The train was packed with people travelling home for Christmas. Everyone was in good spirits. Carmen tried to share in it; it was after all a novelty to be on a train where people actually looked happy. Her usual experience of train travel was that every man and woman wanted to be an island, reading their papers, working on their laptops, drinking coffee or clipping their fingernails, and pretending that no one else was in the carriage with them.
She was lost in thought when her mobile rang. It was Sean. ‘I just needed to let you know that Jess went to a clinic in Hertfordshire this morning. She especially wanted me to say sorry to you. It will be a while before she can have any visitors except me and I know she feels terrible about the things she said to you. She didn’t mean them, Carmen.’ The sweet relief of hearing that. Carmen now had a smile to match anyone’s in the carriage.
‘Tell her it’s forgiven and forgotten; all I want is for her to get better. And send her all my love, Sean.’
They talked briefly about Jess’s treatment. She would have to spend a month in rehab, with a week drying out and then intensive therapy following the twelve-step programme. Carmen knew that Jess was at the beginning of what would be a long and difficult road to recovery, but at last her friend was on it. As they ended the call and Carmen looked out at fields white and brittle with frost, she reflected that one of her wishes from the Burning of the Clocks had come true.
Victoria Station was heaving. The station forecourt was adorned with a very large Christmas tree, decorated with blue and silver lights, actually quite tasteful, and a Salvation Army band was singing ‘Oh Little Town of Bethlehem’. Now it just needed to be snowing and it would be a perfect Richard Curtis film set. Mind you, Carmen thought, as she struggled towards the exit with her suitcase, a character from one of his films would not be getting the number 38 bus, but she had blown December’s budget on presents and so could not get a taxi.
‘So, champagne or some kind of festive punch which Sadie has concocted, which believe me has one hell of a kick?’ Marcus demanded as soon as he opened the door to her. ‘Let the festivities for the dysfunctional family begin!’ Carmen was too excited about Daniel’s saying he loved her and Jess’s news to notice that Marcus looked exhausted.
‘Both! I have to celebrate,’ Carmen said, whirling into the flat, hugging Marcus and Sadie in succession. At last she was going to have a Christmas where she could be happy and not weighed down with the blues, where she would be drinking out of joy and not to escape.
Marcus and Sadie looked at her expectantly.
‘Daniel said he loved me and Jess is going into rehab!’
‘A declaration of love from skater boy, well, well,’ Marcus said, handing her two glasses. Carmen was too excited to consider the possible irony that she was toasting Jess going into rehab by drinking to excess. She took a sip of punch, so strong that it nearly blew her head off, followed by a sip of bubbles to redress the balance.
Marcus carried on, ‘I thought he would be the kind who would never give it up. Who said it first?’
‘He did,’ Carmen replied. ‘And I even told him about not being able to have children. Don’t you think that’s brilliant?’ She flashed a hundred-megawatt smile worthy of Julia Roberts.
‘It’s fabulous,’ Sadie replied, giving Carmen another hug. She looked meaningfully at Marcus. ‘Isn’t it, Marcus?’
‘If that’s what you want, Carmen, then I’m happy for you.’ Marcus didn’t look happy.
Why was he raining on her parade? The hundred-megawatt smile disappeared from Carmen’s face.
‘I think it’s early days and don’t want you to get hurt, is all. You have only just met the man. No other reason. Now come on, it’s Christmas Eve. And I’ve got an announcement of my own. You are looking at the man behind Neon Tiger, which is going to be half TV production company, half agency. Will is going to join as executive producer. And one of our first pitches is going to be a comedy drama by an up-and-coming writer, who we just happen to think has a hit on her hands. Yes, I mean you, Carmen! So you’d better pull your lovestruck finger out, because after Christmas you have a month to finish. And then I want you to help me set up the company, maybe even be a shareholder.’
So Will was taking the plunge even with a baby on the way. He must be confident. Carmen could not allow thoughts of Will’s impending fatherhood to take her on a downer, so she threw herself into celebrating with Marcus and Sadie. They drank champagne, pigged out on lovely food from M&S as none of them was gifted with culinary skills, and watched their favourite films for the festive season: Some Like it Hot (Carmen), The Wizard of Oz (Sadie), It’s a Wonderful Life (Marcus). Everything was bathed in a happy glow, just like being in a Richard Curtis film after all. She had her lovely friends, she had a lovely boyfriend who loved her and told her again on Christmas morning when she called him, and she had the promise of a new career.
‘This has been the best Christmas ever,’ she said to her friends as she and Sadie ended Christmas Day eating crackers and Stilton, possibly a little too much Stilton, but hey, it was Christmas.
‘What time’s Leo getting back tomorrow?’ she continued.
‘He’s not.’ Marcus was not partaking of the cheese fest. He sat next to her on the sofa, arms folded.
‘I thought he was due back on Boxing Day?’
‘He’s not coming back.’
Surely he couldn’t mean that? Marcus and Leo were the perfect couple – well, of course Marcus hardly saw Leo because of his work, but she knew how much Marcus loved him. He was the love of his life, he was always saying.
‘He’s left me.’ A pause. ‘For his personal trainer, Darius. Apparently all those early mornings and late nights when I thought he was slaving over the Dow Jones he was shagging Darius.’
‘Oh my God, Marcus, I’m so sorry.’ She looked across at Sadie, who seemed as shocked as she was. ‘You should have said, I’ve gone on and on about Daniel.’
‘I didn’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone. Anyway, fuck him, he’s made his choice. I hope he’ll be very happy with his pea-brained fuck buddy. It’s funny, because on New Year’s Eve I was going to ask him to marry me. I’d even bought the ring from Tiffany’s – what a fucking idiot! How could I have got it so spectacularly wrong?’ Everything about Marcus radiated hurt and betrayal. He stood up abruptly. ‘D’you mind if I go to bed? I’ve got the most appalling headache.’
Carmen wanted to put her arms round Marcus, tell him everything was going to be alright, just as he had done for her, many, many times, over the years. But she knew her friend, knew he wouldn’t allow it. She waited until she heard his bedroom door click shut. ‘You didn’t know, did you, Sadie?’
‘I had absolutely no idea. Poor Marcus. He’s devastated, but you know he won’t show it. Well, he might to you, but no one else.’
Carmen hardly slept that night. She lay awake bathed in the orange glow of possibly one of the poshest street lamps in London, thinking of Marcus and wondering how she could possibly help her friend. How she wished she could make things better, as if things like this could be made better.
In the morning Sadie left early to visit her gran in Egham; Carmen had also intended to leave on Boxing Day as she was due to spend the day with Daniel and Millie, but once she’d packed, she realised that she couldn’t leave her friend.
Millie answered the phone when Carmen rang. ‘I got my wish, I got my wish!’ she squealed, almost unintelligible with excitement.
‘So Father Christmas did bring the High School Musical karaoke set?’ Carmen replied, secretly pleased that Millie liked the present that she’d persuaded Daniel to buy.
‘No, not that! Mummy has come back! And she says she’s going to stay! Thank you for giving me your lantern, Carmen; it’s all because of you that I got my wish!’
Carmen suddenly had a horrible sick feeling that she knew could not be blamed on the Stilton. ‘I’m so pleased for you, Millie, but can I speak to your daddy now?’
The way Millie
described things, it sounded as if Imogen was back at the house, but that surely couldn’t be, could it? The little girl must simply mean that her mummy was visiting. Daniel came on the phone. ‘So you’ve heard the news? I imagine half of Brighton has – Millie has been beside herself.’ Even Daniel sounded more animated than usual.
‘So can you tell me what’s going on?’ Carmen asked, aware that her voice sounded brittle.
‘Christmas Day night we’re just back from my sister and there’s a knock at the door, and there’s Imogen. Oh God, Carmen, I wish you could have seen Millie’s face.’ Perhaps not the most sensitive of comments under the circumstances, but Daniel probably wasn’t thinking straight.
‘And is she just back for Christmas or is it more permanent?’ Was it wrong of Carmen to fervently hope that the beautiful one was on a flying visit and very soon would be returning to the land of the free?
A pause. This was not looking good.
‘I think she’s planning to stay.’
‘I imagine she still has plenty of friends in Brighton she could stay with?’ But Carmen had a nasty suspicion that she knew where Imogen would be staying.
‘Not so many now, Carmen. She left the States in a bit of a rush. She’s split with her boyfriend and it’s all a bit stressful because she’s pregnant. I’ve said she can stay with us for the time being, until she gets herself sorted.’ Daniel was talking quickly, guiltily, as if he knew that what he was saying would cause pain.
‘She’s staying with you?’ Carmen felt the need for clarification.
‘Just for a few weeks or so. It really won’t affect us. She can have the attic room.’
His not-even-ex-wife was moving back into the house and he didn’t think it would affect them? Carmen suddenly felt as if the last few weeks with Daniel had been as unsubstantial as a dream. ‘Please don’t say that, you know it will affect us,’ she said quietly.
Daniel’s tone turned defensive. ‘Look, what can I say? I’m sorry, but she’s Millie’s mum and I can’t see her out on the streets, can I?’
‘So it’s nothing more than you thinking of her as Millie’s mum, and it’s not anything more than that?’
‘It’s nothing more than that, I swear. I love you; Imogen turning up out of the blue doesn’t change that.’
But Daniel’s I love you sounded like a man trying to convince himself, and Carmen could still not bring herself to say it back. How funny that both she and Millie had got their wishes. But she had the strongest feeling that Millie’s wish would be the undoing of her and Daniel.
Marcus finally emerged from his bedroom to find Carmen sitting on the sofa. She hadn’t moved since her conversation with Daniel.
‘You know when I said that this was the best Christmas ever?’ she said numbly. ‘Can I just rephrase? I think it’s the worst. First Leo, and I’ve just found out that Imogen has moved back in with Daniel and Millie. She’s pregnant, by the way. Is it just me, or is everyone pregnant?’
Marcus sat down next to her and put his arm round her.
‘He told me he loved me,’ Carmen said.
‘Leo told me he loved me.’
Marcus didn’t say it, but Carmen knew that he thought she should get out of her relationship with Daniel right now.
18
Carmen didn’t meet up with Daniel until the day before New Year’s Eve. She told herself that she hadn’t wanted to leave Marcus, who was doing his best to act as if Leo’s departure was no more than an inconvenience, an act which Carmen didn’t buy for a second, but also she was putting off confronting the Imogen situation. She supposed that had she been younger or could have children, she might have hotfooted it to Brighton as soon as she heard about Imogen, to lay claim to Daniel. But she had no energy for a fight.
Daniel opened the door to her when she finally went round in the early evening. For a moment they stood there – her on the doorstep, him inside the house – and it seemed to Carmen as if she was the outsider, looking in at a life that would never be hers.
‘Hi, good to see you, Carmen, come in.’ Daniel kissed her on the lips, but it felt like the kiss of a stranger; Carmen waited for the kiss to become more passionate, for Daniel to take her in his arms. They hadn’t seen each other for a week, the longest time they had been apart in their relationship, but Daniel simply said, ‘Everyone’s downstairs.’
Carmen followed him along the hall. Imogen had draped her coat over the banisters and left a pair of boots lying by the bathroom as if marking her territory once more in her home. The house even smelt different; she was sure she could detect a woman’s perfume, a strong, sweet fragrance, slightly overpowering. Millie and Imogen were sitting on the sofa by the fire. Millie was reading to Imogen from Roald Dahl’s Danny the Champion of the World – a book which she and Carmen had been reading together only two weeks earlier.
Mother and daughter turned to look at Carmen when she walked into the room. She had never realised that Millie’s eyes were the exact blue of her mother’s.
‘Imogen, this is Carmen who I told you about,’ Daniel said. He seemed awkward, not his usual laid-back self. So she wasn’t even going to be introduced as his girlfriend?
‘Hi, nice to meet you,’ Imogen said, reaching out her hand in a gesture which seemed to say, I’m the lady of the house. ‘I would get up but as you can see,’ she gestured at her bump, ‘it’s easier if I sit.’ She was probably around six months pregnant by Carmen’s reckoning and was wearing a khaki-coloured wrap dress that would have made anyone else look dreary but on Imogen simply made her look like a pregnant supermodel.
Carmen shook the beautiful one’s hand. Pregnancy had made Imogen’s beauty even more radiant, her skin looked glowing, her eyes were bright, her blonde hair seemed to shimmer in the firelight. Carmen tried to cheer herself up by imagining that the shimmering was down to extensive and expensive highlights and that really Imogen had mouse-brown hair. And then there was something to cheer Carmen as she happened to catch sight of Imogen’s feet. The beautiful one was wearing chocolate-brown Crocs lined with sheepskin. How ever, she had a feeling the cheer would be short-lived.
Carmen sat down in the armchair and Daniel handed her a glass of red wine and remained standing. And now Carmen noticed that Daniel was wearing Crocs as well – of the navy sheepskinned variety. She gave him a WTF look and pointed at the Crocs.
He looked at her blankly, then registered, ‘Oh yeah, they were a present from Imogen.’
Carmen wanted to say that the Crocs were an outrage and what was he thinking, but Daniel turned away from her to ask Imogen if she wanted a glass of wine.
‘I’d better not, Dan, but could I have a pink grapefruit juice? Thanks.’ Her voice was low, with a slight Californian drawl. ‘I’ve got the same cravings for it that I had with Millie. God, d’you remember, Dan? You had to go out and buy up all the supplies from the 24-hour Tesco’s.’
‘I certainly do. And I remember your craving for vegetable juice. But not just any old vegetable juice – it had to be V8, didn’t it? And that was a bugger to find.’ The two of them were on a cosy walk down memory lane in their Crocs and Carmen still felt horribly excluded. How could Daniel do this to her? Did he have no awareness of how it made her feel?
‘How healthy!’ Carmen put in. ‘I’d have thought pregnancy was the one time you could get to indulge a love of muffins and sweets. A kind of carte blanche for porking out.’ She was half-joking, she knew from her extensive reading that a healthy diet was important.
‘Oh my God, Carmen! That’s the road to pre-gestational diabetes!’ Imogen exclaimed. ‘And not good for the baby at all. Luckily I had Dan looking after me, so every time I got an unhealthy craving I’d get him to make me a healthy snack.’
‘I was on houmous and crudité-making duty, practically twenty-four seven,’ Daniel replied, giving Imogen the benefit of one of his gorgeous smiles. Next they’d be retelling the story of the birth. Carmen didn’t think she could take it.
‘So,’ Carmen said
brightly, ‘when’s the baby due?’
‘March.’
The same month as Nick’s, Carmen thought with a pang.
‘And d’you know if you’re having a boy or girl?’ She was good at asking these questions, wasn’t she? Imogen would never know how much it pained her.
‘I really hope it’s a girl!’ Millie exclaimed, bouncing up and down on the sofa. ‘I’d love to have a sister! If it’s a girl can we call her Ruby? That’s my favourite name for a girl.’
‘I kind of want the surprise,’ Imogen replied. ‘But yeah, I quite like Ruby. Your dad and I nearly called you Ruby.’
‘And where are you planning on having the baby?’ Carmen had to know.
‘That sort of depends on a few things.’
‘Oh stay here, Mummy, please! I’ll help you with the baby and so will Daddy.’
It was like watching yourself being airbrushed out of a picture. Any moment now Carmen would have disappeared altogether.
Daniel walked over to Imogen and handed her a glass of juice. ‘Thanks, Dan. I still can’t believe you cut your hair. It looks so much better long, you’ll have to grow it back. I love it when it’s long. Short is so severe.’
Daniel gave an embarrassed laugh and sat on the armchair opposite Carmen. ‘I don’t think Carmen would agree.’
A Funny Thing About Love Page 26