by Dianne Drake
“It’s none of my business what goes on out there during the week.” Brave words, to cover the fact that she was bothered.
“Yet when you leave here this afternoon, your car will be packed full of things that will be used to take care of matters you state are none of your business. And you spent hours on the phone this week, looking for contributions. How does that make sense, Juliette, if it isn’t your business?”
“Damien does what he does, I do what I do. We meet up on the weekends and work together, and that’s as far as it goes.” The problem was, he was taking up too much space in her thoughts now. Encroaching in places she’d never thought could be encroached upon. Putting notions into a head that had been previously blissfully notion-free.
“But you do have a working relationship, so shouldn’t that count for something?”
“He didn’t want to see me, Cynthia. Or else he would have let me know he was here.” Truthful words, but they stung, nonetheless. She was getting in way too deep. Sinking down into the bottom of an undefined process that appeared to have no way out. Was she falling in love with him? In love for the very first time in her life?
“Look, I’ve got an appointment in twenty minutes. It should take me about an hour and after that I’ll be back in the office for a couple hours. So if you’re here when I get back we’ll talk, and if you’re not I’ll see you when I get back Monday. Oh, and tell Carlos I said hello, and ask him if he could please do something to secure the towel rod in the kitchen.”
“You should invite Damien to stay sometime. Maybe he could fix your towel rod.”
“Except Damien and I aren’t like that.”
“You should be,” Cynthia said, as she followed Juliette out the front door. “And you could be if you wanted to.”
“You don’t know that.” Juliette turned to make sure the door was locked, then headed down the hall to the elevator in a casual stroll, Cynthia at her side. “Besides, Damien and I aren’t really existing together under normal circumstances.”
“Couldn’t you make them normal?”
Could she? Honestly, Juliette wasn’t sure what constituted normal with Damien. Wasn’t sure he’d ever reveal that side of himself to her. Wasn’t sure she’d recognize it if he did.
* * *
“Lunch?” Damien had promised himself he wasn’t going to do this when he’d come to San José, and here he was, doing it, anyway. So what the hell was he thinking? Why was he trying to turn a perfectly good professional relationship into something else? “I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop by and ask.”
Juliette spun around in her desk chair to face Damien. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I wasn’t expecting me either, but here I am.” Approaching something he wasn’t sure he should approach. “So, since it’s lunchtime, I thought...” He shrugged.
Something about seeing her away from the hospital—she looked different. Not as confident as he normally saw her. Not as happy. And the stress he saw on her face—he’d never seen that in Bombacopsis, even when they’d performed a C-section bedside. “Are you OK?” he asked.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you look tired.”
She smiled. “I’m fine. Just preoccupied.”
“Do you want me to hang around and drive you to Bombacopsis later on?” He knew it was a feeble attempt to get some alone time with her, but it was the best he could come up with.
“If you did, you’d have to drive me back Monday morning, and that would put you on the road for half a day, coming here, going back to the hospital. So, as much as I appreciate the offer, I’ll be fine driving out later on. Oh, and thanks for the lunch offer. It would have been nice, but I’ve got an awful lot to do between now and when I leave later today. But next time you come to San José—”
He was disappointed, but he wasn’t surprised. Had he wanted a date with her, he should have asked properly rather than simply showing up and expecting it.
“Damien, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“Probably because we don’t have to account to each other for anything. That’s part of our relationship.” A lame excuse, if ever there was one. He hadn’t told her because he didn’t know how to face her. And he didn’t know how to face her because he wasn’t sure about his emotions anymore. Or his dwindling resolve.
“What relationship, Damien? I work for you and, apparently, that’s as far as we go.”
“Is this about me kissing you?”
“It was just a kiss, Damien. Kisses happen all the time for no good reason.”
“So you think I kissed you for no good reason?”
Juliette shrugged. “I don’t know. But in my experience I don’t take those things lightly. Maybe in your experience you do. But it’s bothered me all week, because I’ve wondered if you have something more on your mind than only a professional relationship.”
“Is that what you think we’re doing? Forging a personal relationship?” In his mind, he believed that was exactly what they were doing. In a most awkward way. In a way that couldn’t possibly work out for either of them as they were both headed in such different directions.
“Is it?” Juliette shook her head, and rubbed the little crease forming between her eyes. “Look, I have a lot of work to do before I leave for Bombacopsis, and I don’t need to be distracted by this awkward dynamic we always seem to have between us.”
“In other words, you’re asking me to leave.” Something he couldn’t disagree with, considering the circumstances.
“Yes, I am.”
“But you’ll be in to work later on?” OK, so he knew he was on the verge of driving her away, but it was as if every time he got near Juliette he felt the need to retreat from her. Problem was, his way of retreating was all tied up in pushing her away. And he really didn’t want to do that. But something always took him over, forced him into doing things he didn’t want to do, saying things he didn’t want to say. Was it simply that he expected Juliette to do the same thing to him that Nancy had done? Was he really that unsure of himself?
“I made a commitment to help you at the hospital, and I’ll honor that, unless you say otherwise. So yes, I’ll be there.”
He was glad. Glad she could get around him. Glad she persevered in spite of his efforts to keep his distance. “I appreciate what you do, Juliette,” he said, heading to the office door.
“Not enough, Damien. You don’t appreciate it enough.”
“You’re right. I probably don’t.”
“And that’s your problem, not mine.”
It was his problem. Especially since thinking about Juliette had started keeping him up at night.
* * *
The three-hour drive seemed to take forever this evening, and when Juliette reached the edge of Bombacopsis she’d never in all her life been so happy to see anyplace as she was this one. First off, she intended to apologize to Damien for making it sound as if he had to account to her for his activities. He didn’t. And she didn’t want him thinking that she expected it. She also wanted to apologize to him for misinterpreting their relationship when, clearly, he had no intention of having anything other than a professional one with her.
Of course, that meant she’d have to quit reading more into it than was there. The kiss meant nothing. The personal interactions meant nothing. She was a colleague to him and she’d have to accept that, despite her growing feelings, or she’d have to leave. But she didn’t want to leave.
This was where her inexperience in love was showing, and it embarrassed her.
Proceeding slowly down the main road, dodging potholes and barefoot children darting back and forth across the road, she looked to see if Marco and Ivelis were among any of them. But they weren’t. She’d meant to ask Damien about them earlier, but her muddl
ed thoughts had gotten in the way. So now she’d spent the better part of her three-hour drive imagining ways she would approach Damien and, alternately, worrying about the kids.
“Where are they?” she asked immediately upon entering the hospital. “Marco and Ivelis? Have you sent them to Child Services?”
Damien, who was busy rummaging through the file cabinet next to the single dilapidated desk in the exam room, turned to look at her. “They’re with George and Carmelita right now. They’ve been looking after them during the day, when I’m working, and I’ve been looking after them at night, when George is working. It’s not the best situation, but it beats having them locked up in an institution.”
“Child Services are good with that arrangement?”
“Child Services are good with anything that doesn’t add to their list. The kids are eating, they’re being schooled at the church with the rest of the village’s children, by Padre Benicio, and they have a roof over their heads—that puts them way ahead of the game, considering how things could be turning out for them.”
“But it’s only temporary, Damien. In the long term, what’s going to happen to them?”
He shrugged. “Out here, you take it one day at a time. You know, get through the day and hope you make it to the next and, when you do, figure it out from there.”
Would Damien actually take on the responsibility of tending to these children in the long term? Feed them, clothe them, continue them on at the school? Love them? In spite of his casual exterior, she saw a man who had great compassion, especially for children, so she was encouraged to believe that this could turn into a permanent situation. Damien as Dad. In an unexpected sort of way, it seemed to fit him.
“Look, Damien, I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. You’re right. We don’t have to account to each other for anything outside this job. But I was a little hurt. I mean, I’m not making a lot of friends in San José. Not enough time. And I suppose I thought we were becoming friends, then when you didn’t tell me you’d be there, that just pointed out to me how wrong I was. I presumed too much.”
“First, you didn’t presume too much. We’re friends, and I should have told you I’d be in town. That’s what friends do, but I’m not very good at it. And second, I can’t have a permanent relationship with you, Juliette,” he said, quite directly. “Something other than friendship. If you thought I was leading in that direction, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend that.”
“Because I’m wealthy,” she stated.
“No. It’s because I’m not available. I came here to avoid those kinds of trappings, and I can’t afford to get entangled again. I need space to sort my life. Space to figure out where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. Space to come to terms with what I’ve done in my past so I’m not doomed to repeat it in my future. Nancy, my biases, my envies—all the things that, for a time, turned me into someone I didn’t want to be.”
“And I take up your space?”
“In ways you probably wouldn’t even understand.”
“So that’s it? We can be friends and colleagues. But that’s all?” She wasn’t surprised by the direction this conversation was going, but she didn’t like it. Didn’t like knowing that these strange, new feelings she was having were letting her down.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” He sighed heavily. “I didn’t want you to make a difference in my life, other than in a professional way. But you’re doing that, and I don’t know what to do about it because it wasn’t in my plan. I mean, I felt guilty as hell about not letting you know I’d be in San José, and I intended to do that because I was trying to distance myself from whatever it is we’re doing.”
“Because?”
“Because I’m trying not to fall in love with you.”
Could that mean he was falling in love with her?
“Falling in love with me would be bad?” If this was the way love started, it was a lot more difficult than she’d ever imagined it to be.
“It’s very bad because I don’t want to get hung up on someone. I don’t want to feel guilty when I decide to avoid a situation or don’t meet personal expectations. I don’t want to be distracted from the things I’m trying to accomplish both professionally and personally.”
“I distract you?” This was leading to something depressing. She could feel it coming. And it scared her because the side of Damien she was seeing right now, the brutally honest side, was the one she desperately wanted in her life. But it frightened her because his truths were turning out to be painful.
“When I let you.”
“Which leaves us what? Anything? Or do you intend on running another ad to replace me?” In and out, just like that. It was almost too much to comprehend. “What do you think?”
“What I think, Juliette, is that I’m better off alone. It suits me. Keeps me out of trouble. Keeps me from putting myself in the position that I might not do the best work I can do.”
“Then that’s the answer, isn’t it? I’ll go, and you can find somebody else to replace me. Someone who won’t mess with your mind the way I, apparently, am.” Better to do this now, before she got in any deeper. But she certainly hadn’t counted on how much it would hurt. And it did hurt. And now she was feeling light-headed and dizzy. Nauseated. Headachy. “Well, if it’s OK with you, I’ll stay on until my replacement arrives.” Stay on to endure more of an emotional beating. Because she did have her obligations here, and she wasn’t going to let him defeat that in her. Not while she had a shred of pride still intact. “So go ahead and assign me my work for the evening, and I won’t bother you.”
“Juliette, I—”
She held out her hand to stop him. “Look, Damien. All I want is to do my job, and skip the rest of this. OK? Just let me work.” Which was all she should have ever done in the first place. But, stupid her, she’d stepped in too far.
“Fine. I have two patients down in the village I need to see, and I want to drop an inhaler refill off to Padre Benicio. Alegria is here, tending to some basic chores, and what I need you to do this evening is to admit Senõra Calderón when she shows up in a little while. She was complaining of symptoms that lead me to believe she might be diabetic, but when I tried to admit her earlier she insisted on going home and bathing first. So she should be back here anytime. Do an A1C—I have the test kit in the medicine cabinet. Also a general assessment for any signs of neuropathy, and take a comprehensive medical history. I mean, you know all this already, so I really don’t need to tell you what has to be done. By the time you’re finished, I should be back, and I’d like for the two of us to inventory our supplies—”
Business as usual, she thought. That was all she was to him—business as usual.
“—and then, after that, I want to check our medicines. Which should pretty well take us on into the night.”
Couldn’t he simply ask her not to go? Couldn’t he say something to encourage her? Something? Anything? This was awkward. She felt it. He felt it. But there was nothing they could do about it. She was developing feelings for him, and she had no idea what he was developing for her, he was so back and forth about it.
“Anyway, I’ll be back in a while.” That was all he said. Then he walked out the door, and Juliette walked into the exam room, feeling numb.
* * *
Damn, he was stupid. She’d done all but admit to him that she loved him, and here he’d gone and thrown it right back in her face. How stupid could any one man get?
“Have you ever done something you knew you didn’t want to do, but you did it, anyway?” he asked Padre Benicio.
The padre chuckled. “Too often, I’m afraid.”
“I’ve got something good happening to me, and I know it’s good, and I know I want it, but I’m doing everything I can to stop it because I don’t know what kind of future I have. Whether it’s here or someplace else. Whether it’s
as a jungle GP or a big-city surgeon. And if I don’t know these things about me, how can I offer anything to anybody else?”
“Whose best interest do you have at heart in this?”
“Everybody’s—nobody’s. I don’t know.”
“Then maybe you should reevaluate this good thing that’s happening to you and try to figure out if you want it badly enough to sort the rest of your life. Ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. Because the jungle is a good place to hide, Damien. It has a way of sorting things for you, if you’re not careful.”
The padre was right, of course, as Damien wasn’t sure he even knew how to go about starting to put his life in order, let alone proceeding through and finishing it. He was scared of changing his life, scared of changing himself, scared of coming to terms with what he really wanted. Which was Juliette. And now she was leaving. He’d pushed her too far. Pushed her in a direction he didn’t want her taking. And he was the only one who could rectify that.
“Look, I’ve got to go try to straighten something out before it’s too late.” He prayed that he wasn’t.
* * *
Hearing the approaching footsteps, Juliette looked up to greet her patient and was surprised to see Damien standing in the exam room doorway. “You just left,” she said, trying to sound even when everything inside her was fluttering and flustering.
“I came back because I shouldn’t have walked out and left things hanging between us, the way they are.”
“You said what you wanted to say, Damien. What else is there?”
“That I don’t want you to leave. That I look forward to Friday evenings, knowing that you’re on your way here. That I don’t know what to do with our friendship and I want you to try to help me figure it out.”
This wasn’t what she’d expected from him. Not at all. And she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Wasn’t sure of the way he swung back and forth.
“You know, I’ve never had a relationship other than friendship before.”
“Never?”
She shook her head. “I’ve had casual dates, nothing serious, and no, I’m not a virgin. But anything that went beyond casual—” She shrugged. Life just hadn’t permitted anything else for her, between her work commitments and the fear of what losing her might do to her father. Yes, dutiful doctor, dutiful daughter—all of it had caused her to miss out and now, here she was, practically clueless. “I don’t know how to help you figure it out, Damien. If you want something more, you’ve got to figure out how to do it. And if you decide you really don’t want anything other than what we’ve already got, that’s fine. I’ll accept it.” Even though it would break her heart. “But the one thing you have to know is that if we go any further, I don’t expect to be hurt.”