“Braydon, don’t.”
“Do you?” Ice wrapped around his heart.
“He’s the father of my child.”
“Leave Hunter out of it. Do. You. Still. Love. Him?”
“I…I’ll always love him.”
A part of him he couldn’t name—perhaps his soul—seemed to crack in two at her words. Face tense, he tried to hide how badly her confession wounded him, but his composure was quickly slipping. Forcing back every emotion threatening to take over his common sense, he stood. “Right.”
“Braydon, wait.”
He couldn’t look at her. “For what, Becca? What the hell is this?” Though he spoke out of hurt and anger, his voice remained low. He’d lost the last of his fight. “You’re supposed to move in with me to a house I’ve designed for us, and now you’re telling me you still love your ex? Where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know. It isn’t like the love I have for you, but it also isn’t something I can ignore, because I have to consider my son. We have a history.”
He laughed coldly as he stared at the floor. “Now you two sound alike.”
“What do you mean?”
“He just said the same thing to me in the kitchen.”
“I don’t think you can understand unless you’ve been married.”
It wasn’t fair for her to hold his inexperience against him. “I don’t think you can understand unless you’ve had a good marriage.”
“That’s not fair.”
“None of this is fair. And fair or not, it’s the truth, Becca.” He’d never been angry with her, but he was now.
“You knew I had a past—”
He couldn’t listen anymore. Turning to her, he hissed, “You’re divorced! Don’t make it like I got involved with a woman only separated from her husband, standing on shaky ground. The night we met those papers were signed and sealed. He had his chance and he ruined it. You’re giving him second chances before we’ve even had one!”
A tear tripped past her lashes. “It’s not a second chance for me and Kevin. It’s a second chance for Hunter. I love you, Braydon. But Hunter will always be my first priority. This isn’t about restoring a relationship between Kevin and me. It’s about him and Hunter. I wish you would understand that.”
“A relationship that doesn’t include me.” He shook his head. “He wants you, Becca. Don’t be naïve.”
“I can’t control that. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe this is all temporary, but taking Hunter away at the first sign of interest his father’s shown in years doesn’t feel right. I just…need some time.”
He couldn’t listen any more. He wanted to shake her until she saw sense. Self-preservation stepped in and he shut his eyes, knowing there would be no resolution in his favor—at least not on this day. “Well, let me make it easier on you. How about you call me when you’ve made up your mind and know for certain what it is you want? I’ve been second choice enough times in my life. It’s about fucking time someone chose me first.”
Taking two clipped strides to the door, he left, not having the courage to face Hunter and say goodnight, nor the restraint not to punch Kevin in his smug face.
He worked hard at not remembering the desolate look his ultimatum put on Becca’s face. Part of him was so furious he wanted her to suffer, because he wasn’t sure anyone had ever hurt him so deeply. He loved her, but love didn’t excuse certain behaviors.
As much as he admired her day-to-day strength, playing the martyr was a tendency she needed to address. He was offering her a partnership. He had no interest in recreating her past. He wanted to give her a different future, but she had to let go. Until she grasped that, there’d be no progress.
Help he could do. Watching the woman he loved paint herself the victim he couldn’t abide. He was the lifeline. Kevin was the old battered raft she’d nearly drowned by. They’d never stay afloat when so much was tied into her relationship with her ex.
Chapter Fifteen
Standing outside of Braydon’s apartment, Becca drew in a slow, jagged breath and lifted her hand to knock. She wasn’t sure if he was home, or if she was making yet another mistake, but she knew she needed to see him. It had been a week and every minute that passed without him abraded her heart.
The door opened and Braydon stilled. He didn’t greet her or even offer a welcoming smile. She deserved his coldness.
“Hi.”
His gaze ran over her features as though searching for answers she didn’t have. The passing week had been an awakening, a taste of what may come. Kevin had been actively participating in their days and Hunter was thriving under the newfound consistency of both parents being present in his daily life. Yet Becca had never felt so hollow and alone.
Braydon must have discerned something in her, because he swallowed and his expression only turned more closed off. “What are you doing here, Becca?”
What was she doing there? If only she knew. On the floor behind him were boxes of belongings and stacks of old newspapers. He was moving ahead, with or without them.
Her face lowered. “I don’t know.”
She wasn’t sure what she expected, but she couldn’t blame him for leaving, not when she knew, deep down he wanted to be back home. She’d not given him much of a choice. And no matter how much this seemed like her own foolish doing, she hadn’t felt like she’d had much choice either. No matter how much she wanted to go with him, Hunter came first.
Her chest shook as she breathed, fighting back the deluge of tears and pain that had been beating at her for days on end. She hadn’t slept. She was unable to concentrate at work. She was starved for his affection, and the pain of having such an offering removed was simply too much.
“Have you changed your mind?” he asked.
No, she was as confused as ever. Her stagnant position of indecision left her in a state of inertia, the world moving on without her at a pace her life didn’t allow. It was how it had always been and how it would likely always be. Perhaps letting him go was the most merciful thing she could do for him, but a selfish part of her wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
“I still love you.”
His face pinched, his eyes pleading for more. She couldn’t give him more, but she could try to explain what he meant to her.
“No one will ever touch me the way you do, Braydon.” She swallowed. “This hurts. It never hurt like this before. I never had such a hard time putting everyone else first, because I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you. But I can’t have you without taking something essential away from my son.”
“Stop.” He turned, his head shaking in a show of denial. When he faced her again his expression was blank.
No one would ever look at her the way Braydon did. No one would hold her and love her as thoroughly as he. The more time that passed, the more she sensed him coming to terms with their end, but she wasn’t quite ready to accept such a fate.
“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have come here, but I needed to see you.”
Her life ahead would be bleak and lonely. Though Kevin openly expressed a desire to rekindle parts of their past, parts not having to do with their son, it was out of the question. Becca would close off that part of herself, because she had no interest in a meager imitation of intimacy, not after she’d experienced true closeness with Braydon.
His eyes closed. “Have you changed your mind, Becca?”
“No,” she whispered, her heart breaking. She wanted to ask him to wait, to be patient. If Kevin’s presence faded, she’d be gone. That could still happen, but she had no right to ask Braydon to put his future on hold.
He sighed. “Do you want to come inside?”
Surprised, her face tipped up, her gaze fastening to his as her vision quivered and tears wet her cheeks. “Yes.”
He stepped back and held the door. Crossing the threshold in a sort of trance, she stepped into his apartment, but made no move to remove her coat. Afraid to even whisper a word, she stayed silent. She d
idn’t want to argue. She just…needed him.
Her fingers traced over the tape pressed to the seal of a box labeled books. He really was leaving. What would a life without Braydon be like? Her shoulders shook as she started to cry.
When the weight of his arms pressed around her, she shattered. From the beginning she’d warned him her life was complicated and tried to remind herself how dangerous it was to hope. Her foolish heart hadn’t listened and now it was breaking. Yet she saw no way to remove the obstacles. Kevin was Hunter’s father and she couldn’t deny him a day-to-day life with his son because she wanted to run off and fall in love.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered, his lips pressing to the back of her neck.
Wracked with shame at involving him in her turmoil, she couldn’t seem to stem the tears. She’d never meant to hurt him. Every touch was a cruel reminder of what she’d be giving up.
His chest pressed to her back as his hands slowly crept around her arms, his fingers unbuttoning her coat. He circled her, as she stood unmoving. His palms cupped her jaw, tilting her face until she met his gaze. She’d miss looking into those beautiful blue eyes.
“Don’t cry,” he repeated quietly, kissing away her tears.
Her body trembled as his lips pressed to her cheeks, her eyes. No one would ever touch her like that again. When his mouth ghosted over hers, pain unraveled in her chest and she shivered, allowing reality to cut her deep as her tears passed by like secret whispers of a love only they knew.
His kiss became firm, coaxing, and her head tilted, allowing him to take what he sought and surrendering to whatever he might offer. There was no punishment to his touch, only gentle acceptance. Perhaps he needed this as much as she did, even though it changed no part of their reality.
Her coat slid from her shoulders and whispered to the floor. They were only suspending actuality. Tonight would change nothing, and perhaps make the inevitable all the more unbearable, but she didn’t possess the will to tell him no. Nor did she own a desire to stop him.
His face pressed to her throat and he breathed in her scent. Fingers skated beneath the hem of her shirt, searching. Her body leaned into his, stealing his warmth, his strength, balancing on shared sadness. They held each other. It was a strange sort of acknowledgement, as they both seemed to accept that this would be the last time.
He lifted her and her limbs wrapped around him as he carried her to his bed. Ironic that this was where it all began and this was where it would end. As the mattress pressed into her back, his weight blanketed her front. Her pants were removed, his mouth marking a trail up her legs.
Her belly quivered as he kissed her intimate places she couldn’t imagine sharing with anyone else. Her voice was vacant, afraid if she spoke she’d beg him to stay. She arched as he pleasured her, fingers sifting through his curls as she memorized the silken weight of his hair in her hands.
His lips traveled over her belly and slowly teased her breasts. He didn’t ask permission and there was no need. She belonged to him in a way she’d never belonged to another. When he entered her, the pain in her heart unraveled and seeped from her being in cold tears.
His face pressed to her shoulder as he slowly made love to her. Deep, deliberate thrusts rocked them as one. There was no purpose, no objective of pleasure, only a mutual need to be together one last time.
His body tensed and shivered. Her fingers traced over his strong back as she trembled, filling her.
“Stay,” he whispered into her shoulder.
Chills coalesced over her skin as she spoke the truth. This was all they would ever have. “I can’t.”
His forehead pressed heavily into her shoulder as he sighed, defeated. She hated herself.
He slowly withdrew, stealing away parts of herself she didn’t know she could live without. As he rolled to his side, facing away from her, she silently sobbed. It was as though he couldn’t bear to watch her leave.
“Braydon…”
He didn’t reply. His broad back was all she could see as his face remained turned away. Quietly, she forced herself off the bed and located her clothing. He remained turned away as she silently dressed. Staring back at him one last time, her fingers trembled to her lips. She’d hurt him enough and had to go. “You’ll always be in my heart, Braydon. There’s no amount of time or distance that can diminish my love for you. And letting you go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m sorry.”
Lowering her head, she returned to the living room, picked her coat off the floor and quietly left. There had never been a more difficult journey than the steps she took away from him.
* * * *
Braydon had never spent a Christmas alone. Yet something kept him in the city, not ready to return home empty handed. As he wandered through the mall, most of the gates pulled shut over the storefronts, he aimlessly considered what he was doing.
He shouldn’t have let her in when she came to his apartment the other night, but he lacked the will to tell her to go. Though it pained him to no end to see she’d not changed her mind and they were moving on, moving apart, he couldn’t resist the opportunity to hold her one last time, feel her body around his, wear her scent on his skin.
Becca had called a few times after that, but eventually he’d stopped answering. Every conversation was a merry-go-round of unresolved regret, repeating her wavering words that had ripped out his heart. He loved her and thought she loved him, but with all of her indecision, it was clear he’d misjudged their relationship.
She was staying in the city and he was going home. Her last message proved she’d made no decision and his self-preservation insisted he force some space between them, no matter how much his heart objected.
To his understanding, Kevin was not living with her, but he was spending a lot of time at the house with her and Hunter. He was happy for Hunter, believing the boy deserved a chance to have an active father. But admitting this did nothing to curb the agony of loss he was suffering.
Deep down he knew Kevin had manipulated her, dangling his relationship with Hunter at her nose, and he knew damn well, she’d never put her needs before her son’s. Hunter would always be her first priority. That was one of the reasons Braydon loved her. He never expected it to be the reason he lost her.
“A last minute trinket for your holiday sweetheart, sir?”
Braydon stilled, pulling out of his trance as a woman manning a kiosk full of winter baubles beckoned his attention. He glanced at her wares, seeing various snow globes, teddy bears, and candles.
Stepping closer, his attention snagged on a globe with only a park bench on a black path. The globe filled his palm, weighing heavy in his hand as he tipped it. A hundred white flakes spun in a small tornado exposing a red heart hidden amongst the flurries. “How much is this?”
“Ten dollars, but you can have it for eight.”
He considered the other items. There was a small globe with a black locomotive inside. “I’ll take both of these.”
She carefully bagged up his purchase, wrapping each gift individually in a small red bag with green checked tissue. There were wiser things to do than see Becca one last time, but knowing he would be leaving soon, he couldn’t seem to deny himself the chance. It was Christmas and she was all he’d hoped for. Perhaps he might find some magic after all.
Braydon managed the roads slowly as they had started to ice over. When he reached Becca’s the windows glowed against the dark night. Taking a deep breath, he gathered his gifts and exited the car.
Approaching the door, his hand lifted to knock, but stilled. Through the glass he spotted Hunter. He was laughing. Braydon’s gaze searched for what caused such a wonderful smile, and he spotted Becca and Kevin sitting beside him on the floor.
Putting aside all opinions he held for the other man, he watched the scene for what it was—a family sharing a Christmas. Though Becca and Kevin were not sitting close, the three of them formed a sort of whole. Who was Braydon to interfere with such rare harmony? It was then tha
t he realized this was what she was holding on to.
Years ago, she’d married a man in hopes of having what she’d always wanted—family. Though Kevin had not been the perfect father or an honorable husband, Becca had been a good wife and deserved the life she was promised. Hunter had been a surprise in more ways than one, but she’d adapted, rising to every challenge and conquering every obstacle along the way.
He’d never loved anyone the way he loved her, and something about that love, perhaps the genuine truth of it, gave him pause. No matter what he wanted for himself, he always hoped she’d be happy. Perhaps loving her meant letting her go.
Stepping back, he tucked the two gift bags on her porch beside the hibernating plant and returned to his car. Glancing back one last time, he looked into the bow window at the front of the house. Becca smiled and laughed. It was a picture he’d never forget, one that would haunt him as much as comfort him as he moved forward with his life.
His only hope was that she found reason to smile like that every day. Maybe one day he’d smile again too.
* * * *
Braydon taped the last box shut and sighed. All that was left in his apartment were a few empty bottles to take down to the recycling and his laptop. He’d been so enthusiastic about this decision three weeks ago, but since the holidays he’d been on auto-pilot, worrying he was making an enormous mistake.
His family had been so thrilled to have him home and see him start this chapter of his life. He finally had to break it to his mother that he’d be returning home alone. The hurt in her voice was comparable to what he was experiencing on the inside. If anyone was his champion in this world, it was his big-hearted mum.
A knock sounded from the door and he stilled. Every nerve in his body pulled taut as he sucked in a breath. Had she changed her mind? So many times he refused to accept the turn of things, insisting this had to be a dream. Maybe the nightmare was finally over.
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