by Karina Halle
Kessler is turning around at the sound of my voice.
He looks at me.
Looks at Hunter.
Just as Hunter’s feet slide out from under him on the slippery tiles and he falls to the right.
SPLASH.
Into the deep end of the pool.
“Hunter!” I scream, scrambling to my feet as Hunter’s arms flap on the surface for a few splashes in a desperate attempt to swim before he starts to sink.
He’s gone under.
And Kessler is running at the pool full speed.
He jumps in, legs first.
SPLASH.
Sinks.
Now I’m trying to run after both of them.
I’m yelling for people to help, yelling that they can’t swim, just as Kessler’s head breaks the surface, gasping for air.
Hunter is in his hands and he’s doing his best to hold him up, even though he’s struggling to stay above water.
I’m close enough to dive right into the pool, swimming in a few strokes until I reach Kessler, trying to help him up. I see nothing but a flurry of whirlwind bubbles and feel the desperate, hard kick of Kessler’s legs. They’re so powerful I’m nearly knocked out.
When I manage to grab hold underneath Kessler’s arms, we reach the surface and through the water in my eyes, I see that someone has grabbed Hunter already from Kessler’s grasp and pulled his son to safety.
“Easy,” I tell Kessler, though he can’t look at me, his eyes are too wild. “Keep kicking but do it easy, don’t tax yourself. You’re almost there.”
I help lead him over to the edge of the pool, just a few feet, and wrap his arms around the metal stair railings.
“Hunter,” he cries out, coughing. “Hunter.”
“He’s fine,” someone says from above, and we look up to see Hunter sitting just off to the side of the pool in the arms of an older gentleman. Hunter is crying his eyes out but other than that he doesn’t seem hurt at all.
But Kessler does. He’s staring at me through the wet lock of hair flopped across his face and his look says it all.
It says his son almost drowned.
It says he almost drowned.
It says it’s all my fault.
And he’s right. If I had kept my eyes on Hunter like I should have, if I hadn’t turned my back for a minute, Hunter wouldn’t have been able to run off like that. I would have helped him get his pineapple juice. He wouldn’t have fallen in the pool and nearly drowned.
Kessler wouldn’t have had to risk his own fucking life to jump in after him, knowing full well he can’t swim yet either.
I could have lost them both.
And I would only have to blame myself.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him, feeling the hot prickle of tears at my eyes. “I’m so sorry Kess. I was watching him I swear, I just turned my back for a second and I’m so sorry.”
But Kessler is breathing too hard to say anything.
Eventually a big Hawaiian guy standing by the pool helps haul Kessler out and I follow.
Hunter is wrapped up in a towel, his sobs quieting as someone hands him a small cup of pineapple juice.
We’re ushered off to the side and the lifeguard looks us over, talking to us to make sure we’re okay. It doesn’t seem like anyone suffered any injuries, although my shins and thighs are going to have huge bruises tomorrow from Kessler’s kicking. His hockey thighs are no joke.
I assure the lifeguard that I’m okay enough to drive us back to my house, even though I have a feeling I’m barely holding it together. I’m so shaken up inside that I feel the slightest knock might shatter me and I have to survive on autopilot as I drive us home, just going through the motions.
But the silence inside the car is killing me.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, glancing at Kessler. He’s look out the window, avoiding my eyes, towel wrapped around his broad shoulders. When he doesn’t say anything, I look in the rear-view mirror at Hunter in his car seat. “I’m so sorry Hunter.”
“Don’t talk to him,” Kessler snaps at me quietly.
My eyes widen as I look over at him. “Why not? I’m sorry.”
“He doesn’t need your apology.”
“Well do you need my apology?”
“You know, I was gone for one second.”
I feel like I’ve just been poked with a pin and I’m slowly draining. I suppose it’s better than shattering on the spot. “And I just turned my back for one second.”
“You shouldn’t be turning your back at all.” He looks away and mutters under his breath, “But I guess that’s what you do.”
“What?”
We’re going there?
“What were you doing?” he asks.
“I was looking for my book!”
He shakes his head. “Can’t even trust you to put your own needs aside for one second.”
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Don’t swear in front of my child. I think you’ve done enough to him for one day.”
“Why are you turning into a monster?” I cry out, my grip tightening on the wheel, my temper ready to fly off the handle. I take in a deep, sucking breath. “Look, I know you’re upset. He almost drowned, you almost drowned. I know it’s a lot to handle but please, I didn’t do it on purpose. I would never do that to you, I would never hurt you, either of you, you know that.”
“I don’t think I know shit anymore.”
“What does that mean?”
His eyes are blazing, sharp and dangerous, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this angry, this vicious. It hurts to know how badly he can hurt me if he chooses.
Please don’t hurt me, I think. Please don’t say anything to hurt me.
“It means I have no idea what you want, what you’re even doing with me. Maybe this is just some game to you, a fun way to pass the time. Today was just a prime example of you being selfish, of thinking of no one but yourself.”
“Excuse me?!” I shriek.
“Mommy, Daddy, stop fighting!” Hunter yells from the backseat.
His words catch me off guard for a second but Kessler plows right on through.
“She’s not your mother, Hunter,” he says in a hard voice. “She’s just a friend. Just your friend, just my friend. Nothing more. Isn’t that right, Nova?”
I am fucking speechless. I can’t even answer him and I don’t know what I would even say.
So he does know how to hurt me and has no problems in doing so.
Fine.
As if I couldn’t feel guilty enough for what happened, as if I haven’t had to deal with enough guilt in my life. But hell, there I am making it all about me again.
Selfish, selfish Nova.
The air in the car is so thick with tension I’m surprised I can see out the windshield, surprised that I actually get us home.
I park in the driveway, ready to get out when Kessler says, “Sorry.”
He’s good at apologizing, but not this time.
He went too far.
And now, I feel myself being reeled back in like an empty fish hook.
Walls going up.
Brick by frozen brick.
I get out of the car and manage to hold it together enough to say goodbye to Hunter. Thank god the kid doesn’t seem to harbor any grudges against me, nor does he seem that shaken up or traumatized.
But when it comes to Kessler, I keep my distance.
I watch as he puts the car seat in the back seat of the Audi and then goes around to his side.
He doesn’t say anything to me and, with his sunglasses on, I can’t read his expression.
But I can feel him.
All his cells and electricity inside him, I can feel how much he doesn’t want me around, I can feel that I screwed up big time, not only by not paying enough attention today but by not paying enough attention to our relationship in general. Not giving him what he needs when I don’t even know my own n
eeds.
Kessler hesitates, hand on the open door, and takes his sunglasses off.
That’s when I see the anger in his eyes has dissipated—all I see is pain.
Pain I caused. Pain we caused.
“I don’t want to end it like this,” he says.
“And yet that’s what’s happening,” I tell him, crossing my arms, trying to hold my ground even though I don’t know what I’m standing for anymore.
He swallows and nods.
Gets in the car.
Drives off.
I watch until he disappears around the corner and I look up at the mountains and wish I could bury my heart somewhere deep inside the green ridges, perhaps in a deep, secret cave. Keep it there until it feels safe to come out.
It’s then that I realize it’ll never be safe for me.
Whatever I was trying so hard to shield my heart from, happened anyway.
I think I’m still in love with him.
I think I love him more than before.
I think I might have just kicked that love to the curb.
And everything I think…I know.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
KESSLER
“DADDY. DADDY. DADDY.”
Hunter’s cries enter my dream. For a moment I’m back in the ocean and he’s drowning, slipping through my grasp.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not my son.
Not my love, my world.
I reach for him in the depths but soon I’m drowning too, swallowed into the darkness, seeing Hunter float away, getting smaller and smaller.
I wake up, covered in sweat, and see the shadow of Hunter by my bed.
“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” he’s crying out, tugging on the sheets.
“What is it? Did you have a nightmare?” I ask, my throat closed and words sluggish. I wipe the sweat off my face and peer at him, wondering if he’s going to be scarred for life by what happened today, if he’ll ever swim, if he’ll need therapy. First he loses his mother to prison, then he nearly drowns.
Fuck, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I highly doubt it.
“I’m scared,” he says in a small voice. “Can I come in bed with you?”
“Of course, little buddy,” I say to him, picking him up by his waist and placing him in bed beside me, getting him under the sheets. “Tell me what you’re scared of. It’s the water isn’t it?”
He shakes his head. “No. I’m scared of the Menehune.”
I stare at him for a moment, figuring I heard him wrong. “Like…mermaids?”
“No, the Menehune,” he says. “They’re like Leprechauns.”
Oh god. I sit up straighter and peer at the time. It’s only ten thirty at night. I must have passed right out earlier after everything that happened today. “The cockroaches are back?”
“No,” he says, getting impatient now. “The Menehune.”
“I’m sorry Hunter, I don’t know what the Menehune are.”
“The Menehune are tiny people who live under your bed.”
This isn’t good. “By tiny people, do you mean insects? Like the cockroaches?”
Shit, maybe it’s now a centipede infestation. I heard their bite can hurt for months.
He sighs. “Tiny people. They are this big.” He gestures to the size of a Barbie doll. “They used to live in the forests but now because people are everywhere they can live in your house. That’s what Nova said.”
Oh shit. This explains everything. “Nova told you about them?”
He nods, his lower lip trembling. “Yes. The other day. She said they were chevious.”
“Mischievous?” I say.
“Yes miss chevious,” he says. “And they like to play tricks on you and hide things. I think there’s one under my bed and he wants to eat my toes!”
I sigh loudly and pull him in for a hug. “Listen, Hunter. There are no Menehune.”
“There are, I heard other people talking about them, too.”
I’m not too sure about that but I have to do damage control.
“I think maybe you’re just scared over what happened today. It’s okay if you want to talk about it. You know what, I was scared too. I thought I couldn’t save you and then I thought I couldn’t save myself and it’s like my whole world came crashing down on me.”
Hunter is staring at me with big eyes, nodding. “You were like Maui.”
“I was barely like Maui. I needed help.”
“I wish I knew how to swim.”
Fuck, this is breaking my heart. “You will. You just weren’t ready and you took a tumble. It’s not your fault.”
“I want to be all powerful like you are.”
I chuckle. “Oh, if you only knew the half of it. Tell you what, if you think I’m all powerful, then I will kill the Menehune under the bed for you. You said it’s only one, right?”
“No,” he cries out. “You can’t kill it. Don’t kill it Daddy.”
“Okay, okay, I won’t kill it. I’ll just remove it and put it outside.”
“You can’t. Only the Hawaiian people can do that. You are what Nova calls a Nuck.”
“A Nuck?” He must mean Canuck. “So Nova knows all about the removal of Menehune then?”
He nods thoughtfully. “I think so. You should call her.”
I let out a dry laugh even though he has no idea why it’s funny. I guess he doesn’t even remember us fighting today, which is good. “It’s late, buddy.”
“I can call her.”
“We aren’t calling Nova right now, she’s sleeping.”
“But I can’t sleep until the Menehune is gone!”
This back and forth literally goes on for another ten minutes before Hunter passes out in my arms.
I could kill Nova for doing this. She should have known how susceptible he is to these weird scary things after the whole leprechaun cockroach invasion.
I roll over and text her: Thanks a lot for telling him about the Menehune. He’s terrified and can’t sleep and thinks he needs a Menehune hunter or they’ll eat his toes.
I know that’s going to make her feel really bad, especially after today, but I can’t help it. I guess I’m still mad at her, the way I knew she was shutting me out in the end.
Then again, I said some pretty shitty things to her. Things I didn’t mean. Things I knew would hurt her, all because I’ve been so damn frustrated.
That’s the thing about fighting with her now—it hurts. Before it was all fun and games where we could shoot arrows at each other and it would bounce off our armor. Every day was like going into battle when you never knew what the other person was going to do.
It was fun. A lot of fun. But it was shallow. When you wear armor like that, you don’t let anything in underneath and a lot of the stuff between us was just coasting on the surface, slipping right off.
But now the armor is down. At least it is for me. She might not know it yet, but she’s got me, all of me. And I can only hope that with time I’ll get all of her.
It’s just, after today, I wonder if it’s too late. There’s not a lot of time these days and sometimes I feel like I have a pickaxe, just working away at her, hoping she’ll let me in.
We said some things we shouldn’t have and took two steps back. Maybe even three. I know it scared the hell out of both of us for many different reasons and we were jerks about it. And I really should have kept my temper under control in front of my son. That was a dad fail.
I squeeze Hunter tight and close my eyes, not bothering to see if Nova has responded or not, and try to drift off to sleep, try to train my mind to stop dwelling on all the should haves.
A knock at my door rouses me out of my half-asleep state.
I sit up and look at Hunter, who is rolling over and rubbing his eyes.
“Who is it?” Hunter asks, then his eyes widen. “Is it the Menehune?”
“No,” I say quickly. “You stay here. Maybe Loan went for a late night walk and locked herself out.”
But when I go
downstairs and pass by Loan’s bedroom, I can hear her snoring loudly through the closed door.
I’m not normally a paranoid person but I am in a strange state—literally and figuratively—and I don’t know if I’m still shaken up over today or if I’ve angered an obsessed hockey fan or maybe this is the Menehune coming to look for my son, but I end up grabbing a hockey stick off the wall and creep forward to the front door.
The front door is frosted glass and I can see the shadow of weirdest fucking shape outside on the front steps. It’s got like an extra head and extra long arms and, fucking hell, I must be hallucinating. Hunter did say the Menehune were small, right?
I grip the hockey stick and swing open the door.
Nova is standing outside.
In a damn wetsuit.
With her mosquito-fighting headlamp on her head.
A fly swatter in one hand.
And a jar in the other.
“Nova?” I ask her. “I think you’ve gone to the bad place.”
“I’m here for Hunter,” she says, raising her chin.
I shake my head, running my hand over my face. “Wh…what?”
“I’m a Menehune Exterminator, at your service.”
I stare at her, nearly dropping the hockey stick.
She nods at it. “You can put that away. The Menehune can break your hockey stick in half. Is Hunter up? I can do a live removal right now.”
This is blowing my ever-loving mind.
“It’s midnight,” I tell her, stepping outside and getting a better look at her. “Why are you here? In a wetsuit. What’s with the jar…” I lean in close to take a look at it and then jerk back. “There’s a fucking gecko in there!”
“It’s Dwayne Johnson for your information,” she says, walking up to me. “He’ll keep the Menehune away.” She stares expectantly at me and I can see an apology running through her eyes.
“You don’t have to do this,” I tell her. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have texted you that, it was a dick move.”
She adjusts her headlamp, getting me right in the eyes. “I do need to do this. But I don’t want to disturb him if he happened to fall asleep.”
“What’s going on?” Hunter says from behind me. “Who are you?”
I turn around to see him in the doorway staring at Nova with big eyes.
With her hair pulled back the way it is and the wetsuit, I could see how he might be confused.