‘Alice!’ Pip couldn’t help the remonstrative exclamation but, it was lost in Alice’s continued shouting.
‘We were fine before you came along. Now Nona’s going to die and Mummy doesn’t have time for me any more and…and I hate you.’
Pip tried again. ‘Alice, you can’t say that.’
‘I can, too.’ Alice was fumbling with the door catch. ‘It’s true. And I hate you, too. Go away. Go and live with Toni and have babies and see if I care.’
‘I’m not going to do that, Alice.’
‘I don’t care!’ Alice flung the door open and jumped out. She was crying now but still managed to shout between the racking sobs. ‘Have lots of babies. Sing them all the special ottipuss song. I. Don’t. Care!’
Stunned, Pip got out of the car. Alice had left the front door wide open and she heard her daughter’s bedroom door slamming as she entered the house.
‘Let her go,’ Toni advised quietly. ‘She’s not going to hear anything you want to say to her until she’s had time to calm down a little.’
He was probably right but it went against every instinct Pip had. She needed to hold her child. To rock her. To reassure her that she was deeply loved. And wanted. And she would do that—just as soon as Alice would let her close enough.
Until then it seemed to be Pip’s turn to be held and comforted but, for the first time, it didn’t feel right to be in Toni’s arms. There was something a little stiff and awkward about the embrace—almost as if they were strangers. His body felt tense. Clearly, he was upset as well. When Pip went to pull away, Toni released her instantly. So fast, in fact, that Pip had to wonder if he’d let go even before she’d started to move.
Was he upset at simply being involved in this horrible conflict between her and Alice? More than that? Oh…yes. Pip remembered that shocked sound from him when he’d taken more than she intended from her words of reassurance to Alice. But he couldn’t really expect her to want to think about or discuss the future right now, would he? Whether it was possible she would ever want another child when this had to be the time she’d felt more of a failure as a parent than ever before?
‘I had no idea,’ she said slowly, closing the front door behind them, ‘that Alice felt anything like that.’
‘I do understand where she’s coming from, even if Alice doesn’t believe me,’ Toni said soberly. ‘I’ve always hated my own mother for not wanting me.’
‘But I did want Alice.’ To have Toni taking Alice’s side was almost as shocking as her daughter’s attack had been. She turned swiftly to face him. ‘I know I needed a lot of help looking after her, but I was only sixteen, for God’s sake! And it wasn’t my idea to go back to school and then to go to university. I got talked into it and there didn’t seem to be a good enough reason not to go. Alice was too young to understand the difference between the people who loved her and looked after her. She was happy.’
‘She’s not very happy at the moment.’
Rubbing that in was cruel. And unnecessary. Pip could suddenly understand Alice shouting at Toni. She barely stopped herself doing the same. The bubble of responsibility she felt for upsetting Toni evaporated. So did any intention of trying to discuss this from his perspective. Of telling him she hadn’t meant to deny the chance of a future together. She couldn’t think of anyone but Alice right now.
‘Of course she’s not happy,’ she said with tight control. ‘Her grandmother’s dying. She’s trying to find a way of dealing with that and it’s too much for her. She’s sad and angry and looking for someone to blame. Me.’
Pip’s control slipped and she buried her face in her hands. ‘I shouldn’t have told her the truth. Not yet. Mum was right—she’s got too many things changing all at once.’
Alice wasn’t the only one with too many things changing all at once.
Toni stood there in the hallway near the front door, wanting to take Pip in his arms to try and reassure her, but what if she just pulled away like she had only moments ago?
It was hard not to feel rejected with that vehement declaration of Alice’s still ringing in his ears.
She hated him.
And a phrase Pip had uttered was vying for equal prominence.
‘That’s not going to happen,’ she’d said.
What wasn’t going to happen? At the time Toni had dismissed the shock of her words and assumed Pip was reassuring Alice that her daughter was still going to be important in her life, no matter what. A part of her new family if she did marry Toni and they had their own children.
But right now, as Toni stood with his arms by his sides, miserably checking the impulse to hold Pip—in the wake of her pulling away from his comfort—that first meaning that had occurred to him seemed far more likely to be the correct one‥
What wasn’t going to happen was a future with him.
Was it possible he had made a terrible mistake?
That he’d given away so much of his heart to Pip that it could never be whole again if she wasn’t in his life and that she didn’t feel the same way about him? And never would?
The seconds ticked past. Awkward seconds. Pip had taken her hands from her face and had been staring in the direction Alice had taken down the hallway towards the bedrooms. When she looked up at Toni, her expression was desolate.
‘She blames me for everything. I’ve messed things up completely, haven’t I?’
‘No.’ Toni’s smile was wry. ‘It’s all my fault, remember? Alice hates me.’
‘She hates me, too.’
For bringing Toni into her life on top of everything else Alice perceived that Pip had done wrong as a parent.
A flash of something akin to amusement showed in Pip’s eyes. They were both hated, which could actually deepen the bond between them. Except that Pip couldn’t afford to let that happen, could she? Not if she didn’t see a future together. Not if she wanted to repair the damage in her relationship with her daughter.
‘No.’ Toni spoke more seriously this time. ‘It’s me that Alice is really resenting. She needs you and she sees me as competition. Me being here is making things harder…for you all.’
Would Pip try and reassure him in some way? Perhaps even give them the chance to discuss that damning denial of the future he’d been dreaming of with the sound of small feet and happy laughter filling his house?
He wanted to touch her. To remind her how much he loved her, but that would be begging for reassurance, wouldn’t it? For the sake of his pride as much as not wanting to force the issue, Toni had to make himself wait for Pip’s response.
A response that was slow in coming.
Too slow.
She certainly wasn’t inclined to grasp the opportunity to silence that negative little voice in his head that was replaying things said under duress. He was upset as well and Pip’s silence stirred the unpleasant emotion enough to make him go a step further.
‘Maybe you need some time as a family. The way you used to be. Without me.’
Pip was staring at him but he couldn’t read her expression. Couldn’t find the reassurance that his offer might not be welcome. And it hurt.
She must know that he was doing more than offering her some space. That he was really asking if she wanted him as part of her life.
If she wanted him.
Pip opened her mouth to speak but then had to close it again. What could she say? She had feared this moment would come. That her baggage would become too much of a burden and that Toni would want to distance himself.
This was the perfect opportunity, wasn’t it? Alice had made it very clear that she resented Toni and his relationship with her mother. He would have to be very determined that he wanted a future with her to weather a storm like this.
If she told him what she wanted to say—that she couldn’t imagine being able to cope without the kind of strength he gave her—would it come across as being needy and scare him even further away?
Or, worse, would it open the can of worms regarding how he saw th
eir future if he did stay to help her through yet another family crisis? If he told her that having his own family was paramount, it would add a new pressure. An additional facet to the emotional forces laying siege to her life. Pip couldn’t handle that.
Not tonight.
And maybe Toni was offering this space because that was what he wanted himself. An escape. And why wouldn’t he? Pip could see this from his point of view so easily. His own mother had failed him miserably. He was currently in a ringside seat to observe Pip’s failure with her own daughter. Would he wish that on any children of his own? Not likely.
But could Pip summon the dignity to let him have that escape if that was what he was really asking for? Could she do it in a civilised fashion even?
‘I do need to talk to Alice,’ she said finally. ‘To try and make her understand.’
‘Of course. I’ll go home.’
‘I’ll see you tomorrow?’ Pip couldn’t help sounding hopeful. ‘At work?’
‘Of course.’ Toni paused, his fingers gripping the doorhandle. His smile seemed different. Distant. Then he raised an eyebrow. ‘What did Alice mean?’ he asked, ‘by the “special ottipuss” song?’
‘I used to sing to her to get her to sleep when she a baby,’ Pip responded softly. ‘It was a Beatles’ song— “The Octopus’s Garden”. Only she was too little to be able to pronounce it.’
‘How old was she?’
‘Less than two.’ Pip had stopped singing that song after she’d gone away to medical school. ‘I’m amazed she remembers it.’
‘Some things are never forgotten, Pippa.’
So true. Like the look Toni was giving her right now. An uncomfortable look as though he was upset because he knew he might be hurting her by walking out like this but couldn’t help himself. He needed to escape.
She had to be strong.
She had to think about Alice right now.
Her daughter.
Part of herself. A part that was torn and bleeding right now. A part that had nothing to do with Toni, no matter how much she loved him.
Why hadn’t she heeded those warnings that Alice resented how quickly and deeply Toni had become part of their lives? No wonder she felt shut out and unable to cope with Shona’s illness. How selfish had Pip been, letting her relationship become so important?
As selfish as she’d been pursuing the career she’d dreamed of and letting her mother shoulder ninety per cent of the upbringing of her young child?
No wonder Alice had felt the need to attack her.
For being an inadequate mother.
For appearing to abandon Alice for the second time in her short life. For choosing an education and now for choosing a lover—at the worst possible time—when Alice needed her more than she ever had.
It felt wrong to Pip to be standing here like this, debating whether there was anything else she could say to Toni that would make him—and herself—feel better. She had almost made a joke of Alice hating them both equally—as though they were both her real parents. She should be trying to get through to Alice even if there was no hope of succeeding just yet. Otherwise, Alice could accuse her of not caring enough to even try.
Something else was hurting, too, quite apart from the thought that Toni was pulling away from their relationship. His query about that long discarded song had evoked a powerful memory. Another one of those things that could never be forgotten.
The memory of holding a tiny, warm, sweet-smelling body. The tickle of soft red-gold curls as Pip bent into the cot to kiss her daughter goodnight.
The feeling of the bond that had always been there but had been buried under layers of unwelcome feelings. Of being inadequate. Too young. Too alone. Too uneducated.
None of those excuses held water any more.
Except maybe being alone because Toni was leaving now with no more than a nod of parting.
The click of the front door closing behind him had a finality that completed the downward slide of an evening from hell. One that seemed to have been scripted purely for the purpose of breaking Pip’s heart.
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE children’s ward had never looked so festive.
The paediatrician heading for the treatment room had never felt so bleak.
‘Dr Costa! Look at me!’
A tiny child was propelling a custom-built wheelchair at speed along the central corridor of the paediatric ward and came to a halt, barely missing Toni’s toes.
The small boy was wearing a Superman costume. The mask was far too big, covering most of his face, but the misshapen body in the chair would have been instantly recognisable in any case.
Toni sounded as puzzled as possible, however. ‘Goodness me, who can this be?’
‘It’s me!’ The mask was dragged upwards. ‘Nathan. See?’
‘So it is! I’d never have guessed.’
Nathan beamed at him. He knew perfectly well that his doctor was being less than honest but it was the correct response. The familiar broad grin of this long-term patient was welcome. Nathan had spent far too many of his six years in and out of hospital to deal with the management and complications of his physical abnormalities but he never seemed to resent any of it. His mission in life was clearly to have as much fun as possible and nobody could resist the uplifting effect of his personality.
Even Toni, the way he had been feeling for days now. Ever since Pip had apparently accepted his offer to step out of her life.
‘It’s Hallowe’ en,’ Nathan informed Toni. ‘And I’m going in the parade!’
‘So am I.’ Eight-year-old Jasmine, sporting a pair of sky-blue fairy wings and wielding a glittery wand in a rather menacing fashion, emerged from the nearby bathroom.
‘Cool bananas,’ Toni said, still smiling.
This celebration had been planned for weeks. Parents, nurses, physiotherapists, occupational therapists and everybody else concerned with the wellbeing of the children in this ward had been using the calendar date as inspiration to keep their young patients motivated, distracted or just amused. Masks and costumes had been made or hired and all those well enough were going to go on a pre-planned ‘trick or treat’ parade through carefully primed areas of the hospital such as the geriatric wards, cafeteria, pharmacy, the waiting area of the emergency department and even the chapel.
A baby with a pumpkin hat that took attention away from the dressings covering a recently repaired cleft palate and hare-lip was carried past, and an older girl with a nasal cannula supplying oxygen from a tank she pushed in front of her had the cylinder disguised with a large bunch of straw that had a stick poking up from the centre.
‘It’s my broom,’ she told Toni when he raised his eyebrows.
‘You’re going as a sweeper, Jodi?’
‘No, silly.’ Jodi had to catch her breath. The chest infection complicating management of her cystic fibrosis was not yet conquered. ‘I’m going to be…a witch. Mum’s bringing…my costume.’
Another wheelchair came to clutter the part of the corridor Toni had stopped in and a nurse carrying one of their young arthritic patients, who was looking extra-cute in a tiger suit, shook her head.
‘I might have known,’ she said. ‘If there’s a traffic jam of kids anywhere, it’ll be Dr Costa in the middle of it.’
Toni eyed her headband that had sparkling red devil’s horns attached. ‘Very appropriate, Mandy.’ He nodded approvingly.
The nurse sniffed. ‘I’ll find a costume for you, don’t worry.’
‘That won’t be necessary.’
‘What? You’re not coming on the parade?’ Several sets of horrified eyes were glued on Toni.
‘Of course I’m coming.’ He may not feel anything like as enthusiastic as he managed to sound but the delight displayed by Nathan and his fellow ward members made the effort worthwhile.
‘What are you…coming as?’ Jodi asked.
‘Hmm, let me think.’ Toni kept up a thoughtful silence but was uninspired. ‘Maybe I could come as…a doctor?�
� He waggled the end of the stethoscope hanging round his neck but the children all shook their heads sadly.
Mandy giggled. ‘You’ll have to do better than that.’
Toni was spared any further efforts by another nurse appearing in a nearby doorway.
‘We’re ready for you, Toni.’
He escaped to the relative security of the treatment room where an anxious mother was waiting, holding a ten-month-old girl.
‘You’ve had this procedure explained to you?’ Toni queried.
‘Yes. I wish there was a different way to get the urine specimen, though. It seems horrible, having to stick a needle through Emily’s stomach.’
‘It’s a very fine needle,’ Toni assured her. ‘And a quick procedure. I’ll be very gentle.’
‘Is it really necessary?’
Toni nodded. ‘It’s important that we find the source of Emily’s infection so we can make sure we’ve got her on the right antibiotics. This won’t take long but she’s not going to be happy about us doing it. Would you rather the nurse looked after her and you waited back in Emily’s room?’
Relief and worry vied to take over Emily’s mother’s expression. ‘Would that be all right? I’d feel terrible leaving her.’
‘If it’s going to upset you, then it’s probably better for Emily if you’re not here. We’ll get another nurse to help us and we’ll take very good care of her, I promise. You’ll be able to give her all the cuddling she needs as soon as it’s over.’
The woman burst into tears as she left the room and Toni could sympathise. Most mothers would far rather have a procedure themselves than witness their children suffering. Some, like Emily’s mother, found it unbearable, whereas others refused to be parted from their children no matter how dreadful the procedure might be.
The bond between mothers and their children had always fascinated Toni. Perhaps he was more conscious of it than most because the lack of experiencing it personally had always haunted him. He was confident that the awareness had made him a better doctor. He approved of the bond. He went out of his way to support the parents of his small patients.
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