She straightens. “You may as well tell me.”
The energy to lie seeps out of me. “I saw Dad.”
Her shoulders droop a little. “Oh.” Then like a switch, she’s back to her strong self. “So he told you the news?”
“About Switzerland? I already knew that.”
Her eyes narrow. “What about Switzerland?”
Oh crap, that wasn’t her news. Apparently getting divorced means you no longer share details like traveling internationally with your daughter. I wave my hand like it’s no big deal. “He offered to take me if I finish my community service hours by Christmas.”
“Well that’s very generous of him, considering how little he seems to care about his family.”
Not his family, just this family. “That’s not all.” I don’t want to tell her, but she’s going to find out anyways so I may as well get it over with.
She quirks an eyebrow, waiting.
“I went to their house.”
It takes a moment for what I’m admitting to sink in, for my betrayal to work its way through her body. She uncrosses her legs, her hand grips the back of the chair, and a mix of fury and hurt darken her face. “How lovely for you.” Her voice lacks its usual bite, and I hate that I’ve hurt her.
“It wasn’t lovely.” I pick at my bedspread, avoiding her gaze. “It was lunch.”
The silence stretches between us, but I’m not volunteering anything unless she asks.
Finally, she lowers her hand to her lap. “How is he?”
“He seemed, I don’t know, calmer.” Don’t say happier, don’t say happier.
“And what’s she like? That woman?”
I bristle at her tone, but she has every right to hate Susan. I force a smile. “She’s no you, that’s for sure.”
This seems to appease her. “And the child?”
My sister. “She reminds me of me at that age, but with way more energy.”
“And you what, ate lunch and chit-chatted like old friends?”
“You know that’s not how it was. Dad insisted I come. I didn’t want to meet Sus—her, but I did want to meet my sister.”
“Is this going to be a regular thing?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Did you put her in her place for ruining our family?”
Instead of smiling at the memory of snapping at Susan, I feel ashamed. Susan feels guilty enough for what she’s done. “No, Mom. I had lunch.”
“You’re hopeless.” She turns to leave and I stop her.
“Wait, what was the news you were talking about?”
A self-satisfied grin creeps over her face. “We sold the house.”
The news hits me like a bullet train to the chest. The idea of having to move versus actually having to pack up my entire life and go live someplace else are very, very different.
“I texted your father while you were playing house with them. Didn’t he tell you?” Her eyes light up, like she’s enjoying hurting me.
Is this where I get it from? The need to hurt others just to make myself feel good?
But she’s not finished.
“I’ve signed the lease on a townhouse. We move in two weeks.”
Every day I feel more and more like I’m living a lie and spending half my time trying to keep the truth from people. Walking through the halls at school with kids I’ve known my whole life, no one looks at me or says hello. They all have their assumptions about me—most of which I’ve put in their heads—but so much of it isn’t true anymore. If I do manage to catch anyone’s eye, they look away before I can smile. After Saturday, I realize I need to apologize to Blake, but realizing and doing are two separate things.
And it might be too late.
My mood grows darker when I arrive at community service. Xavier’s never been there before me, but the anticipation of seeing him made it tolerable. Knowing he won’t be here combines with the constant fear that we’re barreling toward the day he finds out the truth about me, and I hate that this thing between us will end before it has a chance to really start.
Drea’s waiting in her usual spot with a cigarette in her hand. “I know I’m no dreamy loverboy, but come on, at least pretend to be happy to see me.”
“Am I that obvious?”
She pushes off the wall and drops the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with her shoe. “Nah, you’re your usual gorgeous self. I just figured you’d be bummed he’s not coming.” She tosses the butt in the trash and we walk toward the bus. “Heidi’s here, but maybe you can buddy up with us.”
“Thanks.”
She pauses on the sidewalk. “Is that all that’s bothering you?” Her dark eyes search mine and a lump catches in my throat. This must be what it’s like to have a real friend.
“Can it wait until coffee?”
“Sure thing.”
She sits on the bus with Heidi while I take my regular seat. I stare out the window so no one else talks to me, so it startles me when someone sits next to me.
“You mind?” Sarah asks.
I shake my head.
“Xavier finished his hours this weekend?”
“Yeah. We did Bruno’s park clean up, and let me tell you, the people there…” I trail off, rolling my eyes.
“That bad, huh?”
The couple in the Benz comes to mind but as I start to describe them, I realize I’m describing myself. “Can I ask you a question?”
She smiles. “Sure.”
There’s no doubt that Sarah will give me the truth, no holds barred, so I’m almost afraid to ask. “What did you think of me my first day?”
She exhales slowly and leans back in the seat. “You don’t want to know.”
There’s good anticipation and bad anticipation, and this is definitely bad. But if I’m going to change, I need to know how to do it. “I do. I’m asking because I know you’ll be honest.”
“You asked.” She cracks her neck and levels her gaze at me. “I thought you were a spoiled little rich girl who screwed up bad enough to land here, but I figured you’d find a way out of it after the first day.”
I laugh softly. “Sounds about right.”
She laughs too. “So if you already knew, why’d you ask?”
“I’ve always projected a certain image, but I’m realizing I don’t want to go through life with people thinking I’m a raging bitch.”
She cocks her head, considering my words. “I can respect that.” Then she smiles. “You know, I lost a bet with Crue when you showed up the next shift.”
“You bet on me?”
She shrugs. “You seemed like a sure thing. Now I know otherwise.”
A burst of pride warms me. I didn’t think I’d show up again either—especially before Switzerland was dangled in front of me—but I stuck it out. And if I can change her opinion of me, maybe there’s hope at school.
There ends up being an even number of people today so Sarah and I buddy up. We keep the conversation light, but I learn that she wants to be a photographer and she’s originally from New York. Back in my Snow Bunny heyday, I’d spend the whole hour talking about myself or gossiping about the other kids, but when the shift ends, I feel like I know her a little better, and I like it.
Drea and I pick a coffee shop nearby and I follow her there. The tidal wave of truth I started with Sarah surges inside me, and I’m ready to tell Drea everything. We pick a pair of overstuffed chairs near the window and settle in with our drinks—my usual vanilla latte and straight black coffee for her.
“How can you drink it black?” I ask. “Isn’t it too bitter?”
“My dad drinks it this way and said if I was gonna drink coffee, I was gonna drink it the right way.”
It’s the first time she’s ever mentioned her parents. “You never talk about them.”
“My parents?” I nod, and she shrugs. “They’re not around much. Travel a lot for work.”
So if something is going on with Colton, they aren’t around to notice.
>
“I guess drinking coffee like them is my way of bonding.” She pushes her hair over her shoulder and eyes my cup warily. “How do you drink it with all that crap? It’s too sweet for me.”
I take a sip, letting the sweetness warm me from the inside. “I guess it’s an acquired taste.”
She holds out her cup. “To acquired tastes.” We click our mugs together then lean back into our chairs.
If I’m going to make this friendship work, I can’t keep lying to her, but I’m afraid if she knows too much about Old Brianna, she’ll walk out of here and never talk to me again. So far she seems like she’s not one to judge people, but everyone has a breaking point.
“You’re quiet all of a sudden.”
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I’m not sure where to start.”
She leans forward. “You’re secretly in love with me?”
I burst out laughing, the anxiety that’s gripping my chest lessening ever so slightly. “I was saving that for another day but now that you mention it…”
She raises an eyebrow and I laugh again.
“You’re adorable, but not my type.”
“Yeah, you’re a little too girly for me, too.” She sips her coffee and cradles the mug against her chest. “Whatever it is, just spit it out. I won’t judge.”
You say that now. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “I’ve told you how I haven’t always been the nicest person, right?”
“Yeah, so? We all do stupid shit.”
I open my eyes. There’s no judgment on her face, only curiosity. “Well, mine went beyond stupid shit. I told you why I got arrested, and that I’ve lost all my friends, but it’s more complicated than that.”
“Are you some secret warlord who tortures puppies in her spare time?”
My mouth lifts in a smile. “Some people probably think so.”
The amusement on her face fades, but she doesn’t say anything.
“I worked hard to make people respect me, to do whatever I say, but I’ve hurt a lot of people in the process. Getting arrested was like a slap in the face. I want to change, but it means apologizing to people, and some of them won’t want to hear it.” My thumb traces furious circles around my mug. Once I tell her what I did, there’s no turning back. She’ll either hear me out or never speak to me again. “And I feel like if we’re going to be friends, you need to know the truth about me.” About Old Brianna.
“And you swear you didn’t kill anyone?” Her tone is light, but her gaze hasn’t left mine.
“Not directly.”
Her eyes widen and I immediately wish I could take it back.
“Not like that.” I take a sip of latte and swallow too fast, burning the back of my throat. “You know the kid you were talking about at the park last weekend? The one who died?”
Her entire body stills. “Cody.”
I nod.
“What do you have to do with him?” I don’t think she’s breathing.
I stare at my mug. “I was there when he fell.” Tears burn my eyes, but I can’t stop now. “I’m the evil bitch you and Xavier were talking about.”
She lets out a long breath and looks around the room, and the intimate bubble that protected us from the outside world starts to crack. “How is that even possible?”
“Blake and I used to be friends. He had to watch Cody a lot so he went hiking with us that day.” In a blink it’s like I’m back on that trail, trying every trick my almost-eighth-grade mind knows to get Blake to hold my hand or put his arm around me. Cody’s running up ahead on the wall at the edge of the trail and I choose that moment to make my move. “It’s my fault he fell.”
Drea sets her mug on the table and leans forward. “How? I heard he fell off that wall.”
I shake my head and my hair falls forward, shielding my face.
“Is that not what happened?” Her voice comes out a whisper and I realize she’s thinking I pushed him or something.
I meet her gaze. “Yes, that’s what happened, but it’s my fault we weren’t right next to him. I decided that was the perfect time to kiss Blake and that’s when Cody fell.”
Her hand flutters to her throat. “Oh my god.”
“Blake jumped over the edge to save him, but it was too late. He died a couple hours later.”
“Brianna, you need to stop blaming yourself. It was an accident. And you were kids.”
“You don’t think I’ve told myself that? I’ve replayed that day thousands of times and I know that if I hadn’t been so focused on my own interests, Cody would still be here today.”
“Is that why Xavier said the girl was an evil bitch? It was an accident. He could have fallen if you were right next to him.”
“It’s not just that. The guilt nearly crushed me, and when my emotions get out of control, I lash out. When we were at the hospital, instead of apologizing for distracting Blake, I blamed him for the accident.”
Her mouth falls open as she absorbs my words. “Okay, that sounds like an evil bitch.”
“That day was a turning point for me. I hated how terrible I felt and decided from then on, no one would hurt me. I forced my way to the top of the social food chain and shoved Blake to the bottom.”
She’s quiet for several minutes and I feel like I’m on trial—a trial I rightly deserve. This is the first time I’ve cared enough what someone thinks of me to wish I could change the past, and now it’s two someones. Drea and Xavier. They have every right to decide they never want to speak to me again.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I’m trying to change. And I want us to be friends. Real friends who know each other’s shit and still like each other.” I drop my gaze. “Honestly, I don’t know if I’d tell you this if you didn’t have the connection to Cody, but you do, so I am.”
Her face doesn’t give away what she’s thinking, and I’m convinced she’s going to stand and walk out of my life when she smiles. It’s a small, uncertain smile, but it’s a smile. “I want us to be friends, too. It’s been nice having someone who isn’t mixed up in the day-to-day high school drama, you know?”
I exhale, relief coursing through me.
“It’s gonna take a little time for me to come to terms with this, but you seem like a different person from what you describe, and everyone deserves a second chance, right?”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that.”
“Are you going to tell Xavier?”
My chest tightens just thinking about it. “I know I should, but what if he’s not as understanding?”
“I guess you have to decide how important it is to be honest. With how strongly he reacted the other day, I know I’d have a hard time telling him the truth.”
“Not helping.”
She shrugs. “It’s your decision to make, but I think you should tell him. If you want your relationship to work, you can’t go in with this huge secret. Especially knowing how he feels about it. If I ever kept something like that from Colton…” she trails off, and my senses hum.
Since the day Xavier and I wondered about her safety, there hasn’t been an opportunity to ask her directly. This might be my only chance.
“How are things with him?” My tone is light, and I take a sip of my latte so I don’t seem overly curious.
Her body tenses, and she shifts positions so one leg is tucked under the other. “Okay. We’ve been together so long that I guess I don’t think about it that way, you know?”
“Actually, I don’t.” My smile is both innocent and self-deprecating. “I’ve never managed to date anyone more than a few months. It must be nice to know where you stand. To be confident that the other person loves you.”
“Yeah, it is.” Her words sound hesitant, like she’s trying to convince herself. “I barely remember what it was like before him.”
“Do you think you’ll get married?”
Her eyes widen and I swear her breathing grows shallow. “I’m barely eighteen.”
She shifts in her chair again. Takes a sip of coffee. Avoids my eyes.
“Sorry, I’m not trying to pry. I just want to get to know you better.” As easily as manipulating people is for me, I hate doing it to Drea, who’s been nothing but supportive of me. But if something really is going on with Colton, I want to help.
Her mug clinks as she sets it back on the table. “No, it’s okay. We don’t really talk about those kinds of things. We’re the same age but I’m a year behind, so right now he’s all about college and scholarships and stuff.” She smiles weakly. “He’s already been accepted to CU, he’s just trying to get a football scholarship.”
I’m impressed. I can’t help it. “You didn’t tell me he plays football!” Everything about Drea is the opposite of athletic, and this surprises me a little. That’s not to say opposites can’t attract—Xavier and I are the perfect example of that—but jocks tend to stick with jocks. “So will he play for CU?”
She nods, her eyes lighting up. “He’s really dedicated to it. Scouts have come from all over the country to watch him play, but he wants to stay close to home. To me.”
This time my smile is genuine. “That’s so sweet.”
“Yeah.” Her wistful tone reflects the sad look on her face.
“Do you—do you not think so?”
“I don’t know. Part of me was looking forward to having a little distance between us. We’ve been Dreaton for so long that I sometimes forget who I am without him.” She picks up her mug and holds it against her chest like it’s a shield.
I bite my lip. Inside, I thrill at the couples nickname, but now’s not the time to get sidetracked. This is new territory for me and I don’t want to screw it up. “Have you thought about breaking up with him?”
Her head jerks toward me and she looks around like she’s checking if anyone’s listening. “No! I couldn’t do that.” She stares into her mug for several moments and I let the silence drag out.
Getting people to talk by simply not speaking first is an art form, and for once I can use my practiced bitchitude for good.
“Besides, he wouldn’t let me.” Her words are so soft I almost don’t hear her, but then the meaning rolls over me, turning into anger.
The Edge Rules (The Rules Series Book 3) Page 20