“I’ve been giving them to her myself .”
Doctor Li sighed, glancing again at the charts. “I think we may have exhausted this course of treatment .”
“What? What does that mean?” Sarina knew exactly what that meant, but she was praying that she was wrong, that there was still another option she hadn’t considered .
“Maybe we should take another MRI .”
“Those brain scans scare her to death, Dr. Li .”
But the doctor could only shrug and point at the chart. “It’s the only way to know for sure how aggressive the deterioration is .”
Sarina knew she couldn’t challenge the doctor’s expertise, but she also couldn’t stand the idea of turning her grandmother over to a series of tests that didn’t seem to help and drug cocktails which only seemed to be making things worse .
She just didn’t see any choice .
“Okay,” Sarina said with a long sigh, “let’s schedule an appointment .”
Thirty minutes later on the car ride home, Sarina had to explain it to Billie. “They just want to make sure you’re all right .”
“That’s not true and you know it,” Billie said, her wrinkled upper lip curling in disdain. “There’s nothing they can do .”
“We don’t know that for sure, Gram. Look, what you’re going through, a lot of people go through it too. And there are things we can do .”
“I don’t like those tests,” Billie said. “It hurts .”
Sarina tilted her head down, looking at Billie from under her raised brows. “Gram, an MRI doesn’t hurt. It might be a little uncomfortable, but you’re basically just laying still for a while. How can that hurt ?”
“It does,” Billie said with a whine, sounding more like a spoiled child than an old woman. “It hurts! Why do you keep wanting to hurt me ?”
“I—? Gram, you know I don’t want to hurt you; that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do!” The Hyundai slowed as Sarina pulled off the freeway. “But sometimes people get…they get sick, and I think that’s what’s happened to you, Gram .”
“Sick! I’m just old, that’s all .”
“No, Gram, no. At first I thought you were just sad, y’know, depressed, about the accident. But now I think we should look at it the way the doctor does, as a disease .”
“Disease,” Billie repeated with contempt, “accident, I think maybe you should see a doctor, talking that nonsense .”
“Gram?”
“Are you on drugs or something? Smoking that pot ?”
“Of course not,” Sarina said with a chuckle that was too fleeting. “And it’s not nonsense, Gram. The longer we stay honest with ourselves, the clearer everything will be. But I think maybe your…your confusion is only getting worse because — ”
“I am not confused,” Billie insisted as Sarina stopped at a red light. “You’re the one who’s confused !”
“All right, well, confused or not, we’re going in for that appointment for the MRI.” Before the light could change, Billie unlocked the door, pushed it open and stumbled out into the street. “Gram !”
Sarina climbed out of the driver’s seat, leaving the car to idle while the light turned green. A car in the next lane jutted forward but stopped just short of hitting Billie, who stood cringing with her arms over her head .
Sarina circled the Hyundai and grabbed Billie’s arm. “Gram, what are you doing? Get back in the car !”
“No! I won’t go anywhere with you !”
“Gram, we’re just going home, okay? You wanna go home, don’t you ?”
Horns honked around them, cars slowly pulling into the other lanes to drive past them, one driver shouting, “Outta the way, stupid bitches !”
But neither Sarina nor Billie responded. Their attentions were fixed on each other, even as the chaos of the traffic grew heavier around them. Sarina pleaded, “Come home, Gram; come home with me!” Billie looked around, cars driving past too close, horns still honking at them, adding insult to injury. “Gram please, before we get hurt!” Billie stood there as if in a daze, but her stubborn resistance softened enough to take a step back toward the opened car door. She eased up and Sarina was able to shuffle her back into the Hyundai and close the door. Five seconds later Sarina was behind the wheel, sliding through the intersection just as the yellow light turned red .
* * *
T y stared at the plate of lemon chicken and fluffy rice pilaf that sat in front of Sarina. He wasn’t interested in eating either, his New York strip sitting untouched in front of him .
Ty said, “Maybe it’s time to revisit the idea, unpleasant as it is — ”
“No, Ty, we’re not there yet .”
Ty cut into his steak and pierced the piece with his fork, leaving it idle on his plate. “Sarina, she wandered out into the street; she could have been killed .”
“She did that because she was mad at me, that’s all. She wasn’t delirious, she wasn’t seeing things, she just wanted to get away from me because I was upsetting her.” But Ty looked deep into Sarina’s soul, his eyes cutting right through Sarina’s own willing delusion. Sarina went on, “Look, I know she’s getting a little worse, okay? I don’t deny that. And I know now that it’s more than just depression. But I also know how fast everybody is to throw people into those asylums, and I’m just not going to do it .”
Ty nodded, swallowing his steak and washing it down with a sip of cold beer. “They’re not asylums. Is it the money ?”
“The—? No, Ty, of course not! We’ve got money from the accident; she’s got insurance; it’s nothing to do with the money. I’d sell everything we have to take care of her if I had to .”
Ty paused, setting down his utensils, his soulful blue eyes locking on Sarina’s. “How long are you going to wait? Until she finally hurts herself, or somebody else? What if she tries to cook something and burns the whole block down ?”
“That’s not going to happen .”
“Actually it’s fairly common,” Ty responded with professional certainty .
Sarina looked at Ty, long and slow, setting her utensils down and letting her hands rest on the table. “I can’t believe it .”
“What?”
“You’re no better than any of them.” Ty didn’t bother to ask, but it was clear Sarina had to explain. “Every man I’ve dated just wanted me: no Gram, no way. I thought you were better than that, that you had a real appreciation for family and loyalty — ”
“It’s about duty, Sarina — ”
“Sure, great for you if we just pack her off to some meat freezer somewhere .”
“Sarina—”
“I’m sorry, Ty, but I’m not throwing my grandmother under a bus just so you can come and go without worrying about getting a hotel .”
“Sarina, that’s not the way it is and you know that !”
Sarina felt the muscles of her back tensing, hairs standing up on the back of her neck. “Don’t tell me what I know or don’t know! You think you’re so great? You have no idea what the hell I’ve been through, Ty. Devoting my life to being a caregiver for the person I love more than anything. Dealing with someone on a daily basis that sometimes you can’t even recognize them as being the same person they once were. Making these hard decisions all alone; it’s an incredible amount of pressure, and out of anyone I’ve ever met, I thought that you would be more sympathetic and sensitive to the situation.” Tears welled up in her eyes, a sea of raging emotions unfolding before him, crashing like ocean waves in a storm .
“Sarina, you have to think about her safety,” Ty said softly, reaching out to touch her arm sympathetically .
“That’s right,” Sarina said, pushing her chair out and standing, dropping her napkin on the table. “I do have to think about that…and only that.” With that, Sarina stepped away from the table to leave Ty speechless and half the restaurant peering over, whispering in the wake of the disturbance .
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ty
T y tried cal
ling Sarina several times over the next two days with no response. He pulled a four-day shift at the station and called her from there as well, but he had no luck reaching her. Ty went about his normal duties, helping to clean the engines, cooking the food, and cleaning the dishes. Being the big man around the station didn’t prevent him from having to do those chores; in fact he was eager to do to them as an example to the others. More and more, he feared it was the only real example he could set for them, for Jesse, for anybody .
Who was I to tell Sarina how to deal with her own grandmother? Ty had to ask himself, not nearly for the first time over the previous several days. I’m no expert. Maybe Sarina’s right: maybe the old woman was just upset. I mean, she’s surely slipping, but maybe it really is too early to put her in a lockdown, or even an assisted-living facility. Those patients do tend to go down a slippery slope once they move in. And when they move out, it’s always either into someplace worse, or straight into the ground. Yet here I am urging Sarina to do such a thing. I wish she’d take my calls, let me apologize .
But one thing’s for sure; I’m done being an example to anybody. I’m no bette; I’m no smarter. I’m bigger, that’s about it .
Maybe it’s time I reconsider this line of work. Maybe Sarina was right; maybe there is something else I could do with my life—something less dangerous, something that doesn’t take me away from my daughter for so many days at a time. At least if I hadn’t lost Sarina, she could have taken care of Jesse while I was gone, and our other kids too. But…what else can I do? I’m not trained for anything else .
“What’s up?” Ty turned from the computer to see Pat standing behind him, a hand on his shoulder. “Trolling for porn?” Pat said. Ty chuckled. “It’s okay, I think it’s…kinda hot .”
Ty clicked out of the browser and leaned back, the chair creaking with his weight. Pat said, “Care for a game of pong ?”
Ty didn’t have to think about it for too long. “Sure .”
They crossed to the table, picking up the paddles and ball that were waiting. Pat served, sending the little white ball clicking and bouncing back and forth between them in a steady pattern of recurring arcs .
“So, things went south with your girlfriend?” Ty looked over in surprise, quickly returning his eyes to the ball ricochetting between them. Reading his question before he asked, Pat explained, “Just a hunch. Ty, we’ve been working together over a year; I think I know when something’s bothering you .”
Ty kept hitting the ball back, saying nothing until he managed to shoot the ball past Pat. She smiled, turned to pick it up, then served again. She watched his determined focus on the ball, his way of deliberately avoiding the topic. So Pat went on, “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I mean, sure she was cute, with that black bob and those green eyes. But she was so young; I’m not surprised it didn’t work out. I mean, she was a sweet girl, but you need a woman .”
Ty hit the ball too hard and it went sailing over Pat’s side of the table. She caught it in midair, turning to smile at Ty before serving a third time. Click-clack, click-clack , the ball passed back and forth in relative silence .
“I think sometimes that we’re like cops,” Pat went on, her own gaze following that flying white plastic sphere. “Y’know, we tend to be drawn to one another, y’know? We know what we go through, but civilians just don’t seem to get it, y’know? Though I get how we all marry civilians. Two firefighters together? We’d either be working together all the time, or we’d basically be passing each other on the way to, or home from, our shifts. Our kids would never see us together !”
Ty smashed the ball hard, sending the ball flying across the room, then set down the paddle and walked away. “You win .”
* * *
T he next day Jesse made another surprise appearance at the station, and Ty threw his big arms open to catch her after her run across the station-house floor. Ty was happy to see her, of course, and happier still to believe that Sarina had brought her, that she’d finally gotten over the insult and her protectiveness of her grandmother and was ready to accept Ty’s apology, if not his advice .
But it was old Herb Richards who walked up behind Jesse, and Ty knew at once that Sarina wouldn’t be appearing .
“Herb,” Ty said, “thanks for bringing her down .”
Herb smiled, nodding at Pat and the other firefighters. “She insisted on coming .”
Jesse turned to Ty and whispered to him, “Where’s Sarina ?”
Ty said, “You know better than to whisper in front of other people, Jesse; it’s very rude .”
Jesse looked back at Mr. Richards, who smiled as tenderly as he could. “It’s all right, Jesse, whatever you want to say .”
Jesse rolled her eyes, and Ty said to her, “Let’s go pet Domino outside.” Jesse nodded, and Ty carried her out of the station house, a few snaps of his fingers grabbing the dog’s obedient attention. Once outside, Ty knelt down and set Jesse down to pet Domino, who sat with his black-spotted tail wagging .
Jesse finally asked, “Where’s Sarina ?”
“I suppose she’s at her house with her grandmother .”
“That’s not what I mean, Daddy. How come she’s at her house and not at our house, is what I mean ?”
Ty had to think about it—he’d been thinking about little else over the past week. He knew Jesse would ask, that she’d become attached to Sarina and now was facing another loss. It wasn’t going to be as severe as other loses the poor girl had already faced, but it would be fresh and it would be painful, and Ty knew he would be the only person who could help lessen that pain. But his real fear was not only that he wouldn’t be able to quell that pain, but that he’d been the one who caused it, not only by bringing Sarina into their lives in the first place, but by letting her slip away .
“Daddy?”
“Jesse, Sarina and I…we had a little fight .”
“What about ?”
Ty sighed, not sure how to explain what he’d done. “I was worried about her grandmother, Billie — ”
“Why?”
It was only getting more complicated the further into his explanation Ty got. “Why was I worried? Well, um, Billie might be kind of sick, Jesse. You remember when we picked her up from that nice couple’s house? Well, she wandered there by mistake, because of this sickness that she has. And it’s getting worse; at least I think it is. And when I mentioned it to Sarina, she got mad at me. I know you’re very fond of her; so am I. So just imagine how Sarina must feel. Billie is the only family she has .”
“Just like you and me,” Jesse said .
“Right, exactly .”
“Maybe that’s why we all get along so well, because that’s something we have that’s the same .”
Ty knew that what his daughter was saying was absolutely true, and it indicated even greater truths that weren’t appropriate for a conversation with a girl of Jesse’s age. So he said simply, “I’m sure that’s part of it, yes. But Sarina and I had a disagreement about whether Billie shouldn’t be living in a place where they can take better care of her .”
Jesse kept petting Domino, who was licking her cheek. But her hands slowed over the dog’s spotted hide as her brain wrestled with what her father was telling her. Ty, meanwhile, was trying to remain delicate for both of their benefits .
“You mean like going to the hospital ?”
“Sort of. More like a place where Billie could live…but not in Sarina’s house .”
Jesse’s voice increased in pitch and in volume. “But Daddy, Sarina loves her grandma so much; she told me she’d never leave her .”
“I know, and I appreciate that Sarina feels that way. I’m just worried about her grandmother, that’s all .”
Jesse looked down, her hands not moving at all over that frustrated dog’s coat, now starving for her attention. “So…I don’t get it. If you had a fight, you can just apologize .”
Ty smiled and nodded. “That’s right, Jesse, that’s absolutely right. And I’
d like to apologize to Sarina. But, well, I guess she’s still mad at me, so she won’t talk to me. I haven’t had the chance to apologize .”
Jesse’s eyes rose to meet Ty’s. “How long is she gonna stay mad at you ?”
A long, resolved sigh spilled out of Ty’s lips and nostrils. “Truth is, Jess, she may just be mad at me forever .”
“You mean…she’s not ever gonna come around anymore?” Ty didn’t bother to shake his head, and he couldn’t bear to give words to the confirmation both of them were dreading. “You mean she’s…gone? Like…gone…forever ?”
A corner of Ty’s mouth tucked into his cheek. “I’m afraid that may be so, Jesse .”
“No!”
“Jesse, calm down .”
But her voice only got louder. “No, Daddy. Get her back .”
“I’ve tried to call her, Jesse, but I can’t get through. Now you’re just going to have to learn to accept the fact that people just don’t hang around forever. Some people are with us longer, some shorter. But each experience is still good and healthy and beneficial; everything that happens to us teaches us, makes us stronger — ”
In the corner of his eye, Ty noticed Pat watching him and his daughter, and he knew what she was thinking, what she was imagining for her future. But there was no time to worry about that .
“Get her back, Daddy !”
And in a voice that was stronger and sharper, one unaccustomed to being contradicted, Ty said, “Now listen to me, Jesse — ”
But Jesse was beyond hearing it. “No!” she said, clamping her hands over her ears and turning away. Ty wrapped his arm around her little waist to prevent her leaving, but she just hollered, “No!” again and pulled away, running back into the station house. Ty sat there, wondering if he should go after her or give her the space she obviously needed. Domino couldn’t offer much guidance, but he was there with a lick and wagging tail and a whine that told Ty he always had a friend if he ever needed one .
And he did then more than ever. Another glance revealed Pat still looking at him from the other side of the window. She slowly turned away, and Ty knew that she hoped he would follow her…eventually .
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