NOVEMBER 16
6:15 PM
Things that people have said to me this week that I don’t understand
“That pass-interference call in the end zone was bullshit.”
“Something something something IPO really took off.”
“This is clog weather.”
“The mill rate in this town is ridiculous.”
“You realize you’re playing Nickelback. Right?”
“You’d only last about two days on Naked and Afraid.”
“What’s up, jabroni?”
NOVEMBER 16
9:25 PM
Problems with being the boss
Kimberly thinks she’s the boss.
Steve should be the boss.
I never wanted to be a boss.
NOVEMBER 16
10:05 PM
My original vision of a bookstore owner
Read good books
Recommend good books to smart people
Dine with authors
Be rumored to be working on a novel
What being a bookstore owner actually looked like today
Basic accounting on an Excel spreadsheet that I don’t fully understand
Asking three teenage girls if they could please not vape in the store
Finding books for customers based upon color, size, and cover art
Removing a half-eaten muffin from between two Nelson DeMille novels
Telling customers over the phone when we close
A hell of a lot of vacuuming
NOVEMBER 17
5:35 AM
Things I’m opposed to that I wish I wasn’t
Public nudity (mine only)
Changes I would make to my appearance (in order of importance)
Back hair
Lose 20 pounds
Lose 10 more pounds
Full head of hair
Smaller ears
Six inches taller
Replace missing pinkie toe
Neck mole
Eliminate hair on the tops of my toes
Whiten teeth
Items left off this list because I can’t put them on the list
Penis
NOVEMBER 17
11:45 AM
Problems with my penis
I honestly don’t know how it compares to other penises when erect except for porn penises, which I pray to God are not normally sized penises.
I don’t know how large a penis needs to be in order to be a satisfactory penis.
I don’t know if different women have different definitions of a satisfactory penis size.
I can’t trim or shave my pubic hair because that would imply that I care when I really shouldn’t unless Jill cares but I don’t know if Jill cares.
NOVEMBER 19
3:30 PM
Reasons I quit teaching
Kids didn’t love me
Teachers didn’t like me
Principal hated me
Couldn’t continue to witness bad decisions at the expense of children
Couldn’t stand one more minute of professional development that was neither professional nor developmental
Couldn’t stand reading bad writing
Real reasons I quit teaching
I wasn’t a good enough teacher
It hurt my heart to watch kids waste so much time and ability
Reasons I became a teacher
Understood the job
Dad suggested it
Always liked school
Mr. Sullivan
Summer vacations
Teaching revelations
Teaching is the only profession that you spend at least 15 years observing before trying to do it yourself.
I wouldn’t be a teacher if Dad hadn’t suggested it.
I still think of myself as a teacher even though I’m not.
There will always be too many kids in need of saving.
If the only reason I became a teacher was for the summer vacations, that would’ve still be reason enough.
Reasons I opened bookstore
Love reading good books
Love browsing bookstores
Thought it would be easy
Stupidest thought I’ve ever had
Owning and operating a bookstore would be easy
Hardest thing about owning and operating a bookstore
Everything.
Also …
Making a profit
Managing employees
Explaining to employees (employee) that proselytizing to customers is not okay
Watching great books go unread and terrible books sell like hotcakes
Reshelving magazines
Teenagers
NOVEMBER 19
8:50 PM
60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll of women given a choice of 6 things to change about their man
His temper (29 percent)
His friends (11 percent)
His mother (9 percent)
His sense of humor (8 percent)
His physique (7 percent)
His hygiene (2 percent)
Jill’s comments about this poll
“Their man? Seriously? How old is this poll? Or better, how old are the pollsters?”
“60 Minutes and Vanity Fair are bizarre bedfellows.”
“If you need to change your husband’s temper, you need to change your husband.”
“Does changing your husband’s sense of humor mean giving your husband a sense of humor or fixing the one he already has?”
“I can just hear it: ‘You’re leaning a little Seinfeld. I’d really like a little more Bill Hicks, with maybe a dash of Attell.’”
“I guess if I had to choose, I’d change your mother, but more for your sake than mine.”
“Those numbers only add up to 66%. Where the hell are the other 34%?”
My thoughts on Jill’s comments
She didn’t want to change my physique. Or more correctly, she didn’t list changing my physique in first position. I silently cheered inside until self-doubt overwhelmed me and I wondered if she was just holding back and trying not to hurt my feelings. Then I felt bad that my wife doesn’t like the way I look and is forced to pretend that she does for my own sake. All of this happened in less than a second.
Who are these men with tempers, and what the hell does that look like?
She noticed that the poll only added up to 66% way too quickly.
Me not noticing that the poll didn’t add up to 100% might explain why the bookstore isn’t making enough money.
Who are Bill Hicks and Attell?
NOVEMBER 20
2:20 PM
Comments made to Kimberly today
“Stop suggesting Bibles to the customers.”
“Sharon’s sweaters are fine.”
“You can go home early.”
NOVEMBER 20
5:40 PM
Facts about Jesus that I told Kimberly to annoy her
Jesus was Jewish.
Jesus was a socialist.
Jesus was a refugee.
Jesus was anti–death penalty.
Jesus was anti–school prayer (Matthew 6:5).
Jesus was opposed to the accumulation of wealth.
Jesus was silent on the issues of homosexuality and gay marriage.
Jesus was a brown-skinned Middle Easterner who wore sandals to the dinner table.
Jesus was a friend to prostitutes.
Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Scripture is the basis of all religious belief. It is also the last thing in the world that will change a person’s belief once that belief has been falsely cemented.
There is an inverse correlation between a certainty of a person’s religious belief and their actual knowledge of Scripture.
NOVEMBER 20
8:10 PM
Update
Bill Hicks is a stand-up comic. Wikipedia says his material is “steeped in dark comedy.”
Dave Attell is a stand-up comic. Wikipedia says
that “Patton Oswald and Bill Burr have hailed him as the greatest off-color comedian alive.”
I know who Patton Oswald is.
Now I know who Bill Burr is too.
Facts about my marriage
Jill is always talking about stuff that I know nothing about but wish I did.
Jill was the girl in high school who had seen every Saturday Night Live ever made, sewed her own jeans, and was listening to punk before anyone knew what punk was.
I feel like I’ve told Jill about every cool thing that I’ve ever done but she has barely scratched the surface with me.
I was married to Jill for almost six months before she told me that she was once a fire spinner at Burning Man, which is cooler than anything I’ve ever done in my entire life but was an afterthought for her.
There will always be a part of Jill’s life that will remain a secret to me because you can only tell your second husband so much about your previous life with your dead husband.
Jill is cooler than I will ever be, which once thrilled me but now makes me feel so fucking insecure.
NOVEMBER 20
8:56 PM
Numbers for the day
Customers: 5
Books sold: 2
Toys sold: 3
Other items sold: 0
Estimated profit: $52
Estimated profit after paying Kimberly’s salary: - $13
NOVEMBER 21
2:20 AM
Stupidest List Ever
Bank
Liquor store
Citgo
7-Eleven
ATM
NOVEMBER 23
10:30 PM
Thanksgiving Observations
When did canned cranberry sauce get replaced with twigs-and-berries shit?
Potatoes and stuffing always taste better out of a box. People are just too damn pretentious to admit it.
Jake prays before the meal. Earnestly. I expect him to be struck by lightning every time. I’m only a little disappointed, dear Lord, when it doesn’t happen. Amen.
Sophia does not pray earnestly like her husband. She might be faking it completely. I think she thinks Jake is a dick when it comes to prayer.
Turkey is the shit. It’s wasted on Thanksgiving. We shouldn’t save it only for meals eaten with people we don’t always like.
Four empty wine bottles? Plus beer bottles? Who did all the drinking?
How can people care so much about a football game when they hate both teams playing?
“We don’t hate the players. We hate the laundry,” is just the kind of stupid thing Jake likes to spout off as if he’s saying it for the first time in the history of the world when I know damn well he’s heard it a million times on TV because it’s way too clever for him to come up with on his own.
Jake was a lot more likeable when he was a kid.
Someone needed to tell Jill’s brother that working for your dad’s company does not amount to financial wizardry or entrepreneurial achievement. It’s called nepotism.
Apparently (or at least according to Jill) I didn’t need to be that person.
When your wife is pissed at you for your “rude-ass remark” to her brother who she never sees but also desperately wants to make a baby, you will have sex that night despite her anger.
Angry sex is not as unpleasant as you might think.
Things that Jill probably thinks I’m a dick about
Whole Foods rants
Tipping
Sneakers only
Clarence
Hatred of parades
Her brother
Not converting to Judaism (maybe)
Peter (maybe)
Jake (but maybe justifiably)
NOVEMBER 23
11:20 PM
What I don’t understand about Jake
He owns a sheet-metal fabrication business, but he definitely didn’t grow up wanting to work in sheet-metal fabrication.
He always liked Darth Vader more than Luke Skywalker, even before we knew Darth Vader would kill the Emperor and save the galaxy.
He really likes jazz.
He wears a necktie to holiday dinners even though no one is making him wear one.
I thought he was going to be a rebel.
He seems happy, but he’s a tie-wearing conservative who works in the sheet-metal fabrication industry.
The teenage version of Jake would like this version of Jake.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
If the childhood version of yourself would hate the adulthood version of yourself, you suck at life.
NOVEMBER 24
12:05 AM
Star Wars Stuff
I tell people that I’m a Han Solo guy, but I’m actually a Luke Skywalker guy. I think Han Solo is kind of a dick.
Darth Vader killed billions of innocent people then saved his only son. This did not make him a good guy. Just a selfish practitioner of nepotism.
Chewbacca and the droids are brilliantly designed characters. They aren’t reliant on aging actors, so they can appear in Star Wars movies forever.
Luke Skywalker’s plan to rescue Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt was the most ill-conceived plan in the history of the galaxy. Get everyone captured (including yourself) so the job becomes exponentially more difficult?
NOVEMBER 24
12:20 AM
Jill’s sentences before falling to sleep
“Happy Thanksgiving, honey.”
“Sometimes it’s okay to just let things be. To keep the peace. You know?”
“Tomorrow. Okay? I ate way too much.”
“Jake seemed a little off today. Right?”
“I missed the canned cranberry sauce too. That nuts-and-raisins stuff was bullshit.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
NOVEMBER 24
7:45 PM
Worst things about Black Friday
Working
Jake’s not working
It feels like no one else is working
Stupidest customers of the year
Kids everywhere
Kimberly (also every other day)
“No, we don’t gift wrap.”
“No, we don’t gift wrap.”
“No, we don’t gift wrap.”
“No, we don’t fucking gift wrap.” (in my head)
Not thinking of offering free gift wrapping.
Best things about Black Friday
Most money made since I bought the store
It ended
Other worst things about Black Friday
Sales down 30% from last year’s Black Friday
Steve caught an old lady trying to steal half a dozen magazines and had to call the police
I hid in the office while Steve handled the whole incident
NOVEMBER 25
11:25 PM
Revised List of Ways to Keep Jill from Getting Pregnant
Fake orgasms
Blow jobs only
Number of actual beginning-to-end blow jobs I have received in two years of marriage
0
NOVEMBER 26
9:25 AM
How I ended up at Gillette Stadium
Jake’s buddy Shep had an extra ticket.
The Patriots are “only playing Miami.” (no idea what this means)
Steve and Sharon agreed to cover the store.
Mom made it seem like a big deal to spend the day with Jake and his friends.
“Tony wanted nothing to do with this game.” (no idea what this means either)
Tailgate attendees
Jake
Shep
Teja brothers (2)
Eddie the Norwegian (can’t tell if he’s really from Norway or if they’re just fucking with me)
NOVEMBER 26
10:55 AM
This guy named Shep
Works for a Medicare advocacy organization
Does not strike me as the nonprofit type
Cousin-in-law of Tony (who wanted nothing to do with this game)
Drunk within an hour of arrival
Likes to verbally abuse strangers twice his size in Miami football jerseys
Makes a damn good twice-baked potato
“You don’t like football? Why are you here?”
Made a reference to Sisyphus that I think only I understood
“At least you drink beer. Can’t say the same for Matty.”
Brought salad
Doesn’t look like the salad type
“Why are you always writing shit down?”
I think he’s a libertarian socialist, which shouldn’t be a thing.
A really likeable asshole
NOVEMBER 26
11:45 AM
Why I’m always writing shit down
“I want to write a novel someday.”
“It’s all grist for the mill.”
“My memory is shit.”
Real reasons for lists
Compromise at first with therapist because journaling sucks
Finished with therapist but lists became a habit
Thinking on the page
Makes sense of things
Putting things in lists puts them out of my head and lets me sleep
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
A habit is just an obsession that pretends to be intentional and controllable.
NOVEMBER 26
4:45 PM
Things I don’t understand about football
“This is a meaningless game,” but everyone wants the referee to die.
Why does a football fan prefer to watch the game from really far away in 14-degree temperatures with no clean bathroom for miles?
The tailgate food is very important, very planned, and very plentiful, but it is cooked on a grill that appears to have never been cleaned and caught fire at least once over the course of the day.
Not “covering the spread” (whatever that means) can make an otherwise normal man punch a plastic chair at least a dozen times.
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 2