by Tricia Goyer
“Well, it might be a thing.”
“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.” She lifted her hands into the air, as if in surrender. “I ju-just need a second.”
“I don’t think you’re fine.” And he really didn’t.
Her eyes focused on something near her feet. “I am, and ohhhh!” Her words were part excitement, and part despair.
Allyson reached down and picked up a pair of glittery strapped shoes, holding them in awe. It was as if she was a grizzled miner who’d just discovered a chunk of gold. Her mouth gaped open.
“I love these shoes. I haven’t worn these in, like, in two years!”
“Uh.” Sean cocked an eyebrow. “Well, they’re uh, they’re good shoes.”
“They made my legs look so good!” Sobs emerged with her words and more tears. “I’m okay; I’m going to be fine.”
“Honey, come on. It’s okay. We’ll make it okay. But . . .”
That’s when she came to him, falling into his arms, relaxing into him as if she’d been waiting for this. Waiting for him to hold her up.
“I love you,” she murmured. Two heartbeats later she was out. Asleep.
“I love you too.” Sean’s words were met with a soft snore.
He held her close, and then looked at the screen. “It’s like an eagle, right?” he said, realizing Allyson was in la-la land and could no longer hear.
An eagle tending to her chicks . . . just like Allyson.
***
“Oh, not again with the bird!” Ray’s voice blurted out as Sondra leaned over and looked at her computer. A soft smile curled on her lips, and a deep peace settled within. She didn’t understand her obsession with this bird, and she didn’t worry about understanding it.
Ray poured a cup of coffee and leaned close, peering over her shoulder. “You’re watching a bird! It’s a bird,” he declared again.
She sighed and waved them away. “It’s live! I might miss something.”
Ray didn’t seem to be listening, instead he shuffled around the kitchen, looking around the counter and opening drawers. “Hey. Have you seen my keys? I’ve looked everywhere for—”
Sondra held them up. Her eyes remained fixed on the computer, on the birds.
“I just don’t ge—” His words paused as the mother eagle landed with a fish and let the little ones devour it. Ray leaned in, and Sondra smiled seeing him staring, frozen.
Yet her peace wasn’t as prevalent two hours later as she sat with the other church ladies gathered in her den. Twenty women packed around like sardines. Twenty women she was supposed to be leading, guiding with spiritual truth. Did she dare tell them she hadn’t even read the book they were supposed to be discussing? Thankfully Mattie Mae had.
“Mattie Mae, tell us what you got out of the book,” Sondra had said. One question and she knew she could sit back for ten minutes and just let Mattie Mae go.
But it wasn’t that easy to relax. Mostly because she could hear the kids in the other room. She’d begged Zoe to babysit, and her daughter had finally agreed . . . after the promise of a twenty-dollar bill and a trip to the mall.
A child’s scream erupted and Sondra was sure it was Beck’s. She looked back over her shoulder, looking at Allyson and noticed she hadn’t even flinched at the sound. Instead Allyson stared straight ahead listening to Mattie Mae talk as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Sondra wondered if Allyson was sleeping with her eyes open. Or stress paralyzed. She’d heard that was a thing.
From the corner of her eye she saw Zoe waving her arms, trying to get her attention.
She glanced over. Zoe’s long hair hung down and a small toddler was wrapped around her leg, tugging, pulling, trying to make her tumble. A half-dozen other kids played in the den, thankfully under some semblance of control . . . for the moment. A text message popped up on the cell phone in Sondra’s hand, lighting the screen, and she glanced down.
Zoe / 10:51 AM
MOM, HOW MUCH LONGER!!??!!
Sondra typed out a response, hoping no one noticed. She offered Mattie Mae a smile and nodded.
Sondra / 10:51 AM
OYSTER BOON!
Then she glanced over at Zoe. Zoe looked at her phone. What? She mouthed.
Sondra pressed her lips together, pushed her finger into the typepad and typed out another quick message and pressed SEND.
Sondra / 10:51 AM LKDBVAHIOUBNVWJOSD V
She glared at her daughter, hoping Zoe would pay attention to her text message and stay patient. Sondra glanced around the room. At least twenty women from church filled the space. Young, old, married, single. They were a faithful group. They sat on couches, her dining room chairs, and even extra chairs that Ray had brought over from the church. Reading together was a benefit, but gathering together—sharing each other’s lives—was most important. Single lambs tended to stray. She knew that from experience.
The book club was one event that all the women of her church looked forward to, and she didn’t want to disappoint them.
Couldn’t disappoint them.
***
Allyson knew Mattie Mae Lloyd was talking, but the words only partly filtered in. For this one moment in the day she was sitting in a chair without kids climbing on her, tugging at her, or trying to brush her hair. She’d dressed and had put on makeup. The kids always knew they were going somewhere when she put on makeup. And for these thirty minutes she’d take what she could get. Peace. Sort-of quiet, if one could ignore Beck screaming in the other room. And hopefully a bit of wisdom too.
“Ya’ll, it changed me,” Mattie Mae was saying. “I mean, it is profound. I mean, I only read the introduction, but it is revolutionary in my life. Revolutionary.”
Allyson smiled at Mattie Mae, and tried to think of the last time she’d actually read a book. Reading books was something she aspired to do, but she had three kids, so yeah she didn’t read books. That was another benefit of being in a book club. It made her feel as if she did.
“I can feel it. Every time I go to the mall there is a parking space right out in the front,” Mattie Mae drawled. “There’s never a parking space right there in the front. But there is ya’ll, every time. I’m not talking about the old one. I don’t shop there any more . . . I’m talking about the new mall.” The sun reflected off Mattie Mae’s strawberry blonde hair, perfectly pinned up, and Allyson was certain she could smell Mattie Mae’s White Shoulders cologne spray from where she sat.
Besides if Allyson wasn’t at book club she’d be at home, still cleaning up the mess from yesterday. She felt bad waking up in the closet this morning. Well, she’d been fine, she’d slept in Sean’s arms—her favorite place to be—but he’d been sore from trying to sleep half slumped over and half sitting up. And his eyes had widened even more when he’d seen the house in the light.
“Welcome home,” she’d said with a kiss on his cheek as she handed him a bowl of cereal, since they were out of eggs. She made a mental note to pick up eggs after book club, and maybe hit the park with Izzy and her boys.
Allyson looked to Izzy who sat beside her. Izzy’s gaze was narrowed, intent on Mattie Mae. Allyson knew she wasn’t really listening. She was either rehearsing her grocery list in her mind, trying to decide if she wanted McDonald’s or Chick-fil-A for lunch, or trying to think of anything else BUT the lyrics to “The Wheels on the Bus.”
As subtly as she could, Allyson used her thumbs to tap a text in her cell phone.
Allyson / 10:54 AM Sean says I'm stressed.
Izzy glanced at her smart phone.
Izzy / 10:54 AM You are stressed. Very.
Allyson looked over at her friend and shook her head.
“What?” Izzy mouthed, incredulous.
Allyson / 10:54 AM Thx 4 that :-0
Izzy / 10:55 AM You're stressed . . .
Izzy / 10:55 AM I'm stressed
Izzy / 10:55 AM Everybody's stressed.
Izzy / 10:55 AM Look at Sondra . . .
Almost in unison, they leaned
forward, gazing at her and slightly tilting their heads. Sondra looked normal/put together and completely focused on Mattie Mae’s words, but her fixed smile and wrinkled brow gave her away. Even though she tried to give the impression that everything was okay—great even—Allyson could see behind the lines—the wrinkle lines on her forehead—that there was more on her mind than she wanted to admit.
Izzy / 10:56 AM Sondra = MAJOR STRESS!
Allyson / 10:57 AM So I got a Groupon,
Allyson / 10:57 AM to Chez Magique
Allyson / 10:57 AM 5 STARS!
Allyson / 10:57 AM Was thinking about a . . .
Allyson / 10:57 AM NIGHT OUT?
Izzy raised her hand slightly, as if sending up a silent hallelujah and then typed in a text.
Izzy / 10:58 AM YES! I need it! Wild!
Izzy / 10:58 AM Gonna go buy a tube top.
Izzy / 10:58 AM CRAZY!!!
Allyson attempted to hold back her chuckles. She glanced at Izzy through the corner of her eye and she pressed back a smile at the sight of Izzy sitting a little straighter, excited.
Allyson / 10:59 AM You . . . Me . . . Sondra.
Allyson / 10:58 AM THREE AMIGOS?
Allyson watched from the corner of her eye. Izzy pulled her lips in and her eyebrows shot up. She gave the softest nod as she considered the words she read.
Izzy / 10:59 AM SONDRA? I like it!
Allyson smiled and then sent a text to Sondra next,
Allyson / 11:00 AM NIGHT OUT. SAT. U IN?
“It’s The Favor. I can feel it,” Mattie Mae was gushing now. “I can feel it. It can make you a better cook. Take all your old recipes and rip them up. With The Favor you can zero in on what stores have the best bargains.”
Mattie Mae turned to her friends, her face flushed with excitement.
Emma nodded her agreement.
Sondra was nodding along, too, as she listened to Mattie Mae. Then she looked down, reading the text.
“It’s The Favor,” Mattie Mae said.
“Yes, sister!” Sondra declared out loud. Then a shocked expression came over her face.
Mattie Mae beamed as pleased as punch that the pastor’s wife was so excited about her comments, but Allyson knew the real reason for Sondra’s excitement.
Sondra glanced over her shoulder at Allyson and Izzy and winked.
“Oh, Sondra, that’s just the sweetest. Thank you.”
Sondra turned back to her and nodded, forcing a smile. “That was, um-hum, yes . . .” Sondra tucked her dark brown hair behind her ear and then scanned the room. “Would anyone else like to share?”
“But we didn’t even get to talk about when there is a discount involved . . .” Mattie Mae said, with eagerness in her voice.
The brightness in Sondra’s face faded as Mattie Mae started in again. Yet Allyson didn’t mind. When Mattie Mae started in it meant at least ten more minutes of no kids hanging on her. And as she partly listened to Mattie Mae, her mind had mostly moved to Saturday night. A night out with friends. That’s what she needed. It would recharge her batteries. The angst had built up inside, and she knew the best way to release it was by eating good food that she didn’t make herself, spilling her guts, and laughing with friends.
Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.
CHAPTER FIVE
The kids were down for a nap, finally. And the house was back in order . . . mostly. Allyson sat down on the floor and pulled the lid off the small can of paint. When Sean had repainted the living room just last year, and had gone to buy new paint, the woman cashier at the hardware shop asked if he had kids.
“Yeah, I do,” Sean had said. “Three of them.”
The woman had handed Sean an extra pint of paint, in the same color. “I’m a mom of three myself. This is for your wife. She’ll know what to do with it.”
And she had. Allyson had used it to touch up scrapes on the wall from Matchbox cars and from crayon scribbles. And today she pulled it out again.
She dipped the brush into the paint and brushed it over the random scribbles along the wall. Bailey had indeed finished her picture on the wall when she ran out of paper. A cluster of stick figures was there. Five, not four, this time. Two big figures, three little ones. All of them together . . . as it should be. They were surrounded by red and blue flowers.
Allyson lifted her paint brush to paint over them, but then paused. Their little family. Her family . . . seen through her daughter’s eyes.
A soft smile touched her lips, and she had an idea. She hurried to the hall closet where she had some old picture frames. She’d picked them up at the neighbor’s yard sale last year and had plans for some type of Pinterest project, but she hadn’t gotten around to it yet. She had the perfect idea for those frames.
Working quickly, she pulled them apart, and then hung the empty frames on the wall over Bailey’s images. A large frame over the family picture, and two smaller ones over the flowers. A display of their lives from her daughter’s eyes. She’d redeemed the offense, and it felt good. Not that she wanted Bailey to repeat it!
A lightness filled her chest as she looked at it. As crazy as this place got sometimes . . . this was her family.
Bailey woke up and wandered down the stairs. She was always the first one awake at nap time. It was as if the world had too much excitement happening for her to miss anything. Bailey paused at the bottom of the stairs and her eyes brightened as she saw her mother’s handiwork.
She hurried closer, peering at the hammer in Allyson’s hand. “Mommy, my pictures . . . why did you do that?”
“For Daddy.” Allyson brushed her hand over her daughter’s wrangle of curls. “So he can see our family together.”
A grin filled Bailey’s face from ear to ear.
She was still looking at the pictures, still smiling, five minutes later when Allyson heard Sean’s car park. Allyson was folding laundry on the couch. One load down, five more that waited . . . but at least it was a start.
Bailey ran her hand down the length of her blonde, curly hair and continued to stare. “He’s going to love this,” she said. She tossed her hair around.
Sean walked through the door with quickened steps. She glanced up to him, and her throat thickened with emotion. He was home. Things always seemed right in the world when Sean was home.
“Hey, honey,” she called to him.
“Hey.” He walked over, a large smile filling his face. “Check this out.” He had a hop in his step, and it was good to see. He handed her the document tube he’d been carrying, and then turned back to Bailey. As he leaned close Allyson got a whiff on his cologne, and her heart did a little leap. Yes, everything was so much righter when Sean was home.
Sean’s eyes widened at the sight of the wall and the frames she’d added. “Whoa . . .”
Allyson waved her hand toward the wall. “Yeah, she said she wanted to be an artist when she grew up, so . . .” Her chest warmed with joy to see Bailey’s pride. Bailey’s cheeks plumped up as she smiled, and she swished from side to side basking in her father’s approval.
“Whoa. That is awesome!” Sean hunkered down to get a closer look at Bailey’s masterpieces. He kneeled before the pictures on one knee and then placed Bailey on the other knee, wrapping his arms around her.
“You know what?” Sean exclaimed. “You have a lot of talent. This wall may be worth something some day!”
“Okay, here you go.” He turned around so she could climb on his back. “Alright.” And then with a large smile on both of their faces he “flew” Bailey over to the couch, flopping her down.
Allyson took the lid off the document tube and pulled out the blueprint. She spread it on the ottoman before her, scanning the draft. It was a nice house, a large house that a real family would live in some day. Since they first started dating in college, this had been Sean’s dream. Now he was living it. He made her proud, and it made it easier—okay, a little bit easier—to deal with his work trips when she knew Sean was doing something he loved.
“You know what I wanted to be when I was a little boy?” Sean asked. Bailey tipped her head in curiosity.
His expression grew serious. “A basketball player.”
A giggle escaped Allyson’s lips.
He feigned shock. “Don’t laugh. There is a fine tradition of white, short basketball players.” Allyson folded a small pair of jeans and set them to the side. Sean was the fun one, the silly one. He brought so much joy to their home, and she was blessed to be married to such a man . . . but in a way his joy made her feel deeper what she was missing inside.
Allyson laughed again, but deep down there was still that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. The house was cleaner today, yes, but nothing was fixed. It would just get dirty again tomorrow. The kids would get out of control again tomorrow. Life tomorrow would be the same as life today. More work. More noise. More stress. Is this what life had come to?
And Sean’s talk of dreams hadn’t helped much. No . . . not at all. An ache that had been just below the surface began to grow, and it refused to be pushed down. Even the smiles and laughter from a moment before couldn’t keep it at bay.
Bailey turned her attention to Sean’s architectural sketches spread before Allyson. She pointed. “What’s this?”
Allyson leaned forward, peering down with her. “This is a house that daddy’s making. Isn’t it wonderful?”
Bailey pointed to a boxed-out space. “Is this a window?”
“Yeah, it is.” Sean nodded, obviously pleased she’d been able to read the draft.
Bailey tilted her head and studied it. “If you move it over here then they can see the pool.” She pointed to an opposite wall.
“Huh?” Sean scratched his head and then looked closer. Then his face brightened, and Allyson knew he liked that idea . . . and he most likely wondered why he hadn’t thought of it.
“I have to go play, see ya.” Then Bailey skipped off.
“Interesting,” he said, and she could see he was making a mental note.
Allyson picked up one of Brandon’s shirts that read, Homework Kills Trees, So Stop the Madness, and then turned to Sean, daring to open her heart. “You know what I wanted to be when I was a kid?”