The dog jumped to the bed, but Louisa’s limbs were too stiff to be able to sit, let alone lie down. She stood in the middle of the room, as lost as if she had somehow landed in a foreign country. Nothing in her room seemed familiar. Maybe looking out the window would help. But she couldn’t move.
Her insides groaned, but no sound escaped her lips. She couldn’t find a word or sound to express the gut-wrenching way she felt.
He wanted more children. She’d almost confessed how much she wanted them too. How it was impossible. Caught herself just in time. She couldn’t confess it to him. He would despise her inability if he knew.
She’d substituted her desire for rain at the last minute. But as she vowed she trusted God, tension had eased from her insides. Unfortunately the release had lasted only until Emmet said goodbye. Then it returned with wicked insistence. She counted the number of weeks until Ellie would have her cast off and this torture would end. It seemed an eternity away.
I must trust God. He would not send me more than I can bear.
Oh, but how much did He think she could take?
Strength slowly returned to her limbs. Overwhelming exhaustion followed. She sank to her bed, cradled Mouse in her arms and fell asleep.
The next day, still feeling as if she needed to sleep a week or longer, she returned to tutoring Ellie.
“My daddy had to take care of some business,” Ellie said by way of greeting. “He won’t be here today.”
A reprieve. Thank You, Lord. Only, regret twisted with gratitude. She missed him.
She better get used to it.
The morning passed slowly. Although Ellie did her lessons well, Louisa found it difficult to concentrate until Ellie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at her.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Louisa snapped to attention. “Nothing. Why?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Not that I know of. Why do you ask?”
Ellie’s face crumpled, and tears flowed. “Why are you mad at me?”
“But I’m not. Why would you think that?”
“’Cause you act like it.”
Louisa shook her head. “But I haven’t said one cross word.”
“You pretend you don’t hear me.”
“Oh, honey. I’ve been distracted is all. My mind has been on other things. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. Not for a minute.”
“You sure?” Ellie’s voice still carried her tears.
“Of course I’m sure.” After that she devoted her attention to the child and, to her relief, found it helped her forget her problems.
As the days passed, she continued to find solace in teaching Ellie. But it only partially relieved the ache that grew like lengthening evening shadows inside her soul.
One afternoon, after a morning with Ellie, she made her way home but paused at the turnoff to Madge and Judd’s house. Madge was the practical one. Perhaps she could help Louisa find a solution to her growing restlessness. She turned down the drive.
Madge saw her coming and hurried to meet her. “It’s been a long time since you’ve been here.”
Louisa laughed. “Not much more than a week. We all came last Friday.”
“But you haven’t paid me a visit.” She drew Louisa’s arm through hers. “Never mind, I know you’re busy. Come see my garden.” Plants were poking through. Madge glanced skyward. “Oh, for some rain.”
The remark echoed Louisa’s comment to Emmet. The darkness inside overwhelmed her. She sank to the grass beside the garden and buried her face in her hands. “Oh, Madge. What am I going to do?”
Madge sat beside her. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything.” She sounded like a spoiled child, but she didn’t care.
“Maybe you’d like to be a little more specific.”
She flashed Madge a trembling smile. “I don’t know if I can be.” Or perhaps she simply didn’t want to confess the truth.
“It’s about Emmet, isn’t it?”
Louisa stared across the garden.
“I see how he looks at you. How you look at him.”
She flinched. “I try not to—”
“What? Feel something for him? Louie, why not let yourself care?”
Louisa pressed her lips together and held back the pain. She didn’t speak for a moment. When she did, her voice trembled like the last leaf of summer in a winter wind. “You heard him. He’s always wanted a large family. I can’t give him that.”
“Judd wanted to go back to the mountains until he fell in love with me. He says after that, his priorities changed. He wanted a secure home. He wanted to be near family. Maybe Emmet is the same.”
Louisa shook her head. “I would never be able to give him what he wants.”
“On the other hand, maybe you can give him what he needs.”
The idea scratched across her thoughts. If only she could believe it.
Madge went on. “Maybe what he’s looking for is something that family represents.”
“Like what?” What was there besides lots of joy as children ran about? Pleasure in watching them grow and develop? Sharing around a crowded table or in a circle in a front room? She didn’t even have to close her eyes to imagine herself in a big living room made of logs, the windows overlooking a stream. It was winter. The stream was frozen and children skated on it. A baby cooed in its cradle. And Emmet played with a toddler. Her insides felt bitter at her foolish dreams.
“I would think that happiness, love, security, partnership are all things that don’t require having children.”
Madge’s words were but meaningless letters of the alphabet. Louisa knew they held no answer for her. Emmet—if he ever thought of marrying again—wanted children. Lots of children.
Louisa sighed deeply. “I seem to have a natural aptitude for teaching, or so Adele tells me. I would go to Normal school if I had the money.”
Madge didn’t say anything. Louisa gave her time to digest the information, and when she still didn’t venture an opinion, she turned to study her face. Madge wore a careful expression.
“What?” Louisa asked, knowing Madge wanted to say something.
“It’s your life. And although I agree you would make a dandy teacher, I don’t think you should choose to become one simply to avoid facing life.”
Madge’s evaluation of Louisa stung. “I am not trying to escape life. I have no intention of avoiding it. I spent enough years on the sidelines. But I think I would get a lot of satisfaction out of teaching children.”
“I think what you mean is you would find it a substitute for having your own family.”
Louisa shifted so she could lean very close to Madge. “I can never have my own family. You know that.”
Madge stuck out her chin. Their faces almost touched. “No. You cannot have children. It isn’t the same thing.”
“I thought you might offer some words of comfort or wisdom. After all, you’re the one who always knows how to solve a problem. Instead you mock me.”
Madge chuckled. “I gave you answers. You just aren’t willing to consider them.” She tucked her hand around Louisa’s elbow. “Now forget about it and come see what I’ve done in the house.”
Louisa allowed Madge to drag her along. By the time they reached the kitchen her anger had evaporated. After all, she could hardly blame Madge for not understanding what it meant to never be able to have children. And despite Madge’s argument that love would be enough, Louisa would never force a man she loved to make such a choice.
Madge pointed out the new curtains she’d made. “From an old dress Judd’s mother gave me.” Louisa noticed the vase full of wild buffalo beans and pussy willows.
“Now sit and we’ll have lemonade.”
Boots thudded on the step.
“Oh, good. Judd is going to join us.” Madge looked toward the door, a look of such sweet expectation on her face that Louisa had to turn away. She would never be able to experience that emotion. Lord God, help me be s
trong.
“Hon, I brought company.” Judd stepped into the room, Emmet at his heels.
Dismay jolted through Louisa. She half rose, intent on escape, but the men blocked the doorway.
Madge glanced at Louisa, silently signaling her to stay put.
Louisa sank back, her chest pressing toward her backbone.
Emmet saw her. Nodded a greeting. Hung his hat beside Judd’s as Judd explained he and Emmet were taking down an abandoned building and using it to build a bigger chicken house. “The way my wife successfully raises chickens, the little shed she’s been using is not going to be good enough.” He pulled Madge close and kissed her nose.
Louisa couldn’t tear her gaze from Emmet’s. His look went on and on, silently laying claim to her thoughts even as she scrambled to put up barriers, to block the emotions that she feared tumbled from her eyes.
Then Judd pulled out a chair and indicated Emmet should sit.
Louisa sucked in air and shifted her gaze to the center of the table, where the vase of flowers stood on a lacy doily.
Conversation winged back and forth past Louisa. She nodded, smiled and made an occasional comment, but it wasn’t until Judd and Emmet left to return to their work, until Louisa said goodbye to Madge and hastened homeward, that she could breathe without her eyes stinging. Oh, God, help me.
He wouldn’t be here much longer. Somehow the idea offered no comfort, only an ache drawn out down a long empty road. She must make plans. Find escape from her memories. More and more she considered the possibility of attending Normal school. If only she had the finances.
Emmet did his best to be out of the way when Louisa came to the house. He sensed she didn’t welcome his presence and the knowledge sliced through him, even as he assured himself it suited him. He didn’t want to feel anything for her except appreciation for her work with Ellie.
Tomorrow he was scheduled to take Ellie to the doctor to see if her body cast could come off.
“I’m going to run and run and run as soon as it’s off,” Ellie said.
“You might have to take it easy for a little while and be content to walk.”
“Nope. I’m gonna run.”
Emmet knew there was a chance her leg wouldn’t be better. She might have to wear the body cast longer. But he didn’t have the heart to tell her so. If only he could make things work out the way Ellie wanted. He waited until Ellie fell asleep.
“Auntie May, I’m going out for a while.” Waiting for tomorrow and the verdict filled his brain with sharp fragments of something.
He turned his steps down a familiar road. The one that led to Judd’s. And past that, to the Morgan farm. But he wouldn’t stop at either place. He just needed to walk off his tension.
He passed the Kirk farm. Saw Madge in the garden. She glanced up and waved. He waved back and continued on his way.
Despite his resolve, his steps slowed as he approached the turnoff to the Morgan home. He’d have a quick glance and see if anyone was outside. Yes—a figure in the garden. Louisa. He would recognize her anywhere. Doing what she enjoyed. He grinned as he remembered her saying that’s what she did for fun.
She straightened—her back to him—and stretched, then returned to her task.
It would be unseemly to pass without speaking to her. He allowed himself the convenient excuse as he headed her direction.
She heard his approach and turned. A flash of welcome lit her eyes, then she shuttered it.
But it was enough to make him feel welcomed, if only temporarily. It was enough that he knew he was right in coming here.
She waited for him to cross the last three feet. “I suppose you’re excited about Ellie getting her cast off.”
“Nervous, if you want the truth.”
“Really? Why?”
“She’s so eager. How will she deal with it if the doctor says she must wear it another month?”
“That’s possible? I didn’t know.”
They perched on two of the five rocks at the end of the garden. Louisa smiled. “Not comfortable chairs, but Father put them here shortly after we moved. He said a person needed to take a break once in a while, but he didn’t think we should get too comfortable.” She studied him. “I know it sounds trite to say God is in control. But He is.” She looked so serene. So positive.
“Aren’t there times when you find that hard to believe?”
Something dark flickered through her eyes, and she nodded. “I’m grateful He doesn’t change like we do. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever.”
He clung to the words and held her gaze. “Thank you.”
Her smile flashed. “I only repeated God’s word.”
“I know, but I needed the reminder. Would you—” He hesitated. Would she think his request odd? Or too personal? “Would you pray with me?”
“Of course.” She reached for his hands, stopped, but before she could pull them back to her lap, he took them and bowed his head. “God, I ask You to make things go well for Ellie tomorrow. Help me trust You more.” It wasn’t elegant, but he spoke what he meant. He continued to hold her hands, enjoying the strength and oneness the contact provided.
“Lord,” she whispered. “I ask the same thing. Help Ellie’s leg be healed. Help me trust You more.”
He raised his head. Watched her slowly lift her face to him. Their gazes locked, searched—hers a little guarded, his anxious. Dare he dream that somewhere inside her heart lurked a tenderness toward him?
He would not dream such dreams. Allow such hopes. But he couldn’t help himself. So he sat smiling at her, their hands still clasped.
“Would you come with us tomorrow?”
She blinked, sat up straighter, pulled her hands to her lap. “I don’t know.”
“Ellie would like it.” He cracked a door inside him ajar and allowed a deep-throated admission out. “I’d appreciate it.”
“Okay.” She nodded slowly.
Her agreement eased his tension. He could face whatever happened with her at his side, knowing her faith would never waver. More than that, he was certain she shared his concerns, his—
He could not allow himself to take the thought to a conclusion. He would not think about what it would be like to have someone to share the ups and downs of every day.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Doc came to the waiting room. When he saw Louisa he looked startled, then gave a flash of a smile before he turned to Ellie. “Well, young lady, I suppose you’d like to keep that cast a little longer.”
“No, I don’t. I want to get rid of it.”
He chuckled. “Then let’s see what we can do. We’ll take some pictures of your leg. As soon as the films are developed, we’ll know if the cast comes off or not. Emmet and Louisa, you can wait here.” He called his nurse and they wheeled Ellie to the X-ray room.
Emmet leaned over his knees, his heels bouncing up and down in a frantic rhythm.
Louisa realized how nervous he was about Ellie. She could offer him no assurances about the leg. “She’s in good hands. Doc has cared for me a number of times, and he is the most gentle, kind person one could ask for.”
Emmet nodded. “I hope she’s not scared in there.”
Louisa touched his shoulder and got his attention. “We are talking about your daughter, aren’t we? Ellie, the girl who climbs trees, rides horses and confronts challenges with a jutted chin?”
His gaze claimed hers. He read her encouragement, her comfort and perhaps a whole lot more that she didn’t intend he should see. Then he chuckled. “Right.”
She retreated back into the protection of her guarded heart.
He blew out a long breath. “It’s me who’s worried. What if her leg isn’t better?”
“Then you take her back to Auntie May’s house and continue to care for her as you have.”
“It’s that simple, isn’t it?” He didn’t seem relieved.
She touched his arm, feeling his tension beneath her fingers. “I’m not saying it�
�s simple, only that if it’s necessary you will do it. You will always do what is best for her.”
He nodded and settled back, as if he had found his direction on a compass. “You’re right.”
Over the waiting room door hung a big clock that ticked the minutes off in merciless reluctance.
Emmet sprang to his feet and strode over to look down the hall. “What’s taking so long?”
She wished she had words of comfort, but it did seem Ellie had been gone a long time. She hurried to Emmet’s side to stare down the hallway.
He reached for her hand and squeezed. She squeezed back, as tense as he. What if something was wrong?
Without giving herself a chance to consider her actions, she pressed her shoulder to his, finding and receiving comfort from the touch.
A door opened. The nurse wheeled Ellie toward them.
Emmet rushed to Ellie’s side.
Louisa wisely went to Ellie’s other side. She must remember who she was and her role here, and not cling to Emmet so blatantly.
“What did the doctor say?” Emmet demanded of the nurse.
“He’s reading the X-rays right now. He’ll be with you soon.”
“I’m tired of waiting,” Ellie whined.
Louisa took Ellie’s hand on her side, Emmet the hand on his side, and they leaned over the child.
“We’ll know soon.” Louisa tried to sound cheerful, but she was as anxious as the other two. She thought her muscles would snap like an overstretched rubber band by the time Doc strode back into the room.
“Good news.”
The air whooshed from three sets of lungs.
“Her leg looks fine. However, she will have to be careful for a while. Now let’s get that cast off and get her on crutches. She’ll have to use them until I say otherwise. I’ll have my nurse instruct her.”
Emmet grabbed two hands—Louisa’s and Ellie’s—and raised them in a victory salute, then shook the doctor’s hand.
Linda Ford - [Three Brides, Three Cowboys 02] Page 13