sight of me after sitting up with me all night.’
It was still windy as Carmen walked to her friend’s house. The sea was being whipped up into a frenzy, frothing and foaming like a gigantic coffee machine. She wondered what she should say to Jess. Probably best to listen, she reflected, and let Jess do the talking. Or ranting, she discovered some twenty minutes later. She had expected a repentant Jess, but what she got was angry Jess.
‘I mean, fucking hell!’ Jess exclaimed as she aggressively spooned coffee into a cafetiere and managed to spill most of it on the kitchen surface. ‘I don’t know why Sean made such a big deal! I had a few drinks and fell down, but I’m fine. It could have happened to anyone.’
A Funny Thing About Love Page 21