As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  “More what?”

  “Children.”

  She took a stumbling step back, his words hitting her like a punch to the stomach. That was low, even for him. “Of all the underhanded things you could have said, I never expected that, Kevin.”

  “You’re a wonderful mom—”

  “I have to be!” she shouted, her arms flailing. “How dare you! I begged, I pleaded with you to have more children, and you refused. For eight years I carried around this emptiness until I finally accepted this was all God intended for me to have. We never had more children because you convinced me we shouldn’t. It was always what you wanted. And now—after we’re divorced—you’re suddenly ready to try for more?”

  “I was wrong. Give us another chance. Let me have a shot at giving you what you want. I’m ready. I should have helped more. I should have communicated more, been more affectionate, more patient. I’ll read all the damn books you throw at me, Rebecca, just give me a chance. Together, we can do this.”

  Her entire body was quivering. “You need to leave now.”

  He crowded her, his palm cupping the side of her face. “I’m not just talking. I want you back, Rebecca. I want us back. But this time I want more. I want to work together as a team. I want to date my wife, enjoy my son…try for a daughter. I want to make you happy. I know I’ve been a selfish jerk, but I’ve learned my lesson. Give me one more chance. Please.”

  Her shoulders trembled. There was nothing left to say. Eventually, he stepped away. “Think about what I’m offering. You’re taking a gamble with this guy. You know me, Rebecca. We can rebuild what we’ve lost. We can build something better.” His gaze met hers as he stood silently awaiting a response she didn’t have. After a long moment, his mouth tightened and he nodded, quietly turning away to find their son.

  She vaguely heard him say goodbye to Hunter. As the door closed her face pinched tight and she silently cried. Braydon would be calling soon and she had no idea what to tell him.

  * * * *

  The second Braydon answered the phone he sensed something was wrong. “How’d it go?”

  “Not the way I expected.”

  “Did you two fight?”

  “No, not really.” Her tone was quiet, bewildered in a way that worried him.

  “You sound upset. What happened?”

  “He doesn’t want Hunter living that far away.”

  Understandable, but how much leverage did the man really have? “Does he have legal grounds to stop you from moving?”

  “It isn’t that simple. We’d have to go before a judge to work out the details if we can’t civilly come to an agreement. I’m going to try talking to him again tomorrow.”

  “But tomorrow’s Thursday.” Where did that leave him?

  “I know. I’m going to see about meeting him after I pick up Hunter.”

  Perhaps it was the sense of powerlessness regarding the situation with her ex, or perhaps it was jealousy. Either way, Bray didn’t have a good feeling about the direction things were leading. Whatever was said upset Becca, and he didn’t like the idea of this fool possibly bullying her. “I can come with you. Maybe if Kevin knew me a little better he’d be more comfortable with the situation.”

  “No, I don’t think that would help. I mean, later on I’d like you two to get to know each other, but I don’t think that time is now.”

  His mind went to the house and all the work he’d been doing there. “How long do you think it will take to convince him?” He didn’t want to rush her, but he really wanted to start their life. Becca needed to conclude her business with Kevin in order for that to happen.

  “I don’t know. I need to talk to him again. I took him off guard and he got upset.”

  “Upset how?”

  “Well, at first he was shocked, then he got a little spiteful, maybe even jealous. But then he did a one eighty and started talking about us as a family—”

  “What?” This was a joke. The guy cheated on her and was a shitty father from what he understood. A man like that doesn’t transform that easily.

  “He said that he changed and that he wants a second chance as a family again.”

  He laughed, but when Becca was silent his amusement faded into something dark and disbelieving. “Becca, you know people can’t change that fast. Tell me you know that.”

  “People change. What about everything you told me about Kelly and Luke and Colin?”

  “They’re different.” Not really. They all changed for the people they loved. What if Kevin really did love Becca enough to change? “You’re not actually considering this.”

  She was silent.

  “Becca?”

  “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I love you, Braydon. Every decision I make revolves around my son and what’s best for him. My interest in Kevin only has to do with the kind of father he is to Hunter.”

  It was a tedious topic, but they couldn’t just sweep it under the rug. He wanted to know where they stood. Kevin was full of shit and she needed to realize that. Maybe things would go better if they were face to face. “Do you want me to come over?”

  “Not tonight.”

  He got quiet as the severity of the conversation settled in. He didn’t want to make things harder for her, but at the moment he wanted to shake her and bring her back to reality. Kevin was using Hunter as leverage. Maybe not, but his instinct told him this whole “us as a family” trip was bullshit.

  Maybe Bray was pushing too hard for a decision. But she’d already made up her mind—he thought—and now Kevin was screwing with her head.

  She said she wanted to move to McCullough Mountain. He wanted that too. She was just getting cold feet. This wasn’t about her wanting something else, it was about Kevin and his mind games, using her selfless nature to get what he wanted again with no regard to what would make Becca happy. It was extremely difficult to watch her get manipulated. He had to handle this delicately.

  Sensing she was going to say goodnight, he pleaded his case in the most simplistic way he could think of. “I love you, angel. We’ll figure it all out and I’ll do whatever I can to help. You and I both know where you want to be. We’ll get there. I promise. Get some sleep and call me in the morning.”

  “Thanks.”

  He frowned. No I love you back?

  “Sweet dreams, Becca.”

  “Goodnight, Braydon.”

  The phone disconnected. Making a slow turn around his apartment, he eyed all of the boxes. Staggered by this new development, he wasn’t sure if he should continue packing or hold off. He wandered to the sofa and sat down, his hands sweeping up a stack of documents he’d been going over for work.

  He’d informed Miranda of his plans to relocate and, although she pouted, there wasn’t much she could do to stop him. Becca would eventually see through Kevin’s games. So long as they kept their eye on the prize, she’d get through this and once the ex realized he was offering too little too late, he’d back off.

  Braydon decided to continue with his plans and file the request for relocation tomorrow. This was what Becca said she wanted and he wanted it too. His only wish was that he didn’t have the tension that was now crawling up his spine and the fear of losing everything in the last leg of the race.

  * * * *

  Two days later Becca sat at lunch with Carla and Nikki, filling them in on her life’s latest drama.

  “Noooooo,” Carla breathed, clanking down her café latte. “Are you out of your mind? He cheated on you, Becca. The man is pond scum.”

  Becca had been expecting a reaction like this. “I know, but you should have heard him. He seemed so genuine and honestly sorry. He’s never talked to me like that before. We actually had a rational conversation about Hunter and his upcoming IEP meeting. Kevin’s never gotten involved with that stuff.”

  Carla’s eyes were huge. “You’re making a mistake. It’s easy to talk about that stuff. Doing it’s a whole other ball game. You’re looking at this from Hunter’s point o
f view. I assure you, Kevin’s only thinking about himself.” She turned to her sister. “Nikki, talk some sense into her.”

  Nikki seemed more reserved. Rather than her usual outgoing self, she wore an expression usually saved for boardrooms and negotiations. “He’s her husband.”

  “He’s an asshole,” Carla snapped.

  “True,” Nikki agreed. “But if he’s serious, maybe they could actually make this work. They have ten years and a child together. Who knows?”

  “I know!” Carla pleaded. “Come on! We’ve heard this song before. It’s played out. Kevin promises to get more involved and maybe shows up for a meeting. Becca does all the talking and he gets bored. He maybe washes a few dishes and tucks Hunter in a few times, but eventually she’s doing everything by herself again. Becca, please don’t fall for his crap. You’re happy. He’ll only make you miserable again. You love Braydon.”

  “Maybe it’s possible to love two men.”

  “No. No, no, no, no. See who the good guy is here, Becca. It’s not Kevin.”

  Her shoulders slumped. The way she loved Braydon was very different from the emotions she held for Kevin. His was an obligatory love, a shared concern for their child no one else in this world would ever compete with. But Braydon…he set her heart on fire. “He’s Hunter’s father.”

  “Yes, he donated sperm.”

  “Carla,” Nikki warned.

  “What? How could you condone this?”

  Nikki’s expression was blank, but her eyes appeared weary. “It’s Becca’s life. If this is something she needs to do then who are we to stop her? What goes on behind the closed doors of a marriage is between a husband and wife. None of us really know Kevin the way she does. Maybe there’re some redeeming qualities in him after all.”

  “Thank you, Nikki.” But Becca wasn’t fully convinced. She was, however, one hundred percent confused.

  Carla snatched up her latte. “I think it’s a mistake.”

  Nikki’s expression turned sharp, the same way it did when she seized a deal. “I’m sure Becca knows what she’s risking. Braydon isn’t the type of man to wait around after a woman leaves him for someone else. He’s gorgeous and he’d have no trouble finding company. If Becca chooses to try again with Kevin she knows what the stakes are, don’t you Becca?”

  She couldn’t breathe. Whatever she had for lunch now sat like a cannonball in her stomach. In a small voice she whispered, “I’m just trying to figure out what’s best for Hunter. I have no intentions of rekindling a personal relationship with Kevin. I only want him to have a good relationship with Hunter and moving away might destroy that.”

  “A happy mom is best for Hunter,” Carla said. “Braydon makes you happy. Kevin did nothing but make you sad. Fuck that toad. As your BFF it’s my job to tell you when you’re considering something very, very stupid. Nikki doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s drunk.”

  “I’m not drunk. We’re drinking coffee! I’m sober as a nun. You on the other hand…” Nikki turned to Becca. “If you and Kevin got back together, would you actually be able to…”

  Her mind rejected the suggestion immediately. “Oh, no, it wouldn’t be like that.”

  “Like what?” Carla asked, a look of aggravated confusion pinching her face. “Sex? Are we talking about sex? Sex with…” She silently gagged. “Kevin?”

  “That’s not even on my radar,” Becca said. “Right now I’m just trying to figure out my address.”

  It was difficult to imagine mild gestures of affection with Kevin, let alone passionate ones. Her utmost concern was if they were compatible on a conversation level. Parenting required communication, which had been an issue for them in the past. The trust needed for intimacy might never be possible again for them and it wasn’t something she was considering. No need to bog down an already complicated decision with more complications.

  “It’s like a death sentence,” Carla mumbled into her latte. “Letting him come back would be like living on death row. I’d take the chair before the bed any day.”

  Placing her elbows on the table, Becca pressed her face into her palms and massaged her temples. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “What’s GQ say?”

  “He hasn’t said much. He’s been sort of quiet, but I know he suspects something’s up. I told him what Kevin asked for. He’s just so damn understanding. But I feel him pulling back. Last night he didn’t call me. He knew I was meeting Kevin again and I thought he would have called me afterward to see how everything went, but he didn’t. I don’t know if he’s that confident I’ll figure all this out or if—for once—he’s actually scared.”

  “Awww.” Carla pouted.

  “Did you talk to him this morning?”

  “Through text. Just a good morning. He didn’t ask about last night.”

  “He’s scared,” Carla said, her brows peaking with sympathy. “You’ve gone and frightened the poor mountain boy. Not nice, Becca.”

  No, she didn’t feel very nice at all. As a matter of fact she felt like a monster. Why was this happening when she thought she had her mind finally made up? She’d been so certain, and Kevin changed all that, making her second-guess everything. She loved Braydon. She loved Kevin too, but that had more to do with him being the father of her child than anything else, that and the fact that they had a decade of memories together.

  She groaned. “I don’t want to make difficult decisions.”

  “Then don’t. Just hide in your house away from all the stressful people of the world like I do. Introvert is the new cool.”

  “Don’t listen to her,” Nikki said, patting Becca’s arm. “She’s an idiot.”

  Hunter loved Kevin. Maybe she was being selfish moving him away from his father. Did her son love Braydon as well? Hunter didn’t express sentiments such as love, so there was no way of knowing for sure.

  “Becs, you don’t have to decide anything yet,” Nikki said. “No one said you have to move right now. Take some time. Put some space between you and both men and see where your heart leads you.”

  “Go to the mountain,” Carla hissed.

  It had only been two days since Kevin announced his wishes of reconciling. Maybe Nikki was right. That wasn’t a lot of time to make a life altering decision. And for all she knew Kevin might not feel so determined in a week or so.

  The last thing she wanted to do was hurt anyone. She didn’t want to hurt Hunter, Kevin, or Braydon. She only wanted to do the right thing.

  Wasn’t the nuclear family the way things were meant to be? She and Braydon were still in the honeymoon stages. Who knew if their relationship had the longevity to make it? Who knew if Braydon really understood what he was asking for?

  She glanced at her phone. No missed calls or texts. It was almost one o’clock. “Do you care if I take the rest of the day off, Nikki? I have a pounding headache.”

  “Sure, sweetie. Take whatever you need.”

  “This is why I hate leaving my house. It’s depressing.” Carla stood. “I love you, Becs. Don’t be an idiot. That man loves you. And if you don’t end up with him, how am I ever going to seduce his tattooed brother?”

  “He’s married.” Nikki reprimanded her sister.

  “What?” Carla shrugged innocently. “People get sick. Accidents happen.”

  “Carla!” They both snapped.

  “Too soon?”

  “Never appropriate,” Becca said with a small laugh. Carla may not have helped her make a decision, but she always made her smile. Another thing she’d miss if she moved away.

  She left the girls and drove straight home. When she pulled into the driveway her van slowed as she noticed Kevin’s car already in the garage. What was he doing there?

  Climbing out of the front seat she noted the boxes stacked along the wall. Maybe he finally came to get the rest of his crap.

  Quickly entering through the garage, she called for him. “Kevin?”

  “In the hall.”

  She followed his voice a
nd a strange scraping sound coming from that direction. Her steps halted when she spotted the small bucket filled with plaster in his hand. “What are you doing?”

  “Fixing some of these holes.”

  It was jarring, her husband dressed down and spackling dents in her home. Kevin didn’t perform manual labor. Was he fixing the holes to help her sell the house or—no, she wasn’t going there.

  “You’re home early.” He smiled, throwing her off again. She couldn’t recall the last time he grinned at her like that, without malice or narrowed eyes.

  “How long have you been here?” He shouldn’t be able to enter her home when she wasn’t there. Sure, it used to be his home, but now the house belonged to her. He only had a key for emergencies with Hunter.

  “About an hour. I also put a new trap in the kitchen sink.”

  She’d nagged him about that trap for close to a year. Funny, when he left she’d never got around to fixing it. She should have said thank you, but the words wouldn’t come.

  Dumping the putty blade into the bucket he stood and faced her. “You don’t look so good, Rebecca. Are you okay?”

  She rubbed her forehead. “I have a migraine.”

  “Oh.” His expression turned concerned.

  She used to get migraines all the time, but hadn’t had one in a while. Kevin was never very sympathetic to how torturous these types of headaches could be.

  His hand lightly touched her arm and she stilled. “Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down. I’ll get you some medicine and a cold cloth for your head.”

  Taken off guard, she nodded slowly. Her temples pounded, speaking was becoming difficult, and she’d seemed to be in some Twilight Zone where Kevin was considerate. The fact that Kevin was suddenly offering her some much-needed aid threw her for a major loop. “Okay.”

  When she reached her room, she slipped out of her work clothes and changed into soft cotton pants and a shirt. Removing the hairpins that felt like daggers, she sifted her fingers through the strands and loosened a bit of the tension gripping her scalp.